I lost control :(

[bran155]

Yesterday was a really bad day here in the nut house. My difficult child was cursing at me all day for one thing or another. She was in a funny mood, quick to snap at us however she was silly and laughed a lot too. I just could not read her at all. That usually means "watch out"!!!

So after a day filled with verbal abuse from her I was exhausted and sort of feeling a little numb. My mood was sad and sullen. She came home last night in a upbeat but very "ghetto" mood. She and I are were having our nightly argument, about getting her life together, making better choices, picking better friends......yada, yada, yada. She told me that she was moving to Albany with her "Boo", he is a bumb not a Boo!!!! This is the same Boo who, when told my difficult child might be pregnant, told her he wanted nothing at all to do with her. She has only known this guy for about 3 weeks. He is, no doubt a drug dealer. All she talks about is "gettin money", not getting a job, just getting money. As she is telling me her plans I am getting sicker by the minute, I am utterly disgusted at this point and am having a hard time looking at her. She was telling me how sexy this guy is and how she has these new friends that are strippers, I mean every mother's dream!!! No matter what I said to her I was a f*****g b***h, she was going to punch me in the face, I am a low life, she hates me, she wants to leave and never see me again, all the while laughing at me. My blood was boiling but up to this point, after a day filled with this abuse, I was able to control myself and be the "adult". I left the room and took a break trying to de-escalate (word?) the situation, waited about 30 minutes and came back to the living room only to hear her on the phone making plans to "get money". I couldn't quite make out the conversation so I dont know what she is planning to do to get this money, I can only imagine. So my motherly nag kicked in and I began to lecture her on her future once again, she is again cursing and laughing at me. I lost it - I told her she was a selfis little b***H. At that moment I just couldn't see my ill child, I only saw my abuser, I hated her at that very moment. I was becoming unglued. I am emotionally beat up and in defense mode. I left the room again to cool off. I came back in a few minutes later and told her I was sorry for losing control and talking to her that way. Her logic was that was okay because she was callling me worse things. I told her that it was not okay for her to call me names or okay for me to call her names. I am the adult, I should be in better control of my emotions. I beat myself up all night and feel horrible today.

The truth is, I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't have anything left in me to give. I have done so much for this kid, been through so much for her, stuck by her through all of the craziness. I will never get used to her treating me so badly. After all these years of her abuse, you would think I would be able to shrug it off and most days I can, but last night it just hurt so much. I felt like a wounded puppy, like the little girl on the playground no one wants to play with. She saps my self esteem right out of me and makes me feel so small and insignificant. How pathetic, I know that is about me and I need to deal with that. I need therapy!!! It is amazing how much this child is able to burn my soul, I feel like a battered woman.

I want so much for her to live somewhere else, away from me, I don't even care where at this point. I no longer care to watch her destroy her life. It is so hard to watch someone who you love, who you have given so much of yourself to, throw their life away. She is headed straight for the gutter. Sad to say, that is where she is most comfortable. When will she ever get it? Will she ever get it?

I am not feeling very strong lately, in fact I feel as though I am falling apart at the seams. Thanks for listening.

Shawna

 

[janebrain]

Hi Shawna,
wow, you are way too hard on yourself! You had every right to call her what you did and more. The problem as I see it is that you are engaging her. Why are you having these conversations at all? What you tell her about her life makes absolutely no difference except that she gets something out of these conversations with you. You need to set boundaries--do not speak to her about her choices, etc. You have already stated your position, she knows what it is. I think she enjoys getting a rise out of you and you are falling for the bait.

I do not think you should have apologized to her, I think you need to get strong and quit letting her walk all over you. She should be out of your house the moment she is 18. It sounds like she has you under her total control. Take back your life. She has you so beaten down you don't know how to find your way out. Yes, you do need a therapist who can help you grow strong again. Your dtr will never ever respect you if you let her walk all over you this way.

