I lost my temper with difficult child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Jul 26, 2007.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    You always feel bad after. He just keeps pushing and pushing and pushing the limits.

    After the incident he was involved in over the weekend at the neigbhors house, I finally spoke to neighbor myself. She, ofcourse gave me a different view.

    Didn't mention that at first to difficult child. But he is 12...and I am on the phone with a close friend whose 17 yr old son was just diagnosed with Hotchins lymphoma (sp?). difficult child is constantly bugging me. mom, mom, mom, mom. Make my sandwich NOW...do this, do that. I LOST it. Had to hang up with friend. And just laid into difficult child. Then..I was on a roll, so I just kept on going.

    HE threw the toy into the neighbors pool. Why? I don't know.
    husband's birthday is Thursday, 26th... Told difficult child I wanted to go to the mall. (normally difficult child LOVES the mall) Oh, but this day he wants to hang out with a friend. I feel bad having to work, so I look forward to my days off. I don't know why. Everytime I have a day off difficult child makes plans to do something with anyone BUT me. He'll ask for a ride to the mall with his friends, but if I ask him to go...No. He said this "friend" sleeps until 3pm, then he was coming over. I told him NO. difficult child had his playoff baseball game and had to be there at 6. Told him to call this kid and ask if he wants to go to the mall. So he does. Kid was sleeping but answered the phone. Said, OK and hung up. Never answered the phone again. I told difficult child that his friends are jerks and treat him bad. difficult child lets his friends walk all over him. He would of sat there waiting for this boy to call him all day, and I know the kid never would. I told difficult child he WAS going to go to the mall and he WAS going to get his father a birthday gift.
    difficult child is all about himself. Always about him. I understand he has very few friends, so the opportunity for him to do something with someone is rare. But he lets kids talk bad to him, push him around, lie to him. I tried to tell him how bad he looks when he lies. Now he lied about the situation over the weekend, so how are we suppose to believe him anymore. He has lied so many times I can't even keep track about things that happen at school. Tells me one thing, so I fight for him only to find out he didn't tell me the truth. He has made a fool out of me so many times. Told difficult child that dad's b-day is ONE day, and he better plan on being home that day. I KNOW if someone called he would go with that person rather than spend the ONE day with his father. (done it before) He denied he would do that. I just went on about everything. I was so very, very angry.
    So, we talk things out when I calmed down, and things were ok.
    Today, my doggie had to stay in the hospital. difficult child went to a friends house. I finally take my nap about 6pm so I can work tonight. Guess what. difficult child calls and I hear husband say, "not tonight we need you here for Chloe in the morning". Then he hangs up. I was steaming mad. Tomorrow is husband's B-day, easy child is coming home, and after our big blow-up where I addressed this issue, difficult child has enough guts to ask to spend the night at someones house! (where he admits they don't go to bed at this kids house). So, I get up and husband tells me that this boy is going to stay at OUR house. I just glared at husband and said difficult child is in BIG trouble. So, husband calls him back and said I said friend could not stay. difficult child comes home, and I just LOOKED at him and said tomorrow is dad's b-day. You chose to be with someone else. Just as I predicted. We DISCUSSED this very issue. I was SO mad.
    Then go to wrap the gift. No tape. difficult child plays with tape. I have warned him, he is NOT allowed to TOUCH tape. Heck I think I wrapped some xmas gifts with glue. I bough a 4 pack and told him he is not to touch it. Ok - gone.
    I swear we can't have anything in our house without difficult child losing it. Just not a happy camper today.
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    WOW - I have sooooo been there done that! Right down to the tape!

    The only suggestion I have is to start detaching from some things with difficult child. For example, most teens do not want to be around their family - so start letting up on that one. I do agree he should be at the birthday celebration, but if it lasts 2 hours then he can go play.

    My difficult child STILL TO THIS DAY avoids doing things with me. We get along much better these days. She is much nicer. However, eveytime I try to plan something with just her - she sabotages it. I will not plan anything else with her alone. She just can not do it apparently. Maybe when she is an adult... I hope.
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Soooo been there! I don't know which gives you the most guilt - the actual Mommy Meltdown or that way deep down feeling of "boy I needed that!!!". Don't beat yourself up - everyone has "one of those weeks today!" where it all boggs you down!

    Teens (no matter what the diagnosis is) do not want to be with family and love to push your buttons. They are famous for I forgot and being totally narcissistic (sp?). Pick your battles. If difficult child was forced to be there for Dad's b-day, he'd make it sullen and miserable anyway! But when you cut the cake and he asks "why didn't you wait for me?" the answer you give is "we didn't think you wanted to be here".

