I never should have had kids. Need serious advice.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Jul 7, 2014.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I seem to do better handling my difficult children than my PCs and I get so upset when they are upset.

    Jumper broke up with her boyfriend. I don't know why. In case you're thinking "Oh, big deal. She'll be with someone else tomorrow" she isn't like that. She is mature, not at all boy crazy and the worst part is he is such a good kid and he was her best friend. She was always with him. I have no idea why she did it. she has gone silent, as she does when she is sad and upset. I am already in catastrophic mode about how she will find the bad kids at college now that this boy is no longer there to be her best influence. She told me it is not about sex and that's all she said. I know they haven't had sex so I asked if he pushed her and she gave me a look and said, "No" calmly. First I asked her if she broke up with him because she was going away to college and she sort of nodded "yes" then "no."

    She is very quiet. It is very eerie. I am very scared, but I know I can't keep pumping her for details. I remember how badly she took it when Joe broke up with her and HE was a jerk. This boy was the one who befriended her and brought her back to life. Jumper is very introspective and private and that frightens me more than when 36 screams about suicide. Not that I expect her to do that, but it is hard to watch her just sitting there, not talking, not doing anything, just being sad.

    I'm not stupid. She is going to school in almost all white LaCrosse WI. It is not going to be easy for her to find another guy who will not only like her romantically, but be her best friend too. At any rate, I doubt she'll ever find anyone who she connects with this way again, female friend or male boyfriend. This incident comes days after I listened to a show on NPR about how asian girls are the most coveted by all races of men and black women are at the bottom. Not that I didn't know this, but that just makes it harder for ME. Jumper doesn't know about the study and I'm not going to tell her.

    I don't know how to apply what I do with my difficult child to Jumper. I tend to ache with my kids.

    Jumper's graduation party is coming up then she leaves for college. But it's a smaller, tech college.

    Today...I just wish I'd chosen not to have children. I get too involved in their emotions. I wish I could be one of those moms who just didn't care and let them just go through the normal stuff. But, although I'm not going to bother her, inside I am crying for her and wondering why she did it. And wondering if there is anything I can do to cheer her up. She turned down going out for ice cream.

    Honestly, what made me think I could handle a teen when I was sixty years old??????? LOLOL.

    Oh, boy. Well, could use some good advice. We talk about our difficult children all the time because they put themselves in so much danger and drive us so crazy. But our PCs must have problems too at times and they aren't always as strong as we sometimes think they are.
     
  2. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Yes, our PCs have problems too. I am thinking how fortunate Jumper is, to have your concern. So many times our PCs suffer because we are exhausted from dealing with our difficult children. That was certainly true of me, with my easy child and my difficult child.

    To my read, knowing nothing other than your post, Jumper and her boyfriend might have just decided that this is a time they both want to have to themselves, to grow and explore the world solo. And (again, just to my read) she wants to test her own "handling" this decision and the grief that goes along with it. And sometimes 17 year old girls just like to be sad! Good grief, I sure did.

    She knows you are in the background, supporting her and letting her handle.

    Lucky girl, that Jumper.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you. She's eighteen and doesn't like being sad. She's not a drama queen (like I was). But she is holding up and not falling apart like she did the last time.

    You're sure right that she wants to work it out herself. He did not want to break up with her and would take her back. But she is just sitting around here playing with the dogs. Really, she never is home, but maybe it's what she needs. I don't know.

    I always worried about all my kids, not just the difficult children. If anything, I would get so angry at the difficult children that I'd appreciate my PCs more. It was easier to let go of my difficult children when I had to than my PCs. My difficult children, especially 36, was so obnoxious that I didn't want to be around him and gravitated to my more likeable kids.
     
  4. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    You are catastophizing. Now stop! :)

    She broke up with him, she is acting fine - you need to follow her lead.

    It's very common that kids break up right before school - because they are looking for a fresh start. You were so worried about her last breakup - and none of your worries came to pass.

    She's a great kid, with a bright future and has always shown herself to have a good head on her shoulders. And she has you to fall back on if she needs emotional support. Please don't worry.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Sig :)

    I'm still worried, but you did make me laugh. She's not 100% ok, but it's not like with the first one. Not yet anyway.
     
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My granddaughter is leaving for college in August and although boys have been hanging around and she was dating, she made a clear commitment NOT to get in to any serious relationship. In fact, last year, she was with a boy for over 2 years and before they mutually broke it off, she told me that she told him that before she leaves for college they were going to break up. She just told me that her college roommate has a boyfriend and before she leaves, she is going to break up with him. Perhaps this is a trend among the younger set, maybe your daughter feels this is the right thing for her to do now.

    She may have the kind of confidence that will attract all kinds of people regardless of ethnicity. It may not be difficult for her at all MWM, that may be your own fears creeping in for her, she may not see it that way at all. She has always seemed like a very confident, assertive, grounded person who knows what she wants.

