I love him/i hate him

[Debdeb1031]

It's friday, and yet again bob has to go to legion before he comes home....he knows that i have to go food shopping, but doesn't care, since his bar always comes first...he just walked in at 11pm after getting off of work at 430pm...i love him when he is a good man, but i hate him when he is not....more and more his actions make me feel like i am nobody and nothing important...his own daughters don't even talk to him , because he was a drunk...i thought i could change him..when he is sober he is a wonderful man, but when he isn't he is nasty and selfish...and i hate him...whenever he has a choice between me and the bar he chooses the bar...every single time...and it hurts...i want him to leave but then i wouldn't know how to get the kids to school or make ends meet...it just hurts so much that he never cares about us enough to change and be the better man...

 

[flutterbee]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Debdeb1031</div><div class="ubbcode-body">...because he was a drunk...</div></div>

There is no past tense when talking about an alcoholic. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. The difference is whether that alcoholic is still consuming alcohol or abstaining from it.

He has to choose to get help. No amount of you wanting him to change is going to make it happen until he decides he is ready. Some come to that decision and others don't. Until then, your concerns are for you and your children. Have you ever attended an Al-Anon meeting? Others on this board have found it to be very helpful when dealing with children with a substance abuse problem.

My father is 58 and still hasn't come to that conclusion. He hit bottom 20 years ago and somehow managed to swim his way back up. I guess he's a functional drunk, in that he does well at work, etc. However, family relationships are a different story. I had him completely out of my life for several years and he reappeared this March. I wish he'd stayed away.

((((hugs)))) to you. You can't change him, no matter how much you love him and want it to be different. Try to remember that this is NOT a reflection on you. Don't allow his addiction and dependency on alcohol affect your self worth. Find an Al-Anon meeting. I think you'll find a lot of support and good tools there.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I totally agree with Heather.

You cannot change an alcoholic.

You cannot make an alcoholic want to stop drinking. And, if he has no reason to want to stop, why should he?

He does not go to the bar because he likes the bar better than you. He goes to the bar because he is an alcoholic and he needs to drink. Until and unless he decides that he needs to quit, he will keep doing it.

Alcoholism affects the ENTIRE family. You mentioned that his daughters do not talk to him. ANd you are obviously affected greatly by it.

Seriously, get to an AnAnon meeting. You can start the process of healing even if he does not. You will meet people that are in the same situation as yourself, and you can network. You have NO idea how helpful it is.

You don't necessarily HAVE to leave that man, but know this. If you choose to, you can make it. Even without him.

Hang in there. (((hugs)))

 

[busywend]

Yuck, yuck, yuck. That is tough. I know the feeling of being the 2nd choice is not a good feeling. He puts his needs first - addictions do make that something impossible for YOU to change. Only he can change the addiction. The addiction will always come first.

I think there are many relationships with the love/hate thing happening. Frankly, it is my opinion that when you live with someone, anyone, that is the result eventually. Sometimes it is a smaller scale and not so obvious. Sometimes it does not even affect the relationship. But at times it can make one start to feel like the hate part starts to outweigh the love part.

HUGS!