I need Help.....PLEASE

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ChefPaula1965, Sep 11, 2009.

  1. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    Helo, this is Paula. I used to come to this site often. I have not been around in a long while.
    To make a looooong story brief: Andre was put in local jail, the judge saw he had potential so they sent him to an inpatient drug rehabilitation. Andre has a very long history of "running". He is a flight risk. Within less than a week a police officer came to question him on some things. Next thing they know, Andre was gone from the center!!!
    The judge told him that if he "messed this one up" he would be in deep trouble for a looooooooooooooooooooong time. None of Andre's councelors, or even a lawyer was with him when he was being asked all these quetions.... He had told me that he had done many "Really Bad Things". He apparently he got scared and ran away.
    --Why was a police officer allowed to come question him?
    --Why did he NOT have any representation?
    --Why did his counselor not come to this "interview".
    --If he is a know flight risk why he not watched more carefully.
    He was all go for the rehabilitation. He is sick (bi-polar) is it not their responsibility to keep him safe???
    Am I wrong in being very ANGRY at them??
  2. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

  3. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I'm not an expert but as long as he's not under arrest, I don't believe anyone HAS to be with him if the police are just asking questions. As for the counselors, that may have been a good idea from Andre's side and your side but the police may have looked at it as a possible interference or something. Or maybe they are looking to get him for something...who knows. But...legally, as long as he's not under arrest, no, they aren't required to talk to him with someone present.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm sorry...I read this earlier but don't know what to tell you. My son was investigated, lied to, and questioned by police without me or an attny there in spite of my son's request, and the investigator never returned a phone message from me prior to my son's arrest, but NONE of this counted in court. My son was 12 yo at the time.

    As far as how they are supposed to treat the kid once the kid is in their care and in one of their facilities, there's not a lot you can do unless they really harm your child and you can prove nefgligence on their part in court. If they outright abuse your child, of course you can call police and have it investigaated. But with what you are describing, I know of nothing you can do about it other than grit your teeth along with me and the others who have difficult children in the system.

    You can call and complain to supervisors but I wouldn't hold my breath that anything will be done.

    I'm sorry....trust me, I know it hoovers.
  5. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    Thank you so much for your responses and support. Andre is 19 now... He knows something... he has done or has been involved in crimes worse than what he is incarcerated for... he told me this whith no detail.. he is either running from police because of extra charges, or running from his x gang because he may have leaked info.. or they may have leaked info on him.. Right now I am VERY affraid for his safety and survival.. he has nothing but the clothes on his back!!
  6. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    Thank you... So, anyone can come into the rehab center to speak to a client of theirs? If Andre was not being arrested he may have been bullied by the oficer??
    do you think?? Andre was very much for the new arrangements and wanted to stay his 18 months and go on to a normal life. Something VERY scary had to have been said to him... And why after just a few days was he able to just walk out? Does the center have some responsibility for that... I am soooooooooooo Sad!
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I doubt if anyone will answer these questions for you except your son. No one here can answer them and your son is above 18yo. I'm sorry you're going thru this...maybe he will call you and fill you in but you're probably just going to have to let it go as Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) as anything the police did.
  8. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    Thank you K... you are probably right... it's just that my heart is in so much termoil!! I will never get the answers why.. I dont think he will be calling here at least for quite a while!
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think you could get more answers on the Parent Emeritus forum because so many of those parents have adult kids (and yours counts as a legal adult) who have been in legal trouble. I would try there. (((Hugs)))
  10. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Paula - I am so sorry you and Andre are going thru this right now.

    Unless you're his legal guardian, he's an adult now and police can question him, period. He would have to request a lawyer but I think (not sure) unless he's being arrested, he doesn't have the right to an atty??? He can refuse to answer questions, which I know is a lot to ask of anyone, much less a 19 year-old.

    Rehab, like all mental health treatment, is pretty much voluntary for "adults". I think it's pretty stupid that treatment cannot be forced because how can a severely mentally ill adult have capacity to recognize the benefit of treatment... but that's a rant for another day. ;)

    It sounds cold and hard but if I'm reading your post right, the judge gave him a chance and warned him not to mess it up. From that point on, it's up to Andre to comply and make it work.

    I do hope you hear from him soon. I know the cold terror of not knowing where your kid is or how he's surviving. Many hugs to you.
  11. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I don't know, I'm going to play the devil's advocate here. He is an adult and, while the judge placed him in rehab rather than jail, he is ultimately responsible for the decisions he made.

    I would guess that since he was not under arrest at that molment, he had the right to ask for an attorney (the question here would be was he aware of those rights) or to speak to police alone.

    I'm sure he was listening when the judge gave him 18 months in rehab over jail. By running, I think he's broken that agreement.

