I need help - cannot live the abuse from my 18 yr old daughter

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Loveforhorses, Nov 26, 2014.

  1. Loveforhorses

    Loveforhorses New Member

    I am a single parent, got divorced 10 years ago, my ex husband left the country and has little or no contact with my daughter. She is 18, the problems started with her first year of high school, ranging from petty theft, to theft from a shop out of which a court case followed and "rehabilitative counselling". Problems got worse year on year with her smoking marijuana, bunking school regularly - throwing drunken parties at my house during school hours, bullying and hitting other girls in the school, very verbally abuse towards teachers. She ended up in hospital in 2013 after basically smoking way to much weed and taking in too much alcohol simultaneously - she ended up in casualty not knowing who she was or who i was. This lasted about 10 hours - they suggested i put her in a soft rehab which involved therapy, counselling and life skills. She was there for 3 weeks and came out with the answer that she now knows why she is a "f..up" and its as a result of me?? They diagnosed her with borderline personality disorder and gave anti-depressants and mood stabilizers - she refused to take them as "the problem isn't with me its with you". Since then to date i am subjected to being called an "F...ing C..t" and being told she hates me and only lives there as she has no choice, she screams and launches at me physically , these episodes happen whenever i disagree with something or call her up on something or just when she happens to not have had a good day for other reasons. I've gotten to the point that I am scared of going home from work and dread waking up in the morning. She won't see anyone and won't take any medication. I'm at my wits end as i feel like running away........I'm a nervous wreck all the time and becoming depressed myself which is affected my new job badly.
  2. She is 18. She can move out. It sounds hard but you have to put your safety first. Secondly rehab does only work if the addict believes it and is motivated to do it. You couldn't have acted in any other way. Even the most severe rehab could not have altered the outcome unless she went in motivated to change. Sometime you see surprising stories but in reality the addict matured and hit rock bottom. It could have happened inside a rehab or just as well outside. It is all about motivation.

    Try to approach the social services to investigate possible housing options for her.

    I have seen it with my brother. He turned his life around after moving out of state. Hopefully your daughter will change her ways some day, but until that keep distance and let life educate her. I will pray for your both.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter changed her life too, after we made her leave and she moved out of state to live with her straight arrow brother.

    I don't think I could live with that sort of abuse day after day. You have to decide if it is worth it to house and pay for her while she is behaving this way and, if not, explore your options. Some of us have made our grown children leave...some have been homeless, but they survived. Some keep the grown kids at home. It is what you can handle. It is important to think about your own health and happiness now that you have raised your daughter to maturity. She knows right from wrong and can certainly get an entry level job and rent a room in somebody's house if she does not want to be homeless. If not, there is help in the community for her. Her life choices are now up to her.

    I agree that rehab only works if the person is motivated and wants it.

    Are you in any sort of therapy? If not, I highly recommend it. Does she hit you? If so, then in my opinion it is mandatory that you take care of your physical safety and make her leave. At the very least, I'd call the police when it happened. That is really not ok, not for any reason. Borderline personality disorder, full blown, can be dangerous to live with. But if the person wants to change and is willing to work hard, the person can change. Your daughter does not seem to want to do that yet. IF she ever does, there is dialectal behavioral therapy, which was created strictly for borderline, which was once seen as untreatable. But it is treatable and there is a good book out for those who love somebody with borderline. I will paste the link.


    Hugs for your hurting heart.
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2014
  4. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

  5. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Please realize that personality disorders are somewhat different than mental health issues in that while mental health can be treated a person's PERSONALITY is highly unlikely to change. My saying: Personality change would be as if an honest hardworking, peaceful and kind person tried to change their own personality to be mean and hateful, harmful to others. The good news is when Borderline is the diagnosis, there is at least a chance that it may burn itself out later in life. In your daughters case you seem to be dealing with both, and yes it is quite painful for the person that is being victimized by the mentally ill/disordered person. It will take you time to accept that you did not cause this and can not fix it. Until then, at least you might start to entertain the idea that you are a VICTIM of Domestic Violence. Many people assume they are only involved in a domestic violent relationship if it is partner violence. (boyfriend/husband- girlfriend/wife) In that situation we can choose to leave them forever and never allow that person back in our lives. Admittedly, we moms have a much harder time kicking our abusive kids to the curb. Having said that I hope that you come to understand that you are being victimized and seek the help in your community available to ALL domestic violence victims. I am so sorry that you are going through this right now and I know from experience just how much it sucks to be victimized by your own child!
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    For the record... some personality disorders can be modified. Not a complete change, but a matter of modifying the worst aspects. Only, of course, if the person wants change.
  7. Loveforhorses

    Loveforhorses New Member

    Thanks, yes it is very hard to kick ones own child to the curb but even harder to see yourself as a victim , you constantly feel responsible somehow for their behaviour. I am trying very hard to keep my life on track - have gone back to gym which is helping keep me slightly sane.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You're right. Borderline is one. People are actually able to learn how to think differently.

