I Need my friends and input

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DammitJanet, Dec 4, 2011.

  1. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont know if I am losing my mind or if my whole family is losing their minds or if my whole life is just falling apart in front of my eyes basically in short loud bursts.

    Most everything is blamed on me as if I am making way too much out of simple situations and if I only answered the precise question asked, then the increased volume discussion would not need to be had.

    Let me give you an example of several things from my past week.

    I asked Tony for his lighter during the night Thursday night because mine died. Friday he came home and accused me of stealing it from me. I had got up from the bed, brought his pants to him and he had given me the bill money to pay the cell phone bill plus the lighter. He didnt remember any of it. He yelled at me and accused me of getting both of them or letting Cory go into his pants. Cory and I both told him we didnt.

    Thursday I cooked a deer neck. Tony told me to boil it for a long time and I asked him what time I should start since I had never attempted one of these before. He said 2 should be good. I put it on at 2. It was still not tender at 7 when he got home. He said there was no way I could have put this thing on at 2, not and actually let it boil. Well I had it simmering at a low boil. When it actually hard boiled it was splashing all over the stove. I actually had to get him to go ask Billy what time I put it on without me being able to see him before he would believe I started it at 2!

    Friday I went shopping. I was tired. I called him and told him I was so tired and asked him if he would bring home some take out because I was so tired. He acted put out because "he was the one who really works and knows what tired is in this family".

    Yesterday we went to get his new phone and he finally figured out that I put Cory's phone on my plan. He is ticked. I dont know why this is a surprise. I have been telling him this for the last two months. I talked about it with him before I ever even mentioned it to Cory. I would have never considered it without him okaying it. Why does he now say he didnt know about it and say I cater to "the boy". Thats another thing...he is smoldering under the surface about Cory too. Me and Cory are one and the same to him. I think he hates us.

    Today Billy and I had to take his phone back to the store because it wasnt working right. He of course was off somewhere playing deer hunter man even though it was sunday and you cant hunt on Sunday. He has to go do something for the hunting anyway. You always have to do something for the stupid hunting.

    So Billy and I go and return the phone and get a new one, we come home and he is now home and Cory, Mandy and baby are here. They are all chatting and Tony is getting dinner ready which is deer ribs and I go to the bedroom to start getting his phone charged and ready. I need to do this for him. Well jump to this evening when everyone is gone. He goes to plug the phone is and he looks for the charger that he used to plug in his OLD phone. Its gone. I imagine that Cory took it with him. It works for all these phones...both the new ones and Tony's old phone. Cory just didnt realize his new phone charger was up in the cabinet. Well, Tony had a conniption fit! Where was that flat old charger? Why is this thin old charger plugged in with that Nokia end on it? Yada yada. He got louder and louder. Well that thin Nokia charger had been plugged in for months. I had been plugging in things around it all the time when I kept taking his charger plug out to plug in my can opener so I noticed it. I just didnt know what it went to so I didnt unplug it. So he went on this shouting match for about 20 minutes about where the charger was until both Billy and finally admitted we didnt know. Then he went Aha! I just wanted to get someone to admit they didnt know where it went so we know the thief took it! I said Tony, Cory only took a charger for his phone. He left HIS charger here! We all still have chargers! Does it matter which charger he took? The one he took was a replacement charger for your old phone! No...I wanted the OLD charger. He should have asked for his new one. HUH? Shaking head.

    Then he comes to bed. Argument is still going on to some extent. When he comes to bed I asked him if he had asked Billy to put the screen protector on his phone. No. Now this is something I had been telling him to do since approximately 7 pm so he has had time and he came to bed at 10. Billy was willing and waiting on him. Tony starts gritching at me and slammed out the bedroom door and I yelled after him that fine, if it was too much trouble he can leave the damn thing here or I will take it back and he can just keep his old POS phone that has the broken hinge and hangs up on everyone and cant play any games. No skin off my teeth. So then he comes in, gets in bed and starts trying to watch Food Network with me but he was making fun of the food. I just gritted my teeth. When he said to me , what, I cant get a response, I said no...I know sarcasm when I hear it. He said I cant even play with you...you are no fun anymore. I am always wrong, you are always right.

