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I love this. It could have been many of us talking.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 655431" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Cedar, it went like this, and I suspect it went similarly for you and others who were scapegoated. Sadly, some people still elieve they are bad because Dad and Mom and Sis and Bro say so. My therapist was great and told me to tell her how I am bad and evil. I told her my worst and she laughed and said, "Everyone loses it. Everyone is obnoxious sometimes. You gave me five examples and many more of the good you do. That does not make one bad. Your mother should have realized (Dad too) that you were neurologically different or, at least, not doing well and instead of blaming you or yelling at you or calling you names or saying you were selfish or portraying you as somebody practically in The Mobd, they should have shown concern and sensitivity and love and support as it is in normal families. Maybe they didn't know about "a lot like autism" back in the day, but they knew their child was different and sad and they did little to nothing to try to offer comfort and refused to let me see a psychiatrist, even if the best they had was not that good. Why wouldn't she let me go? "Mrs. Rosen took D. and the doctor said it was her fault partly so now D. hates her." It was about her, not making me feel better. And bravo for Mrs. Rosen. She tried to help her kid. She didn't call her bad or selfish or lazy or no good, which I was called.</p><p></p><p>The first step in realizing this is bogus, for all of your scapegoats, is when you realize that this started early in childhood usually and that YOU were the child. Sometimes it starts in fancy. A baby and infant and even young child can not abuse an adult. That thought hit me long ago and seemed cockeyed, but I had the voices in my head. "You're bad...you're bad...you're bad."</p><p></p><p>The second step is when you open up and talk to others who are in similar situations and you start to detach. I did this in my early 40's and I beg younger readers not to wait that long. I did try with my mother, but as detached as she was when she spoke, I was rather detached too. She no longer could say or do anything to rule my life, although her words and actions were still playing head games with me, some from far back, but still the way she felt about me.</p><p></p><p>The third was the total disown. Parents that are normal don't do that unless their kid almost killed them or stole alll their money. I've read on this extensively. And she did it in such a connivving way...talking to me yet not considering me more than a stranger to her. That's one big problem I have with my ENTIRE family of origin. They are very secretive. You don't SPEAK the truth. She would have done me a big favor saying, "You are NOT my daughter anymore. For reasons best known to me, and not to be told to you, I never want to hear from you again Stop calling me. Leave me alone." She was not a nice woman so she didn't talk to me because I am her daughter. She never called me in over ten years. She did it to further the mind games. She did not want to see me when I offered to drive in. She held grudges longer than anyone I ever met. She never lets go of even slights that others recover from, such as the $5000 mess, which was not wrong of me anyway in my opinion. You don't divide and conquer your children.</p><p></p><p>I actually finally had my moment when I talked to my sister the last timea nd she was dating a married man and I realized that this woman, whom I looked up to for being so stable, was a mess and morally dead. If it helped her, she was ok with doing it. Nobody else mattered. This forced me to face the real her and not my distorted view of her that she made smarter decisions than me and that she was more insightful and socially astute than me and that she had some sort of moral code and cared for other people. I was able to see how distorted I saw my entire family and I probably would be shocked if I knew my real brother too and the slights he's come up with through the years considering we barely spoke and he lived in another state. They listened to Mother, but it is beyond that. Nobody in my famiily of origin is stable AT ALL, but at least I had the baseballs to get help early and improve often. I went from a frozen girl who couldn't accept a hug to one who can love with all my heart and who can make good choices about my life...and did. </p><p></p><p>I almost have to thank my sister for busting my illusion of her stability. I didn't know her until that time, although there were so many in-your-face hints all my life.</p><p></p><p>After my new therapy group and brand new psychologist who does DBT and focuses on abuse, I feel empowered and my eyes are open. I wasn't bad. I was abused. The abusers make the abusee feel bad. They feel like they are right. I was not borderline...she had all my records and said nowhere. The only two constants in twenty years of meidal records were the agreement I have a serious mood disorder that is helped by medication and therapy and that I definitely have neurological differences that mimic signs of autism, but I don't have enough to actually give me the label. But I consistenly received a second diagnoses of cognitive disorder not otherwise specified, which is the neurological differences that nobody has been able to name, but all the testing I've had has consistently shown. </p><p></p><p>Basically I was told I was scapegoated because I was wired differently and my mother couldn't handle it and my siblings don't understand it...and they don't sound that stable even without the neurological differences. </p><p></p><p>I laugh at how long we tell ourselves fairytales about our family of origin. Usually I'm fine with just rolling my eyes at them and moving on. I was surprised my sister and especially brother would be interested enough in what I have to say to read it over and over again, even if they made fun of it. It made me see I didn't know either of them. The sister of my fantasy was way too stable to literally stalk my every thought and I'm not sure if my brother did it as much as her or not, but...wjhatever. She could write a memoir right now or he could and I wouldn't read it. I am not interested in their deep thoughts/</p><p></p><p>Like my hubby said, "They must have nothing to do." He laughs at them and it helps.