Okay, lecture over--you did nothing wrong--please, please don't be so hard on yourself!

Hugs,
Jane

 

[klmno]

Well, I read through this and maybe I missed it, but I don't see anywhere where you "lost control". Ok, you said some things you wish you hadn't and you got upset (don't we all at times), but losing control in this situation would have been tossing everything of hers outside and calling DSS to come and get her or taking a belt to her butt or worse, in my humble opinion. Really, I'm not so sure that she didn't deserve either of those things.

Now, I think she was intentionally provoking you. Somehow our kids seem to justify making stupid and bad decisions if they think we are mad at them or we've lost control of the situation. I see that in difficult child sometimes- he's tempted to do something that could get himself in trouble and will instigate an arguement or try to make me upset somehow and then if I "fall" for that and get in that mode, he goes and does the stupid thing. At least with my son, it almost seems like he creates a situation where him doing something bad for himself is justified because it punishes me for not keeping my cool- or maybe he just thinks I won't be so mad at him for doing something bad if I'm feeling guilty or bad about myself.

I don't get it, but sometimes if I can handle things in a different way, a way that obviously keeps the responsibility on his shoulders, not mine, he will regroup. That is really tough and I haven't mastered it yet and I'm not sure that particualr method is going to work most of the time. But I get exhausted with getting caught up in it and sometimes just calmly say "well, I'm sorry to hear that's the choice you want to make, I hope it works out for you." And then sometimes, I do just like you did, and feel just like you did. Don't beat yourself up- and definietly don't turn yourself into CPS over this one! LOL!

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Agree agree agree!

She is baiting you. Calling her a name is not the end of the world.

I believe that you may be detaching. That is a good thing. If she has decided to louse up her life, she will do it no matter how many conversations you have with her. Better that she do it somewhere other than in your face.

I think it has been said before, but at this point, she has no rights in your home, and only you can enforce it. Allow her basic necessities. A bed, clothes, basic food. If you don't want to listen to her making plans to make money (there is NO way that could be legal), do not allow her to use the phone. No computer. No TV. Continue to lock her out at curfew. And stop engaging her in conversations that will end in her calling YOU names. You deserve better.

Hugs, this is not easy.

 

[meowbunny]

Gee, the one time I lost control, I shoved and slapped my daughter. I think I have almost forgiven myself and it's been over 5 years since I did that. Getting angry and calling her a name or two is not losing control. It is getting angry for some very good reasons.

I am wondering why you're bothering with the lectures. They set her off and end up hurting you. At 17, there's really little you can do unless you can get her locked up for a crime, which I doubt is something you want to do.

For now, the only thing you can do is make her life miserable. Legally, you owe her shelter, food, clothing. Nothing says she has to have a room with nice stuff -- a mattress with a blanket and pillow work and a working light. Food doesn't have to be yummy -- plain rice, some fruit or veggie and some sort of protein and vitamin supplement is okay, too. Clothes from Goodwill are just fine. She's using the phone to plan how to make money so she can leave? She doesn't need a phone. She doesn't need a computer. She certainly doesn't need music or television.

Is she going to leave if you take all of this away from her? Probably. But the reality is she's probably going to leave anyway. If she miraculously stays, then you have a fighting chance to save her from herself. It means part of her knows she's making dumb choices and is asking for you to stop her. I doubt that's the case here, but there's always a chance.

If she leaves, let her go but let her know your home and your heart are open to her, that she can come home if she follows the rules of the house. Sometimes our kids have to learn just how hard life is. Nothing we say makes a difference. This was certainly true for my daughter. She left home a few times and came crawling back, followed the rules for a few months and then went back to old ways. The last time she left, it was because I told her it was time. I gave her time to find a roommate and save the money for deposits on an apartment. They struggle month to month to pay the rent but they're surviving. It's not the life I wanted for her but it's not a bad life, either.