    He turns everything completely around to make things about him when it is him being the aggressor but he wont see it. Billy can see it, Cory can see it, and I think Sam his boss has seen a change in his demeanor. Sam has told me that he has seen a change in him ever since the stroke 4 years ago and I do think that is when this stuff started. His whole personality did take a dramatic change then and not for the better. He is much shorter with all of this. I actually tossed my computer into a basket of laundry and got up and went in the bathroom to cry. He rants on and on about how I should just not talk to him because he is obviously just not right about anything. I then said look, it isnt me telling you that you arent right, you are attacking my every word. I cant say anything but what you jump down my throat. I want you out of my room. Its mine. My sanctuary. The only place I actually have in the world and I bought the damn house. I told him to get the hell out of my room but of course he didnt go. Says its his room too. I cant move anything at night. I think I will see about having Billy move my dvr player during the next day he has off which will allow me to move into the guest room. I would move into the living room but I dont have a twin bed.

    I will be honest. I dont know if I love him anymore or even if I ever did. I know I got together with him all those years ago because I ended up pregnant first with the baby we lost and then because I didnt want to go back with my mom and then we got pregnant with Jamie right away and I didnt want to raise the boys on my own and then came Cory by the time we were 24. There was no way I could do 3 kids alone so I just figured I would stick him until the boys were grown. When they were grown, I ended up sick plus my mom was sick. I needed help. I have no idea how he feels about me. He sure hasnt treated me much like love is the most important thing. we dont share any of the same interests at all. He doesnt act like he much cares. He would rather spend time with his friends. I wonder if we have just outgrown each other and are just staying together because it seems to hard to part. And it will be hard to part. My double wide is on his land. He would have to buy me out because there is no way I can move this thing. I wouldnt want to. However he could get really nasty and try to force my hand make me which would cause me to sell it at a huge loss to some mobile home scrapper. It is in such bad shape that I probably would barely get anything out of it. Of course that leaves him with no where to live too. My theory would be to cut my place in half literally and we each have one half to live in. It wouldnt be hard to put a kitchen in my walk in closet because it backs to my bathroom.

    I dont know. I think I shouldnt make any decisions right now because I am so emotional this year because of everything this year that has gone on because of losing my dad and then all this stuff with Keyana. Also losing my therapist so I cant even process any of it with anyone isnt good at all. Being told to just suck it up isnt the answer I need. Not one person in my house even asked me if I was okay on Friday. No one. Not even when I texted Jamie to remind him to call my step-mom 3 days in advance. I would have thought he might think about calling me too.

    I dont know what I expect from you guys except a listening ear. I really dont have anyone else to talk to anymore.
  2. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Very very dear Janet,

    I hear you, and I feel for you. First of all, as you well know, you can always always talk to all of us as much as you want, and we will listen and reply, without interrrupting and without criticizing.

    I don't know if this will help or not, but since I have been married for soooo long (44 years), I'll share this with you: Over the years there have been periods of time when life together with my husband seemed just unbearable, and I very very seriously considered separating and making a life for myself without him. I've often thought that if it weren't for the physical side of things, I would be happy to have a permanent relationship with a woman, to share my life with a woman, because men are just a different race. They just don't understand things that seem elementary to us, and it can drive you crazy.

    The truth is that because we have so many children and then grandchildren, and because it would have taken so much strength to get up and leave and sort it all out, I let it ride each time and in the end "it" passed, I don't know why. Maybe just because I had been depressed and something inside me got stronger, or I don't know why I began each time to see things in a different proportion.

    What I'm getting at is: today, things are so very much calmer. difficult child is in Australia (has been there 9 months already), and our home is calm, no one else lives here but some of the kids pop in and out, and also grandkids sometimes but not too often because I work at home as well as outside the home. My husband has learned more or less to leave me alone and not nag me about stuff, although sometimes I still have a lot of anger inside me and he can still drive me crazy. But I think all in all, I am happy not to grow old alone, and I'm not sorry that I didn't leave when I felt that was the only way to improve my life.

    I don't know if this has helped you or not. I just hope you manage to find some peace of mind, and that your husband manages to pull himself together. It sounds to me as if he is going through some kind of crisis too.

    Stay strong. You are not alone. We love you.

