I love my difficult child..

[standswithcourage]

I just wanted to let everyone know that I love my difficult child. It has been a hard day for me and him. I did see him today - he went to a doctor appointment,. only to get pills - the doctor knew it and didnt prescribe him any - he didnt charge him either - mygfg was not happy and he took it out on me - I probably said some things I shouldnt have said but I transported him their - I knew the doctor - a very good Christian man - I prayed so hard that God would intervene in that meeting - my son defies every opportunity to get help and any advice - I feel bad when I get angry at him but when he sits there and calls me names I wouldnt call my worst enemy it hurts so bad - but no matter what - I still love him. Amazing. He was my first born and I was the happiest mom on earth - the happiest - wwe had so much fun - now when we are together it is always an argument - he wants what he wants out of me - it is sad for me because I cant relate to him anymore - he doesnt want me he wants what he can get out of me. Just felt better saying I love him.

 

[whatamess]

:hug:
The armor we put on is not impenetrable, our difficult child's seem to know where there's a chink in the armor.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh stands.

I so wish you could have been a fly on the wall inside my house the last 3 years of my life. Maybe then you could see why you just have to really just let your son go right now.

Can I tell you about part of the conversation I had with Cory on the way home yesterday? I know it probably is somewhat confusing to you why I went and got him from jail but I didnt pay any money...it was all his money. I just had to go sign because I am his parent.

Well Cory and I were talking about the changes he has made over the last year and how mad I was at him when he went into jail the last time and how I would have left him to rot in there then and how it was different this time. He was telling me that he knew that and even more important...he understood why I had felt that way and he didnt blame me one bit! He said he was so mad and upset with himself for acting that way. I asked him what was making him have these changes. He told me it was a lot of things. One thing was going to jail and me not letting him call me or go visit. Another thing was his really strict probation officer and then the last one was the real tear jerker. He said that the real thing that had brought him up short was that when I got so sick and almost died he realized that he had been a total jerk (used another word) to me and he almost lost me. He realized then he had to turn his life around because I could have died hating him and that would have been more than he could have lived with.

I put my son out of my house when I fully hated his every fiber. I almost died with that hatred in me. But me putting him out and forcing him to grow up saved him. He is now able to do what he has to do even if that means he has to go serve time for whatever his misdeeds are. He isnt looking to me to save him.

 

[tiredmommy]

Susan... of course you love your son. It's the behaviors and addictions that are destroying him and your relationship with him that you hate. Be strong and let natural consequences take hold so that he can survive himself. That's the most loving thing you can do for him.

 

[BusynMember]

Nobody has ever doubted you love him. But in my opinion you shouldn't have driven him around to the doctor and gone through the silliness--you knew he wanted pills. Love him enough to let him fight this addiction, if that's his path. Please...don't take him to doctor's anymore, especially when you know why he's going. And I personally wouldn't listen to the namecalling.

Hey, we all love our kids, but we can't save our grown kids if they are bent on self-destruction.

 

[Wiped Out]

We know you love your son. I can also understand the importance for you to share that. Many, many days I don't like my son but the love is still there.

 

[susiestar]

Susan,

That was a really good post. I don't really judge posts as good or bad, but this one is really GOOD.

You realize that deep down you love him. Always have. Always will.

You realize you want to spend time with him, but he only comes to you when he wants money or drugs.

You seem to realize that right now he isn't the little boy you read to and diapered and kissed and hugged. He isn't the person you had so much fun with.

You seem to have the light shining on the situation and you realize you love him, but do not like what he has become. You don't like being used.

You seem to "get it" that whatever he does it is for drugs and alcohol. Not for love. Not for the sake of the fun times. Not for the mom who stayed up all night making sure Christmas would be "just right". Not for the mom who wore the same coat for 15 years so he could play sports, and do activities and wear the "cool" clothing.

It is like you are finally able to really see that he isn't the child you raised. That you are at a point you can celebrate the love you have for him while you finally grieve that drugs and alcohol stole him and he is really happy with drugs and alcohol instead of you. It hoovers to know this. but it will let you love him and detach from him.

I hope you know that every time he comes to you for a doctor appointment ride, or a ride to anywhere, it is so he can be that much closer to his next fix. NOT because he wants to see you.

So now, with this new insight, you may be more able to say, "oh, how are you going to get there? how will you pay for that?" instead of romanticizing his coming around as wanting to see you/the family. If he wants to see the house it is only so he can steal something or figure out what to take if he breaks in when no one is home.

