I need encouragement to do the right thing...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemysons, Jul 18, 2013.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Well, as some of you may remember, husband and I were to ask young difficult child to move out as of this past Monday...that would have been 6 weeks notice.
    But the waters got alittle muddied up 2 weeks ago and young difficult child and his wife began looking at rental homes and realized they had not even enough money to put down a deposit. It was at that point that we all talked and decided that 6 more weeks with husband saving money for them would be the plan.

    Now, young difficult child is using again. The signs are all there: Needing money back that he just had saved for him, Lying to his wife about how much money was saved, early sleeping/or up in the middle of the night, going to wife's mom's house the other night and slurring words/having trouble eating, stealing cigarettes from me, stealing Trazadone from me, asking to borrow money from his sister, etc.

    So yesterday I told him he has til next Friday to move out...that is 2 paychecks from now.
    He of course wanted to know "who" has been saying that he is using. He wanted a hug, and to tell me he loves me...no doubt trying to pull at my heart strings. But I just can't do it anymore.

    I told husband last night that next Friday he must just tell me to stand behind him as we escort our son out of our home. I don't want to get in the way.

    When Young difficult child was released from prison in December and came home to live with us, we provided free room and board, a job, his family over, a Truck we bought for him (after allowing him to use my vehicle for 2 months), etc....
    And he has nothing to show for it. Nothing.

    He is making $13 an hour working for his brother. I hope he can make it. If he cannot, I can give him a list of area shelters/food banks etc. but that is all.

    I am finally tired of supporting the drugs he puts first in his life...instead of his beautiful family. They deserve so much more and the waiting must come to end...for all of us.

    I know I will be in tears when young difficult child is lead out the door...What will happen to him? Will he do something stupid and go back to prison? Will he try to commit suicide?
    Or...is it possible that he may look for "real" help and get it on his own?

    The unknown has been stirring around lately...with the Biopsy and now young difficult child's exit.
    I am so glad you all understand my feelings and fears and will be with me through this transition.

    I know in my heart we have done all we can for young difficult child. I pray he is truly a survivor. I pray he will land on his feet and start being the man he was meant to be for his family's sake.

    I need to be strong.
  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LMS, I have been working hard on learning how to let go. I have been seeing a therapist and she has helped me see that it is time to let my difficult child sink or swim on her own. I, too, worry about suicide or an overdose but the truth is that those things can also happen in your house (remember when my husband found my difficult child overdosed on the couch?). My therapist pointed out that worrying about these things is keeping my husband and I in a state of emotional blackmail.

    I think my difficult child finally believes that husband and I are ready to completely cut ties if necessary to keep her from being able to emotionally blackmail us with her threats of hurting herself or going to live with a heroin dealer. The therapist did say that we have to be strong enough to accept the fact that this could end badly but realize that we really have no power to stop her from hurting herself and that enabling her behaviors is also hurting her.

    So I think that you are doing the right thing. Does his wife and kids have somewhere else they can stay? I know that would be harder than just telling your son that he has to leave. Believe your gut . . . if you think he is using again then he is using again.

  3. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I think you know you've done all you could. And then some! I do think it's the right time to let him rise or fall under his own steam. Not easy to know your son is flailing. However he's flailing WITH all that you do for him. You are absolutely doing the right thing. He has to decide what his future will be and do the work it takes to improve his own situation. He is a grown man, has three children of his own he needs to fight for a life for. He isn't being served any longer by having the endless contributions of others when he isn't contributing himself to his own future. Will he rise to his own cause and find a new path? I sure hope so. However, if he does not, it is his own decision and his own lack of priorities and it's time for him to live the full effect of those choices.

    Stay strong LMS. You've done remarkably loving things for all of your children, and your difficult child continues to take advantage while making devastating decisions that impact is life so negatively. He alone is responsible from here on out for what he does with himself. It is high time it is so. Meanwhile, you and husband need a long time to adjust to your new reality, where your kids are grown and they remain your kids but they are adults and need to be distanced from (personal problems part) to a much larger degree. Free yourself from the burdens of parenting a grown man who should be parenting his own children. You were a gift to him all of this time, offering hope and opportunity. You can lead a horse but can't make them drink. Your difficult child is a darn stubborn horse.