    However, most people with personality disorders, most especially narcissism and antisocial, have no desire to change and get miffed at the very idea that anything is wrong with them, let alone do the uber-hard work to get into therapy to change their hardwiring. Even most borderlines resist, although many are starting to and are pleased that there is a good therapy to help them help themselves in 2014. They are in the minority. A personality disordered trait is to become infuriated and in denial if anyone even suggests you need help or that anything may be wrong with you. It's not them, it's everyone else and they won't open their minds up to anything else.

    Because of this, most of the time personality disordered individuals won't even admit they have a problem. Usually they blame everyone else for what they do.

    My father is a flaming narcissist. He has been verbally abusive and even threatening all of his life, but none of the three of us kids can ever remember him either apologizing or even acknowledging that he has ever done anything wrong. In fact, he thinks he was a great father and says so, in a haughty voice, all the time.

    Honestly, before I met my current husband, I did not know how a normal family lived.
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  9. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    If there is a choice to be made between her or you, because she is abusive - you owe it to yourself to remove yourself from this abusive relationship. Please consider joining a domestic violence support group. You are every much the victim of DV as someone involved in partner violence and need the same support if not more (because it is coming from you adult child). Shame of being the parent prevents most victims for this kind of family violence from getting help. It is about time that those of us who suffer this type of abuse (from our adult children) stand up and be counted as the victims we are, which we can only do if we avail ourselves of the services offered by the domestic violence community. I do understand the hurt and confusion we place on ourselves by trying to convince ourselves that somehow we are to blame for the violence because we raised the child. However, when we dance that dance, we forget to take into account that DNA also plays a role, as does the society the child was raised in and those they choose to hang out with. So in the dance of blame we have to cut ourselves some slack - and come to the understanding that while we "might" be to blame in part, there are "other" factors at play here as well. By the time this "child" is an adult, there is nothing we can do to prevent them from acting out violently towards us. This is why I say you are within your rights to say no to her abusive ways by getting help for yourself. People in the domestic violence support group probably can help find a way a way to both get her some help (somewhere else to go) and remove yourself from this violent situation. You are fighting an ADULT with a mental illness. Do not punish yourself by not seeking the help you deserve as a human being. (the right to be safe from ALL types of abuse) as a person. Abuse includes but is not limited to: Verbal, mental, emotional, physical and financial.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oops...I wanted to add that you are t he one who has to think what your limits are and what you are willing to live with. Setting boundaries with somebody who has borderline is very important. I'm going to recommend you read a book called "Walking on Eggshells." Maybe it won't change your daughter...nobody can except herself...but you can change your reaction to her. Maybe it will help you live with her, if that is your choice. Keep posting. It helps!!!

  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is an old thread. Just figured that out.
  12. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    No, she replied today quoting my post
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, ok. Sorry :)
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Just echoing what the others have said. Wise words, great ideas.
    Best of luck, Love for Horses. I feel for you.
  15. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    OMG! Your daughter sounds just like mine! I feel so sad for you I totally understand how you feel. Its so hard living with a child that you love, treating you like that. I know because I lived like that for 12 years from the age of 12 to 24 my daughter behaved like that towards me. She was always highly strung as a child, and over indulged by her Dad who left us for his secretary when my daughter was 12 years of age. My daughter then hated me with a vengeance. She swore at me, screeched in my face, slammed doors, punched me and once even threw me through a glass table. At times I was scared and hated her behaviour. I found it hard to cope. Her father didn't bother with the kids for a long time. He never helped me with them, and got on with his new life. She missed him so much, and even when he admitted it was all his fault she still hated me. I had two other children, who were neglected as she took up so much of my time. She is now 28 and for the last 5 years has been good with me. Ever since she left home, we get on much better albeit on a superficial level. I love her so much, but am wary of her. I do anything for her, and at the drop of a hat it is always me who helps her, all emergencies are dealt with by me. Her Dad is still l not there for her. Yet she respects him more than me. I think she was suffering but always rejected any counselling help. She is now getting counselling and I was very happy about this, until her old ways reared up at me and she is now lashing out at me again. Its like she is 12 years old again, and I am devastated. I was a good mother who made mistakes, but I always put my children first. Yes i shouted back at times and got angry with sheer frustration when she was younger. But I too was suffering looking after 3 young children alone. I did my best, but it was never enough. Her negativity is so draining. She wants me to apologise, but what for? I hope your daughter gets the help sooner rather than later so that you two can have a better relationship. My daughter resisted any help, I wish i was stronger. I wish you all the luck and good wishes. Stay strong you need to look after yourself. Maybe you need some counselling too. OR mediation for the two of you. I wish I had the money, I would try to go to family mediation with my daughter.