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 655431, member: 1550"] Cedar, it went like this, and I suspect it went similarly for you and others who were scapegoated. Sadly, some people still elieve they are bad because Dad and Mom and Sis and Bro say so. My therapist was great and told me to tell her how I am bad and evil. I told her my worst and she laughed and said, "Everyone loses it. Everyone is obnoxious sometimes. You gave me five examples and many more of the good you do. That does not make one bad. Your mother should have realized (Dad too) that you were neurologically different or, at least, not doing well and instead of blaming you or yelling at you or calling you names or saying you were selfish or portraying you as somebody practically in The Mobd, they should have shown concern and sensitivity and love and support as it is in normal families. Maybe they didn't know about "a lot like autism" back in the day, but they knew their child was different and sad and they did little to nothing to try to offer comfort and refused to let me see a psychiatrist, even if the best they had was not that good. Why wouldn't she let me go? "Mrs. Rosen took D. and the doctor said it was her fault partly so now D. hates her." It was about her, not making me feel better. And bravo for Mrs. Rosen. She tried to help her kid. She didn't call her bad or selfish or lazy or no good, which I was called. The first step in realizing this is bogus, for all of your scapegoats, is when you realize that this started early in childhood usually and that YOU were the child. Sometimes it starts in fancy. A baby and infant and even young child can not abuse an adult. That thought hit me long ago and seemed cockeyed, but I had the voices in my head. "You're bad...you're bad...you're bad." The second step is when you open up and talk to others who are in similar situations and you start to detach. I did this in my early 40's and I beg younger readers not to wait that long. I did try with my mother, but as detached as she was when she spoke, I was rather detached too. She no longer could say or do anything to rule my life, although her words and actions were still playing head games with me, some from far back, but still the way she felt about me. The third was the total disown. Parents that are normal don't do that unless their kid almost killed them or stole alll their money. I've read on this extensively. And she did it in such a connivving way...talking to me yet not considering me more than a stranger to her. That's one big problem I have with my ENTIRE family of origin. They are very secretive. You don't SPEAK the truth. She would have done me a big favor saying, "You are NOT my daughter anymore. For reasons best known to me, and not to be told to you, I never want to hear from you again Stop calling me. Leave me alone." She was not a nice woman so she didn't talk to me because I am her daughter. She never called me in over ten years. She did it to further the mind games. She did not want to see me when I offered to drive in. She held grudges longer than anyone I ever met. She never lets go of even slights that others recover from, such as the $5000 mess, which was not wrong of me anyway in my opinion. You don't divide and conquer your children. I actually finally had my moment when I talked to my sister the last timea nd she was dating a married man and I realized that this woman, whom I looked up to for being so stable, was a mess and morally dead. If it helped her, she was ok with doing it. Nobody else mattered. This forced me to face the real her and not my distorted view of her that she made smarter decisions than me and that she was more insightful and socially astute than me and that she had some sort of moral code and cared for other people. I was able to see how distorted I saw my entire family and I probably would be shocked if I knew my real brother too and the slights he's come up with through the years considering we barely spoke and he lived in another state. They listened to Mother, but it is beyond that. Nobody in my famiily of origin is stable AT ALL, but at least I had the baseballs to get help early and improve often. I went from a frozen girl who couldn't accept a hug to one who can love with all my heart and who can make good choices about my life...and did. I almost have to thank my sister for busting my illusion of her stability. I didn't know her until that time, although there were so many in-your-face hints all my life. After my new therapy group and brand new psychologist who does DBT and focuses on abuse, I feel empowered and my eyes are open. I wasn't bad. I was abused. The abusers make the abusee feel bad. They feel like they are right. I was not borderline...she had all my records and said nowhere. The only two constants in twenty years of meidal records were the agreement I have a serious mood disorder that is helped by medication and therapy and that I definitely have neurological differences that mimic signs of autism, but I don't have enough to actually give me the label. But I consistenly received a second diagnoses of cognitive disorder not otherwise specified, which is the neurological differences that nobody has been able to name, but all the testing I've had has consistently shown. Basically I was told I was scapegoated because I was wired differently and my mother couldn't handle it and my siblings don't understand it...and they don't sound that stable even without the neurological differences. I laugh at how long we tell ourselves fairytales about our family of origin. Usually I'm fine with just rolling my eyes at them and moving on. I was surprised my sister and especially brother would be interested enough in what I have to say to read it over and over again, even if they made fun of it. It made me see I didn't know either of them. The sister of my fantasy was way too stable to literally stalk my every thought and I'm not sure if my brother did it as much as her or not, but...wjhatever. She could write a memoir right now or he could and I wouldn't read it. I am not interested in their deep thoughts/ Like my hubby said, "They must have nothing to do." He laughs at them and it helps. [/QUOTE]
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