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Substance Abuse
I Never Imagined I’d Be Here- Need Advice
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 751468" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Twinkletoes</p><p></p><p>I am so, so sorry for the loss of your grandson and the pain you have suffered and continue to suffer. And I am so very sorry your daughter is putting you through this. After all you have suffered, and she has suffered, that you have suffered together, to do this to you, indeed is a cruel, cruel blow.</p><p></p><p>I am nobody to talk but I will respond to your post from where I am now.This happens to me when I have not had adequate boundaries, and do and do and try and try, when it is none of my business and not my responsibility. Resentment and frustration build up until one little thing, and I blow. I have created this explosion because I have not paid attention to my own needs, my own feelings, and the wisdom of taking on that which is not mine to bear.</p><p>This is what I mean. I am assuming here that you bought a tv and/or were paying for cable and internet for your daughter. This was your choice to do so. Once you decided to do it, this was a gift to your adult daughter, for her to do with as she chooses. It sounds like you made an implicit but unstated bargain with her, that she got these gifts contingent on good behavior on her part, or behavior of which you approve. Our children are adults. While I have tried and tried in the same way as you, it does not work. Because our children NEVER buy into what we want for them. Your daughter may have paid lip service, but she didn't really buy in. She just took.</p><p>That is exactly true. But she has that right--not to care. She, not you, is in charge of her own feelings and actions. She can say or do whatever she chooses. Your right is to respond to how she treats you, how she acts, by making your own choices about what you do and what you don't do.</p><p></p><p>From what you write she has been abusive, deceitful and morally compromised. You're right. Why take more? This sentence tells you everything.</p><p></p><p>She is reacting by denying him, trying to hurt you, seeking revenge, tit for tat. Without a care how the child is affected. However I believe you have some learning here too. You know she has total control over this child. Right or wrong. Your only access to the child is through her. She is showing you exactly how vulnerable you are, her child is, and is your relationship with your grandchild. She has shown you her willingness to put everything on the line. This is your learning. Apparently, you needed to see where she could go. She showed you. It's not a pretty picture.</p><p></p><p>You have a lot of clarity now. There is nothing you can give her, not help, not a TV, not internet, that will buy reciprocity or decency from her. Because she is not in this space. Whether this is addiction, grief, her personality, right now, we don't know. But you know enough now to take care of yourself. To take care of your money, your heart, your well-being, your dignity. You know none of these are safe with her now.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry. Many of us have found ourselves in this tough spot. But the silver lining is we are now living from the truth. And we can begin to live for ourselves, with others who will treat us well.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you have found us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 751468, member: 18958"] Dear Twinkletoes I am so, so sorry for the loss of your grandson and the pain you have suffered and continue to suffer. And I am so very sorry your daughter is putting you through this. After all you have suffered, and she has suffered, that you have suffered together, to do this to you, indeed is a cruel, cruel blow. I am nobody to talk but I will respond to your post from where I am now.This happens to me when I have not had adequate boundaries, and do and do and try and try, when it is none of my business and not my responsibility. Resentment and frustration build up until one little thing, and I blow. I have created this explosion because I have not paid attention to my own needs, my own feelings, and the wisdom of taking on that which is not mine to bear. This is what I mean. I am assuming here that you bought a tv and/or were paying for cable and internet for your daughter. This was your choice to do so. Once you decided to do it, this was a gift to your adult daughter, for her to do with as she chooses. It sounds like you made an implicit but unstated bargain with her, that she got these gifts contingent on good behavior on her part, or behavior of which you approve. Our children are adults. While I have tried and tried in the same way as you, it does not work. Because our children NEVER buy into what we want for them. Your daughter may have paid lip service, but she didn't really buy in. She just took. That is exactly true. But she has that right--not to care. She, not you, is in charge of her own feelings and actions. She can say or do whatever she chooses. Your right is to respond to how she treats you, how she acts, by making your own choices about what you do and what you don't do. From what you write she has been abusive, deceitful and morally compromised. You're right. Why take more? This sentence tells you everything. She is reacting by denying him, trying to hurt you, seeking revenge, tit for tat. Without a care how the child is affected. However I believe you have some learning here too. You know she has total control over this child. Right or wrong. Your only access to the child is through her. She is showing you exactly how vulnerable you are, her child is, and is your relationship with your grandchild. She has shown you her willingness to put everything on the line. This is your learning. Apparently, you needed to see where she could go. She showed you. It's not a pretty picture. You have a lot of clarity now. There is nothing you can give her, not help, not a TV, not internet, that will buy reciprocity or decency from her. Because she is not in this space. Whether this is addiction, grief, her personality, right now, we don't know. But you know enough now to take care of yourself. To take care of your money, your heart, your well-being, your dignity. You know none of these are safe with her now. I am so sorry. Many of us have found ourselves in this tough spot. But the silver lining is we are now living from the truth. And we can begin to live for ourselves, with others who will treat us well. I am glad you have found us. [/QUOTE]
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