    Love, Esther
  3. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Sounds like Tony is having issues. Not uncommon during the holiday season, but he sounds stressed out, like really stressed out. I'm guessing it would have to do with work and money, because you know men, they don't like to feel like they can't provide, blah blah blah, and won't discuss it. Then they turn around and express that worry as anger.
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Sweet Janet, I am not and have never been married, so I wont pretend to know how to work that out. I have been in relationships that didn't work out though. what is important to me here is that you are suffering. You posted about this a little while ago. All I have for you is love and support and rambly thoughts so if any of it makes sense, fine if not just delete it from your thoughts.

    It does seem that something is going on with Tony. Yes, you may be seeing things thru depression eyes, that doesn't make it wrong it may just make it harder to be objective about the fact that you are not the problem here, and probably about how you feel or they feel about you. What kind of stroke did Tony have? Is there a specific area of damage? Just curious.

    It seems like whatever is going on with Tony he is very irritable and all of his thoughts and interactions are being affected by this. I am wondering if he did have a personality change from the stroke and if he truly does have a short term memory problem which can really complicate things. In his mind he would truly think you are goofing up then. It is just a question, and the other question is if he had one stroke, could he have had any other issues going on since? Including early dimentia or alzheimers? These kinds of behaviors often happen, making a person just seem mean and rude to their partners and families. If this is permeating into work then i would wonder? Hard thing is to get them to go to a neuro or psychiatrist who specializes in these problems. It is important to know before you fully decide what to do with your life, because he could be sick. Of course he could have old fashioned depression too. And lastly, as you said, you could just have grown apart.

    That said,no matter the reason, you are being dismissed and hurt by him and no one deserves this. This may not work at all, but if he makes a request, can you for now write it down and have him initial it, have him confirm that it is right. Tell him about this plan during a quiet/non fighting time. Tell him YOU are worried about your memory and you want to make things better so you are writing things down to help make sure you keep things straight. Just an idea...dont do it sarcastically or angered. But if he then goes on to complain you goofed up, you can say let me check, and then you have your answer....

    If it continues that way, that he doesn't remember, then you can have a little intervention with the evidence you have gathered... with the kids to let him know you are concerned and you just want him to be ok.

    If he wont cooperate, you have some big decisions. You do not deserve to live like this. Even if you made a thousand mistakes, your partner is supposed to be your biggest cheerleader. Supposed to build you up when you are down. Supposed to forgive you when you make a mistake. You have talked with such love for you family but that is being covered up right now by hurt and wearing you down. Holidays often bring up sadness and you have had some big hurts do deal with in the grief department. Not only that, your boys are boys, and they really did not get how important this was to you, and now of course you feel slighted, anyone would. I agree, sometimes a girlfriend is better in this department. Really dont have to explain so much about the feelings etc.

    I'm glad you felt like you could say this. I suspected something was going on because your posts have been fewer and I was worried so had started in my mind to compose a pm to you. I still probably will , smile. Be kind to yourself, you dont have to make any big decisions TODAY so start processing here, see if you can find another therapist (that stinks) and do something you love to do. Just for you. How is your pain lately? Is there anywhere with a warm water pool? sometimes senior living places have them and will allow outsiders to swim. It could be a way to help ease your pain and build your happy chemicals....smile.

    All the love energy I can send you is being pumped your way! love, Dee

    Is there another bedroom in the house? My grandparents loved eachother dearly because they had separate bedrooms. For some that is an awful decision, for others it really helps give space.
  5. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Janet it sounds like Tony is super stressed, and is taking all of his stress and frustration out on you. Could it be because he knows you are a "safe" person to vent yell and be generally grouchy to? I know that I sometimes pick a fight with my husband because I know he will love me no matter what. Not that his behavior is OK. It isn't, just a possible reason for it. I agree with Buddy. Sometimes just taking a little timeout by sleeping somewhere else helps. I'm sorry you are going through this right now. ((HUGS))
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I don't have expereince with a long erm (years and years) relationship either but I've heard there are milestones that tend to be very trying times- I think they are 1 year, 10 years, etc, but can't remember for sure.

