i miss her

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Apr 22, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i know detatch yet i miss her it's that simple, easy child that is. each day i wake up and say ok she isnt' here. i try not to get too wrapped up in my thoughts, haven't cried in two days so that's much better.


    yet difficult child are feeling it bigtime. our home is so quiet besides our nutty dogs. monday's and wednesday's are always filled with laughter, kids arguing, smiling faces etc. i have all my kids here than (step kids) yet tuesday night we normally do dinner with-easy child. difficult child and i ate alone and she said ok i miss easy child. i said me too baby.

    i knew thursday thru monday would be a hard haul for us. husband is working each night, house is quiet, my emotions bounce all over regarding it. i'm more irritable now. i can blame it on a million things yet i'm out of wack due to it. it's that simple, be it right or wrong.

    last sunday her and i would normally go find take out, than head to bakery than go home and eat together. this sunday difficult child was gone and i did the same yet without easy child and it didn't sting yet i missed her so much.

    i'm also really worried about her, she isnt' attending therapy as she said she would, she's making some really bad choices, and she's 17. i have that hole kid left home syndrome yet its more complicated i guess due to the way she left home. it really does feel like a void inside of me.

    i keep waiting each day till it feels better, goes away a little i feel more at ease with it. whether it right or wrong detatching from her is hard. really hard. alot of times husband will come home now and leave door open for her i have to remind him to lock it, we just keep doign things forgetting she isnt' here.

    i don't know why i posted this i guess to vent. i've been doing alot of that lately. the other junk doesnt' even really matter, i've always handled difficult child everything just feels more magnified now due to this. everything.
     
  2. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Jena, although Matt left on probably better turns that your easy child, I do absolutely relate to the feelings of it being odd. The forgetting to lock up etc. I went shopping yesterday without locking up because i'm so used to Matt being here to hold down the fort. I think it's normal. I'm glad you aren't "stuck" in it from the sound of it. You're learning, adjusting, missing, longing, and yet functioning and doing things. You aren't wallowing. The feelings you are having sound completely normal to me and I do believe over time will become easier but these kids are ours, they are young, among many other reasons parents stress out. If it isn't normal well I'm not normal either. The word I keep saying to myself is "time". Give it time.
     
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    lol thanks. me too. she's such a wreck though. it breaks my heart. if she headed off to college or to something good i'd be proud, miss her yet proud and happy for her mostly.

    she has a new facebook picture up as her profile with her chest basically hanging out of her shirt like she's selling herself. this after the call i got yesterday. it's just too much. i want to go there drag her out by her hair chain her to her room medicate her pay therapist to visit in home and do session. by detatching i feel like she's going to be real mess of an adult. this plan isnt' working out the way id' hoped. seriously she looks like a hooker on her fb.
     
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    The last conversation I had with difficult child 1 before he started boot was a phone call. He was in Cali. He loved it there. He was never coming back here. He hated this place and every one here. He was never coming back, and he meant that.

    I smiled and said 'I'm sorry you feel that way, because I love you.' I got more of the same in return.

    I hung up and cried and prayed. But it took me 6 months or longer to miss him.

    You're doing all you can for her right now. She has to figure it out on her own that you aren't the enemy. Unfortunately, that takes distance and time.

    Hugs.
     
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    shes' living with another mom. she is basically selling herself in this picture? if she was in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) i'd say ok yup bye. knowing someone was taking care of her. this is ridiculous. i have to drive by the house each day and keep my hands on the wheel because all i want to do is stop infront of the house drag hte mom out and beat the **** out of her. her daughter is a wreck, sleeps around. easy child's following well. and here i am now taking her for an std test and she's got a picture like that up?? i mean seriously??? it's just heartbreaking to watch this it really is. it makes me sick to my stomach.

    sorry i'm just really fed up with this. it's taking so much self control she's only 20 blocks away. this mother whomever she is makes me sick. to let a 17 year old not attend school and live there? it just blows me over to no end.

    she's in a downward spiral that's what she is. it isn't about finding out i'm the good guy i wont' be to her i'll always be the mom that's all. she isnt' giong to be ok shari i can feel it in my bones. she isnt' giong to turn out ok and get herself thru this. she has the means now, this stupid mom keeping her, shelter food. seriosuly i wanna go there and rip her out. i have to fight the urge each night.

    husband says and what will happen when she returns what can you do to keep her in the house? i said i wish we had money we could have a car watiting to take her to another state to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or whatever and get her outta here. she'd be too far away to get herself out. she needs serious help
     
  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    difficult child 1 didn't go to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) either. He went into boot camp. Boot camp that we all bet he'd fail. We expected him to be awol. And if it were the "old" military? He would have. As it is, they gave him a second chance.

