I May Have a easy child in Crisis

[Hound dog]

I've been worried about my easy child for some time. First I was worried because she is my perfectionist, and my overachiever who regularly stretched herself far too thin. For a long time there she was doing the Super Mom stint to the hilt.

A couple of months ago, easy child came and told me that she had dropped her spring quarter classes. She couldn't stop crying. While I was releaved that she had eliminated one of her biggest stressers, I was worried about her state even then. I thought it was the depression over the miscarriage coupled with working two full time jobs and going to school full time ontop of her mother/wife duties. I urged her to go see someone.

Once the classes were out of the picture, she seemed to rally around to her old self again. I still worried about the 2 job thing, though. But they're paying back on that enormous loan they co-signed for and need the money.

A few weeks ago easy child found out she's pregnant. While she should be thrilled after trying for 2 yrs, she's too caught up with anxiety and fear to let herself be happy. I think some of this is normal. I know I went thru it. So, I kept assuring her that every pregnancy is different.

easy child keeps having these episodes where she can't stop crying. When it happens, she calls me.

She just called. She's at work, the tears are flowing and she can't get them to stop. She asked me if I would stay up late so she can call me back once her patients are stable for the night and she can take her "lunch" break. So, I'm expecting another call.

I don't think these tears are hormone related.

Her job is stressful, yes. She works the ICU. But even with working both jobs she's down to working only about 3 days a week. Once her orientation at the new hospital was over, it stopped the 2 full time positions. She picks up extra hours at her old hospital, while working fulltime at the new hospital. And here lately, she has been turning down those extra hours.

The tears and the turning down those hours has me worried. My daughter is in crisis and she doesn't have a clue why. That has me really worried. That she is pregnant and can't take any medications to help with this crisis has me gravely concerned.

For 2 yrs she has obsessed over the miscarriage. And I mean way past the normal grieving. So obsessed that for the past year she has bought ovulation tests and pregnancy test in bulk. The miscarriage obsession / and the need / desire to get pregnant again has gone hand in hand.

She wants to quit the new job and return to the old fulltime. easy child has worked at 4 hospitals in 2 yrs.

I'm worried the obsession is only another symptom, not a cause in this. easy child has other behaviors that have concerned me. Nothing hugely drastic or awful. But concerning when you put everything together. I've found myself wondering if she could possibly be bipolar. I'm not saying she is. But I do wonder. Because to be honest, while easy child is pretty good about self control, she has more behaviors of bipolar than Nichole ever has.

My daughter is teetering on the edge, that same edge (I fear) Nichole was teetering on at 15. I'm worried she's on the fast track to a nervous breakdown. (If she's not there already) And somehow I have to convince her to get help before it seriously damages her life. sister in law has had a hard time coping with easy child in this new state.

Insights, advice, good sound hugs.....all appreciated. Because whatever the cause, this girl is slipping over the edge into the pit fast.

 

[everywoman]

One big gigantic hug for your mommy heart.

I know it is so hard to watch our easy child's go into crisis. When easy child's wife left him last summer, he had a very stressful job, a one year old to care for by himself, a really big mortgage he couldn't afford on his own, was an hours drive from any friends or family, was paying a large amount for childcare, and had a car with no air conditioning. He was as low as I have ever seen him. It was heartbreaking watching him. He, like your easy child, is an overachiever perfectionist, who tries to make everything great for everyone around him. When his wife walked out---he was devastated. I did, finally, coax him to see someone. He read a lot of self-help books. He finally, now, is getting back to himself. He and wife sought counseling and are back together and doing well.

You can suggest counseling. But you know these kids don't think they need it. They see it as a failure on their part. The best thing you can do is listen. Don't offer advice, but do offer to do small things to lighten her load. I spent night after night talking to easy child on the phone about his feelings.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I wish I had some advice. You are certainly having a time with all your kids right now.

Hugs for your mommy heart, and extra prayers for all of you.

 

[Abbey]

Losing a baby is hard. been there done that.

I've never understood the hugely maternal desire to be pregnant, but I know it happens.

Do you live close? Could you just go have lunch and chat? Maybe she just needs a friend to hang out with and calm down. Even though you're mom, you are a friend.