    Anyway, it sounds to me that both you and T are stressed and maybe have gotten to the point where you're wwalking around on eggshells, which only makes it worse. If you both could have some time alone and get to the bottom of it, it might get everything out in the open and you could really work on the problem once you both identify it. That's a good theory but might not be helpful in reality, I know. I'd be tempted to wait until he has a day off work, is reasted and his belly is full, and no one is over at the house and he's not getting ready to go somewhere or watch tv, then asked "what's eating at you, really?"

    I wonder if he's really just stressing about job/money. Maybe he feels an incrrease in financial expectations but is still worried about the economy and staying employed. That could do it for a man.

    Sorry I don't have an answer- but wanted to give you support. ((HUGS))
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Janet, sweetheart...

    I do understand, in a way (not entirely of course). And it does sound like Tony's really stressed out. If his boss is noticing it, then it's not a figment of your imagination. I do like the idea of writing things down; it will help you BOTH (though my husband abhors lists, he loves it when I use them for me... Go figure), and then there it is in black and white - and if he doesn't look at the list and doesn't remember, his problem.

    That doesn't address the way you're being treated. And for that, you may need outside help. If he is resistant... Go yourself, a few sessions in you can tell him the therapist wants to talk to him too to get a complete picture. It may not work, but it's a possibility (my XH went once, and after told me he only went to shut me up and he was going to the bar... I was making real plans to leave by that night... Totally different situation - I'd already almost decided to go anyway.)

    And... Vent, complain away. 's what we are here for! :hugs:
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    PS. My parents have been married 43 1/2 years and about 10 years ago Mom was "this close" to leaving Dad. I don't know all the details, but I do know that with counseling, they're stronger now...
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Aw janet.... big hugs. I have been married 26 years and I agree there are ebbs and flows in any marriages... in fact I heard a study recently that most women in long term marriages often think about leaving and being on their own even though they are happily married.

    However from what you describe I am concerned about Tony.... that there may be some physical stuff going on with him that he is not totally aware of that is making him more stressed and is affecting his short term memory. I know when I am stressed I tend to overreact to things and lucky for me I am married to a pretty patient and understanding guy.

    Would you in a calm moment be able to sit down with Tony and tell him you are concerned, that he has been lashing out at you and you are concerned and think it would be a good idea to check in with his doctor? I know men often don't want to see docs and he might not like that but I do think he needs a check up.

    Years ago my mom told me a story... she had a good friend she played bridge with. This friend was getting very short and snappy with her friends and all the bridge ladies were getting fed up with her. My mom, good friend that she was, called her friend up and told her needed to go and get a full check up and if they didn't find anything she needed to to a psychiatrist, that something was wrong!!! We are talking about a much older generation than us here. Took my mom guts to do that I think. Well her friend took her advice and it turned out she had the beginnings of early glaucoma. She was slowly losing her eyesight and didn't know it and it was making her very short tempered. She got drops etc. and her mood improved... and of course she was very thankful to my mom for speaking so directly.

    So physical problems can come out in short fuses and it does sound like this might be happening with Tony. Also the fact that he had a stroke.... there may be other things going on.

    Hugs... this is tough stuff on top fo everything else you are dealing with.

  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Yep..."ebbs and flows" pretty much says it all. As I see marriage survival it is in recognizing that neither the husband nor the wife and the same people as time goes by. Most of us start off with excitement, dreams and lust. Then we move on to focusing on parenting which absorbs us. Often there are employment changes...and then most of us have to cope with unexpected stress, health concerns and acceptance of the fact that our past life is history. Worse yet comes the time when you have to accept that the future is not going to be what you anticipated.

    You've mentioned before that Tony has a hard time keeping up with his work demands and has recognized that he is no longer a young guy. Neither of you anticipated the continued dominance of the children (yeah, I get that completely!) nor the fading of future dreams. It's a bummer. He's evidently feeling needy and yet the nees of the family keep him from feeling like #1. Even the stress of Christmas may be playing a factor. I'm sorry I don't have any answers but I do think he needs reenforcement of his importance.

    When the dust settles why not have a one on one asking why he is upset and what you can do to help him feel better? His answers may surprise you. Many understanding hugs. DDD
  11. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    If Tony is having trouble keeping up with his work, this could cause a lot of stress for him. For most men, their whole identity and self-worth is tied up in their jobs. To think that they might not be able to do the job is devastating to them.