    I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm not downplaying your gut feeling at all. All I'm saying is if you rush in and try to fix it, she's going to resent you more and its gonna take her that much longer to hit bottom. She's not going to change until SHE wants it. She's not going to change until whatever she's doiing now isn't working for her anymore. And you can't make those things happen, no matter what you do.

    Drag her to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? Sure, it would be nice. Whatever happens there is going to be YOUR fault. She has to own it in order for it to work. Good or bad.

    You have to learn to let go somehow. Even the other mom. While you and I don't agree with what she's doing? Its still easy child that's choosing that path. Beating up that mom won't fix a thing. That would be like beating up another woman that your husband is sleeping with...yeah, she's part of it, but he's doing it, too...
     
  7. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    You weren't here when difficult child 1 left. And he was a far cry from the worst kid on this board. The weekend before he left, he spent $1500 on God knows what to get drunk and high. He overdrew his bank account. He broke into houses, he drove drunk every night. My biggest fear was that he would kill someone else. He lit his brother's bed on fire. He wrote songs about raping girls. I couldn't leave him alone with Wee. He was suicidal.

    I didn't think he would be ok, either. No one in my family did. And I'm not saying your easy child will be ok or not. I'm just saying that with my difficult child 1, there was nothing more I could do, and that's where you are. I knew that the military was his last shot (in fact, if he wouldn't have been going into the military, I would have called the police on his myself to put a stop to it all). It was sink or swim. He sank first (in the military). Then he learned to swim.

    Your easy child isn't in the military, but she has to sink or swim now.

    I understand, Jena. We all do.
     
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Shari i'm so sorry i can't imagine and no i wasn't here. wow is all i can say you def. have had your share. ill take your advice i'm sorry for what you went thru. sorry i freaked out. i saw me typing those words and i was like oh man go calm it down crazy woman........ so i did watched a movie with difficult child ate some cheese doodles those always calm me lol and i'm taking a hot bubble bath.

    your right i know you are. i know it in my heart also what i have to do. i am ok most days yet seeing that sent me reeling. than the call about the gyn and std. i was like are you kidding me??

    their so frustrating yet we love them still. i have to stop wondering why she's like this. that's where i get stuck the why's of it all and loosing control over what she's doing and not doing. your right one way or another this shall pass.

    i'm at a point ijust wanna be happy. 41's hitting and i'm like time to be happy. guess i gotta let go to do that. thanks. i appreciate it. i'd never hurt anyone in reality it's all fantasy world what i'd like to do by the way lol.
     
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    So bring me up to date did you tell her to leave because she wasn't following the rules? Or did she run away?
    She is 17 so you can easily have the police pick her up, which I would highly recommend even tho she will be 18 soon. It gives you one last chance to instill your rules and values.
    Again refresh my memory - you still have legal custody so why is she gone?
     
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I just wanted you to know I understand. Even tho my difficult child made it out of difficult child-dom...it didn't look good when he left.

    I dont know if this will help you or not. It does me...Think back a year or two. Heck, five. Do you remember panicking about something that, at the time, seemed earth shattering? Sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. But either way, today, for the most part, you have a new set of problems that are consuming your mind. And this time next year, we'll have a new set of things to worry about, and so on and so forth. Yeah, maybe the overall issues of difficult child-dom don't change, but the crisis of the day does. We survive, we go on, we face the next one.

    Its so hard. But you have to find peace in yourself to let her live with her choices. At 18, 28, or 48.

    Another thing that helped me was a little book called the 4 Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. Its a strange little book, but it hit home with me. Stop by Barnes and Noble and sit on the floor and check it out. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't.

    Hugs.
     
  11. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i'll go there tomorrow!!! LOL. and i think letting go at 28 and 40something will be much easier!!! :) its the 17 thing that's kiling me! thanks your right. breath breath..........

    steely too long to go into. she was a wreck here, we told her follow rules or you have to go she left. she was wreaking total chaos here in our home. no cops aren't the way to go. no point she'd leave again anyway. i'm working on detatching not calling cops. :) trying trying trying.....
     
  12. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Yeah, the idea of 28 and 48 seems easier, but in reality, we have no more control over another at any other age, either. influence, maybe, control? no.

    Hugs.
     
  13. Jena

    Jena New Member

    yea i know.......... but at 17 we should be a huge huge influence. round and round i go!!!
     
