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I need to learn how to shut up !
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 404119" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>I think these things can go one of two ways.......for one of unnumberd reasons. </p><p> </p><p>Either your brother in law is complaining to you because he believes you will listen attentively as a sounding board, be sympathetic to his needs and tic-a-lock. Thus he gets what is known as a free bitc*$&G buddy, gets his frustrations out of his system and NOTHING ever changes - which by the way IS his choice as a parent. </p><p> </p><p>OR </p><p> </p><p>Your brother in law is complaining to you in the hopes that you will listen attentively as a sounding board, be empathetic to his needs and give him sound advice, and offer up free solutions to his problems, get his frustrations out of his system, and get free physchological counseling and he will PICK AND CHOOSE out of your advice what suits him. </p><p> </p><p>Problems I see happening with both scenarios - </p><p> </p><p>Scenario 1 - Your brother in law continues to cry on your shoulder about his self-destructing son, you say nothing and one day the kid EXPLODES or worse and there you are the parents of difficult child's who got help or got your help and he turns to you both and says WHY OH WHY didn't you say anything to me? WHY? and blames YOU BOTH for not speaking up or offering some kind of advice. He uses you for a scapegoat. </p><p> </p><p>Scenario 2 - Basically what you have written about - He's cried on your shoulders - and you felt so badly for him you told him what you felt would ease his pain at the cost of damaging a relationship. NOT GOOD. Why? Well = like you said you too have difficult child's, and this is common knowledge right? So when the information/advice you offered him BACKFIRES? Guess who is going to get the "YOU WERE WRONG I HATE YOU BOTH" treatment? Yeah - you. Then what? You've not only caused this huge rift in your relationship with brother in law - but possibly the whole family because a.) you have no idea really what is going to happen and b.) when it (your advice) backfires? If it does? He will be looking for a scapegoat. </p><p> </p><p>My thoughts at this point about your brother in law? Make someone else the scapegoat. Either HIMSELF, or a psychologist. How? Not so hard. </p><p> </p><p>The next time he comes crying to you or hubby - sit him down and tell him that you and hubby have had a long and serious talk about him and nephew and the problems that arise out of these circles of destruction from nephew and you feel that it's gotten to the point where you can't offer any advice any longer. Explain to him that you feel for him, and love them both and have even discussed it with a professional - and HE feels it is crucial to get both brother in law and his son into professional counseling. Explain to him that this situation has just gotten so voliatle that you feel if you offer any more advice? It may be the wrong advice, and you wouldn't want to ever do anything to hurt either of them. </p><p> </p><p>This does a couple of things - </p><p> </p><p>1.) Stops brother in law from running to YOU (who is already overburdened with your own problems) every time there is a crisis, and makes him start understanding he needs to DEAL with his own problems and allow his son to deal with HIS problems. </p><p> </p><p>2.) Starts brother in law and hopefully nephew down the path to getting well. Enmeshed, enabler, co-dependents - whatever you want to call it - is not healthy. You can't just come at someone like brother in law right now in this state of mind and say YOU ARE AN ENABLER ......wow does that not help at all. </p><p> </p><p>What you can do is gently suggest that this situation is bigger than ANYONE would have ever imagined and how you know HE must feel alone, overwhelmed, tired, - how hard it is for him - and that when things like this happen - you know PLENTY of people that have gotten assistance from people who can HELP HIM get answers to helping HIM help his SON. </p><p> </p><p>Sometimes it's not WHAT you say - it's HOW you say it....</p><p> </p><p>Hope this helps. </p><p>Hugs </p><p>Star</p><p>(who rarely stays quiet) -</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 404119, member: 4964"] I think these things can go one of two ways.......for one of unnumberd reasons. Either your brother in law is complaining to you because he believes you will listen attentively as a sounding board, be sympathetic to his needs and tic-a-lock. Thus he gets what is known as a free bitc*$&G buddy, gets his frustrations out of his system and NOTHING ever changes - which by the way IS his choice as a parent. OR Your brother in law is complaining to you in the hopes that you will listen attentively as a sounding board, be empathetic to his needs and give him sound advice, and offer up free solutions to his problems, get his frustrations out of his system, and get free physchological counseling and he will PICK AND CHOOSE out of your advice what suits him. Problems I see happening with both scenarios - Scenario 1 - Your brother in law continues to cry on your shoulder about his self-destructing son, you say nothing and one day the kid EXPLODES or worse and there you are the parents of difficult child's who got help or got your help and he turns to you both and says WHY OH WHY didn't you say anything to me? WHY? and blames YOU BOTH for not speaking up or offering some kind of advice. He uses you for a scapegoat. Scenario 2 - Basically what you have written about - He's cried on your shoulders - and you felt so badly for him you told him what you felt would ease his pain at the cost of damaging a relationship. NOT GOOD. Why? Well = like you said you too have difficult child's, and this is common knowledge right? So when the information/advice you offered him BACKFIRES? Guess who is going to get the "YOU WERE WRONG I HATE YOU BOTH" treatment? Yeah - you. Then what? You've not only caused this huge rift in your relationship with brother in law - but possibly the whole family because a.) you have no idea really what is going to happen and b.) when it (your advice) backfires? If it does? He will be looking for a scapegoat. My thoughts at this point about your brother in law? Make someone else the scapegoat. Either HIMSELF, or a psychologist. How? Not so hard. The next time he comes crying to you or hubby - sit him down and tell him that you and hubby have had a long and serious talk about him and nephew and the problems that arise out of these circles of destruction from nephew and you feel that it's gotten to the point where you can't offer any advice any longer. Explain to him that you feel for him, and love them both and have even discussed it with a professional - and HE feels it is crucial to get both brother in law and his son into professional counseling. Explain to him that this situation has just gotten so voliatle that you feel if you offer any more advice? It may be the wrong advice, and you wouldn't want to ever do anything to hurt either of them. This does a couple of things - 1.) Stops brother in law from running to YOU (who is already overburdened with your own problems) every time there is a crisis, and makes him start understanding he needs to DEAL with his own problems and allow his son to deal with HIS problems. 2.) Starts brother in law and hopefully nephew down the path to getting well. Enmeshed, enabler, co-dependents - whatever you want to call it - is not healthy. You can't just come at someone like brother in law right now in this state of mind and say YOU ARE AN ENABLER ......wow does that not help at all. What you can do is gently suggest that this situation is bigger than ANYONE would have ever imagined and how you know HE must feel alone, overwhelmed, tired, - how hard it is for him - and that when things like this happen - you know PLENTY of people that have gotten assistance from people who can HELP HIM get answers to helping HIM help his SON. Sometimes it's not WHAT you say - it's HOW you say it.... Hope this helps. Hugs Star (who rarely stays quiet) - [/QUOTE]
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