I need a hug....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Jun 24, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Last night easy child was gone to work, husband was at the barn feeding horses and I was inside alone.

    I was in the bathroom and the phone rang. I started to let it just ring then somewhere the thought came that it may be about difficult child and I went to answer it.

    The voice was low and I thought they asked for easy child. I said "who??" and they asked if easy child was here. I said no she's not home and I am sure I sounded short and they hung up.

    My thoughts got away from me and I just knew it was difficult child that called and I was short with him. I pressed star69 to get the number. I called and asked to speak to difficult child and yes it was him that called but he was gone now.

    I felt horrible. I wasn't aware that it was him at the time, but that didn't make me feel any better. My mind raced to thoughts of him thinking I was hateful to him and didn't love him. Oh, how my mind plays tricks on me where difficult child is concerned.

    I decided this am to try to call him and make sure he knew I loved him and to explain that I wasn't aware it was him that called last night. I called, he was there but asleep. I asked his difficult child buddy to wake him and he tried but I could hear difficult child telling him to leave him alone. He said "it's your mom, man get up" difficult child said" no it's not leave me alone". I told him not to worry about it just tell him when he gets up to call home.

    Well, I shared with husband what I did and he was furious. He said I was opening the door again. He wanted to know what I was going to say if I did talk to him. I said he has his mail here for his insurance and the warrants for his license, I was going to tell him about his mail. He again said what are you going to let him do? Are you going to let him come get his mail?

    I honestly had not thought that far ahead. I was again consumed with guilt that my son may think I was short with him and he was trying to reach out for help and I didn't care.

    husband and I are okay now, after a spat and him finally understanding my fears and my need to make it right.

    Just wanted to share with you all.

    Something so small sent me spiraling downward in my thoughts. I thought I was doing so well with detaching, what a wakeup call I have had.

    It is scarey. husband went right back to protection mode and I went right back to the you don't love him like I do mode. We cannot survive in these modes and it has been wonderful since we have moved past them.

    Something as small as a phonecall sent us straight back.......
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Here's one from me, too.......a BIG hug!

    Don't feel guilty about the rollercoaster ride. Life with a difficult child
    just can't stay on a flat plain. DDD
  4. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thanks DDD!

    It is amazing how far you think you have come only to realize you have only taken a tiny baby step.

    It is all right there....Just below the surface that you try so hard to make look okay
  5. judi

    judi Active Member

    Here's another hug. I too just don't have the best thoughts when dealing with my son. His life is so chaotic that I really only want to touch the outside edge. However, I too, don't want my son thinking I dont' care.
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hugs to you, HH,

  7. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    hi there and a hug from me as well. I can understand. they get that small voice, the quiet one...you know they are lonely. then again, once the time passes, they are asleep and you are still awake second guessing your words, thoughts and actions.

    your son knows darn well what he has to do to make things right. trying to talk to his poor lil sis is not the answer. if he was that bad off, he knows your voice and could have said "mom, I am ready for help and want to change my life" instead...he hung up.

    it will get better for you. in time.
  8. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Even if you didn't realize who you were talking to (until later) he knew it was you....He didn't try to keep you on the line and offer any conversation, so I wouldn't worry about being "short" with him at all. Yep, it's true if you are unprepared one small thing can send you back to square one in your struggles to detach...For me a better way to communicate is thru email, where you can think thru replies and edit before you blurt things out...

    Step back into detach mode and work things out with husband so you can stand united....

    Sending a BIG HUG your way.....
  9. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Yes, how true it is that he is not ready for change.

    He knew it was me on the phone and he chose to hang up. I let the guilt creep up and again second guess myself. I went back and forth for a while thinking it was my fault he hung up. I wasn't pleasent enough, love didn't spill out of my words.

    But, I didn't realize who I was talking to. What made me realize it was him was he said is she there, not is she home. Most everyone else says home.

    I have spent the day cooking. Does anyone else cook thru their thoughts? I have cooked everything in the house, we will have leftovers for a week.

    In between getting something off the stove and starting something else, I have used the past post to compile a huge list of concerns for easy child's therapist tomorrow morning.

    I have even looked thru the archives to remind myself just how much this family has gone thru at the hand's of difficult child.

    I am prepared to release easy child from the care of this therapist if we can't get on the same page about easy child dealing with difficult child.

    I have also planned for easy child and I to attend the F.A. meeting on tues night.
  10. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    {{{{{sunny hugs}}}}}}}} :smile:

    HH, it takes a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng time to detach. Don't be too hard on yourself.
    Also, difficult child could have talked to you if he wanted. He could have just said Hi mom. He didn't.
    He's not ready to change, he's content upon living his life by his rules.