  14. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Jena - I was 17 when I left home - got the "Here are the rules" speech (comming from an Italian family, you can imagine what kind of rules those were), and said..mmmmm....no thanks, and left - not a mere 20 blocks, but 3,000 miles.

    Looking back, I was not ready to be on my own - I was absolutely clueless, but there I was, undiagnosed with more than I like to think about now- with only the clothes on my back as I forgot my suitcase in a park somewhere in the midwest. It was Mr. Toads WildRide for a while, but can tell you it was the best thing I ever did for myself, and my mother, who wasn't complete unless she controlled every breath I took. She got to have some sembalance of a life for herself. LOL. I survived on the kindness of strangers, and lived next door to an older woman who took me under her wing. It took a little while, but I grew as a person - and eventually took care of my own mental health issues, went and took some classes in college, worked at times three jobs to survive (with a baby). Wasn't a natural progression of A to B to C - more like A then to the end of the alphabet then to the middle

    Did I get into trouble - you bet - and learned to get myself out of it and not do whatever it was I did again. There were months (and years) I had no contact with my mother because she was insistant that I was just not able to care for myself, always with the come home, we will take care of you, you can't do this, you can't do that, you need help. At the first probably she was right, but after a while, I found my stride and blossomed - I had to - there was no safety net for me. Unfortunately, when I did go home later in life, I didn't realize by leaving I would forever be that 17 year old as far as she was concerned (and still am to this day and I will be 62 this year and she still brings up every chance she gets about me leaving :)

    Your girl is only 20 blocks away - she wants to start spreading her wings, no matter what kind of a mess she is. She will learn soon enough on her own that not having that high school diploma is going to hurt her job chances, and living on the kindness of strangers, well, kindness will not last if you don't pull your share. And partying all the time gets boring. She may run back home after a while, or not . She seems to have a stubborn streak (wonder where she gets that from) - the more you harp on her that she isn't able to do this that or the other, the more she is going to do it.

    Try and take some comfort that she has a roof over her head, food to eat and is not out on the street.

    And I am soooo thankful I grew up in an era that didn't include Facebook

    Marcie
     
  15. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    Reality check time: she could check herself out of an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) at age 18. You weren't controlling what she was doing when she was "living" at home. She managed to find herself a place to live so she is not out on the street. Instead of trying to control a kid you can't control, you have detached from the whole power struggle and let her find her way because that's what she wants and she is old enough to strike out on her own (at least in a few weeks). You can't control the other mother. You can't control her. Period.

    Yes, it hurts terribly to have them out of the house. Even when they are safe in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or psychiatric hospital.

    If you haven't already you might want to look at the posts in the PE forum. I gain so much wisdom from the really brave parents there.
     
  16. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Jena,
    Every parent, for alll of time, has been through a version of this. It's just that we warrior moms have been through it a bit differntly and, thus, understand it differently. I suffered terribly when my difficult child left - to live with her own dad! It just plain hurts and we ALL go through it.... be it with our pcs our difficult children or our combo kids.

    You will hurt, but you will survive. She will find out she's not really in Disneyland, and she will figure it out

    Come on over to the PE board where a whole band of strong warrior moms are there for you.

    Dash
     
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Jena, I'm sorry it took me so long to get here, but I don't check the WC every day. I think you are a very strong woman and I feel really badly for what you're going through, partly because of my own older daughter who put us through so much. We also made her leave and she wouldn't speak to us for several months. I cried myself to sleep every night. I stumbled through every day. My heart hurt. But the reality was, she wouldn't stop doing drugs at home. She was self-destructing. And the younger two kids had to see the cops at the door. They were terrified of her when she got out of control due to her drug use. But that didn't stop the pain.

    You know the story of Julie (she's legal now, that's her name and I'm so very proud of her). While away from us, she didn't starve. She found herself a job and walked to work every day. She started to call me again and we kept in close touch. She quit drugs ON HER OWN and calmed down, reassessing her behavior. She met a NICE young man and has been with him for eight years now. She went back to college to fulfill her dream of being a pastry chef (cooking is her passion and she rocks at it and excels). She wouldn't put forth any effort toward her potential at home, but she did on her own. She is still in school and works in their restaurant...they are probably going to offer her both a permanent job there AND a teaching position, in which they will pay her to go back to school. She bought her own home. Kicking her out was the best thing we did. While she was home and her needs were taken care of, she was not motivated to stop the drugs.

    Please think of the possibility of a happy ending for your easy child and focus on that. She will come around and be in your life again. I would not comment on any choices she makes in the meantime. She will only rebel. But she may get "tired of myself" like my daughter did and turn a corner. My thoughts are with you. I understand how you feel.
     