    I was at a retirement party for husband's boss a few days ago. He was saying that he wasn't sure how he was going to fill the huge void that not going to work was going to leave. .....Women have so many different roles that there is always something to fill us up. Not so for a man. It can be really scary. And with the economy the way it is, looking for a new line of work would scare the you-know-what out of me!

    Hopefully things will get better soon.
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    You could be talking about my husband. Seriously. Now the man could be plenty crabby when he wanted to before his TIA (small stroke) or stressed or tired or whatever......but it was not all the time.

    Post TIA I started seeing changes. I'll admit that at first I didn't really believe he had a TIA at the time. (he'd had one much much younger and didn't tell the neuro so I thought it highly possible they were seeing the damage from that on the MRI) But as months passed I started noticing a change in his personality. The occasional crabby turned into grumpy, he had less patience. And it just got worse from there. Why it got worse (because the damage should not have continued or gotten worse) I dunno. I just know as the years passed grumpy turned into grouch into surly with a touch of paranoia where Travis was concerned. (the boy could do little right and caught the blame for everything) I think the touch of paranoia was due to memory issues he was having. His patience kept getting worse too and people irritated him more and more.

    It had been a few years after the TIA when he had the shoulder surgery that the doctor gave him trazadone to help him sleep.......and I saw a sudden drastic change of husband back into the person he used to be pre stroke. And I dug in my heels and would NOT let them take him off of it. Well then we lost insurance 2 yrs ago when he lost his job and I had surly with a touch of paranoia to contend with again.......omg it was hard to live with him at all some days.

    Our arguments were eerily similar to the ones you're having with Tony. There were times I had to talk him through like........now why on earth would Travis take such and such when he doesn't even USE or LIKE such and such, seriously the kid did not take it. husband would eat up all his cheese and swear all day that Travis had done it. Or the milk. Or the bread. Um.....Travis is lactose intolerant, I knew he wasn't doing it as he'd never get out of our 1 bathroom. And it was almost always stupid unimportant things too.

    I'll tell you what. It got so bad we'd be nose to nose. I never let it go to name calling or disrespect, but I got so fed up with it that I'd be nose to nose with him at least half the time. Our kids were concerned. They grew up in a household where "fighting" or "arguing" consisted of a discussion done calmly and usually in private, and it was rare. Not raised voices and in your face pretty much every day.

    I had decided for him when his retirement came he was being dragged to my fam doctor for his medications and to get that darn trazadone back! I didn't care what the cost was.

    Of course then he had the heart attack..........

    After the heart attack.........I'm going to tell you right now the first thing I said to easy child was that husband was "not himself". I said it everyday he was in the cardiac ICU. I said it non stop when he came home. While still in the hospital we thought perhaps it was because him needing 4 liters of O2 and higher at times obviously his O2 blood levels were very low. (this can cause people to act really mean and nasty by the way or sleepy or dingy, depends on the person) But once he was weaned off the O2 it didn't improve. At home it was worse. I remember posting about how he literally drove me out to the front porch to smoke so I wouldn't say something I'd regret. I thought he was surly and a tad paranoid before the heart attack.........I'd have to multiply that by about 50 for after. I talked with easy child a lot over it. We thought it was the stages of death (same as the stages of grief), being scared, not feeling well.......all sorts of things.

    I still don't know for a fact of what it was. But I *think* it was related to circulation, blood O2, combined with probably blood pressure thrown in. I had noticed (in hindsight) that his surly and paranoia had gotten horrific in the weeks prior to the massive heart attack.

    easy child and I had diagnosed husband with congestive heart failure 2 yrs ago.......hard to miss, he had all the signs, as well as PAD (peripheral artery disease). He refused to listen to us.

    But I think he was probably having blood oxygen saturation issues long before the actual heart attack. I know his blood pressure was really dangerously high. (and I did try to get him to go to the doctor for it but he refused to see mine)

    After the heart attack.......well of course there was massive damage to the heart so of course his circulation svcked and at home his O2 saturation probably dropped but I watched for any sign of it being seriously low (blueish tinge to lips, fingers, toes ect) and never saw any. But you can have it be low enough to affect behavior without those signs. And I've had nearly 3 months in which to think of why he passed in his sleep that morning. His facial expression indicated no pain. I'm guessing that his blood O2 sat dropped dramatically as he slept causing his heart to finally just stop. easy child agrees. It makes sense with him being so blue from the neck up when I found him which was shortly after he passed.