    I wish you the best next week. Just remember, it's going to hurt you when you stand your ground and make him actually go. It's part of life that hard feeling and you will survive it and move beyond it. It's okay for it to be difficult. Just focus with your common sense head and not your heart. You're absolutely doing the right thing. I've just thrown out my S/O for his return to drinking. It's TOUGH. Every waking moment, he was my best friend. It's eating me up. But I had to do the right thing, not the "I wish" or "if only" thing. His choice made my decision for me. Likewise, your difficult child's choice makes yours for you. Hugs.
  4. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Kathy and Mattsmom,
    You two are inspiring...as you are walking the walk, not just telling me what I need to hear.

    Kathy, daughter in law and the grandkids are currently living with daughter in law's mom. daughter in law's mom is an enabler too...she will let them live off of her til the end. Neither daughter in law or Young difficult child are very ambitious people...One of them needs to step up and make provisions. But first things first...Young difficult child must stop using; drugs/alcohol/people, etc.

    I will keep listening and thinking about what you all have said.
    Thank you so much,
  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You are AMAZING! Mine is too young to be put out of the house. The way he seems to WANT to go, I will be dealing with it in 1 year when he turns 18.
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    One more thing to think about . . . my therapist said that when we finally set and stick to the boundaries that difficult child will not like it very much and will fight to see if she can keep manipulating. If we stay strong, she will eventually see that we mean it and stop because it isn't getting her anywhere. But that will take time and we need to stay strong.

    Your difficult child won't believe you at first either since it hasn't stuck in the past. There is something called an extinction burst in dog training where a dog will frantically keep upping the ante trying to get you to give in to doing what it wants you to do. Eventually, it will give up. Our GHG's will do the same thing.

  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lms stay strong. Listen to what Kathy says, she's been through it too. Both you ladies are in my thoughts and prayers.
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member


    i think you know I understand and am walking in similar shoes. The guiding principals that have come to me lately are

    I have really done all I can, it is up to him now. His choices are his choices and I have no control over them or the outcome.

    The hope is that he stays alive and I will help support that but won't let him use it to manipulate me. It does mean that being safe and sober are the best thing, and if that means prison to do that then so be it.

    The only thing I see keeping him from being a hardened criminal is the love of his mother and so I will continue to love him and show him I love him in little ways. However that does not mean sacrificing my own life to do it because I also need to love myself.

  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Due to circumstances I have not had to take those steps, as you know. on the other hand I truly believe that now is the time for you to set boundaries together with husband and easy child. As your very recent scare indicated there is no way to truly "know" how many more years you (or anyone of us) might have to redirect our own lives. It breaks my heart that you have to face that only he can change his lifestyle. You've been trying and trying and trying. You can't do it for him.

    You always stay in my thoughts and my heart. Those who have had to take that big step of separation are the ones to listen to closely. I assume they might suggest that you change the locks at home and at the business. Perhaps they will know whether you should sell the truck or transfer the truck and eliminate him from the insurance policy. No matter what steps are necessary I encourage you to take them. You'll also have to predetermine, I assume, if you are going to change phone numbers or just limit how often you accept calls from him and his SO....that's going to be a big decision, too.

    If you feel overwhelmed consider going to visit your Mom for a week or two so you won't be absorbed in the drama. I don't doubt that husband and easy child can face the flack. In the long run there is no doubt that this is not only the best choice for him but also the best choice for you. Figure out how you can distance yourself as much as possible because he has always turned to you. I will be saying prayers and sending supportive thoughts. Your friend, DDD
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Thinking of you....
  11. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    DDD made some excellent points. We signed over the title of our difficult child's car to her and made her have her own insurance policy long ago. We wanted to make sure that we had no financial liability in case she drove drunk or high and had an accident.

    If your difficult child has a key to your house then you need to change the locks. Also, I have found that I need to limit contact with my difficult child for now so she can't keep making threats to hurt herself which she knows has a big effect on me. She was holding me emotionally hostage. So I have blocked her texts and have her calls sent straight to voicemail. If she leaves a message, I can choose to listen to it or not and choose to call her back or not.

    In fact, my therapist has suggested that we tell her that we need to set up a weekly call and stick to that schedule. That way we can get off the roller coaster that she has us on. If she becomes inappropriate in the call, then we can end the call and tell her that we will talk to her in a week. We'll see how this goes.

    I'm sure others will have suggestions, too.