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks guys i do appreciate it. i know i'll get there. yesterday was a weak moment. midwest mom i'm so glad to hear a story like that again, it gives hope. i can't imagine with drugs in the mix how hard it was on you. i havent' cried since monday, yet last night in the middle of the night difficult child was going at me bad last night i sat in bathroom husband finally passed out and i just had a good cry. i was in pain too with my legs i think it was just everything at once and i'm pmsing also lol.

    i will go to that forum. thanks. i know i can do this, i guess difficult child going at me past two nights and husband it's been a bit harder. she needsa medication change an di'm so nervous to do it. it's ridiculous. my bodies aching bad also. when it rains it pours...... :)

    supposed to bake today etc. dont' know if taht's happening knees are so swollen it's painful so i'm in bed still with coffee :)

    seriously if it wasn't for you guys and yes that husband of mine i wouldn't of been able to do that with easy child to begin with
     
  19. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Jena,
    just wanted to let you know my difficult child 1 was a mess when she left home too. She moved out to live with her boyfriend (she'd known him about a week) when she was 17, about a month shy of her 18th birthday.

    She had been in a lockdown Residential Treatment Center (RTC) out in Utah for about 8 1/2 months when she was 16. She did great there--thrived on the structure, the relationships she formed with the other girls, had a wonderful therapist, etc. Yet, when she returned home she reverted to her old behaviors and was worse than ever (drugs, alcohol, boys, staying away from home, etc.).

    The summer she was 17 she spent running around doing as she pleased--nothing we did made any difference. She was in therapy, was on a PINS, etc. None of it mattered. We just kept reporting her missing when she didn't come home. Eventually she was picked up by the police, sent to Juvy, then court ordered to a dual diagnosis Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in the eastern part of the state.

    Again, she did great--she got her GED while there which was a total shock to me since she had no interest in school before that. But, once again, when she was released she returned to the same old thing. That was in March and she moved out to be with boyfriend in May.

    They spent the summer in New England, bumming around, living in homeless shelters. She started having seizures and was found to be having pseudo seizures, probably due to the stress she was living under. She also got pregnant and miscarried. We allowed her to come home in August because she said she was tired, miserable, just wanted to rest and she was going to get her life together, blah, blah, blah...

    As I had mentioned in another thread, we ended up kicking her out because she did nothing to improve her life, just used us as a hotel.

    The next 4 years (til she was 22) she spent with this boyfriend who turned out to be abusive, controlling, just really horrible. They had a child, a boy, in Nov. of 2008 and she ended up giving him up to a friend because the boyfriend was neglecting him while she was at work (he made her work but did nothing but sit around playing video games all day and would not even change the baby's diaper).

    Last May she found out she was pregnant again and they were stuck in Chicago with no money. She was supposed to be joining the Navy but that was out of the question now. She called me for money (I had no idea she was pregnant, had no idea of most of what I am telling you now, including that she had given up her son). I refused. They ended up going to Georgia to his stepfather and E, my difficult child, met a woman (the boyfriend's stepsister) who immediately saw what was going on.

    E asked her for help and she and her husband took her in. The boyfriend left town to work on the oil spill in Mississippi and E cut all ties with him.

    Long story short, this amazing woman helped E but E had to be ready for the help. She says when she found out she was pregnant again she couldn't go through what she had gone through with her son and she knew it would be the same situation all over again. She was looking for a way out and her friend provided it.

    She now has a beautiful 3 month old baby girl and she is also working on getting her son back (he was taken away from her friend for suspected child abuse--long story!)

    She has totally changed and she has apologized so many times for the **** she put our family through. She has made amends with all of us--has not made excuses for herself and also has given us the space to have her earn our trust. She is so thankful that she has a new chance in life. She says there were many times she just wanted to kill herself, she felt so hopeless. She thought we would never be able to forgive her.

    The point of this long story is to let you know that things can seem so bleak and yet turn out okay. I had given up on my daughter. I accepted that she was who she was and though I loved her I had a life to live and other children to give my time to. I truly had gone on with my life. I had little contact with her and never knew if she was lying or not (she usually was). I just took everything she said at face value and it didn't affect my life one way or another.

    By doing nothing yet being "here" I think it was the best thing I could have done. When she was ready she reached out to me. Also, I see that I was not the one who could start her on the path back. The woman who has taken her in is the person who helped her change her life and I am so thankful to her. I know your dtr is not in a situation like that but she may be some day.

    Anyway, hang in there and never lose hope but do go on with your own life--that is the best thing you can do for yourself and for both your dtrs.

    Hugs,
    Jane
     
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