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I need to be tied to the mast.
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 740050" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>My kids usually turn me on to new music - ironically, Mumford and Sons was probably recommended by C. They are a British Folk/Alternative Rock band. The Cave is one of their biggest hits. (Little Lion Man is another one I love - though those lyrics do have some curse words.) Music is my go-to for consolation and for losing myself when thoughts become too overwhelming. Music and cleaning or gardening. I put my headphones on blast and just lose myself in what I'm doing for a while. I listen to about everything except Rap and Hip Hop. My itunes library has about 40,000 songs in it with playlists for every possible mood and situation. Yes, this is my Aspie obsession. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think, for many of us, our biggest strengths and our biggest weaknesses are one and the same. I don't think loving and trying to accept our children wherever they are at the moment is ever wrong, or ever weak. But it does open us up to be hurt. Like you, I so want to keep the door open for my wayward ones for whenever they are ready. I also want to protect the peace I have carved out for myself here. Those impulses aren't always compatible. </p><p></p><p>I think M has good advice. Being able to say no, but also lettting go of the judgment, is where I have come to. No, you can't live with me. Yes, I still love you. I will not judge you for the choices you are making in your life, but you cannot bring them here. I am sorry for the pain your choices have brought you. I cannot rescue you from that pain, because only you can do that. </p><p></p><p>It is hard. It is hard when we know deep in our bones that the advice we want to give them is RIGHT. That if they would only do what we want them to, their lives would be so much easier and so much less painful. </p><p></p><p>It's hard not to feel like their rejection of our advice, and our values, is also a rejection of us, and of our love for them. And of everything we have done for them over the years. </p><p></p><p>With my oldest three, I sometimes feel like I have spent my whole life pouring love into a bottomless cup. I pour and pour and it's never enough to make up for whatever scars come from their early experiences, their DNA, their brain chemicals, whatever. </p><p></p><p>And yet...it finally did click with N. It's not perfect. He slips up sometimes. But he's on a good path and we have a good relationship, although he's almost 2,000 miles away now. I treasure that and hold onto hope that C and S will also get there. </p><p></p><p>I think maintaining both love and boundaries is all we can really do. And that balance may look a bit different for each of us. </p><p></p><p>Stay strong. You're not on this road alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 740050, member: 23349"] My kids usually turn me on to new music - ironically, Mumford and Sons was probably recommended by C. They are a British Folk/Alternative Rock band. The Cave is one of their biggest hits. (Little Lion Man is another one I love - though those lyrics do have some curse words.) Music is my go-to for consolation and for losing myself when thoughts become too overwhelming. Music and cleaning or gardening. I put my headphones on blast and just lose myself in what I'm doing for a while. I listen to about everything except Rap and Hip Hop. My itunes library has about 40,000 songs in it with playlists for every possible mood and situation. Yes, this is my Aspie obsession. ;) I think, for many of us, our biggest strengths and our biggest weaknesses are one and the same. I don't think loving and trying to accept our children wherever they are at the moment is ever wrong, or ever weak. But it does open us up to be hurt. Like you, I so want to keep the door open for my wayward ones for whenever they are ready. I also want to protect the peace I have carved out for myself here. Those impulses aren't always compatible. I think M has good advice. Being able to say no, but also lettting go of the judgment, is where I have come to. No, you can't live with me. Yes, I still love you. I will not judge you for the choices you are making in your life, but you cannot bring them here. I am sorry for the pain your choices have brought you. I cannot rescue you from that pain, because only you can do that. It is hard. It is hard when we know deep in our bones that the advice we want to give them is RIGHT. That if they would only do what we want them to, their lives would be so much easier and so much less painful. It's hard not to feel like their rejection of our advice, and our values, is also a rejection of us, and of our love for them. And of everything we have done for them over the years. With my oldest three, I sometimes feel like I have spent my whole life pouring love into a bottomless cup. I pour and pour and it's never enough to make up for whatever scars come from their early experiences, their DNA, their brain chemicals, whatever. And yet...it finally did click with N. It's not perfect. He slips up sometimes. But he's on a good path and we have a good relationship, although he's almost 2,000 miles away now. I treasure that and hold onto hope that C and S will also get there. I think maintaining both love and boundaries is all we can really do. And that balance may look a bit different for each of us. Stay strong. You're not on this road alone. [/QUOTE]
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