  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so very sorry you are having to deal with this. I understand your fears of what will happen to him, will he go back to prison, will he commit suicide, I have lived through all of those fears too. This is a treacherous path and there are no guidelines for us, only our own sense of when we've reached our own limit and you've reached yours now.

    Perhaps not being present on the day your son leaves would be a good idea, to save you from the likely drama to try to manipulate you into allowing him another chance.

    I believe you are taking the appropriate action now. Facing the unknown, the uncertainty of life is indeed scary, we humans like to control everything........... but there is light at the end of the tunnel, there is the acceptance of what we can't fix or control and that acceptance brings peace. Hard won for sure, but it does come in time. I am so sorry, I know how hard it is to do, but you are right, it is time now, he needs to step up to the plate for his family. I am sending you big hugs and lots of warm wishes for peace of mind for you................
  13. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hi LMS, when it rains it pours.

    Stay strong and yes, you are doing the right thing. Funny how our difficult child's NEVER. 2nd guess their own behavior so we agonize double over our own responses to their behavior. Ironic.

    Stay strong, you got this. Stay busy over the next few weeks. Busy helps. Xoxo
  14. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Like Toughlovin has said before ...better to be angry.

    I am trying to see that I am NOT responsible for the outcome. That really all we are doing is slowing down the process of real recovery from drugs and alcohol...impairing and getting in the way of "God's plan".

    I have talked to my girlfriends and will spend the evening with one next Friday. I will have husband go through the process of seeing our son to the door as he would have done this long long ago if it weren't for my feelings getting in the way.

    I must keep my "mommy heart" at bay. Why were we given this soft place in our selves? It does me no good in times like this. I have to go against the grain of my soul.

    I have to keep my eye on young difficult child's 3 precious children. J who is 6 and he gives me toy rings to wear as presents, J who is 3 and hugs with her whole heart, and J who is 1 and has this whole "baby of the family" thing down, smile. Beautiful children. Yes, these are the little souls that I need to remember through all of this...Not the baby I carried and have carried through all these years.

    I am not responsible for the outcome. I am not responsible for the outcome.
    I need to believe those words.
    Thank you all for supporting me...and what is "best" for my Young difficult child.

    ps...DDD and others, your suggestions about the locks are good. The truck is in young difficult child's name and he carries his own insurance, also has his own phone plan.
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know how hard this will be for you. You have tried so hard. I firmly believe that losing my memory of most of the fall of 2008 was a godsend for me. We did make ours leave but I dont remember it at all because I lost my memory due to illness. I dont advocate almost dying as a good way to get through this but I guess its better than us dying with them.
  16. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member


    I can feel the pain in your posts.

    Its tragic but you are out of options. Well, not really, the bad ones and the one you are taking remain. I'm glad you are going to be with your friends. You need support.

    i agree that it is easier when you are angry. I've seen my emotions towards my difficult child change from anger to nothing. Sort of a detached numbness. Sure things can all of a sudden tug at my heart strings. But, things can also remind me exactly why we are in this place. I'm sure your emotions will ebb and flow and change during this process.

    i feel so sorry for the kids. They didn't sign up for this. But neither did you.

    *praying for a peaceful transition...
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I also agree its easier when you are mad as fire. When your mommy heart starts to waiver its so hard. If you want to talk, you have my number.
  18. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Last night young difficult child came into the living room and talked to me awhile.
    He said he had a "spark of confidence" that he can live on his own and that "this is not the end of the book"...I told him "No, it is the beginning of a new chapter in the book."

    It did tug at my heart strings alittle...He really is a good soul...but unfortunately he has proven to put drugs first.

    Did want to clarify as I messed up the age of my oldest grandson...He is 5, not 6, will be 6 in November on his mother's birthday.

    I am trying to stay strong despite young difficult child softening my heart last night.
    I must do this.
    Thank you all for your wisdom and care,
    ps...Skotti, I may give you a call if/when it hits the fan. Thank you.
  19. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member


    Kathy suggested in another thread to make a list of all the idiotic things they have done so we can refer to it in weak moments. Would that be of help to you?

    stay strong...
  20. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    LMS I totally understand when your heart strings are pulled...I am the same way which is exactly why mad is easier than sad!

    Stay strong though cause no matter how much he wants it the drugs have a strong pull and I don't think he will do the next right thing unless he has to...and living with you he doesn't have to.