I need strength

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jungleland, May 12, 2009.

  1. Jungleland

    Jungleland Welcome to my jungle!

    to deal with difficult child for another second! :whiteflag:

    A few weeks ago, as an incentive for difficult child to improve behavior at school, it was decided by difficult child, teacher, principal and myself that if difficult child could make 40 points a day (1/2 of possible points) she would be allowed to participate in Special Olympics today. She has attended SO for the last 4 years.

    This is VERY important to her, she loves it. But, I guess not as much as not going along with the program at school.

    On an average, she has earned only 9-12 points a day, out of a possible 80 points! This is based on being prepared (pencil, papers, school work organized), staying on task, raising hand when needing help, being respectful, not arguing, etc.

    So, teacher called me yesterday to discuss difficult child going to SO today. She was pretty adamant that we follow through with the agreement we all, difficult child included (difficult child actually came up with the incentive herself) agreed on. I agreed, no SO this year.

    You can just imagine how yesterday afternoon and evening went. This morning was even worse. I am the EVIL mom, teacher is devil spawn, principal HATES difficult child's guts... It was screaming, crying, name calling, swearing, things being thrown...

    This morning was school refusal (at which point I called Crisis Team and they talked to her about the FUN she'd be having if she didn't go to school). She would not change her clothes, guess she thought mom wouldn't dare take her to school in the clothes she wore yesterday!! ;) Less laundry for me, yeah!

    I just know my phone will be ringing and school will be demanding I come pick her up. My plan is to call Crisis Team and have them go to school and get her and take her in to Mental Health, I will meet them there. I told difficult child my plan.

    Behaviorist had to be rescheduled till this evening as we all came down with stomach flu last week. Boy oh boy does he have his work cut out for him. He better have some miracles tucked in his pockets because this family cannot take difficult child's gfgness much longer. I have already been researching RTCs and think I have found one about 2 hours from us that seems great.

    So, anyways, a little prayer or good thought my way would be much appreciated!

    Thanks family!!
    Vickie
     
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Sending mega-prayers and boatloads of warrior mom strength your way Vickie.
    So sorry that difficult child is falling apart.

    {{{{{hugs}}}}}
    Trinity
     
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Vickie--

    I am already planning on running away....

    You are invited. Pack your bags....

    I think a few more Moms are coming along, as well.

    --DaisyF
     
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are doing the right thing. She has to learn that rules are rules.
     
  5. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    Sending hugs and good thoughts and strength. I think you're doing the right thing, it's something you have to follow through on. It's hard since it's something she loves and things our difficult children get to do are few, but it's a plan she agreed on. Things for us started to improve once my difficult child actually said yeah, things that happened were because of his choices. It doesn't sound like your difficult child is ready to own it yet. I hope that you can find a good program/Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and that it's soon that she accepts her responsibilities on how her life goes as the choices she's making.
     
  6. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member

    I know that I'm new here and you all don't know me very well yet, but can I join you in running away? I'm really lots of fun when I'm not dealing with all this difficult child craziness.;)

    Vickie, I'm so sorry about the Special Olympics. I tried incentive programs for years with difficult child -- points, going 7 days without a meltdown, you name it. I always offered rewards I knew he really wanted -- dinner out, magazine subscriptions, etc. It never worked. psychiatrist finally told me that it won't work because he's just not wired that way. He had a clinical elaboration that I won't attempt to repeat, but he said that some kids just don't respond to incentives. It's not a matter of inability or even defiance; it's just that they are wired differently.

    Hugs!
     
  7. Jungleland

    Jungleland Welcome to my jungle!

    Grace, you nailed it! Incentives don't work, punishments don't work. NOTHING works!! I am so tired of telling teachers, etc. that these sort of "charts" are a waste of the paper they are printed on.

    I am praying with all my heart that this behaviorist has other suggestions than this, as we have been there done that for so many years and know it is not something that works for difficult child. My easy child's, yes, they worked great, but difficult child just doesn't the capability to make it work.

    And yes, please join us in running away!!
     
  8. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    How did today go? Did she make it through school? (or did you run away before the phone could ring?) Sounds like we need another board cyperspace retreat.
     
  9. Wishing

    Wishing New Member

    I was surprised 80 points a day seems like a lot. My thought is can this chart be adaped so that most of the points she does already and only involve one or two new behaviors. She sounds pretty disappointed.Hugs
     
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Prayers and good thoughts.

    My #1 concern right now would be school refusal.

    I would push push push to have the behavioralist address this pronto when it occurs.

    All else, unless it greatly influences you at home, I would try your best to detach. Let your child know that she is loved, but at the same time, let her know that she is responsible for her behavior and life and let others help you.

    in my humble opinion, you have been through too much and have too much at stake. I would not meet therapists, teachers and such at schools unless it is a planned school event or a very unsual circumstance. The key words are "very unusual." Use emails and phone calls. If you have to meet, I would keep it brief. Do not reward any inappropriate behavior with your attention. Remember, your attention is a powerful thing. Keep it special. Let your child try to work out problems. Let her try to cope with inappropriate behavior. You might give a gentle assist from the sidelines...that's about it. Let' her learn to stsand up for herself. Give yourself a break. Let teachers and therapists do what they need to do. You can provide input. That is an appropriate role. Do not do it all or nearly all. Do not let yourself get burned out or allow the child to think that you will always be there every inch of the way. Allow them to understand that they will have to develop skills to learn how to help themselves.

    You need your energy....put problems back into the hands of your child and the special needs teachers and the therapists who work with her.

    If difficult child sees that she has some control of her own behavior...an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) wont be necessary.

    If you implement changes and things worsen, an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), would not be out of the question.

    Hopefully, it wont come to that...

    If one strategey doesn't work...ltry another. If THAT doesn't work...perhaps the big guns...Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is the answer.
     
    Lasted edited by : May 12, 2009
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