I Love My Sister, But...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Bunny, Jul 5, 2012.

  1. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    You ever hear the saying that a little knowlege can be dangerous? That saying can apply to my sister. I know that she means well, but I have to say that she truly will NEVER understand what being the mother of a difficult child is like, even though she deal with these kids all day long as a Special Education teacher.

    I was telling her that difficult child has only been off from school for two weeks and is already complaining that he is very bored, which is partially his own fault because he refuses to do anything, but that's another story for another day. I was telling her that difficult child holds a great deal of resentment towards easy child. difficult child thinks that easy child gets all of the attention because he's younger and cuter, so he will behave badly to get attention in order to take it away from easy child. So, sister jumps all over me. "You have to get that kid under control. He's going to have a hard time later in life. Life doesn't work the way he seems to think it does and you have to make him understand that. Have you spoken to his doctor about this? You know that he needs to know that, right?"

    Just what I need. Another person heaping blame in me.

    Ummmmm...did she think that that idea never occured to me? Talk to his doctor? Does she think that I haven't done that, weekly at times, when I think that there are things going on that the psychiatrist and therapist need to know? She's only been told a thousand times what we are doing for him, the steps we have take, the lengths that we go to for him. It's not like I'm sitting here on my hand doing nothing and saying that it's a phase and he'll grow out of it. Good heavens, I've been trying to deal with this kid and his problems since he was 6! And despite his ongoing difficulties, he has gotten better.

    Then I get to hear about my "perfect" niece. That makes me feel loads better.

    I know that alot of us deal with people who just never get it. It's so frustrating.
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I hear you Bunny. She sounds a LOT like my mother. The only difference is that my mother THINKS she knows it all. Her answer (before I didn't talk to her for 3 months) was that he needs a good spanking when he does what he does. Now, she just makes comments ABOUT him in front of him such as saying "you know he's doing that on purpose" to my sister when the boys and I are sitting right there.

    Some people will NEVER get it. I've gotten to where I limit the contact we have with people like that because it's doing emotional damage to my kids on top of what they're already dealing with.
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Well, the good thing about it is that she lives in Texas (FAR away from me), so she doesn't say things to him. She says them to me. Really, from now on I have to just not talk to her about difficult child. I get no support from her. I just get alot of scolding from her about how I should be raising and disciplining him. Her daughter is perfect and the kids that she teaches go home at the end of the school day. She truly has no idea what it's like to raise a child like the ones we have. She never will.
  4. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hi Bunny - I don't post here - but I read your post and I feel your pain. I have people like that in my life too and it is so frustrating.

    I have found saying something along the lines of "I don't want you to SOLVE this for me, I don't want advice. I am just asking you to listen. Let's change the subject"- shuts it down. And if your sister is well meaning but misguided, she'll change her tune. If she's dense, it will redirect the conversation. With my mom (dense) I have gone so far as to change the subject pointedly "did you see the weather for next week?" and end the conversation politely but decidedly if the unsolicited advice continues.

    Sorry to butt in - but wanted to say - I get it. {hugs}
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    My sister is the "senior" version of your sister. Sigh. DDD
  6. Bunny, I understand...but sorry to tell you, my sister is the mother of a difficult child and she still doesn't get it. Her son, my nephew, has Asperger's and is quite the opposite of my son but STILL you would think she would "get it." But no....I am always getting very stupid comments from her....the last and worst was last month when my ex sent me the e-mail regarding giving my difficult child an ultimatum to change his behavior or he is sending him away. My sister told me that she thinks that sending my son away is a good idea..."that he is only going to get worse...etc" I haven't spoken to her since that night.

    I really like the line Signorina says she uses under such circumstances...I'm going to remember it and use it in the future!
    Lasted edited by : Jul 5, 2012
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I could just picture myself in a conversation like that wanting to say, ummm duh. Not very mature or articulate but it happens over and over, someone just said to me the other day, well, can you just tell Q that he has to be quiet when he goes to court. Are you kidding me??? GEEE if that would work then we wouldn't really be here at all would we.

    Those basic things are obviously the things we tried FIRST and didn't work, sometimes ya just wanna reach thru the phone and smack them! No matter how innocently they are offering the help...yup, sometimes we just need them to listen not offer ideas. I'm sure she was offering her version of support but wow, I'd have a hard time with that for a while too.
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Yes, we get it. My sister has difficult child's and she is (was, because we stopped talking about anything to do with our kids) oblivious. She and her H are the biggest enablers I've ever met and yet, she doles out parenting advice to others as if she's some sort of expert...as if.

    Shaking my head-I think you're right to stop discussing the children with this sister...for your own peace of mind. It hurts because I know you wish you could use her as a support and resource, but it's not happening. I feel your pain.
  9. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Thanks, everyone. I knew I was not the only one to have family like this, so I knew I could vent about it here and be understood.

    I know that I'm not mother of the year, and I probably never will be, but I'm doing the best I can. If all I get from her is scolding about what I'm doing wrong, which to her seems to be everything, talking to her about it does nothing but make me feel worse than I already do.

    She doesn't get it. She never will. I have to try to remember that.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    You have to get the kid under control! Hahahahahahaha! Like we wouldn't have done it by now if we could have?

    Ah, family.
  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I change the subject when my mother asks about my son. I start talking about her, wich is her favorite subject anyway, nothing good can come out of any conversation about my son.

    It's a shame that the very people we should be able to turn to are the ones we have to avoid.
  12. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Our difficult child once had a helpful principal like that. difficult child was stubborn truant and at that point we were delivering a kid to his classroom every morning (usually kids here either walk, drive a bike or take a normal, not special school, bus or metro to school from 7-year-old on.) Before noon he had usually already run off. Principal's solution to the situation was, that we should tell difficult child he should stay at school. That felt really helpful... It was very close at that point that I didn't walk out from that meeting.

    I have so few living relatives, and I simply don't talk about my kids to my father, that only relatives I get these helpful advices are husband's. His mother is very good in this too.

    So my deepest sympathies...
  13. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    My favorite part was where she told me that I needed to be in contact with his doctor. Yeah, like that hadn't occured to me.
  14. buddy

    buddy New Member

    That's a great idea! (Good grief ). Reminds me of the principal who asked if I ever thought of therapy ......ummmmm let me think? ????? Maybe.