I miss my old life

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Roxona, Feb 22, 2016.

  1. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    I miss my house and my old, quiet life. I miss my backyard patio and my grape vines and all the little wild flowers that would spring up unexpectedly. I had my son J to handle, but that was all. I had a good career, and I was finally getting back to my artistic endeavors that I had set aside when J was young.

    I had lost both parents to separate tragic events, and I was so lonely.

    husband was a widower with two young boys at home. He had the saddest eyes I have ever seen. I thought maybe we could bring happiness back to each other's lives. Time flew fast and before we knew it we were blending families and my little, beautiful, peaceful house was left behind.

    The house of chaos is large and someone is always throwing a temper tantrum, or yelling or fighting. Stress permiates the air, and I am fairly certain you can see it from the street, oozing out of the windows and the doors.

    J hates it here. He had his issues to deal with prior to coming here, but the stress of this place always has him on edge, so he never stays around very long.

    SS10 is mostly the cause of all this agitation. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, sleep disorder, anxiety disorder, attachment disorder and the emotional growth of a three year old. He lies about everything and is defiant, disruptive, manipulative, etc. He has to have it his way or he will throw a tantrum. He does not believe the rules apply to him, and he constantly rejects authority. He manipulates everything and will only tell you what he thinks you need to know. There is always much more to the story than what he is telling you. He has no friends because he bullies everyone. He picks and picks and picks until he has you so infuriated that after a couple of years, I am constantly running to get away from him. The sound of his voice makes the hair on my neck stand up.

    husband and I get along fine. The only thing we argue about is SS10. SS6 and I get along fine. He is a dream of easiness compared to his brother.

    It had become so stressful that I quit working because my work was very demanding and I couldn't keep up with everything because my personal life had blown up out of control. The school was always calling about SS10, or the teacher was emailing, or the nurse calling us to come get him due to some fake illness, or he had to go to counseling appointments, etc. Then there was J's issues with drugs and the law and trying desperately to get him to graduation, so his school advisor and I were texting daily.

    At one point I was soft and understanding, but now I have become rigid and unflexible. I dread the daily battle I know I'm going to have to deal with. I don't like this. Somewhere along the way I forgot how to let it all go. I feel like I'm locked in a saran wrap of negativity and there is no hope of breaking free. How do I swing back the other way? How do I find that quiet peace I had when it was just me and J.
     
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I love the way you describe the situation...I feel all those feelings too. Wish I had answers, but all I can handle is tea and sympathy...

    And I would love to share your old peaceful little house with you!

    KSM
     
  3. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

    Roxona- I feel for you. I miss my old life strikes a chord with me. I miss Before. I miss when I was happy and carefree. Before i worried every second of the day wondering if ds was going to kill himself or hurt himself in some way. When I could make decisions based on what makes me happy . I am so very tired of dealing with the dark ugly depression that has taken over my son. It permeates through every part of my life and my other children's lives. I too had to leave my job because the ovewhelming stress of taking days off to handle dr appointments and crises was too much to bear. He takes every ounce of his pain out on me as I seem to be the one standing in his way. He ran out of weed last night and I have been the one talking him off the ledge. Loving him through it as he alternates between complete despair and spewing hate at me. I never ever know what the day is going to hold so I can never make plans. Some days like today i want to crawl in bed and give up. Not really helpful info though I know. I just feel your pain.
     
  4. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    I totally get where you are coming from !!! I was married to my first husband, which is my DCs dad. He left me when Difficult Child was 1 and moved to texas and never gave me a dime for child support. It was just me and Difficult Child for 6 years. I had a good job, owned my own home, and just like you, it was very comfortable and my daughter was no problem back then. But along came what I thought was my prince charming....He treated my daughter very well and me as well. We married, and he wanted me to quit my job so I could stay home and have more babies. It sounded like a great plan, I mean not having to work WOW!! So I quit my very well paying job, sold my nice little home, and moved into his home with my daughter, who was 6 at the time. He legally adopted her and things were fine for awhile. I had 2 more children, and I liked being a stay at home mom. Then my daughter hit the teen years and my husband started showing favoritism with his own 2 kids and my daughter felt it. She was not a bad kid just normal teen stuff. She excelled in sports, was senior attendant, broke track records and was a flag girl in band...very popular beautiful girl. Then her senior year she got pregnant, she graduated, but everything went downhill after that. My husband basically disowned her and she really didnt love the baby's dad but married him anyway. Long story short she started her spiral into what she is today. My ex fell in love with the girl at work and left me for her. My daughter will turn 40 on the 29th and her life is still a train wreck. My 2 other kids are very well adjusted and are very good to me, but I still blame myself for letting her get lost in the shuffle. My ex still has nothing to do with her or her kids. and my daughter sits back and watches everything he does for my other two. So yes there are times I wish I could go back to my peaceful little house and my great job. But then I wouldn't have my other 2 kids who keep my life sane. I don't know if my daughter would have turned out differently or not, but I have to play the cards I have been dealt I guess!
     
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I almost wish I had an "old life" to miss. I'm still on my original journey, with my original hubby and our joint two kids, and the (growing) stack of issues and challenges that never goes away. I keep hoping that by the time we retire (age 70?) that I might actually get to have a quiet, predictable, enjoyable life.
     
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  6. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    I miss my future life that I was planning. My husband is retired and is often the point-man to walk the perp walk into the office with dear grandson after he has been suspended, messed up, been inappropriate, etc. I'm unable to retire from my very stressful and sometimes physically injurious job as a special education teacher (I work with kids with moderate/severe disabilities and am often scratched, bitten, hit, hair pulled, spit at, etc). because we need the money to pay for stuff for him, help my daughter because the courts, in their wisdom, are not having the children's father pay but less than a quarter of what he should for child support for his children. My husband is 73 and has maybe 10 good active years left. We wanted to travel, perhaps relocate away from this increasingly expensive San Francisco Bay Area, we wanted to garden together, and just have time. But we are so stressed out over having to raise a child that everyone else is having a very hard time with, but that we seem to be able to do better than most with him. I will not abandon this boy. But dammit, we're older, we've raised 5 children, buried one, worked two and three jobs and at time, and now there's no end in sight. It's so hard. My heart goes out to all of us! We will all get a special place in heaven, I'm hoping.
     
