I lost control..

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Sep 11, 2007.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    with difficult child last night. Totally lost it. I had to leave for a few hours, AFTER I realized I almost hit him. My throat was sore from yelling, I just was out of control. Like last year. Which caused husband and I to fight, and I blamed it on difficult child.

    Day 5 of school: He had a lot of homework. I noticed it was "warm-ups"-math. He didn't do it last week. His friend in English was moved away from him because difficult child was talking..he got mad and ended up in the hallway for the class period. When I asked what he did when he got mad, he said he forgot. yeah..right.

    He asked to be moved to the Special Education. class. This is exactly what he didn't want. He wanted to have no contact with them. He wanted a friend in his class. The program director believed him and so did I. So, that is what he got.

    I was so angry even the dogs ran under the bed. What is so hard about following the rules? I told him he is staying where he is, and he better not put a foot out of line. I told him there will be no baseball, no computer, nothing. I told husband to call his coach. The double header yesterday was rescheduled to today due to rain.

    Ofcourse, husband says nothing during all this. Walks away and doesn't come back until I leave. Same as always. I have a meeting with teachers today..husband won't come. When I returned home last night I asked if he called the coach. Nope. I asked why he doesn't say anything to difficult child. Don't know.

    I totally was out of control. I believe difficult child was afraid of me. Especially when I raised my hand. That is when I knew I had to leave. difficult child said his friend is getting transfered out of honors. I believe that is why difficult child wants to. But I told him no, this is what he wanted and this is where he is staying. He can do the work, he just wants someone to do it for him and give him the answers.

    I am still upset. Avoided all contact with him last night. He refused breakfast, but then looked at me(angry) and decided he better eat. Eating is another issue I have with him so he knew better than to mess with me again.

    He kept asking what time my meeting was at. I didn't tell him. Why??? so he could refuse work AFTER I was there?

    on the other hand...he wrote that wonderful poem, and it meant so much to me because I could relate to what he was talking about. I wasn't sure how the teacher would like it. But he put a lot of thought into it and chose such wonderful words for a poem. He told me the teacher said it was great. Asked him if she could read it to the class. He said he didn't really want her to but told her it was ok, so she read it to the class.
    He said he wants to join this book club, because after 6 books and telling about it he would go on a trip to a local college and meet some author. He says he wants it but I know better. He doesn't read. Has refused silent reading for years. Not because he can't read..because it was something he could refuse.

    How, why does he think the rules aren't for him? I just absolutely have nothing to say to the teachers. He lied to me, he lied to them. I feel totally defeated. I fought so hard for him and he refuses everthing I have in place for him. Well, he refuses everything.

    I know I said things I shouldn't of. I even threatened to leave again. I just cannot handle his behavior. After all these years you would think I would have a better grip on it.

    Well, we'll see how the meeting goes.
     
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Maybe intellectually he can do the work but emotionally he can't. Maybe his medications aren't right. Maybe he needs a more therapeutic environment.

    In addition, maybe you need to see your doctor about your own medications.
     
  3. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I'm sorry about lastnight. I hope the meeting goes okay.

    I know what you mean about fighting for kids when all they do is mess it up, not follow through on whats expected of them. I have a meeting with youngest difficult children teacher today and him. Hopefully to show him we are on the same page and that I won't tolerate him not working for her. I hate these meetings!

    I know how it goes when you lose it too. I can usually make it through the day pretty even tempered, even if one of my kids misbehaves. I just give them the evil mommy eye and speak to them very sternly. Then there are others day, for whatever reason, I've just had it and I scream and yell and then feel like crud later.

    I hope today gets better! (((hugs)))
     
  4. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    we have all lost it at one or more times. it still haunts me that when ant was about 7 I hit him with a ruler on his behind. hard. I could not stand more of his behavior, I was overwhelmed, no help, no escape.

    now ant has me numb. I dont react much to him at all and sort of get frozen.

    I am glad you left. it let you cool down some. it let everyone else know you are at your limit.
     
  5. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    LOL...My psychiatrist appointment just happened to be this morning. As of right now, I am on No medications except xanax. Had some reactions to so many I am afraid to try any new.

    difficult child refuses to go to counseling outside of school. He did see the social worker at school the other day. She will be working on some social and emotional skills with him since this is the only person he does not refuse to see.

    His psychiatrist appointment is the end of the month. I don't believe it has anything to do with medications. Just his defiance, as always. psychiatrist told him..and me, that they don't make pills for that!
     
