I need help, please. RE: easy child 2

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, Aug 21, 2008.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    easy child 2 called tonight, BAWLING. She thought she was coming to our house this weekend and that she'd be going to the local rodeo with us (which is a big event here).
    ***
    This isn't her weekend to be here - last weekend was - but her mom wouldn't let her due to "make up" from our vacation. Her next weekend here is Labor Day weekend.
    ***
    We don't have anything special planned for Labor Day weekend, so I called her mom and offered to switch so easy child could go with us to the rodeo. And I got screamed at. Again. And obviously the answer was no, because they have plans without kids next weekend, so they couldn't switch. I said easy child was welcome to come both weekends, but I knew that would never fly, so...was there any way she could go with us one night? *&^%$(^%^% NO.
    ***
    Per the court order, the minimum easy child is supposed to be here is every Wed from 6pm-5pm Thursday and every other weekend - 6pm Friday thru 6pm Sunday - thru the school year. In our state, we have this "equal and loving access" law, too, so the court order is considered a minimum if the parents can't agree on something else. I recently spoke to an attorney, and he encouraged us to ask for easy child anytime we're doing something as a family, etc. He said that's "the way it should be" and the court would not look at it as being greedy with her.
    ***
    A year or so ago, easy child wanted to ride the bus to our house after school on Wednesday's. After much ado, mom finally agreed. And 6 or 8 times a year we'll go out of town for a weekend and ask to keep her overnight on Sunday. We are in the same school district and hindsite is 20/20, husband should have asked for a lot more time.
    ***
    Anyway, mom threatened to take away letting easy child ride the bus here on Wednesdays, vacation next year, and any Sunday overnights if we don't quit asking. (Keep in mind she gets home from work around 5:30 on Wed - IF she comes home...who's the target of THAT action?) She said easy child has been with us every year for the rodeo (which is nt true - we only had her last year for this rodeo). At this point, she said she needs easy child home to help her all this weekend beacuse they're having a birthday party for her 5 year old step son. I asked if it was maybe possible to spare easy child for 2 hours Friday night? Absolutey not. Then she said easy child is just gonna have to learn that she's gonna miss things - she can't do it all. I asked why. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do. She blew up again and reiterated the threats and said easy child just can't do everything she wants to do cause then she'll want to be with us every weekend cause we do something every weekend. I said sometimes it won't work, sometimes she will have to miss out, but why, what circumstance this weekend prevents her from spending most of her time with you and 2 hours with us to do soething she wants to do and something she would have done if you and husband hadn't split? Wow...big blow.
    ***
    I know we are pushing the line with her right now, but its what the lawyer told us to do. He said the goal of the parenting plan is to have the least impact on the child as possible, and parents should work together for the child. I feel like that's what we are trying to do, but I also feel like we're gonna lose what little ground we've made with this woman.
    ***
    Is what we're asking for too much? Should we back off? Its really eating at me...I know children survive a lot worse, but there's no sense in this. We already hide as many plans as we can from easy child so we don't hurt her, but should we really have to do that???
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2008
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Poor easy child - her mom is a selfish person who feels sorry for herself for missing out on a real family and taking it out on her daughter. "If I can't have a family, than neither can you!"

    I really think she is jealous of the family times your family has and allowing easy child to be part of it in her eyes is a reminder that she does not have that closeness with anyone. She can't stand it when easy child returns from your home with tales of good times and asking why they can't have the same. It's because mom wants her adult alone time - that doesn't leave family time.

    So unfair that people like this purposely deprive their children of special events. easy child is the one getting hurt and her injuries are growing fast.
     
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Shari

    I know you spoke to a lawyer. Is there a chance you're going to have to go to court to get more cooperation out of this woman? It does sound like you're dealing with a jealous ex. She's scared easy child might like it there more than her house. Immature, but there you are.

    Ya know, husband and I were doing this with his ex long before it was the Thing To Do. No jealousy on anyone's part. It made husband a bit uncomfortable at first, but even he got used to it. His ex and I used to talk on the phone for hours. Adjusting plans was never an issue, usually we could find a way to work it out. Our focus was on stepgfg and determination to make her feel equally a part of both families and loved.

    I'd take it to court if need be. There is no reason for easy child to be made to suffer because her mother is selfish and immature.

    Hugs
     
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Thanks. I just get to questioning myself in these sorts of things...and we have asked for a lot of changes lately, and I think they are for easy child, not us. BUt my doubt gets the best of me at times and I think maybe we are being too greedy...I dunno.

    Funny she's clinging so darn hard to this child. The other walked away at 12 or 13 and never came back, and she never fought it.
     
  5. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Yeah I would say that maybe it might be time for a modification of things. I would talk a little more in depth with the lawyer.

    Do you still need someone to send this woman a broom? I'd be happy to send one along too.

    beth
     
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I agree with Lisa...going back to court might be a good thing. You're documenting all of this, right? Too bad her mom is showing so much bitterness.
     
  7. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Does anyone know if this kind of junk will give us a snowballs chance in haites at getting some modification? In Mo, the "accepted" age for the child to have a say is 12. easy child 2 is 11, she'll be 12 in April...?