So, quit beating yourself up. Your daughter is old enough to take responsibility for her actions regardless of her Dxes. She's at the point where there's little you can do other than let her know you love her and will be there when she needs you and is ready to be a part of the family, not just someone who sleeps there when it is convenient.

 

[DammitJanet]

I agree with the others...its time to just stop. There is no one on the face of this earth that can hurt us like our kids can. Not a spouse, not a friend...not even an attacker...only our kids. I would have left anyone else that had treated me the way my son has treated me. I certainly wouldnt have stuck around for 22 years of abuse.

Nothing you say or do is going to change your daughter right now. You have done all you can do. Its up to her now. You have tried. If she wants to leave, wish her well. Dont engage. Your fight to save her is now over and its time for her to take it on.

 

[bran155]

You all should be therapists!!!! You are so wise and so dead on. My sw has just spent an hour on the phone with me saying the same things you all have said to me. Thank you so much, it gives me strength to hear from you all as I know you are speaking from experience. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Your advice is much appreciated and much needed. If feels good to hear what I already know from other moms. I know you all are right, I even know it while I am engaging. I MUST work really hard at detaching.

Janet, you are so right, no one can hurt us more than our children!!!!

Thanks again for your kind and supportive words.

 

[butterflydreams]

I agree with the others too. So don't beat yourself up about it.

I wanted to send you big hugs.

Christy

 

[katya02]

I'm really late coming to this conversation, but just wanted to add my 0.02 and hugs. From what you've described, you ARE an abused woman. No wonder you feel like one. It's time to define your boundaries and take back your life, as the others have said.

We did the stripped-room thing with our difficult child several times ... it definitely made an impression. He wasn't happy, but he played ball regarding rules and manners. It showed us that he COULD follow the rules and use manners. He was much younger then than your daughter is now, however. Now, she is an adult - you are not the only adult in this situation, and you don't have to regard her as a child any more. She is choosing to say the things she does. You can choose not to take her abuse.

I don't want to reiterate all the great advice the others have given; just want to let you know we've been there, and it's possible to stand up for yourself and not be beaten down. The fact that you're starting to detach means you're looking at things more objectively and you'll be able to make some decisions that will help you - maybe, incidentally, your difficult child, but primarily you. You deserve it.

 

[KTMom91]

Sending hugs and strength to make it through. Ditto to what the others have said.

 

[Andy]

Have you tested her for drug usage? If she is on drugs, the SW should be able to help you find a treatment program (in-house). That will take her out of your house and restrict contact with "Boo". If this is something you need to do, it must be done before she is 18 unless SW can help commit her.

If "Boo" is a drug dealer, he knows how to play her - he could slip her something without her knowledge.

My 17 yr old is very disrespectful of me but has never behaved in the giddy mood - silly, laughing, ghetto yet quick to snap. If she was, I would question if she was drunk or on drugs.

Check with your insurance to see what it pays for Chemical Dependency of Adolescents. You may have better coverage than you think. Make sure you get the info for In-Patient as oppose to Out-Patient. Your SW should be able to help find treatment facilities.

You are really doing a good job keeping your cool. Don't ever let her know how much she hurts you. She may be guessing but if she really did know, that would be a tool she will use.

 

[Wiped Out]

Bran,
Hugs to you, as the others have said, don't beat yourself up. You are human after all!

 

[Jena]

Shawna

Listen i would of lost it alot worse you are way too hard on yourself by far. i dont' see anyone's info for some reason when i post how old is she and what's her diagnosis?

regardless of any illness she is disrespecting you and abusing you it sounds to me. my 9 year old hit me the other day I know nothing in comparison to what your handling yet i told her that no child of mine would ever hit me. she lost privledges that night things she loved and hated it.

you are a human being, just because you are a mom does not mean this is ok, or that she is sick. you can only take so much.

so yes i really am wondering how old she is and what the diagnosis is i have a 16 year old their hard without a diagnosis