    Our difficult child's ultimately teach us how to detach...albeit....slowly.
  11. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Geesh!!! I thought it had been a lllloooonnnnggggg time already.

    I am slowly learning what a hard long process this is. Each time I think my head is above water and I am safe, here comes another wave to knock me back under.

    Hopefully, I am learning to see things for what they are. I am glad I could address what was happening with husband and I before it grew into a wall.

    I could do none of this without the caring honest responses I get from you all.

    I thank each of you for the time you take to respond, your experience and your honesty in sharing what you have lived thru gives me hope.

    We have all been chosen to walk down the same road, thank God those of you that are ahead of me take the time to pick me up when I can walk no further.

    All of you are making a difference in someone's life.
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Detachment is a process. But you never stop loving and caring.

    I know it's hard but try not to feel guilty over the call. If difficult child was ready to talk to you he would have.

  13. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Detatching is a process and yes, something so little as that can make you take a few steps backwards, but now you have to take a step forward and stop beating yourself up. The others are right. He knew it was your voice on the phone and all he did was ask for easy child and hang up. Maybe he needs to think you were short with him, even though it wasn't done purposely, in order for him to realize that he needs to step up to the plate and change his life.

    You reached back out and tried to call, he didn't answer or call you back, now continue to detatch.

    It's not easy, but you can do it ((((((((((((hug))))))))))))
  14. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I tried to post *update* on the other thread but failed to get it to change so I will condense it here ~

    The therapist and I got on the same page. She wasn't aware of the depth of destruction my son had caused.

    I am going to a Alanon meeting tonight ~ we will see how that goes.

    difficult child called this afternoon. He asked if I had called him and I said yes, I wanted you to know about the mail I had gotten from the courts. He said he knew about it all. Then said "Is that all you wanted?" I said "I am praying for you everyday to stop living the way you are and I love you" He said, "What are you talking about the way I am living?" I said "Just forget it Corey, I love you" and he said "Yes, Mam!"

    No, he is not there. I must go to this meeting tonight
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Im sorry HH that he isnt getting it yet. These Corys are hard headed types Im tellin ya. I would have never named mine Cory if I had known what came with that name...lol.

    I think deep down inside they do know what we think of what they are doing. They may not agree with us right now but they know we are right on some level. Mine has said as much a few times. He has said he knows I love him but not his behaviors. He is right. At least he gets that. Yours has to know that too.

    They arent stupid. Just misguided.

    Hang in there. Being part of the Mothers of Corys Club aint for the faint of heart...lol.
  16. Scent of Cedar I

    Scent of Cedar I New Member

    I think that was a perfect response, HH. We are their mothers. It is right that we love them, It is right that we tell them the truth, too. I love you. I don't like to see you in this position. I wanted more for you. I worry about your future. Don't take drugs.

    All those things are good things.

    We can say whatever we want to, to our sons (or daughters).

    There comes a time when whether they listen or not is no longer the issue.

    It is important, for us, that we say what we think.

    And we do love them.

    I agree that it is hard for us, and hard on our marriages.

  17. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I respectfully disagree. They don't listen when they get to the point where HH's son is now so it is an exercise in futility and immense frustration to say anything other than "the basics."

    It sounds like this is a good time to re-read and remind ourselves of the concept in this thread:


    Good luck at the meeting tonight, HH. I know this is a very painful time for you. I hope you can find some peace.

  18. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Yep, best look over the archive for replies. He didn't hear you loved him, he didn't hear you are praying for him, what he did hear is criticism of how he is living.....Even as deserved as this comment is he isn't ready to open a dialogue into this part of his life. If you can't talk to him, you won't have any effect on him.

    I am not trying to be critical of you, and I certainly don't know all the ins and outs of your relationship with your son, but it is a learning process on how to open the doors into a NEW relationship with your difficult child. You have no control over him, YOU are the only person you can control, and change. So change how you talk to him. Make short statements: Your mail is here. Oh, you know that? Great. I love you and I'm praying for you. That's all I wanted you to know. IF and when he asks for advice you can give it, but until then DO NOT offer advice or criticism. It's a slow dance, so don't move too quickly.

    If I have overstepped my bounds please disregard what I have said, you may not be at the point I think you are and I have misread the situation..
  19. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    I've been on the board now for 4yrs HH, and I'm still not detached.
    Suz gave you a link to a post that's real helpful. It's nice to have these quick little things to say. It also feels good not to cave into the rants and the whines of difficult child's. It evens out the power battle.

    It's true, we can't change them, we can only change our reaction to them.
  20. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I hope you got to that meeting.
    Continue to detatch. He isn't ready to change yet.