    If we have to ask for something specific, I guess we'd ask for something more like 50/50 visitation - Mondays and Wednesdays and every other weekends, and have those days include getting off the bus at our house and staying on Sunday nights. We'd also want to add a "right of first refusal" clause if she needs easy child to stay somewhere else (babysitter). Right now, she sends easy child to her ex-husband's house to keep her from coming here (we're friends with him). Not sure how you'd ever word "get along and don't be a witch" to it, but thats really what we'd like to see happen.

    Of course, we'd take custody of her if we thought we could make it happen...

    I am documenting. A lot of our communication has been thru emails.
     
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    What kind of vehicle does easy child's mom drive? A broom?
     
  9. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    I think I would back off on the requests, and let anything further come from husband himself - may look better in court with her denying the father that he wants more time rather than the requests for more time comming from the stepmother. Sounds like this is causing a lot of grief for easy child, who obviously wants to be with your family, and understandably so. You don't want her in the middle of a tug of war cause mom seems to be digging in her heels.

    I don't know for the life of me why there seems to be always problems when divorces occur over who gets the kids and when - why must there be a power struggle (am not meaning you).

    Marcie
     
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'd ask for custody, whether or not you think you'll win. You're all in the same district, she won't have to change schools, she's got her own space at your house...all the court can do is say no. Then have your back up plan, 50/50, maybe one week at your house, one week at mom's? My sister in law has this plan, I think their weeks start on Monday night, and L goes "home" to the other parent from school. This way, each parent has entire weekends with her, and can travel without always watching the clock.
     
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Ask for the 50/50. If you wait until after she is 12 the mom will use emotional blackmail to make her say she wants to be with mom.

    Ask for the 50/50 AND get the child support taken out. If you have her half the time no support should be paid.

    DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. If your phone will record phone calls, by all means - it will show what this woman is like to you, to your husband AND to HER CHILD.

    She is probably holding on due to some threat by her parents - "If you drive my grandkid away I won't pay for your life anymore" kinda thing.

    Even if you can't record calls, document every request you make, phone call you have, denial she makes AND that she feels you should give up time with the child to "make up" for taking her to things as a part of your family.

    Even if you don't plan on going to court to get a modification, start documenting things.

    You are dealing with a crazy person. Nothing she does will make sense. If you can get used to it, things will go easier on you.
     
  12. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I just went back thru our email exchanges for the past 5 years and our saddle clubs history info that shows rodeo dates.

    This woman screamed at me that we've traded weekends so easy child could attend this rodeo every single year.

    easy child has attended the rodeo with us twice - in 2005 and in 2007. Those were because our "regular" weekend fell on Labor Day weekend, which was her mom's holiday those years, so we got the weekend before instead, which happened to be the rodeo.

    2004 was our year to have her for Labor Day weekend and we offered to give it up because her mom had a 16th birthday party for her half-sister at their lot at the lake and she wanted to go to that. And mom didn't ask, we offered that one. I think we took easy child the weekend after, tho, instead of rodeo weekend that year, in exchange. Haven't found that email yet, but its out here.

    Oop, yup...there it is. We got her the weekend after Labor day that year...
     
  13. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    She wont' talk to husband. I offered on Aug 3rd when I talked to her about tutoring and she told me to butt out. Said I'd be glad to, but husband would be over to talk to her, and she said she won't talk to him.

    I ended up in this posuition in the courthouse during one of their modifications when husband and I were engaged. She screamed at him in the courthouse, in front of the lawyers and everyone, and for some reason that still baffles me, I confronted her and talked to her for 2 HOURS and worked out visitation, child support, etc by going back and forth between them. Anytime I try to step back and husband steps in, she has ut easy child in the pawn position even more, which I why I keep doing this.

    So if I step out, we will be hiring a professional mediator. She said 2 weeks ago she wont' talk to him... The lawyer didn't think me being the go-between was a negative...do you guys think otherwise?

    Since she's broke right now cause she's not working, maybe that's the thing to do...
     
  14. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Don't know if it's a negative, but it puts you in the middle, which is a very uncomfortable place to be. And it gives mom the opportunity to dis you in regards to easy child...shari said this, shari said that, and then easy child feels worse, and mom can do a bit more brainwashing.
     
  15. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Partly the reason I lean to email. I send most of them in front of easy child (we ask her if she wants to try to switch weekends or whatever, and I send the email right then, with her there with me), and I try to stay off the phone (or had been).

    So far, she sees thru mom. More so than she used to.

    Will try to talk to the lawyer tomorrow.

    PS - I want to point out, also, that easy child's mom doesn't ask to get her back early or anything like that too much, but it has happened that she'll want easy child back to her house early on Sunday or need her for a few hours on Saturday or whatever. The only time we ever said no was a Wed night before easy child started riding the bus to our house - she wanted to take easy child bike riding, and we had plans to meet 3 sets of grandparents for dinner that night. Other than that, we have always obliged. Usually we are even the ones to transport easy child to and from such events. AND we have NEVER asked for that time back. Our hope was to set an example...same with giving up labor day weekend back in '04...so much for that idea.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2008
  16. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    I can tell you that the rules for a modification of custody are pretty stringent. However modifying other things can be a bit easier. I have been through a modification process. My ex thought because he was getting married he would get easy child because I had hit a depression (my dad,brother and grandma had died, I had lost a job, and my second husband had left). If you have all the documentation and such for did you say five years you have a bonus at your back.