    Whether the center has some culpability in this matter is kinda grey. This wouldn't be your normal adult situations where the resident has the final say in whether they come or go. Were there safeguards put in place by the court to insure your son's participation in the program. If he was listed as a "runner" was the facility supposed to keep him under surveillance? If so, they may have some responsiblity.

    But, as much as it may be tough to hear, I think slsh is right. Andre is now responsible for this choice and will have to pay the price in regards to further legal issues.

    However, I would be as worried and upset as you were I in your place. The not knowing has to be torture.

    Have you been contacted by law enforcement concerning his whereabouts? Were there provisions in place if he didn't serve the 18 months?

  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hi paula. I had hoped that further bad things would not happen. Last I heard from you was a long time ago and Andre was on the run. You hadn't heard from him in over a month. I never knew he was found, but at least he was found.

    If Andre had representation at his first meeting with the judge, when he was sent to rehab, then he should have been able to have that atty with him for questioning. If it was a private atty you paid for then they might or might not have shown up.

    Sad to tell you this, but almost every gang member over 14 knows they do not have to talk to police if they are not under arrest. THey also know that they just have to say they want a lawyer and then say nothing else. Most gangs drill this in their minds over and over again. It is part of how the gangs have lasted so long and so few of them, vs how many are not incarcerated at any time, are not in prison in spite of all of the illegal things they do/help with.

    He may have been gung ho going in, but about day 4 the withdrawal gets even worse. And MANY run from rehab the first week. Often more run than stay. So he may not have run just because the officer came.

    I do not know the responsibility of the officer or the facility. I know that many "lock down" facilities will escort you to the door and not say anything to anyone else if you break the rules. Some will notify the police if you are court ordered, some don't. They don't have enough resources to waste them on someone who is breaking the rules, no matter what the court says.

    Then again, the officer may have said something then left him alone to see if he would run. You never know.

    I am sorry this happened again, with him running and leaving you to worry. Sadly, the courts will see it as him blowing his chance. He will have consequences, I am sure.

    Many hugs to you. I know this must be just awful. I had hoped things were much much better for you.

    Sorry I could not sound more hopeful.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This talking to the cops when you really dont have to is an area where most people make their biggest mistakes. What you really should do is tell them is "do you have anything to charge me with? Do I need a lawyer? If so, I want a lawyer or I want to leave. I have nothing else to tell you but my name." Now they may well hold you for 72 hours but if at the end of that time if they dont have anything that the DA can make stick, they have to let you go.
  15. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    :DWow you ladies (and gentlemen) are so wonderful. Thank you so much for all the words of encouragement and the hugs, trust me, they are much needed.
    I am pretty sure that you are right about saying that the responsibility is Andre's. He knows what the consequence for breaking this agreement is. Apparently the consequences of his running (in his own mind) are less important than what ever else he may encounter with the stronger gang activity!
    I don't know... This time though, I am allowing myself to cry.. to morn the loss of a beloved son. Everytime I think he has had some sense knocked into him and I see a light at the end of the tunnel.... He just goes and does something very stupid and gets in trouble again!! ... I was sooo loking forward to going to Fl to visit him on the 4th week end of this month... He was diagnosis oppositional defiant... but I think he may also be bi-polar.. My dad and my sister are both VERY VERY bi-polar.... The problem with Andre is that in his mind no rules apply to him.. and he rarely feels guilty for anything he has done...
    Thank you Thank you all!!! :sad-very::sad-very::sad-very::sad-very::sad-very::sad-very:
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sweetie, with all Andre has been on, medication wise, and feeling no guilt and no remorse, he is far past bipolar on the slippery slope. I have thought since the first time you were here that he might be a sociopath. Antisocial personality disorder is something you should research. Just remember it is a spectrum, not a hard and fast Hannibal Lector extreme.

    Many hugs.
  17. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    Good morning Susie,
    I believe you are right.. this has been in the back of my mind for a long time. I just did not want to get to the point that I admit he is a sociopath.
    I think you are also probably right about the gang teaching him not to say anything.. maybe he ran to warn them that the law now has very compelling information about their "work" and the gang itself. Andre had, at one time, told me that he wanted a completely new life... and that it felt good to be completly "clean".. he spent 4 months in jail waiting to go to the rehab program and sounded like he had really changed. Was he blowing smoke?? He has always been "tight" with my youngest easy child and wanted to see him badly.. When he got to the program and called me, he sounded delighted that we would make a trip to FL from AL and that I would bring the two easy child!!! He really sounded excited...
    Does the pain ever end????
    I am so affraid for him this time since, while in Jail he told me that if he had not been caught by the police, that within weeks we would have found him dead of an overdose... I worry that this is his "last trip" and that now my greatest fears will be met............ I am so sad... so sad... I long to hug him and hold him!! I miss him....