 

[Jena]

ok i'm going to share once again........my own experience here if it's helpful i was not diagnosis with anything as a teenager yet i was a rough one at that. alot happened in my childhood to explain it yet i'll tell you what my mom did with me many many moons ago

my room was totally stripped down i was given a curfew to be home if i wasn't home i got locked out, all "money" was taken away, i wasn't sexually active till much later i was late bloomer so the pill or condoms weren't a necessity.

things got bad for my mom i ran away, i stole from her, i was her worst nightmare to be quite frank (i had been left by my biological, and then he came back and abused me) hence i was a wreck due to this, yet my mom went into the court system and took out a penze petition against me stating she no longer could "handle" me i was placed in a group home for several mos recvd. daily therapy and they do administer medications there, it got me off the street and contained and gave my mom back her life. i ws then discharged and sent to a special school through jewish community services (ok we aren't jewish but my mom knew how to find free services rather well), i went to this special school recvd counseling (i had blocked out my trauma; recently crept up to bite me in butt) yet by 18 i moved out on my own got a ft job, went to college and night and lived my life.

i have only told a few people that in my lifetime. yet i wanted to share it so that you undertstand the life you are allowed to live.

 

[bran155]

Jennifer, thank you for sharing your personal experiences with me. I am so sorry you had such a hard time in your teen years.

My difficult child is 17, turning 18 in Feb. She has been diagnosis with BiPolar (BP), Borderline (BPD), CD and ADHD. Her medications are, Lithium, Lamictal, Geodon and Cogentin. She has been in Juvie twice, 3 rtcs and had 9 hospitalization. She came home from her last hospitalization about 2 months ago. We have all kinds of services through the court, 2 social workers and an array of programs she refuses to take part in. At this point there is simply nothing else I can do for her execpt watch her hit rock bottom, hopefully sometime soon.

It is very hard to deal with, this website and all of the kind people on it really helps.

 

[janebrain]

Hey Bran,
just wanted to let you know that my difficult child 1 has been through an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), several rehabs, we kicked her out at 18, etc. Well, I just found out today she is stealing from her brother whom she invited out to Seattle to live with her. She has not changed at all--we wasted 50,000 on one of the best Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s in the country. She has not changed, she can just hide it better. I have washed my hands of her and my son is about to do the same. I think my dtr has Borderline (BPD), fits the best of all the disorders. She does not want to change and there is nothing we can do in that case. She is 20 yrs old and is pregnant, baby due in November. I feel bad that she and her boyfriend will probably play mindgames with this child--hope he will be able to withstand his parents.

Hugs,
Jane

 

[TerryJ2]

So sorry, Shawna. How awful.
I have to say, despite the diagnosis of your daughter, like Andy, I also thought of drug use and/or sales, especially because of her giddyness, and her vocab about "getting money." Sounds edgy to me. Could she be selling her own scrips? Although you said her boyfriend sounds like a street dealer ...
I agree with-everyone, you've got to detach. Oh, how hard that must be. Many, many {{{{hugs}}}}.
I am so glad you were able to talk to your SW and that you two get along. What a blessing in these difficult times.

 

[Jena]

Shawna;

this is an amazingly safe place to share and vent, i did so that you could see that sometimes when you do detach it winds up working out ok. There are those "rare" circumstances....

I can't imagine how hard it is i truly cannot. Yet what i will say is that right now the oxygen mask is dropping and you need to take a breath first. it will be better for you to do so, you need to smile again and better for her to let her crash and burn so that she can hopefully rise up. I know it's sad to have to let others crash and burn, especially when their your own children.

Stay strong, deep breaths be good to you right now and try if you can to be hopeful.

(((hugs)))

 

[bran155]

Thank you all SO much. You all are so sweet. I truly appreciate your support and kindness. I love this place, I can say anything here and be understood. That is a feeling of such freedom.

I will keep you all posted. God bless.