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  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    HMBgal.... Do you get any funds for your grandson from the state? When we had custody of our two DGDs we received some funds for their care, would also pay for day care and they had a medical card. It would also cover a respite weekend occasionally. Does he have a case worker you can talk to? Have you adopted your DGS? We did, and when husband started getting Social Security, the girls get a small amount each month.

    We lost their monthly benefits and medical card once we adopted because the court made it a private adoption.

    Hope you find some additional help. KSM
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nothing much to add to the good advice here except that if your son talks about suicide don't play professional or stress out begging him not to do it. I think a better way is to call 911. Every time. I think he'll use that threat less if you do that. It could well be a manipulation. If not, you are not qualified to care for him. He'd be safer in a hospital.
    Hugs. I'm sorry.
     
  9. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    Thanks for the sympathy, KSM. I would love to have tea with you. :)
     
  10. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    No, no funds. No adoption would ever happen. I want my daughter to raise her son, although she's quite happy to have us do as much as we do. She does work two jobs and because there are no other babysitters, we're it. AT $20 hour for any type of child care, none of us can afford it. And the behaviors are too severe to be welcomed at any after school daycare/YMCA type program. We pay for most of the clothes (for both of the children), haircuts, swim lessons, doctor co-pays (their father carries the insurance, thankfully, but never seems to actually take them to the doctor), and any extras (and there seem to always be a lot of those). And I help pay rent so my daughter has a place to live. She picks up the kids after work at our house (at around 7 pm) and they stay with her during the week. We drop the little girl off at her fathers house on Fridays and pick her up on Monday after school, but the father refuses to take the grandson until he's "safe" for his three step kids and toddler that he had with his new wife. So we do most of the true parenting like homework (oh lord don't even get me started on trying to get that boy to do anything homework-related), meals, laundry. And even though my daughter works two jobs, she doesn't qualify for state assistance. The bar is set very high for that and she can't qualify. If she could get more custody for the kids and he wouldn't be paying for their healthcare, she could get more help. But after three court rulings, each one granting her a little more custody, it isn't at the level where she would qualify, so we pick up the slack. I'm trying to imagine my parents giving me the kind of help during my child-rearing years and it's inconceivable (I was a foster kid, anyway). On the one hand, I'm so grateful that I have the resources, education, and patience to be able to help, on the other hand, I don't see why I should have to do quite so much. I'm probably enabling some as well, and I'm always looking for ways to pull back.
     
  11. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    Thanks to everyone who replied.

    UpandDown, I know how you feel with the suicide threats. J does that from time to time as well. There have been times when I have thought of calling 911 to come and get him as Somewhere has suggested. Mostly I just offer to take him to the hospital if he is truly feeling that miserable. I know J is frustrated, and I understand all the reasons why he feels the way he does. I suffer from depression and have had suicidal ideations in the past, so I understand how real those feelings are and can sympathize. However, I sometime thinks he says things to get sympathy and to get me to not be so hard on him. It's a balancing act for sure.

    Soooo Tired, I'm sorry how things ended with your marriage and your daughter. I, too, wonder if J would have gotten this deep if I hadn't moved in with my husband. I have been married twice before, so I know what it's like to have to rebuild after a divorce. My second husband left me with a ginormous debt that took me five years to get completely rid of. I will not put myself in that position again. I still have my quiet, beautiful, little house and will never let it go. My current husband knows and accepts this. While I am not working now, this doesn't always have to be the case. I can go back to work at any time, but for right now my staying home makes better sense. Happy birthday to your daughter...my son and she share the same unique birthday! :)

    InsaneCdn, At this point, I'm thinking 70, too. *Hugs*

    HMBgal, Your grandson sounds a lot like my SS10, except we have stopped all mediation because it wasn't working, and his behavior was just as bad off the medication as it was while he was on. He's so difficult to handle that his grandparents are only willing take him for sort periods of time. Since you're here on this board, I suspect you spend a lot of time with your grandson. Your daughter is lucky to have you and her father.

    Today has been better than yesterday and yesterday was better than the day before. I hope it stays that way.

    Hugs to all of us.
     
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Have you tried diet changes? Some things that help some people - and you may need more than one of these:
    - dairy free / casein free
    - gluten free
    - dye free
    - sugar free
     
  13. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    I've been working on the diet changes since the beginning. J always did better on a high protein/whole food diet. I also let him have coffee when he was a teen because it helped settle his ADHD.

    When I met my husband all the boys would eat was fast food, junk food and candy. SS10 would only drink soda. My diet was mostly whole foods, but it was a massive fight every night, so I compromised in some ways. There is very little candy or junk food now, and absolutely no soda. I am probably cooking with 75% whole foods, except for breakfast. That's still cereal, and it's on my list to work on.

    So far, we're not seeing any changes in behavior, so I'm not sure if any of his behaviors are caused by his diet, but at least the boys are eating healthier now and growing like weeds.
     
  14. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Dairy and whole grains like wheat, barley and "standard" oats, are healthy. Unless those things happen to affect you in a negative way.

    Eliminating them? rewrite your menu and redesign your kitchen. been there done that. I'm casein free, and have a kid who is gluten free. Mine definitely affects behavior (but doesn't make me "crazy" just dumbs me down and makes me totally ineffective).
     
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