Abbey

 

[susiestar]

Lisa,

Sending hugs for easy child, sister in law and Darrin. This will be hard for them to work through. Maybe you can have her spend a night with you when you don't have to work the next day, do a mom-daughter sleepover? It isn't a fix, not by a longshot, but might give you a better picture of what is going on?

You may need to have a long talk with sister in law about what easy child is going through. And ways he can support and help her.

I will keep her in my prayers. I know how scary that pregnancy is after a miscarriage.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[dreamer]

oh my, I am so sad for you and her..and my brain is kinda depleted at themoment. darned brain of mine.
I did not read the replies, I apologize.....
um, what comes to my mind is maybe she is so scared cuz of the miscarraige....too afraid to accept this? on edge..
OK so prolly everyone else already said that....I amhoping I remember to get back to you. Meanwhile I have a bunch of hugs I can send to you and I can send some cyber flowers from my garden to ya. I know they do not DO anything but I hope they at least give a small smile. HUGS!!!!

 

[flutterbee]

If you tell her that you see her teetering on the same edge as Nichole at 15 would that help put things into perspective for her? It can be awfully hard when one is in the midst of it to be able to tell how bad it has really gotten.

Keep us posted.

(((((((((hugs))))))))

 

[Hound dog]

Well, she called me back and it seems the crying spell stopped as quickly as it started. So she wants to chalk it up to hormones. Maybe it is, but I know her state of mind before she got pregnant.

Do you live close? Could you just go have lunch and chat?

Abbey, the girl lives a half a block away from me down the alley. (one street over) lol We're on the phone with each other daily, and we see each other just as often. We've become very very close since she's been an adult.

I know how hard a miscarriage is. been there done that myself. And I know how hard the following pregnancy can be. I had a miscarriage before easy child. Actually the month before I conceived easy child. And I was a wreck for the first trimester. But no where near where she's at.

I do know she is coming close to the time that she lost the last baby. And it's not helping that the due dates are almost exactly the same. (a day apart) Maybe with this approaching it's just coming to a head. I keeping hoping (and praying) once she gets past the point where the other baby passed, she'll be able to breathe with some relief that this pregnancy is fine and feel some joy again.

easy child has as strong a maternal instinct as I do. (profound) Right now, though, it seems to almost be working against her.

I did get her to agree to speak with my psychiatrist if this continues. She simply can't go on an emotional wreck. I can only hope she has the sense to stick to that agreement.

Heather, yes, if I told her I believe she is where Nichole was at when she was 15 she would take me seriously. I'm hesitant to tell her that, though, because she has this major hang up about disappointing me. Where it comes from I dunno as the kid has never disappointed me a day in her life. But with the way she feels about that, I won't tell her until I feel I have no other choice.

sister in law means well. And we have talked. They're having trouble because he wanted her to back off trying to get pregnant because of the pain it was putting her through month after month. He adores Darrin, and in his mind if he could save the woman he loves some pain by talking her out of another baby, then Darrin would be enough for him. Only it backfired, due to easy child's maternal instincts. (men just don't understand no matter how hard they try) They are only now beginning to be honest with each other and are finally talking. But sister in law just doesn't know what to do when easy child is like this, and he has a natural gift for putting his foot into his mouth. Poor kid.

easy child knows she can pour her heart out to me anytime, and takes me up on it. I just worry I'm not the right person for her to be talking to.

Plus I worry that if (God forbid) she miscarries again for whatever reason, easy child isn't going to fall over that edge, she's going to dive over it.

 

[Suz]

Lisa, I'm so glad she has you for a Mom. I think you are doing great- you are there to listen and to support; comfort and encourage. I hope that as her pregnancy progresses she gets more confident and the anxiety passes.

Big hugs to you both.

Suz

 

[crazymama30]

I am glad she agreed to speak with your psychiatrist if it continues. Hugs, and I hope it is just a bad case of pregnancy hormones, though that sounds unlikely. She sounds very driven.

 

[donna723]

Lisa, it could be a combination of things all hitting her at once. Maybe it's just all catching up with her now. Her schedule of working two jobs and going to school, while being a wife and mother would cause anyone to be going over the edge! Is she disappointed with herself now because she thinks she's supposed to be able to do all this? I remember feeling absolutely exhausted through those first few months of pregnancy, as well as being on the hormonal roller coaster. And if she was working all those hours to help pay off loans, that could be another thing she's worried about. Plus, trying for months and even years to become pregnant and being disappointed month after month is a tremendously stressful thing! My own daughter and sister in law have been "trying" for over three years now and she has to struggle to not become obsessive about it.