It is great that you seem to realize the things your post expressed.

 

[everywoman]

Susan, I am going to pm you.

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks all so much. Every post meant something to me. I know I sound emotional but I guess I am just tired. I had the arthroscopy on my knee last Thursday and it is still sore and I want to get back to my life. But Susiestar - you hit the nail on the head and Everywoman thanks for your PM.

 

[Andy]

Your love for your difficult child is what is making this so hard. You feel betrayed and want the person you know he can be to come out. You see the hopes and dreams you had for him as a child. If only ........ And you continue to grab those disappearing hopes.He has taken those things and thrown them back at you stating they are not good enough for him.

You have loved him so much that he has picked up on the sacrifices you have made and turned it into entitlement for him to treat you as his personal servant. He did not see that you did these things out of love but thinks that you did them because he deserves them.

You need to commit to not allowing him to treat you like he does. Would you allow anyone else to call you names or yell at you? When he starts this behavior, have something to focus on. Sometimes when you say something to him such as, "I do not deserve to be treated like this!" it is more for yourself to hear than for him to understand. It is your anchor until you can get away from him. You have to say it enough focusing on yourself and some day he may start to hear it. Then, the next time he calls for "help" say, "I do not feel like being the focus of your disrespect today. Find some way to get there on your own. Walk, ride bike, call a cab, whatever, but I have decided not to listen to your anger today." When he starts whining, "I am not going to listen to your whines call me back when you can speak respectfully." and then hang up.

You need to set your boundaries and make them very very clear. Let him know why you do not want to talk to him or take him places. It comes down to 1. You love him too much to help him destroy his life. 2. He is an adult now who MUST grow up and take on responsibility. 3. You will no longer let nasty name calling be part of your day.

Remember, you are now at the point that ANY ride you give to him IS enabling this life style he has chosen. And, every ride that doesn't go his way (probably every ride) will end in his disrespecting you because he doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions so why bother trying?

You are not going to be able to help him until he is at the point that things do not have to go his way all the time. He needs to learn to work around situations and not loose it when his plans don't go 100% as he wants them to. Nothing goes as planned when you want a drug to make you feel good.

 

[standswithcourage]

Andy you are brilliant. You should be a psychologist! I will come to you. Everything you said makes perfect sense. I did toomuch for him. He loved to fish when he was growing up and was really good at it. I always thought he could be a fishing guide for a living. He always knew where the fish were and just how to catch any fish you could think of - he was obsessed with it but it was a good thing. We took him fishing just about everywhere - he had all the gear for fly fishing and everything - he was good friends with the men that owned a fly fishing store - he is very charming - anyway I would take him fishing when his dad couldnt - actually I hate fishing - I would take a book and let him fish even though I really didnt want to go - I think that was the beginning of the codependent feeling and the feeling that mom would do whatever I wanted to just to make me happy or so I would have something to do besides get in trouble - so he fished for many years and built a bond with my Dad - now Daddy is old and has sold his boat - ryan hasnt seen him in about 3 years - I think I just went and went and went for him - and now it is blasted in my face and I look back on those years and think how can he be this mean to me? and I guess it is because he has no respect or something - I dont really know - but then drugs took the place of fishing - he quit high school - that was a biggie - I was working at the time at a school and it was just about time for school to be out so I didnt quit my job but had chores for ryan to do and when I got home we would go to counseling and look for jobs - the career counselor said he should get a job for a while - and that was the beginning of the drug era and it has been going strong ever since.

 

[susiestar]

I am glad you are at a place where you can really see this stuff. We can hide from the truth for a long time, behaving as though what we want to be real is real. When we stop hiding and really see the situation we often are able to make real changes and stick to them.

I think this has been a long time coming for you. We each have to reach this point on our own - NOT when someone else thinks we should reach it.

I hope this can bring some growth for you, and the feeling that you do NOT have to make other people happy. It is OK if difficult child isn't happy. Same for daughter and pcson. It is OK to do things that only make Susan happy.

And it is OK to put what makes Susan happy before what makes one of the children happy. Even before what makes husband happy.

I forsee increased detachment, a better relationship with your other kids and husband, and more enjoyment in life in your future.

I am really moved by what you are truly seeing and realizing here. Thank you for sharing it.

 

[busywend]

And not only will you teach him that YOU will not be treated this way....he will also learn that women should not be treated this way.....and that he himself should not allow anyone to treat him this way.

See, even when we detach we are parenting! Does it ever stop??!! LOL!

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks ya'll. I appreciate it so much.