Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
I need advice/direction/help starting a difficult conversation.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 363260" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>Shari, it does sound like your husband is depressed. That said, you've been shouldering most of the load for a long long time.</p><p></p><p>I would cover the following points with him:</p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">You're worried about his health and his mood. He seems not like his old self, and you miss the person he used to be.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">The changes you've noticed are: <list the sloppiness, unfinished tasks, etc. as illustrations of how he's changed, rather than as his "failings"></li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">You've been trying to help him by taking on more and more, but you can't manage it all anymore.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">You need him to sort his head out and/or pitch in around the house.</li> </ul><p></p><p>Then you should decide what you are and are not willing to put up with, and come up with a plan for how you're going to handle matters.</p><p></p><p>Here are a few of the strategies I use:</p><p>My husband has a tendency to hoard, and to start projects that will languish for years. He piles things, and cannot walk by a clear flat surface without putting something on it. If I let him, he would have the kitchen counter so cluttered that you couldn't put down a dessert plate. (In fact, while he's been looking after the house as I recover from surgery, that's EXACTLY the state of the kitchen counter AND the rest of the house). husband knows that, if something is left out on a counter, floor or other "public" surface (i.e. not his desk) for more than a day, I will put it away, give it away or throw it away. So if it's important to him, he makes sure to clear it up himself, otherwise he knows it will be gone. Often, he doesn't miss it once it's gone. </p><p></p><p>husband recently started stripping the wallpaper in our family room. I asked him repeatedly to make sure he was prepared to finish the job before he started. For 1 week I lived with one corner stripped, all the furniture in disarray and a ladder in the middle of the room, all with no progress beyond the initial corner where he started. So last weekend, I told him that until he's ready to continue, he can put the ladder away and put the furniture back. I can live with the wallpaper disarray, but I can't live with the junk everywhere and the furniture all askew. </p><p></p><p>I just box him in. He's learned that if he strays beyond my tolerance I will do something about it and he likely won't be happy about it. So, he's learned to either take care of his own stuff or not to complain when I take care of it my way.</p><p></p><p>Hope this helps a little.</p><p></p><p>Trinity</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 363260, member: 3907"] Shari, it does sound like your husband is depressed. That said, you've been shouldering most of the load for a long long time. I would cover the following points with him: [LIST] [*]You're worried about his health and his mood. He seems not like his old self, and you miss the person he used to be. [*]The changes you've noticed are: <list the sloppiness, unfinished tasks, etc. as illustrations of how he's changed, rather than as his "failings"> [*]You've been trying to help him by taking on more and more, but you can't manage it all anymore. [*]You need him to sort his head out and/or pitch in around the house. [/LIST] Then you should decide what you are and are not willing to put up with, and come up with a plan for how you're going to handle matters. Here are a few of the strategies I use: My husband has a tendency to hoard, and to start projects that will languish for years. He piles things, and cannot walk by a clear flat surface without putting something on it. If I let him, he would have the kitchen counter so cluttered that you couldn't put down a dessert plate. (In fact, while he's been looking after the house as I recover from surgery, that's EXACTLY the state of the kitchen counter AND the rest of the house). husband knows that, if something is left out on a counter, floor or other "public" surface (i.e. not his desk) for more than a day, I will put it away, give it away or throw it away. So if it's important to him, he makes sure to clear it up himself, otherwise he knows it will be gone. Often, he doesn't miss it once it's gone. husband recently started stripping the wallpaper in our family room. I asked him repeatedly to make sure he was prepared to finish the job before he started. For 1 week I lived with one corner stripped, all the furniture in disarray and a ladder in the middle of the room, all with no progress beyond the initial corner where he started. So last weekend, I told him that until he's ready to continue, he can put the ladder away and put the furniture back. I can live with the wallpaper disarray, but I can't live with the junk everywhere and the furniture all askew. I just box him in. He's learned that if he strays beyond my tolerance I will do something about it and he likely won't be happy about it. So, he's learned to either take care of his own stuff or not to complain when I take care of it my way. Hope this helps a little. Trinity [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
I need advice/direction/help starting a difficult conversation.
Top