    Your lawyer should be able to help. I would also recommend that phone recording. I did this for a long time. Not hard to do. If you have a Radio Shack they sell everything that you need. It bites to go through this. I know that you don't want easy child to have to go through any more than necessary but keep in mind that if she is with you guys more she will be in a more stable environment more and that does benefit her greatly. Sometimes the hurdles to get there are hard but it can be worthwhile.

    I can tell you more about how my mod worked if you want to know but would prefer not to do so in this area. PM me if you want more info. I can tell you what we went through and only that.

    beth
     
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Shari,

    There is a LOT to be said for having easy child spend the bulk of her time at the home of the most stable parent (your home). It really does benefit the child. I can tell in less than 30 seconds which parent my niece is with for that week.

    I tihnk going back through all your documentations as to this "making up" time concept, all the screaming on the phone, refusing to talk to your husband, any badmouthing of a parent that you know of, etc....

    Then talk to your lawyer to get his opinion. Be SURE to include fees for tutoring, doctor appts/medications, extra curricular activities, etc... that you have paid for - esp if the agreement was for her to do an activitiy, y'all paid, and then mom pulled her out.

    Around here the judges REALLY frown on 1 parent keeping a child out of an activity, esp if it was agreed on. If mom won't let her be in activities and you will, around here you would have a really big leg up in any custody agreements. It wasn't an issue in my bro's divorce, but a friend who is a lawyer says it can be the deciding factor. so if you signed her up for sports and mom wouldn't take her to practice - pull out any info you have on that. Emails or whatever are fine.

    LEt the lawyer and judge KNOW that you pushed for tutoring but mom kept refusing to let her go. Same for any activity.

    Good luck. I am sorry you are put in the middle all the time.
     
  18. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Shari,

    I would at least go for modified visitation. You have the documentation. You try to work things out with the mom and she just won't budge. That's going to look bad on her (besides all of the other things - like the tutoring - that is going to make her look bad). And if you get 50/50, child support should be thrown out, but there needs to be something in there about division of expenses - medical bills not covered by insurance (copays or anything else), school activities, school pictures, clothes, etc. You can get as specific as you think you need to. And it seems with this......ahem....woman.....you'll need to be very specific. Like you may need to have it in there that you will be allowed to order your own set of school pictures. Just one example of how specific I know some agreements are.

    Before recording any phone calls, make sure you know what the laws in your state allow. In Ohio, for example only one party has to be aware that the call is being recorded. So, if I'm on the phone with my ex and I know I'm recording (duh) then it's legal. If easy child is on the phone with his dad and easy child knows it's being recorded, it's legal. But, if easy child didn't know and his dad didn't know it would be illegal.

    Also, my divorce agreement with easy child's dad says something along the lines of....Neither parent shall speak disparagingly of the other parent in the child's presence. Ironically, it's easy child's dad that wanted that in there and he's the one that has spoken so poorly of me in front of easy child ALWAYS (and one time it was so bad that when easy child was 10, he called me from his dad's - 600 miles away - because he was so upset by what they were saying). Yet, he would always send ME copies of our divorce agreement with that portion highlighted. We all know what the saying is about one with a guilty conscience....
     
  19. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Luckily, the medical bills are covered. We are only responsible for half IF its an emergency OR IF she talks to us up front about it. That sounds cold, but she went after husband for more than 50% support based on being the custodial parent of 2 children, when, in fact, her older daughter hadn't lived with her in 2 or 3 years, at the time. He agreed to pay her inflated support, and nothing more. That said, she has a full wardrobe at our house and we pay for it. When we relied on mom to send clothes, if she didn't want easy child to be outside, she'd refuse to send a jacket. :censored2: like that. So we said to heck with that and bought her clothes to have here. Since she's here a week at a time thru the summer, she has to have a weeks worth of clothes, so she has basically a full wardrobe here. I have paid for all of her haircuts and doings for the past 18 months. Grandma trimmed it herself once, but mom hasn't done anything. Not even sure she's been to the dentist.

    Just yesterday I got an email about school pictures. This is only the 2nd year she has offered that.

    MO has this little "equal and loving access" clause that's similar to your "dont' talk bad" clause. And lets see...the first thing she yelled at me in front of easy child when i asked about tutoring was how husband treated her like crap and didn't care about easy child way back when, why should he now. And the first time I talked to her about easy child struggling in school, she yelled at easy child and told her if she didn't get her head out of her :censored2:, she'd be stupid like her dad.

    Course, me and easy child are the witnesses to this, so...
     
  20. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    You may have all of this going on now, but if she ends up losing full custody (and doing 50/50 visitation/custody) and ends up losing child support you can bet your bottom dollar she is going to nitpick the snot out of any and everything else.

    I'd be as specific as you can or it would just end up being more drama. Nip as much of it in the bud as you can. History has already shown how she operates.
     
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