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I need to learn to be more assertive
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 85991" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p>It has always been difficult for me to find a balance between being honest and trying not to hurt other's feelings by caring for my own. I am not sure I entirely agree that 'some' thing happened to you to 'make' you this way. If it's via nurturing that we end up any which way, I think it's a life long process - it has been for me. I received very mixed messages from my parents, extended family and authoritive figures, such as teachers, growing up (as I'm sure you have). On the one hand I was told I could be anything I wanted and that I should always look out for #1 (me). But through actions and expectations of others in my life along the way, I was taught to always be thinking of others' needs first, put my own feelings last and, for me, that translated into me deferring to others all the time, being taken advantage of, not thinking I deserved better, coming last, etc. </p><p></p><p>It took a long time for me to figure out that I can be true to myself, take care of myself and nurture myself without hurting others. It's okay to say "no" and it's okay to tell people, "you know, this really isn't working for me and we either need to find a way to make it work or I need to step away from this situation". KNOWING that you need to preserve yourself and actually doing it are two different things. I've back slided many times over the course of my life, with H, exh, my dds, sister, mother, etc. But I think we keep learning and each time we grow from being able to say "no" and taking care of our own needs first.</p><p></p><p>A good example is the stuff I'm going through right now with my difficult child. In order to preserve myself I have to tell her "no, you can't come home yet" and although there is a part of saying no that breaks my heart (she is my daughter!), I know that I have to do this for myself. I know that I am getting more from this break than she will. I know that I need to be kind to myself and figure out a few things for me, for H even...and difficult child has to take a back seat presently. </p><p></p><p>That's what you have to do with your H. He needs to take a back seat while you figure out what's right for you, what you need right now. You need to nurture yourself over anyone else at this point and it's HEALTHY to care for yourself above all before you can even beging to care for anyone else. By being honest with your H about where you stand and how you feel may seem cruel or hurtful, but it isn't. It presents him with an opportunity to grow as well and learn from this. It frees you to focus more on your own needs and perhaps, he can focus on his in a healthier fashion than he has in the past. </p><p></p><p>Sending many gentle hugs - hoping for the best. Be good to yourself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 85991, member: 2211"] It has always been difficult for me to find a balance between being honest and trying not to hurt other's feelings by caring for my own. I am not sure I entirely agree that 'some' thing happened to you to 'make' you this way. If it's via nurturing that we end up any which way, I think it's a life long process - it has been for me. I received very mixed messages from my parents, extended family and authoritive figures, such as teachers, growing up (as I'm sure you have). On the one hand I was told I could be anything I wanted and that I should always look out for #1 (me). But through actions and expectations of others in my life along the way, I was taught to always be thinking of others' needs first, put my own feelings last and, for me, that translated into me deferring to others all the time, being taken advantage of, not thinking I deserved better, coming last, etc. It took a long time for me to figure out that I can be true to myself, take care of myself and nurture myself without hurting others. It's okay to say "no" and it's okay to tell people, "you know, this really isn't working for me and we either need to find a way to make it work or I need to step away from this situation". KNOWING that you need to preserve yourself and actually doing it are two different things. I've back slided many times over the course of my life, with H, exh, my dds, sister, mother, etc. But I think we keep learning and each time we grow from being able to say "no" and taking care of our own needs first. A good example is the stuff I'm going through right now with my difficult child. In order to preserve myself I have to tell her "no, you can't come home yet" and although there is a part of saying no that breaks my heart (she is my daughter!), I know that I have to do this for myself. I know that I am getting more from this break than she will. I know that I need to be kind to myself and figure out a few things for me, for H even...and difficult child has to take a back seat presently. That's what you have to do with your H. He needs to take a back seat while you figure out what's right for you, what you need right now. You need to nurture yourself over anyone else at this point and it's HEALTHY to care for yourself above all before you can even beging to care for anyone else. By being honest with your H about where you stand and how you feel may seem cruel or hurtful, but it isn't. It presents him with an opportunity to grow as well and learn from this. It frees you to focus more on your own needs and perhaps, he can focus on his in a healthier fashion than he has in the past. Sending many gentle hugs - hoping for the best. Be good to yourself. [/QUOTE]
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