  6. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    My son is as defiant as they come. His psychiatrist said it is tied to his anxiety and depression. There may be underlying causes behind your son's defiance.
     
  7. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    SW...he has a ton of anxiety. So much that others notice it and ask me "why". That is the magic question. If only I KNEW why.
    I believe a lot of anxiety and depression. But any AD's we have tried have really sent him into a tizzy. psychiatrist doesn't want to go there. ME either. been there done that. Guess it just doesn't mix well with mood stabalizer.

    I see SW you have Lexapro with Lamictal. That is what really put difficult child out..adding lexapro.
     
  8. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Some kids are just born anxious -- two of mine were. There is no WHY. There are other ways to get at the anxiety and depression, but you have to have a psychiatrist who's willing to work with you to make things better.

    As I recall, your psychiatrist started your difficult child at 10 mg. That is too high to start. My kids both started at 2.5 mg and we raised it after 3 weeks at that dose. A is now on 7.5 mg and J is now on 10 mg. But maybe Lexapro is not the right medication for your son. For what it's worth, I've recently been told that both Wellbutrin and Cymbalta might be good choices for kids with BiPolar (BP).
     
  9. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    If my 12 yo child were diagnosis as BiPolar (BP) and had symptoms of depression I would pull him out of 'gifted' classes. The added stress and rigors of the academia can't be good ... especially not for a child.

    My hubby struggles with depression and I know there are days he can't manage a shower ... let alone sitting in a classroom where he would be required to complete mind stretching tasks.

    "husband says nothing during all this". Have you ever considered that his silence is a form of disapproval? Maybe he has some insights ... maybe in when calmer heads prevail you could try and pick his brain for ideas. I found that while I reacted emotionally to our daughters issues, my husband was often much more intellectual and analytical. He often had really great ideas. I just needed to listen and be willing to try something other than my agenda.

    "Eating is another issue I have with him so he knew better than to mess with me again". Pick your battles kjs.


     
  10. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    KJS-
    I am sure alot os us can relate to the loosing control!!! I feel so bad for you having to go through that, and there is nothing worse than doing it "alone", but maybe husband does have insight??? Maybe not?
    Sometimes my husband is the calm one and others I am the one that can see the forest through the trees, so to speak.
    But when I am by myself and K and her anxieties are building and adding to her defiance... it feels like too much some days. I am glad you walked away.
    The other day when K slapped me hard open handed across the face, it took all of my resolve not to... well we all know what I wanted to do!!! But I just looked at her and said "How does that make you feel to hurt me", then time out...

    Smallworld is right the anxiety adds so much to our kids other issues. me and psychiatrist are trying to gets K's under control. When they are smart it is even harder because you never know how much they are working you... what they are truly capable of??? How much can they honestly take, how much should you push them??? I am trying to figure out how hard and what she is capable of myself...

    UGH... so sorry you had to feel this way. I hope things calm down a bit...
    sending you a hug today. :kisses:
     
  11. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    kjs, I don't blame you for leaving. Sometimes it's the best you can do for the situation. OUr difficult children are about the same age and same diagnosis. Just a few months ago difficult child was put on Lithium in addition to his Focalin. It has made a world of difference in him. Still, he's had one major rage and I cried. At the time husband was out of town so we rode it out, but oh my, it was bad. I, too, get frustrated. It seems difficult child has trouble even telling me what they did in class....and he's not in gifted classes. Maybe the pressure is too much for your difficult child?

    I'm sorry you had such a bad day. We ALL have them....
     
  12. SnowAngel

    SnowAngel New Member

    I am still learning to deal with things myself and rarely have advice to give due to lack of experience,However I dont know one parent who hasnt lost it. Raising kids is very frustrating and stressful. Dont beat yourself up over it. You did the right thing by leaving for awhile. Remember we make mistakes just as well as our kids.
    :smile: I truely hope your day gets better and I hope things go well at your meeting.
     
  13. Wishing

    Wishing New Member

    For us oppositional behavior is helped tremendously with medications. We are on a combination of ritalin and resperidol. I try not to ask him to do something that he doesn't like until he has had his medications. I also believe if he didn't have adhd and odd he wouldn't have difficult behavior. Increased mental demands are really hard on mine unless the medications are right.
     
  14. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I don't know kjs......as you have expressed in other posts, you really have had a lot of trouble with your anger in the last 6 months........That has me a little worried, as I am sure it has you worried.