Then, factor in all the worry about miscarriage and it's no wonder the poor girl is having problems! I think I know how she feels. In my first marriage, it took me three years to become pregnant with a child that I desperately wanted. When I miscarried at three months I was devestated. Five years later, in my second marriage, after a long time of trying, I became pregnant with my daughter. I was so terrified of losing her, it took all the joy and anticipation that I should have been feeling and replaced it with fear. Even though everything was going fine, I had already resigned myself and prepared myself for losing her so that, if anything happened, I would not go through what I did the first time. It was not a happy time for me as it should have been. Even in the later months, I would not allow myself to count on having her, right up till the day she was born! If she did well, then I would be happily surprised. And even after she was delivered, fat and healthy, it didn't stop! I was one of those that hovered over the crib watching her breathe! And five years later when her brother was born, I did the same thing.

It's wonderful that she has you to talk to and that you are there for her. I'm sure it's a huge comfort to her. There may be more to it, but just what she's been coping with already would be overwhelming to most people. Has she talked to her doctor? Maybe her OB could steer her to someone she could see for a while who could help her put things in perspective. Sending lots of (((hugs))).

 

[Star*]

Don't have any advice - other that it sounds like the girl needs a day so she can stop thinking.

Sending hugs.

 

[Fran]

Daisy, it's always a shock to see our easy child's struggle past the normal amount of struggle.
You know your easy child has been on the fast track to burn out.
My philosophy is if something is broke, get expert opinion, maybe a second opinion then get it fixed. No use wandering pretending she has it all together when in fact she has normal vulnerabilities.
I assured my easy child that although he is a wonderful young man and highly self motivated that he is NOT perfect. He has to allow himself to be human and to not try to portray that perfection to the world when in fact he is falling apart. My goal is not to have a perfect, successful child. My goal is to have a son who is happy, balanced and understands himself. The rest of the world's opinion is of no importance to me.

She is a good girl, a good mommy and hopefully a good wife. Her husband should be the person who should be her support and her shoulder in addition to you. She doesn't have to prove to anyone that she is a super anything. She has to love her life, her husband, her child, her family, her job and be at peace with the limitations life puts on all of us.

Hugs.
Sorry I just got home so I didn't have time to read the responses. I'll try to get to them and hopefully I didn't repeat what everyone else said.

I know you love this child and have a great deal of respect for her. It's not unusual for the most stable, most successful to have periods of uncertainty or instability. It's part of their growing process and ours(as parents of adult children)

 

[Rannveig]

Don't know if you'll see this, Lisa, as it's an old thread (I just came across it now, though), but I noticed it because, like you're daughter, I'm hypothyroid. (I apologize if what you wrote about has since been overtaken by events, but I have a disease veteran's compulsion to share what I've learned.) I find that even though I'm treated the disease causes a lot of problems, including with my mood. My TSH needed to be monitored very closely when I was pg. I only learned this after two miscarriages, however; some OB/GYN's seem to be clueless about the condition's impact. I just wanted to suggest that your easy child make sure her thyroid medication is at the right level; I know she's a nurse, but even some medical professionals really seem unaware of how toxic a mix hypothyroidism and pregnancy can be. After my mc's I managed to have two more children, but I was always very anxious, and I think your easy child's schedule, the job changes, etc., all at what is really a very young age, could make anyone burst out crying.

My good wishes to all your family.
Ranny

 

[Hound dog]

Ranny

Thank you for your thoughtful post.

easy child has always kept a close watch on her thyroid, and now that she's pregnant she's keeping an eagle eye on it and making sure the doctor does too. So far all is well in that area and baby is doing fine. At the slightest hint there may be an issue, easy child is at the lab having blood drawn.

And I am aware it affects her moods. It's how I pick up rather quickly it needs to be checked.

The situation that started this post has indeed resolved as easy child quit the second job at the high stress hospital. And is much happier because of it.

Thyroid and metabolic issues are rampant in our family. We know to take them seriously.

by the way Welcome to the board.

Hugs