I find myself yearning to speak to my sister....for the first time in say 55 years....Our Mother died a year and a half ago here in the house with me. I have been felled by grief and regret. I had separated from myself from both my Mother and Sister at around 30 years old, reconciling with my Mother at around 40 years and with my sister, never. Yeah, we were polite, but I kept my distance almost completely. She once said, "You used to love me." I did not answer. Yes, I remember that I was a protective and loving sister...but I also remembered the betrayal. She can be forgiven for her cruelty and lying as a child, when she over and over again set me up with my mother and oh so cruel step-father. I see this as a Stockholm Syndrome reaction. But, let me give you a couple of more recent examples from when our kids were young that I have held onto these past number of years (doesn't it hurt so much more when it involves your kid?) #1After a decade of distance, she comes to a nearby city to visit us with her then husband and her 2 baby girls. We pick her up at her swanky hotel. My son is in his car seat in the passenger seat, my sister's family enters the back seat, with the one car seat they had with them. As if I am not present my sister says to my then 3 year old son (God Bless Him) "Can we borrow your car seat for xxx?" I, stunned, remain silent for 4 or 5 seconds that seem as if hours....my baby son (not more than a year from the orphanage) responds clear as a bell: "NO. IT'S MINE." Imagine my guilt all these years. #2 Her and her daughters and I with my son, are at an elderly family member's house, sitting around a picnic table in the yard. We were not close with any of them. My ADHD son, then about 6, audibly says when the elderly hostess is standing behind him: "you pinched me." I remained silent, not wanting to rebuke my son, as I did not see what precipitated his reaction. A few minutes later I walk in the house and find my sister dramatically apologizing to the hostess...."I am so sorry for what xxx did." A few minutes later she tried to apologize to me. I said nothing. Since my Mother died there is no contact at all. Nothing. She feels fury that my Mother changed legal documents to give me power of attorney over care and financial decisions in the year before she died. (There was no change in distribution of assets.) In the year before my Mother died, my sister refused to accept phone calls from either of us and refused to see my Mother (she knew nothing about the legal change my Mother made until after my Mother's death.) There were many, many more betrayals, that I perceived by my sister to my Mother and to I. Most over money...because that was very important to my Mother and sister. But I am certain that my sister feels betrayal by us, as well. So, now that my Mother is dead there is a great yearning for both my lost family. I never before missed my sister. Now I do. Summary of the back story: I buried my love all my life for my Mother and Sister because I felt unsafe with them---until it was too late. I yielded the field to my sister. She had the relationship with Mother for 40 years without interference from me. (I understand, that when I stepped in to take care of my Mother in her last year....this broke the rules. She needed me completely out of the picture. My sister is an extremely controlling woman who insists upon the illusion of matriarchy. She has also always felt entitled to everything, and that anything is justified to gain what she wants. Anything. The question: How do I understand whether this yearning for my sister....is something that I can act on...and how....I see her absolutely rejecting me and humiliating me and insisting I accept all of my faults and failures...and crimes...for what? Is there really love there? Is this longing for her....regret that must be borne, and sorrow that must be felt...without exposing myself to being gravely hurt. This may be especially so because of my vulnerability now dealing with my son, and my extreme vulnerability over my Mother. Oh, I forgot to mention it. She has made a competition with kids. She feels her girls to be near royal. I love my son, but he is not yet Prince William. Thank you for all.