    I think for yourself, and your son, you need to talk to the psychiatrist again. I know you feel like you have tried every medication - but as you know - there are many, many medications out there. Perhaps you have tried all of the SSRIs but there are many other classes of medications you could try. Or maybe some therapy or anger mgmt classes?

    I worry about your son, and you - both angry - both at the end of your ropes. Your son will start to get older, bigger, and more defiant soon - and things will only get more intense. I think you need to have your emotions completely under control when that time comes. With his issues, you can't expect him to be better than what is role modeled to him in the home - so the onus falls on you to get better first.

    We are here for you......through all things. I am so sorry things are so rough.
     
  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kjs,
    I'm sorry things are so rough. Most of us have lost it at one time or another. I'm lucky with husband if one of us is at the end of our ropes the other steps in-tag team parenting. We don't always 100% agree but are on the same page most of the time.

    I agree it may help to talk to psychiatrist again or maybe therapist. I hope tonight is a better night. Gentle hugs.
     
  16. ML

    ML Guest

    (((((((((((((KJS))))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry you had a rough spot. None of us are perfect. It's amazing we keep it together as well as we do. Please just go easy on yourself and vow to take good care of mom as well as doing for difficult child. You're spread pretty thin, and it's definitely not easy. Take care, Michele
     
  17. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I have lost it with difficult child more times than I can count. I have found the more stressed I am in general the more easily I blow up. I try to keep my stress level down. I have also found that if I am stressed or irritable, then it rubs off on both kids, and life is bad. There is something true to the saying, if momma ain't happy, nobody ain't happy. If difficult child messed up in school, let him suffer the consequences and be done with it. For some, following the rules is impossible. They just do not get it. It is not hard for him, it may be near impossible.

    Hang in there
     
  18. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Kjs, you said, "How, why does he think the rules aren't for him?"

    It's not a matter of him thinking he's beyond rules. In fact, it's highly likely he is intensely law-abiding - his own laws, that is. These will be based on a combination of what he has been taught, tempered by what he has observed and analysed.

    But I've said before, these kids learn a different way.
    Example: I was good at maths when I started school. In Grade 3, our teacher introduced cuisenaire rods. These are supposed to be used as a tool to teach basic addition/subtraction skills. But for me, it was a retrograde step. Because I was already working on an abstract level with maths, I flunked cuisenaire rods. Badly. I just didn't 'get' what we had to do. Kids who needed this, did benefit. But I couldn't wrap my head around it. We had a worksheet where we were supposed to use the rods to solve maths problems - in the end I just gave up and answered the blanky things just on the paper, and got into trouble.

    Your difficult child is like this. He needs to find a different way to demonstrate what he can do, and to learn what he doesn't already know.

    He is in the wrong place if they can't adapt. He needs to find his own way of accepting his problems so he CAN be helped.

    You got upset with him - it really doesn't help. You're also playing right into difficult child and husband's attitude that nothing is wrong with HIM, it's all you. Because from their point of view, if you didn't yell at him, he would be fine. He has extreme anxiety - getting upset at him even a little bit makes this a lot worse. A major tantrum from you (which you would punish, if it came from him - but this is part of his own 'rules' that he has learnt by observation) will really undermine your authority and your ability to help him.

    So often we think that if we only yell enough, loud enough, often enough, they'll finally hear us. But in fact the more we do this, the more we deafen them to what we are trying to say.

    But it is going to happen - you will slip up and yell again. But when you do, recognise that you have just undermined a lot of good progress and not achieved ANYTHING positive.

    Hey, it happens to all of us. But you have to NOT get angry with yourself (beyond, "Oh, I am an idiot, I did it again") but instead pick yourself up, dust yourself down and begin again. The more you beat yourself up over it, the more time you lose that you could be putting into good progress.

    He CAN do well, but not like everybody else. He is very different. HE must recognise this but will be reluctant to, while the 'HE' that he sees in your eyes is triggering your rages. he must see that you value his differences too, so HE can learn to recognise and value what makes him special.

    You need to change your mindset, so he can change his. You CAN do it, but it is an ongoing process requiring vigilance and a great deal of patience.

