I might regret this later but...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Californiablonde, Apr 22, 2013.

  1. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I let my boyfriend temporarily move in for awhile. Well technically he is sleeping on the couch and difficult child and I share the bedroom. But it's still a huge step for me. A couple of months ago the man he was renting a room from had a stroke and passed away. So my boyfriend tried to find another room for rent. The man he rented from previously was an older guy and was only charging $250 a month in return for my boyfriend driving him around to run errands and fixing things in the house. My boyfriend can't afford much, as currently only makes about half of what I make for a living. So he was trying hard to find another room for around the same price. I warned him ahead of time that he probably wouldn't have much luck. Sure enough, places he looked at were wanting around $600 a month just to rent a room. Well over his budget. Then his ex roomate's son gave him an ultimatum that he needed to move out by last weekend. My boyfriend told me he hadn't found a place yet so he would have to sleep in his jeep for awhile.

    Of course I'm not that heartless to let anybody sleep in a car regardless of who they are. And the fact that I love him even more so. So I offered to have him sleep on our couch. I never thought he would actually take me up on it. I thought he would end up finding a room for rent for a little more than he wanted to pay, but he never did. He is really dead set on only paying $250 a month. So his parents offered for him to come and live with them in Arizona. My boyfriend talked to his boss and his boss said he could transfer his job to Arizona. When my boyfriend told me this I kinda panicked. I didn't want to lose him. So he told me it's either Arizona or staying with me. I opted to have him stay at my place. He is going to help me out financially by paying a couple of utilities. So that's a plus.

    Down part is I feel like I'm losing part of my freedom. I have been living on my own for the past seven years. It is going to be a huge adjustment for difficult child and I to live with a man. I spoke to difficult child about it and she was fine with it. Up till now she's always been telling me I need a man in the house to fix things and be sort of like my protector. Well she got what she wished for. I think she is more okay with it than I am at this point. I feel like I need to change my lifestyle a bit now that he's here. No more taking my night time medications early and going to sleep at seven during the work week. Sometimes I'm just too anxious and tired to want to stay up any later than that. Now that he's here I feel obiligated to stay awake until at least 8:30 and watch TV with him. Sometimes I just don't feel like it but I feel like I have to. And I usually don't clean during the week. By the time Saturday rolls around my place looks pretty messy. Now I feel like I need to keep the house up more with him there. I don't want him to think I'm a total slob. So maybe that part is a good thing, cause Lord knows my housekeeping skills up till this point aren't really the greatest. Maybe he will motivate me to be a better person. I don't know yet. He just moved in yesterday so we'll see how it goes. I hope I don't live to regret this. This could make us or break us. Only time will tell.
     
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    And maybe he could help clean.
     
  3. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I don't think he's ever cleaned a day in his life! But you never know. He may offer. One thing I'm sure of is he will be a good maintenance man cause that's what he does for a living.
     
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    First of all, I do not have ANY moral judgments for letting him live with you. NOTHING I say is based on any ideas of morality or judgment of your morals. I do think it is sweet that you care so much for him. I also worry about a few things.

    What do you know of leases and tenant's rights? Unless the son of his ex roommate had gone through a formal eviction process, there is ZERO way that your so had to leave by the weekend. If he does maintenance in a residential building, he should know this. If you and he have relationship problems it may be VERY hard to get him out of your home as he will have every legal right a tenant has. You may be in trouble with your landlord for letting a renter who is not vetted by property management move in with you. Your ex may also have a royal fit over this. From what little I know about CA divorce laws, you probably will not have a judge be willing to even listen to his complaints unless SO has some type of criminal record or other major problem.

    How much do you know about SO and his background? You do NOT need to answer me, but you must be honest with yourself. Have you run ANY of the checks that a landlord would run? You are not just a landlord with property to protect from renters with criminal backgrounds and/or other problems. You have moved him in with your daughter in a one bedroom apartment. That is HUGE. Your situation would be wonderful for someone who wanted to harm you or your daughter or son when he is there. This man will have full access to your daughter when you are not home. Is he a sex offender? How do you know he is not? Did you check the sex offender registry and city/county/state records to see if he has been arrested and what for? You can do these online.

    It is one thing to take that risk blindly for yourself. It is a whole different ballgame to put your daughter at that type of risk. It is not close to enough to ask him if he has been arrested for anything or if he is on the sex offender registry. He could very easily sold you a whole pack of lies about his past. You don't know unless you have done the basics of checking him out. Many of the searches can be done for free, but there are services that do it easily and quickly for you that charge. in my opinion it would be well worth it to have one of these companies run the check because their fees are a miniscule sum when compare to the cost of the damage that could be done to your daughter, yourself AND your relationship with her. You really do NOT need those headaches.