    Now for what he had.......honestly, it was the best way for him to go.

    But I'm thinking it would be a good idea to get Tony into the family doctor for a really darn good physcial. One for blood pressure, to get his O2 sat checked.....heart checked out good ect. Because these things make you feel crappy but yet you can't quite figure out why you feel so crappy so you wind up grumpy and grouchy ect. Wouldn't hurt to have him checked out even if that is not the cause. (and I'm really hoping it's not) But he's already had one stroke.......it doesn't have to be a stroke next time. Know what I mean??

    Tell Tony I said he needs that physical asap.

    As Esther said..........I'm glad I didn't leave husband over this crud. And you know I was tempted to do just that many a time when it got to be just too much.

  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont think I have a snowballs chance of getting a new therapist to be honest. I have to get either a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) or an actual psychologist to take me on and for some reason my area is full of LPC's but no Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)'s. I had a great LPC who I had to leave because Medicare wont cover. Stupid really because Medicaid does! And I have Medicaid but Medicaid wont cover her if Medicare wont...stupid insurance koi. She has been trying to find me a new therapist since I left her. I did see one guy for a few weeks but I didnt click with him. He just didnt want to get to any issues even when I attempted to steer him to them. I couldnt see spending a whole year going to him to sit and chat about the weather, american idol, time warner cable, things like that.

    I do wonder about the stroke. It happened in the ocular nerve area and the doctors said it shouldnt effect anything else. We did notice a pretty significant difference in the first couple of weeks but then it seemed to level out somewhat and he went back to almost normal. Just maybe 20% different than he was. Enough that his boss still noticed. And his boss has been his best friend for probably the last 15 years so they are really close. A normal boss probably wouldnt notice. These two are together almost everyday except Sunday's and sometimes even then. I think Tony likes him better than me but he has been upset with his boss in the past several weeks too over something to do with the hunting and I have no idea who is in the right. It could be either of them.

    This is hard to admit but probably part of our problem is the fact that we arent intimate anymore. At all. Its not worth the effort anymore. He does sleep out on the couch sometimes but only when he decides to. He has awful restless leg syndrome and it keeps me awake all night long. I dont think it does him a bit of good sleeping either because he tosses and turns all night. I basically cant go to sleep until he leaves for work in the morning no matter how tired I am unless I fall asleep before he starts flopping around. Because of how upset I was last night I was up till 6 this morning.

    I cant get him to a doctor because he doesnt have insurance and most doctors wont take him without it. He refuses to go to the er. Now I did just find out that Walmart has a minute clinic in it so maybe they could see him if he would go but I dont know if they would do more simple cold and flu things.
  14. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Walmart might not do too much, but I guarantee they would send him to a doctor... Worth a try!
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    He also could've had another stroke too, a subtle one. Often TIAs are missed. And restless leg syndrome can be an indicator of poor circulation (as well as other things).

    husband also had restless leg and did the flopping thing. omg That drove me nuts, it's the reason I often went to bed at 3 and 4am. I either had to be utterly exhausted or he had to be past that stage for me to sleep. If he got up to pee........I had to wait longer for him to get past it again.

    I understand about the insurance. been there done that got the tee shirt. Do you have a home blood pressure devise? You could check him when he's especially a PITA and see if it's really high.....which is grounds enough for that trip to the ER and they can do the other tests as several would be automatic anyway.
  16. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Janet, this just occurred to me when Lisa mentioned "checking"... One of my BFFs has a serious problem with blood sugar - the higher it is, the more of a butt he is. There have been times his wife would call me out of desperation to talk him into checking his sugar. Is this a possibility at all?
  17. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Janet, I'm of the same age group with Esther and DDD and what both of them said is so true. Given that, you are much younger and if you are that unhappy maybe you should consider seperate living arrangements. Over the 38 years husband and I have been married I have come to realize there are times when we just don't seem to be communicating, but in the end I can imagine no other person I would rather grow old with. If I didn't feel that way I think I would rather be alone.

    At any rate I want to send you support and hugs and let you know that we love you and want you to be happy. If we could wish it that way you know we would.