    He MUST accept support in some form. If he can't in a classroom setting, then threaten to home-school him for a while. He will HAVE to accept your support then, and he won't have classmates to distract him or to make fun of him for having an aide. I know you're cringing at the thought, but he is motivated to learn. If you can find some correspondence school course for him I think he would do very well and maybe catch up on what he seems to be missing academically. And if his fears of victimisation at school are real, then you should act fast here and demand difficult child be supported sufficiently to accept the help he needs. It's all very convenient for the school right now- difficult child has funding for an aide which he isn't even using, so the school gets this extra money, extra staffing, all to their benefit. They won't fix what they don't consider to be broken. YOU have to step up to the plate, for your child. And to H if he says he will be embarrassed - if he cooperated with using an aide, there would be no need for you to get involved.

    And on that issue, of him being more interested in being popular than in using every chance to do well - you get this sometimes, in bright kids. There is a conflict set up, especially if they are a bit socially inept. They are faced with two mutually conflicting paths to choose - they can be popular with the other kids, help them out a bit maybe but not show off being bright; or they can be unpopular but high-achieving nerds.
    I went through this especially with easy child 2/difficult child 2, because she was deliberately doing badly so the other kids wouldn't tease her for knowing it all (or accuse her of trying to make them look bad) - I said to her that kids who deliberately hold her back, or allow her to hold herself back, are NOT true friends and never will be. They have poor standards which she would never be happy to follow and she would always be out of place because you can't hide a good brain, it would 'break out' in some other way. I also said that when she is an adult, she would never see these kids again. So why hold herself back now, for people who will mean nothing to her for the majority of her life? I also made it clear that teachers are there not only to teach, but to keep her safe. ANY problems at all with teasing, it is actionable. The school staff have a duty of care, but they have to KNOW about a problem before they can help. The teachers would be horrified to learn that something they were not doing meant she was deliberately not learning, in order to feel safer. The flip side of this is, if he tells you that kids are hassling him for needing help (or even just using help) then he HAS to be supported in this until he DOES feel safe. If it is deemed to be just good-natured banter and he has to 'get over it', then it STILL must stop because ANYTHING which makes us feel sad or uncomfortable, we have a right to have stopped. Even something said in fun - if it hurts, it's not funny. If it IS funny, then he needs to learn the joke, so he can appreciate it; and the jokers have to stop teasing him until he DOES understand and can handle it.
    These are basic human rights. Without them, he isn't doing well. And why should HE suffer, just so other kids can feel free to make him feel bad about himself?

    Anxiety is already a huge issue for him and you really do need to cut back as much as possible on whatever is aggravating his anxiety. But while you are emotionally unstable around him, his anxiety will be 100 times worse. And I'm not exaggerating here - husband sometimes rages at difficult child and honestly, I could bang their heads together, because I KNOW that it will set difficult child back weeks in our progress, for just one rage. And easy child 2/difficult child 2 will also rage at him, especially first thing in the morning or when her medications have worn off in the evening. And if I try to step in, she is impossible to deal with for the rest of the day (or longer) and cannot be reasoned with over it. And SHE is an adult. That also damages our progress. We do get back on track but I have to expect that it won't be a smooth day for the next few days, until difficult child 3 has calmed down enough to work again.

    You keep thinking of difficult child in terms of being stubborn, deliberately defiant purely for its own sake, and generally a disappointment. I know deep down you don't feel that way, but HE feels that you feel that way. So part of him tells himself, "Why should I even try?"

    As things stand, he can blame all his problems at school, on you. He is wrong, but he's just not ready to understand that while you keep providing him with such a convenient scapegoat. For your sake and his, you HAVE to learn self-control. Bucket-loads.

    You can do it, I know you can. And he IS worth it.

    Marg
     
  19. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Kjs,

    There are days you just have to write off as a loss. I don't think there is one parent who can honestly say they haven't felt what you did yesterday.

    I have walked away from the tweedles more times than I care to count; just because of those feelings & the level of anger that was floating around at the time. Walking away is always a good idea. Walking away before you hit that level of anger is a better idea.

    I've learned years ago what battles to fight. If you're going to take this one on you're going to have to learn the self control to see it through. Otherwise, let it go. Find a different skill/behavior to work on.

    Sending positive thoughts for a better day today.
     
  20. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Kjs,

    As others have already said, you did the right thing. You walked away. Don't be too hard on yourself. After all, you're only human...

    I had to learn the hard way to pick my battles wisely. I've walked away from my difficult children many, many times... I also had to learn the hard way NEVER try to reason with an irrational difficult child!!!

    Please try to get in a bit of "me" time. Without it, it makes life so much tougher when living with difficult children!!!

    I hope today is a better day...WFEN
     
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