    What are the ground rules for the house? Have you chatted about what you expect of him? What he must do around the house, if anything? What will happen if he sits around like a sultan and expects you to take care of him? What is he to do when difficult child explodes or does other difficult child things? What is totally not okay for him to do, for you to do, etc....? What is he to contribute to the household finances? How will groceries be handled? Does he buy his own and not eat with you? Do you split the costs so he pays about 1/3 and you 2/3 and then negotiate as you see how much he eats and how expensive it is to add him to the grocery budget?

    Do you intend to treat him as a short term guest or a long term roommate? What behaviors do you expect of a good roommate? Of a short term good guest?

    What does he need to know about difficult child and her problems? What role is he to play in her life right now? What is he to do when she is out of line and/or takes his stuff/breaks his stuff/tests the limits, etc... What is the minimum he is to wear as he is around the house? Is it okay for him to wear just a towel to go from bathroom to wherever he will change? What are the parameters for your intimate times with him? How do you schedule these times? What is acceptable for difficult child to see of the two of you? Hugging? Kissing? hand holding? snuggling on the couch to watch a movie? Going into the bedroom alone as she is in the main part of the apartment?

    What are acceptable leisure activities? How much alcohol is okay for him to drink in your home? Can he smoke or use other forms of tobacco there? What will you do if he brings pot or other drugs into your home? what if he gives any of these or alcohol to difficult child? What friends can he bring over to the home? How many at one time? What can they do and/or not do? (I say this one because my first apartment roommate allowed her father and uncle to rebuild an engine on the brand new bright white counters in our kitchen. With only one single sheet of newspaper to protect the counter tops. She had a hissy when I insisted she tell the landlord that I was NOT to be charged for the replacement and that she give the entire cost of redoing them to the office. She truly expected that I would pay at least half the cost and would forfeit my deposits. None of my college friends had ever seen me levitate as my head spun all the way around with fury until then. I was just 'cute sweet little' Susie until that day. I was 'she is scary when you go too far' Susie after that.

    What deposits has he given you? Is the landlord okay with him fixing things? In MANY lease agreements it says the landlord will make all improvements/repairs. This protects you and the property. If something is damaged/broken and the repair is not up to code the fees can be enormous. If the repair is not done correctly, it can hurt more than the property. It can hurt people. If SO has made the repair, YOU may be liable for any damages. this would include fees paid to other tenants due to flooding, needing to stay elsewhere until the problem is fixed properly, and fees for violating the lease. You can also be evicted and face lawsuits for damages AND you will have a tough time finding an apartment you can afford after the other managers/landlords find out that you damaged the property with DIY repairs by SO. I don't care HOW good he is at fixing things, problems happen during repairs and YOU would be on the hook for damages and possibly punitive fees also. SO would not be liable unless you add him to the lease. If you have a cosigner, they could be held liable also and this could seriously harm your relationship with the cosigner.

    SO had choices other than your home. He simply made it look like he didn't so that you would rescue him. I think you may need to use this, whatever happens good or bad, to teach yourself that you do NOT have to take care of others and it is unwise to make offers to people unless you have thought long and hard about the situation and what you will do if the worst happens. This was sweet but not well thought out and is fraught with pitfalls.

    You are very sweet and naive in various ways. It is important that you start looking at the long term ramifications of choices like these. Maybe you can arrange a friend or relative to call when you want to make an offer like this or to enter into a big decision, esp one that impacts your kids on so many levels. You could work to make statements like "I could regret this but" or other "but" statements to be a trigger to make that phone call to discuss the decision. If you don't want to talk to someone about this and deal with other emotional baggage or judgment from the discussion, you could write out a table with pros on one side and cons on the other. It would help you to organize your thoughts and make informed choices rather than offering without thinking things through and then having to deal with the problems that follow.

    You NEED to talk to someone about your medications. You have a difficult child at home who needs you present in the evenings and mornings. Not just physically there and asleep at seven but truly awake, aware and functional. You should not be staying up to watch tv on the couch with SO. You should be staying up to be there for difficult child, to take time to improve your relationship with her however you can. It is NOT acceptable to take your medications several hours early to get away from anxiety. That is a HUGE HUGE HUGE sign that you NEED more help. If you don't have a therapist, you NEED one. Even if you have to give up some hours at a job or get on a waiting list at a busy mental health clinic. I thought you had a therapist at one point. If you do see one regularly, you MUST be honest about your medication use, anxiety and this impulsiveness. Do you have ANY idea how much your daughter's risk of being abused increased when you allowed SO to move in? NOT NOT NOT saying he has, will, or plans to hurt her in any way, but just by moving him n your increase her risk of being abused by an astronomical amount.

