i love my mom but !!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by needabreak, Feb 22, 2007.

  1. needabreak

    needabreak New Member

    I love my mom very much,but every time difficult child starts acting up its like she has the answers to everything.When i try talking to about the boys or tell her im so tired,her answer is well your the one who wanted children.yeh i wanted children i never thought i would have any.i had 3 misscariges.i wanted to have children but god gave me two special children.so if i go to talk to my mom im so tired of her saying that.i always end up cring and leaving,then she calls me and every thing is to be fine.and i dont think its good for my kids to see me upset like this.dont get me wrong i love my mom some times i think i love her to much.she is like my best friend.but when i want a friend she wants to be a mom.and when i want a mom she wants to be a friend.its so confussing. :hammer:and on top of that my kids still see me being corrected by my parents.and i do listen because of everything they do for me.my mom keeps saying i need antidepressent pills.i said i would not need them if you did not get me upset.and she says im almost 60 years old i cando what ever i want.i hate when they say that :grrr:...sorry just had to vent,thanks for listing..
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I wouldn't talk to your Mom about such things anymore since her responses are so negatively impacting the relationship. I know it's hard but many extended families just aren't supportive. {{{Hugs}}}, I've been there done that.
  3. Liahona

    Liahona Active Member

    That is the reason I'm here at conduct disorders. They just don't get it.
  4. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Gotta love those Mom's!!! hopefully it will make you a stronger person!!! All that patience, most of the time they mean well. Some just don't get it.

    I love when my mother in law tells us constantly either it could be worse, yeah we are well aware of that, umm it could be better also!!! She also loves to go on and on about how smart and wonderful her neices daughter is, it really hurts my husband. He keeps saying one day he is going to blurt out "Well difficult child only needed help wiping her A--, twice this week, and ony heard voices 3 times, but the great news is she doesn't want to die today!" If he said this his Mom would faint!!!
    Then she will ask how the girls are but interupy halfway through with some other story about one of the other nieces or nephews...

    Vent away sometimes it is better to just let it go here, so you don't have to vent it out on her.
  5. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    The word "boundaries" comes to mind. It doesn't appear that your mom respects yours...at least not when it comes to this issue. If she refuses to and it's causing this much conflict, then I would be very choosy about what I tell her. been there done that.

    HUGS....It would be nice if we could count on support from those closest to us. Unfortunately, that isn't always the case.
  6. Loris

    Loris New Member

    I'm so sorry, but I sure do understand! Most just don't understand.
  7. needabreak

    needabreak New Member

    thanks for listing,i always have to here how good i was when i was younger.it just gets old after awhile.and she loves difficult child just as much as i do.and she thinks what she is doing there is noyhing wrong with that.and she is very good at throwing guilt trips.and she thinks if i start taking pills every thing will just be fine.im afraid if i do then ill tell her exactley how i feel.thats why i dont want to take any medicine.i was on lexapro awhile ago but when i took it nothing bothered me.but i dont want to take medicine ,gosh my son takes enough for both of us.
  8. ellenr1

    ellenr1 New Member

    I understand how you feel about your mom not being supportive.

    People who don't have children like ours don't get it. I can't talk to my mother about my kids because she just thinks they are spoiled and manipulative, period. The two older ones have seven hospitalizations between them, and she knows all about them, but she still thinks our problems are because I'm not tough enough on them.

    I've decided that the reason she diminishes their problems is because of the stigma of mental illness; if there's a genetic component that means she might have something to do with it. I think most adults of her generation can't handle that idea.

    I've also come to the conclusion lately that my ex-husband isn't the only adult who attempts to manipulate me. setting boundaries has always been hard for me, and it's the number one source of my anxity and depression.

    Come and vent here.
  9. ellenr1

    ellenr1 New Member

    Just wanted to add something: I truly understand how you are reluctant to go back on an antidepressant. But I can tell you from my own experience in trying to help two of my three kids, who have very serious emotional problems, that when I was under-treated for my depression, it was obvious to the professionals helping my kids. One therapist recommended that I get another opinion, quickly, and it was the best advice I could have gotten from her. My doctor added Welbutrin to the Lexapro I was taking, and I finally felt like I had my whole head and shoulders above water, not just my chin.

    I don't know if you would be helped by medications or not, but it sounds like you are under mega-stress right now, and I would strongly urge you to see a professional to talk about your options. It's hard to have the energy and patience to help your difficult child if you are totally wiped out.