  18. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    OK, let's see- he's stressed over several things, can't sleep well at night due to restless leg syndrome, has some issue with his boss/friend right now (and that's probably over something stupid because he'd tell you otherwise but still, it's eating at him- we've all been there, right?), and now he and you are quarrelling. Sex 'ain't happeneing like that' for most people over the age of 35. You know, I had a gut feeling last week that you 2 need some time alone to 'reconnect'. Now how to make that happen, with the logistics involved with holidays and his work, and with his grumpiness lately, I don't know. Maybe space apart then trying to find time to go out to dinner alone or something would help.

    I'm not ignoring your side of this either- you have health issues, can't sleep either, and are feeling unappreciated and unloved at the time. I don't see him taking initiative to improve things so I'm focusing on ideas that maybe you could try to get him to engage in something more beneficial to the relationship.

    You've mentioned that you don't feel like he even likes you lately- it sounds to me like he doesn't like ANYONE lately! And you know what that means- he's unhappy with himself and probably everyone is getting on his nerves, but it's not necessarily anyone else's fault.

    Now, if you get to a point where you just want to live separately for a while, you have my full support.

    Those are my 2 cents, having never been there and all. LOL!
  19. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    {hugs} -posting from my (not so smart) phone-so may be goofy or autospell may run amok . But you've been so good to me-I really want to return the kindness.

    DDD & Lisa had good advice. My first thought when reading the op was mini stroke. Also-my dad had many of the same issues as Lisa's h after his heart surgery/congestive heart failure. Greatly compounded by sleep apnea which raised his CO levels. Lo Oxygen + hi CO =t he mean crazies. been there done that tee shirt etc.

    You all have a mighty full plate. Remember the recent thread about how parenting difficult children changes our own personalities? Lots of us admitted we unfairly take it out on our partners because it's a safe outlet. Could you be taking too much out on T? (No one would blame u- I've been there done that.) Conversely, maybe he is taking it out on you?

    How did Tgiving work out? I remember you had some friction there regarding his family. Could this be residual angst?

    Honestly, I think you both need a break from everyone else's crisises so you can sort this out. At home date/movie night once a week?
  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What really worries me though is he will think completely that this is all Cory's fault in some distorted view of his life. Everything that goes on in our lives comes back to Cory. And nothing Cory can do is ever good enough. If Tony cant find anything...Cory took it. Even if he finds it later, Cory must have moved it. Even if Cory hasnt been here. I just must not have noticed he was here...after all, I dont pay attention to a damned thing that goes on in the house if it doesnt happen in my bedroom or on the computer! Tony will pull back up things Cory has done years ago and still obsess over them. Blah! I could obsess over things he has done too but I dont. I could bring up his shortcomings to him and things he doesnt do well but I dont. I try to build him up and tell him all the things I think he does well. There was a show that came on HGTV about Handymen and I told him I thought he should go on it because I thought he could win it. I tried to get him to watch a few episodes with me and he watched a few minutes of one or two...not full episodes...but when I told him I thought he should go on, he got mad at me. He said I was stupid and he couldnt waste his time like that. I said but I was complimenting him because I thought he was such a great construction worker and he could do things so much better than all those people did it. Why was he thinking I was being mean? Didnt make any sense to me. And I really meant it too.

    I think he is furious at me for being disabled...and a bit jealous. When I have days that I cant get up and do things he is so mad that I havent done anything but washed the dishes and heated up leftovers. He comes home and gets mad at me over any little thing he can find. I do understand he is working and I make sure that I rub his back with cream to help his back muscles for him. I dont know what else I can do. I cant work..believe me I would rather still have my job. I loved it. I would rather be the one working.

    I cant get him to help getting rid of the old junk around here. I managed to get rid of one huge piece of junk the other day and I thought he was gonna have a fit. I put an add on freecycle to come get the broken dryer...someone came and got it. He couldnt believe anyone would...lol. Now I am gonna work my way through everything else. He says I have to okay the stuff through him. Yeah whatever. I have a junk guitar case he picked up on the side of the road and we dont even have guitars! It fits a very specific type of guitar so I have no clue if anyone will want it. His idea is to burn it but we have had it sitting in the living room for the last 6 years. I dont see him burning it anytime soon. Im gonna freecycle it.