    I have given you a LOT to think about. Please take time to answer the questions to yourself, openly and honestly without hiding from yourself and the reality of what you are doing by allowing SO to live with your daughter and yourself. You don't need to answer me if you don't want to, but please think about every single question and/or suggestion I have made. Especiallly please allow the doctor prescribing your medications to know what you are doing with them in the evenings and to help you with the anxiety. I know how awful anxiety is, and it won't get better by hiding things or adding chaos to your life.

    I do hope that whatever happens does not damage any of you, including SO.
     
  5. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Don't have time to add much but one thing. When I sleep at seven difficult child is sleeping with me. Her Geodon puts her to sleep faster than my Saphris does and she is almost always in bed before me. So we go to bed the same time or I go to bed a little later than her.
     
  6. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    Also, if you're Section 8 and the rental office finds out he's staying there - that's trouble. For one, that's too many people in a one-bedroom apartment for HUD regulations. For two, he'll have to be added to the lease and his income added to yours and the rent changed to reflect that, likely making you ineligible for Section 8.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Just reminded me of a problem I had with a tenant or so-called "tenant." I took in borders to help me pay the mortgage when I owned a house and was newly divorced until this happened. One border, who had a bedroom in the basement, had a crush on me and used to harass me all the time. I wanted him to leave and he wouldn't go so I called the cops. The cop stood up for him and said he had tenant's rights, rude awakening for naive little me. He could have stayed, but he did leave. I was lucky and I never have invited anyone to stay with me since then. It was very reckless of me to do what I did, but I was totally clueless about what a tenant could do.

    Not saying boyfriend would do that. You know him better than we do. But it IS hard to get somebody out of your house once they are living there.
     
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    For a minimum... get in writing that this is a TEMPORARY situation (helping out a friend) and put a DEADLINE on it.
     
  9. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    When my 1st husband and I were separated, I moved into my own apartment. A few months later we tried to work things out and he moved in to my new apartment. Well I was young and did not realize you can't just have people move in who are not on the lease. We had to move out or go through the approval process again with him on the lease. Just be sure this is the right thing to do all around.
     
  10. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    I think your subject line says a lot about what you expect this arrangement to lead to in pretty short order .. .. .. don't be afraid to heed your own advice - when you have your best interests at heart
     
  11. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    We aren't section 8 so no problems there. I wish we qualified that would be nice. But anyway now that he's there I kind of like having company at night. And he is keeping me motivated to clean a bit more around the house during the week. So I guess it's not as bad as I thought it would be. Both the kids really like him so that's a plus. Especially difficult child. easy child is more reserved around him but difficult child and him have a lot in common, including the types of TV shows they watch. Anyway, I think this will be a true test to see if me and him truly do have a future together. We have known each other for three years and have been dating for fourteen months. I would like to be married someday, whether it's him or someone else. Only time will tell if he is the right one or not. For now I am enjoying his company and we seem to get along really well. He is the longest boyfriend I have ever been with since ex and I broke up. So I guess that says something in itself.
     
  12. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How will this situation affect difficult child's weekend visits? Where will he sleep? Will he feel comfortable coming back to the apartment since he is more reserved around him than easy child? Anticipate some issues -- what will you do if he prefers to stay at dad's now?

    Your lease could be terminated if your landlord finds out you have another adult in the unit without listing them as an occupant on the lease. Check out your lease to see what it says. It's not a matter of rent based on income I gather, but it's still an issue.


     
  13. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    easy child will be sleeping in the bedroom like he always does. We have two beds. A queen size mattress for difficult child and I and a twin mattress for easy child. And easy child is used to my boyfriend already. He usually comes over every Saturday night for dinner and movies. And easy child is starting to talk to him more. He is usually quite shy and reserved around adults and it takes him longer than difficult child to feel comfortable carrying on conversations with people. But now he will actually initiate conversation with my boyfriend even though it's usually only a few sentences. Typical for him. He's not a big talker. Regarding the lease, I am not sure how long my boyfriend will be staying with us since he is actively trying to find another place to live. But I am going to call my manager and ask a few "hypothetical" questions. Like if I put a roomate on the lease, would he have to pay a deposit? As far as rent is concerned, I know that wouldn't change because the lease says the rent is a specified amount for three people in a one bedroom apartment. But I am going to ask the manager about the deposit situation. In the end it would work out better if he was put on the lease so we could get an extra parking permit for him. Right now he's parking in visitor's parking and there's hardly any spaces. Most of them get taken pretty quickly so sometimes it's hard for him to find a space. He's disabled and can't walk very far so that makes it even more difficult. So I will ask my manager today about a potential roommate situtuation.
     
  14. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    You should have gotten a copy of the lease agreement when you signed, read before you call the manager so you don't raise any red flags with them.
     