    The "mom, mom, mom, mom" bit drives me nuts because it's 24/7 (otherwise it's "hon, hon, hon, hon")

    As for the tape: all kids love tape. When it's on sale, buy twice what you normally would and hide it behind the cleaning supplies. No matter what they're looking for - you'll NEVER see them look behind Mr. Clean - it would be an admission that the cleaning supplies exist and that would open a HUGE can of worms!


    Take a breather - you deserve a break!

    We're there with you in spirit!

  4. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    so sorry for the bad day! I do agree with busywend though--a 12 yr old boy is not likely to want to go to the mall with his mom. Mine probably would not have been caught dead going anywhere with me at that age and he was a easy child. I have 3 kids, youngest now 16, and none of them wanted to do much with me or the family after about age 12 or 13 til they were older.

    I, too, think detaching from all this stuff would be a great thing! I know it is easier said than done, especially when your boy is so young yet. Remember, his focus is on himself and what he wants and that is normal at his age. He is trying to break away, that is his job. You can influence his behavior but you can't make him seem to care about you and your feelings or your husband's--it will probably be several years before that happens--he has his whole teenage life in front of him and teenagers are notoriously selfish!

    Hope today is better and happy birthday to your husband!

  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    A thought - he lets his 'friends' walk all over him. So his self-esteem must be rock bottom. How about, instead of telling him what a fool he is for letting this happen, or even saying his friends are rubbish, instead tell him he is a worthwhile person, he deserves to be treated with respect.

    Because while he continues to feel he is worthless, he will continue to behave as if he is, also. And to associate with people who treat him like dirt and in turn, to treat others the same way.

    Just a thought.

  6. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Doesn't that hurt? I went back to work when he was only 6 weeks. I have felt guilty for 12 years. So I feel guilty, plan things to do with him, and it just seems like he does things purposely to irritate me when I am home. But when husband comes home from work they go play catch,or hit balls. I cannot physically do that. So..He makes me feel as if I just shouldn't live there. He is the only reason I am there. easy child was alwasy close with me. Even when he was in High School, I could walk down the hall with him and have my arm around his shoulder.
  7. lynnp

    lynnp New Member

    Well, try hard to let go of the work guilt. I know I'd be a much worse mother if I stayed home. He's lucky I work, otherwise he wouldn't be safe around me! The selfishness is SOOOO hard! Right now we're trying to figure out plans for vacation and it seems like we have two choices. Bring him kicking and screaming to some really cool places (an island wedding, our summer cottage) or stay home so he can hang around and complain there is nothing to do!! Irrational!!!!
  8. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi KJS,
    I would say he picks up on the fact that you feel guilty and uses it against you. You have made him your reason for living and that isn't healthy for either of you. I felt guilty over some things with both my difficult children and I can tell you that it wasn't til I quit acting guilty that I could be an effective parent. When you feel guilty you have a hard time saying "no", a hard time being matter of fact, just a hard time being a parent--someone else on this board explained it so well, wish I could remember what they said!

    It actually is unfair to difficult child for you to depend on him for your wellbeing. That is a huge burden for him, and really, he does need to grow up and move on from you and he needs to learn how to do that. He needs a parent coming from a position of strength to be secure enough to grow up. In other words, you need to "get a life!"

    Also, he is not the same person as his brother--I think your easy child was the exception rather than the rule. My easy child son didn't even want me to acknowledge his existence in public--he may have been overboard in that respect but I really think most teenage boys would not tolerate a lot of affection expressed in public.

    I remember when my difficult child 1 was about 13 I took it very personally that she was so antagonistic towards me. I remember crying on the phone with her because she was so mean. Her therapist told me I had to get a grip and step up to the plate and be a parent, not this sniveling mess I had turned in to! I was in so much pain from her treatment of me. Well, when I did start acting like I had a backbone and quit letting her walk all over me she started treating me better and I sure felt better about myself.

    Also, look at it this way--you say difficult child has no self-esteem and lets people use him--you are doing the same with him! You are letting him control your life and your emotions--he is in charge of your happiness--he has great power over you. You need to be a role model in how to be in charge of yourself. You can tell him not to let these kids walk all over him but you are not demonstrating it to him with your own life.

    Okay, enough lecturing--please know this is all meant in the kindest of ways. I feel I have been in your position and I do know how it hurts and I feel I know how to get out of it and want the same for you!