    There is a reason that the flight attendants tell you to put the oxygen mask on your own face first before your help your child -- you have to take care of your own needs before you can help him.

    Sending you gentle cyber-hugs,
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    A few thoughts.

    1) Don't look to your mother for support. She doesn't know how to give it.

    2) Her generation, and previous ones, consider psychiatry and psychology (they don't distinguish - they're the same, in their eyes) to be 'quack' medicine. And that's because it used to be, many years ago. It's far more precise, far more balanced and scientific these days. So any hint from them that you need to see someone in that field - check it out but chances are, it's a stinging criticism. And if YOU mention you need to see someone like that, or your child does - you are the worst parent of all for giving in and believing a quack. Get on with being a parent and stop trying to cop out, will be the comment.

    3) in my opinion, if you DO take medications which help you feel in control, and you DO end up telling her how you feel - about flamin' time. Don't let that stop you getting medications if you need them. I suspect she needs to be told, now and then, especially if she thinks her mere chronological age gives her every right to walk rough-shod over your feelings and your needs.

    4) Learn to handle her comments with humour and sarcasm. She's responding to your plaintive cries with, "Wake up, grow up, face your responsibilities," answers. "Don't bother me with your problems, you brought them on yourself. There's nothing wrong anyway, it's your imagination."

    A suggestion - next time she says, "Well you're the one who wanted kids," reply with, "Do you know who I could go to, to get them shoved back in?" Look incredulous, delighted at her suggestion. make a big thing about being able to turn the clock back. You could even comment, "Hey! What if I get them all frozen, put in suspended animation? Then by the time they're defrosted, they'll be someone else's problem. Better still - I'll get myself frozen and tell them to thaw me out when I'm sixty. because at sixty, I'll know everything and be free to do and say what I please."

    If you use humour in this way, and she gets offended, you can always reply with, "Couldn't you tell I was only joking?" I actually really hate it when people do that - use "I was only joking" as an excuse for being rude or mean, but sometimes, in a situation where you need to turn the tables, it's briefly justified.

    To summarise - stop trying to lean on her for support. She is useless at it, refuses to support you and is only making you feel worse. There are better ways to get support (like here). And have faith in yourself. She is dragging you down, but if she is so perfect, she must have got something right - you. You don't need her sympathy or support. Give it to yourself. And look deep inside yourself - why do you go to her, knowing what she will do to you? Are you still the little girl trying to get her to notice you and to show that she cares? If so, find another way. This is dragging you down. And there are other ways. Healthier ones.

    (I suspect somewhere in there, she delights in opportunities to show you how much more capable she is than you - she is competing with you at some level. And to win, she has to drag you down. This isn't conscious, it's just the way she is made. So stop competing back. Go elsewhere for support. When you have coffee with her, talk about the weather. Her corns. Ask her about her health. Do not mention your own or the kids'. It could well annoy her to the point where she will begin to interrogate you about how the kids are doing. Don't give her the answers she's looking for. Tell her everything's fine now. And prime anybody else in the family to also keep their traps shut around her.)

    Good luck.

  11. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style="color: #000099">blurred boundries. absolutely. however, it does appear that it's not just mom who is blurring those boundries. you're responsible for this as well.

    you go to mom expecting support & guidance. you need to shut that door...gently for sure, but shut it nonetheless. mother & daughter as BFF (best friends forever for those with-o teens lol) is nice in theory, but frought with-twists & turns.

    your mom seems to be usning your confidences as ways to ~~~ ridicule is too harsh a word, but you know what i mean. it gives her power over you. power she shouldn't have. YOU have to take back your power.

    don't be so free with-your confidences to her. give her a diet of positive news about the kids. i'm not saying, never share...just share on a selective diet of information.

    as for you being afraid of taking an antidepressant because it will loosen your lips around mom. oh my! it's key for you to be on your game so you can deal with-the kids & their issues (along with-whatever else comes your way). not all ADs give you loose lips. maybe the previous medication didn't either & you just felt more confident about speaking your mind....hmmm?

    there are books out there that can help you figure out how to set better boundries for yourself. i'm betting since you have a hard time doing this with-mom there are others in your life you have blurred boundries with. maybe??

    this one looks like it might be good:

    then of course there is the book Boundries.

    it's a process....just like everything else in life. it will take time if you choose to try to shift your relationship with-your mom.

    kris </span>