  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    It sounds like you are going to do what feels good right now. I'm really worried that you are not listening to your own instincts. You told us long ago that you were going off medications, and that you could become impulsive, etc. That to me means it is not a time to make such a decision. I would make this temporary. Your management will figure thus out, especially if you ask about a hypothetical situation. If he goes on the lease? That could end up ugly.

    I'm not trying to be harsh, I just hope you considered what others said, esp. Susiestar.

    Your last post did not address how this may affect your kids. And you have no obligation to do so here! Just hoping you have done so in your own head. I'm here to tell you that my mom had her boyfriend move in and the apt. had proper bedrooms. He was a nice guy.
    But, it was super stressful, uncomfortable situation and my teen sister really suffered. It also set up a pattern that my sister has continued where the rest of us will not have someone live with us unless there is a commitment. She has two kids who have had a few guys move in and out. They all have their own rooms but....the kids get upset. She does not boyfriend hop, these were guys she thought she might marry. Not one has worked out, it's sad and hard on the kids.

    It is very hard on kids to have parents' boyfriends or girlfriends move in. It is not immoral in my humble opinion, just really complicated with kids involved from my own personal experiences.

    I'm sure others have better stories, just sharing.

    I always wish you the best. You are a really good person.
     
  16. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Buddy, I have never said I was going off my medications. I am still taking all my medications and will always continue to do so. I would never stop taking them because I know what disaster it could lead to. My bipolar is currently stable it's just my anxiety that's kicking me in the ass right now. But I am dealing with it in my own way. Going to therapy, communicating in my online bipolar support group every day, and meditating. Having my boyfriend around more is actually helping. And I don't think it's any different than my ex and his wife living together. The only difference is they have a piece of paper to validate their relationship and we do not (yet.) And I say yet because sooner or later I will insist we get married. I don't want to live with a man before marriage for several different reasons. Which is why, when others have suggested we get a bigger place and make it official with our own bedrooms, I have said no we are not going to do that. I won't share a bedroom with him until we are married. Whether or not that will ever happen, I don't know.

    This is a test to see if there really is a future between us. But for now having him around seems to be helping me. I am more motivated to clean. No more leaving dirty dishes in the sink until the weekend comes. I clean up right away. Our place looks better. I am enjoying having the company after work. difficult child and my boyfriend have many tv shows in common that they like to watch together and talk about with each other. He helps her when she is having problems on the computer. She has been telling me for months now that I need a man around the house. So she is happy he is there. I do think having him there will make them even closer. And I have been sticking to my diet now that he is living in the house because I don't snack at night since he is asleep in the living room. All around it's turning out to be much better than I thought it would be. I'm not meaning to sound defensive. I just want to explain how I am feeling at the moment. I am feeling much more positive about the situation than I was a week ago. Hopefully it will all work out for the best. For now I am happy with my decision.
     
  17. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Honey, this post made me little worried for you. First of, there is more difference between your situation and your ex's situation than piece of paper. Your ex and his wife are committed to each other and share a home. Your boyfriend is bunking on your sofa because he had to leave his last place and he is not willing to pay rents in your city. Yes, you may be sailing towards committed relationship and shared home, but you are not yet there.

    Another thing, that really worries me, is that when you tell how him living there helps you, you in fact list how you are changing your behaviour to please him or because you would be embarrassed to show him how you would usually behave. In some ways that is very natural. When we meet new people or our relationship with people we have known for some time goes to next level, we are all trying to show our best. No one can of course keep that up forever and then we show our real colours. But in your situation, things you should be looking at when thinking if it is going to work or not, is not how you try to please him (in fact I would count that negative, if you feel intense need to change to please him) but how he works into your and your kids life. Him helping your difficult child is a good thing, but it is not enough. It's much more important to take a note how much he helps you around the house. Does he take care of dirty dishes (and not only his but also other's)? Does he help you to clean? Is he contributing to utilities and paying his fair share of the food? Is he helping you with the rent? Is he showing the responsibility and character of the man worth of your time and affection?
     
  18. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Yes he is helping me out financially. I wouldn't let him live with me if he wasn't paying for anything. He is going to pay gas and electric plus help out with food costs. He has already given me $50 this week alone. I don't get why other people can live together and be married and it's okay for them but for some reason not for me??
     
  19. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Of course it is okay for you. But when moving together with someone, there are always some risks and problems involved. More so, if there are children involved. To go into living together/marriage with open eyes and well prepared does make those problems and risks smaller. Unfortunately by what you are telling us, it doesn't seem that you really are prepared and thought this through calmly and with time. It sounds more like a hasty decision made under duress. That makes us worried for you.
     
  20. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Fair enough. I really did make the decision last minute but in all honesty it is working out better than I expected. So I am trying to think positive and hope for the best. So far so good but only time will tell for sure.
     
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