  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My very loving easy child 11 year old daughter dies of embarrassment if I hug her in public. She would much rather be with her friends than with me. I force "mom/daughter" time and she does like it, but she'd much rather be with her friends. It doesn't make me mad. It's the age. I don't think it's abnormal, especially for a boy, to pull away from his parents at age twelve. I've raised three boys past age twelve. I can't remember walking in the malls with them at that age. NONE of my kids would have been happy about going to dad's party over seeing his/her friends. They would have done it, but would have been watching the clock. in my opinion it's the age. I wouldn't take it personally.

    I do agree with positive talk. "You're a good person and frankly I don't think you should allow your friends to take advantage of that and walk all over you."

    For your own sake, I'd relax my expectations. It's not even detaching. It's realizing that he's a teenager now (almost) and he's got a different personality than easy child, who DOES seem very unusual, and that he won't always tell you the truth and isn't going to crave being with his parents, especially mom. Dad is more fun--sports and stuff--but he's still not #1 on the "who I want to be with"--not at your son's age.

    I don't know if you're over-reacting or not because I'm not there, but maybe you should get into counseling to help yourself not react so much to this child. It's hurting your mental health and in my opinion not helping the child. I think you are expecting this child to want to be at home...I'm not surprised, nor would I be outraged, at my daughter if she tried to sneak a sleepover in on my birthday. I'd expect it. I may say "no" but it wouldn't make me mad. It's normal! I've even told my PCs to have a friend over for my own or hub's birthday to make my kids happier about being here--not recommending that, but it's always worked out well for us, and I'm on great terms with all of my kid's friends--they're just extended family anways...lol. Take it easy--you deserve a break, don't beat yourself up and maybe don't expect so much from a difficult pre-teen. Good luck!
  10. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    well, difficult child told me many of his "old" friends won't talk to him anymore because of me. One kid who he was attached to until parents got divorced did something really mean, rude and disrespectful to ME. I told his father. Kids haven't spoken in over a year.
    The other three boys I never said a word to. After they left I found so many things broken. Like my washing machine which had the front panel off, stakes that were in the yard pulled out and broke in half. The slide from the jungle gym bent in half...upward. Many other things. difficult child just let them do it so they wouldn't leave. I have seen these boys since, haven't said a word...just look right into their eyes as they pass me by.

    I DO tell difficult child not to let these kids do this to him. I tell difficult child if he is nice to others they will be nice in return. He has the tendancy to say what ever he feels like saying regardless if it hurts someone. Then he doesn't understand why they don't talk to him. He said the kids at school told him he's not "cool", he is "gay" (I hate that word) He left his AOL up on the computer so I read his conversation. He can't spell..or has his own dictionary online...but he seems to spell every curse word in the book correctly. Told him that is not going to happen again or there will be no computer.

    I guess I need to work on letting go. Hard to do when he doesn't make very wise choices lately.
    easy child - he and I went through some very rough times when he was born..until he was 3. many he doesn't remember, but we have a bond that is so special, so different than anything I could put into words. I can honestly say he saved my life. He is a very special person and was never embarrassed to have a mother.
  11. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    You are all so right. Glad I have this place to go to get objective insights. I spoke with difficult child this morning. I told him that I know he would prefer to be with his friends, but it would mean so much to dad if he would be here for his birthday.
    Also, easy child talked to him online(I was there) and told difficult child he would be nome around noon today.
    So..I told difficult child that we appreciate him being there. Also that he must know how much he means to everyone when they want him to be there. He said he knows.
    Said the dog is still all swollen up.
    I will definately try to be more objective and less hurt when he chooses to be with friends. I know you are all right.
    and yes..easy child and difficult child are total opposites.
    I do have plans to get a life once school begins...see, still feel guilty if I go workout while difficult child is home.
    Appreciate the objective replies. Gives me a chance to look at the situation in a different view.
  12. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I was thinking all day about the advice spoken here. So true. I am/was trying to make this perfect little family. I put expectations on difficult child that I shouldn't. I say things I shouldn't. Very hard for me to accept that he IS growing up and will detatch from us, especially mother. I want to hug him and hold him, he wants to call the girl from his baseball team!

    easy child and I were very close, but when easy child was 12...difficult child was born. So maybe I didn't realize his freedom as much as I see difficult child wanting freedom. I was preoccuppied with a beautiful little colic, ear infection, stomach problem baby. LOL. Here I thought he was such a good baby.

    thank you all for pointing that out. I will work on that.