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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 66066" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Hi Jen and welcome.</p><p></p><p>Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do - you've poured a lot of effort into this kid but everyone has their breaking point.</p><p></p><p>I do wonder about what has been going on in the lives of a lot of these children, before they get to a 'real' family. Some kids work out well, some don't.</p><p></p><p>My best friend when I was growing up had an adopted little brother, adopted when he was about 6. They did everything they could for him. His adoptive mother was a school principal, she spent a lot of time with him tutoring him, teaching him to read. They sent him to the best private schools but he still ended up as a problem. I think things would have been a lot worse for him if it hadn't been for his adoptive family.</p><p></p><p>My sister adopted two kids - both less than a year old when she got them, but still major problems. One has worked out (mostly) and the other did not. But again, he would have been much worse off without the support he got. He is still in his adoptive mother's life and trying to make the best of his life despite a lot of setbacks, including jail time.</p><p></p><p>With my best friend, I think his adoptive parents officially disowned him, although they still kept a lookout for what he got up to. He basically hit his teens and became a HUGE problem. A lot of it was, I'm sure, caught up in his origins, how he'd been treated, his first few disruptive years, etc. We also found with my sister, that what we get told, and what turns out to be the truth, are often miles apart. My sister's adopted daughter was supposed to have been an abused, neglected child, taken from her natural parents for serious neglect. Certainly there were signposts in the baby's behaviour (she would only drink her bottle if it was cold and she wasn't being held by anyone). She had been in and out of hospital with malnutrition, we were told.</p><p></p><p>But now the little girl is grown up with children of her own, AND a degree in child care, she suddenly found herself in trouble with Children's Services and almost lost her baby girl when the little one failed to thrive and developed feeding problems. Despite the mother's training (in this case) she nearly lost her own kids, as she was taken from her own mother.</p><p></p><p>What is the truth of a child's origins? What is their background? What's the family history? Sometimes it's so misunderstood or misrepresented that you are left totally in the dark, trying to second-guess what will happen next.</p><p></p><p>At 11 you will be at the early stages of testosterone kicking in and causing more trouble. If you can't get on top of this fast, you've lost. And can you succeed? I don't know. What more can you do?</p><p></p><p>Others may have better ideas, I have only one suggestion. Grab a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene and read it. There is some discussion of this book in our Early Childhood forum, to get you started. or you can check out the website for the book. But get some sort of idea for it, fast. It may not be enough to help you, but you never know - it might. It shows a different way to handle difficult kids. Because if what you're doing isn't working, it makes no difference if that method was fine for you or husband - you need to change to something that CAN work.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if it will help, all I know is it could be worth a try.</p><p></p><p>And if, after all you've done, you still find you can't get through to him, at least you will know you really tried hard.</p><p></p><p>There are parents here who have been/are going through what you have been, and it's NOT always an adopted child. And even THEY find themselves looking for some form of 24/7 care.</p><p></p><p>So don't feel guilty, don't blame yourselves. Who knows why this is so? Blame always gets in the way and slows down your responses. All you can do is your best. Don't expect more from yourself than that.</p><p></p><p>It's the middle of the night for most people here, once sunrise kicks in you should get some more responses.</p><p></p><p>Keep us posted on how you go!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 66066, member: 1991"] Hi Jen and welcome. Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do - you've poured a lot of effort into this kid but everyone has their breaking point. I do wonder about what has been going on in the lives of a lot of these children, before they get to a 'real' family. Some kids work out well, some don't. My best friend when I was growing up had an adopted little brother, adopted when he was about 6. They did everything they could for him. His adoptive mother was a school principal, she spent a lot of time with him tutoring him, teaching him to read. They sent him to the best private schools but he still ended up as a problem. I think things would have been a lot worse for him if it hadn't been for his adoptive family. My sister adopted two kids - both less than a year old when she got them, but still major problems. One has worked out (mostly) and the other did not. But again, he would have been much worse off without the support he got. He is still in his adoptive mother's life and trying to make the best of his life despite a lot of setbacks, including jail time. With my best friend, I think his adoptive parents officially disowned him, although they still kept a lookout for what he got up to. He basically hit his teens and became a HUGE problem. A lot of it was, I'm sure, caught up in his origins, how he'd been treated, his first few disruptive years, etc. We also found with my sister, that what we get told, and what turns out to be the truth, are often miles apart. My sister's adopted daughter was supposed to have been an abused, neglected child, taken from her natural parents for serious neglect. Certainly there were signposts in the baby's behaviour (she would only drink her bottle if it was cold and she wasn't being held by anyone). She had been in and out of hospital with malnutrition, we were told. But now the little girl is grown up with children of her own, AND a degree in child care, she suddenly found herself in trouble with Children's Services and almost lost her baby girl when the little one failed to thrive and developed feeding problems. Despite the mother's training (in this case) she nearly lost her own kids, as she was taken from her own mother. What is the truth of a child's origins? What is their background? What's the family history? Sometimes it's so misunderstood or misrepresented that you are left totally in the dark, trying to second-guess what will happen next. At 11 you will be at the early stages of testosterone kicking in and causing more trouble. If you can't get on top of this fast, you've lost. And can you succeed? I don't know. What more can you do? Others may have better ideas, I have only one suggestion. Grab a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene and read it. There is some discussion of this book in our Early Childhood forum, to get you started. or you can check out the website for the book. But get some sort of idea for it, fast. It may not be enough to help you, but you never know - it might. It shows a different way to handle difficult kids. Because if what you're doing isn't working, it makes no difference if that method was fine for you or husband - you need to change to something that CAN work. I don't know if it will help, all I know is it could be worth a try. And if, after all you've done, you still find you can't get through to him, at least you will know you really tried hard. There are parents here who have been/are going through what you have been, and it's NOT always an adopted child. And even THEY find themselves looking for some form of 24/7 care. So don't feel guilty, don't blame yourselves. Who knows why this is so? Blame always gets in the way and slows down your responses. All you can do is your best. Don't expect more from yourself than that. It's the middle of the night for most people here, once sunrise kicks in you should get some more responses. Keep us posted on how you go! Marg [/QUOTE]
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