    This parenting thing is a tough road MWM, as you well know. This is just a small bump on the big road, Jumper will find her way just fine, she is a capable, caring, smart young woman who knows what's she's doing.................in the meantime, let her go, let her know you trust her judgements, that you honor her choices. It's hard on us, but inside your daughter beats the heart of a grown woman, a woman who knows what she wants and knows what she's doing. You are always there for her and she knows that, so if she needs to talk, you will be the first person she goes to. For now, it may be best to do something just for you, to be nurturing and kind to you, this letting go of our easy child's is just as difficult, only in different ways.

    I have my own feelings of letting go of my 18 year old college bound granddaughter so I can empathize with you MWM. And, let's face it, it's just time for us to let go. They are off on their adventure now, they will be away from home and making their own choices, it is a very heady time for them. I have been doing a lot of "sitting on my lips" as someone recently posted..............very often what I think of my granddaughter's choices is NONE of my business!! Ha! More letting go!
     
  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    MWM, this is a normal transition for Jumper. With or without a boyfriend, she is going to have to make her way in the world sooner or later. I respect her courage in ending a relationship instead of holding onto it for the wrong reasons.

    She must have a well developed sense of integrity.

    Maya Angelou tells a story about a mother who firmly told her daughter (who was going away from home for the first time) to remember she had already been raised. What she meant was that the daughter had been taught right from wrong by people who loved her, and that someone else telling her different, no matter who it was, did not change a wrong thing into a right one.

    Telling her daughter again to remember that she had already been raised, the mother added that she loved her, and told the daughter she was not alone in the world, and could always come home.

    I hope that comforts your heart, MWM.

    We do have to let them try their wings, and it is really scary. We don't want them to be hurt, but that is part of life. As long as Jumper remembers she has already been raised, and remembers too that she always has a home to come back to, I think she will be strong enough, MWM.


    MWM, you sound like such a cool, sweet mom.

    Cedar
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Everyone, you have no idea how much you helped me get back my grounding.

    RE, fantastic, comforting post. I don't know for sure that Jumper broke it off. Her ex had to drop something off today and I just asked casually what happened and he shrugged and said, "Just college and all..." May have been a mutual decision or his decision or hers. Either way, this is the beginning of the adult years of her life and she is handling it with maturity. She has gone out with two of her trusted friends and we offered her money to eat and she just said, "I can't eat." She is upset, but she is turning to her peers for support. That's a good thing. I have to remember how annoying it is when 36 calls me to ask me what to do about his girlfriends and it makes me want to tear my hair out of my head because he should be handling it himself. Well, Jumper is doing that.

    I am worried for her, the way people worry about their difficult children. Will she get depressed and kill herself? Stupid, I know, but it happens. Still, I have to let her make her own way. In two weeks, the two of us are going to see Julie and her baby and then we have her graduation party and then she leaves home and I can only hope she stays true to herself, even without him. She does not want to talk about this with me and I have to respect that boundary.

    Cedar, another post that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Thank you with all my heart for your kindness and extreme wisdom. You remind me of my new role in her life. Yes, she has a home to come back to, but she can make that decision on her own.

    Whoever said that maybe her personality will attract people may be right. I hope so anyway. I know she will enjoy being able to play two more years of sports and that always gets her some attention.

    Thanks again to people who I don't know who, yet, I consider some of my dearest friends.

    Pam
     
  9. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    You are an excellent mom - so of course you should have had kids. Jumper is lucky to have you (in the background in this case). It sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders and will get through this. It's all going to work out in the end.
     
  10. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    MWM,

    My easy child daughter has had horrible, painful times with breakups. The worst was when she was about 20; we watched her like hawks. We pulled out the sleeper sofa so she would not be in her room. We got her a puppy. It was a downright scary time. She cried for days. Ten years later, she is back with the same guy. (ugh)

    Our youngest (son) has had painful breakups, but not nearly as bad as daughter.

    And, always, every time, it has turned out OK. There is much pain, slow healing....and then, they are wiser for it....well, except for daughter!!!!!

    I always envied friends with the attitude of "Plenty more fish", but i think they are the minority.

    I believe these painful times are part of their growth---to help them see what a good life mate looks like. This natural progression does not happen with difficult child's. Our difficult child usually tried to extract revenge.

    I used to worry my easy child's inherited this from me because I hurt forever from breakups. In college, i remember a good friend asking me HOW LONG are you gonna wallow? This was a breakup with a guy I truly thought I would marry. It snapped me back.

    Most times, it is probably not so concisely ended.

    Painful, but I think empowering afterwards. Please try not to worry; it will be alright.
     
  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Go Jumper! You go, girl.

    Maybe she's ready to play the field or go it alone for a while. At 17, to break up with a seemingly good guy, that takes a lot of guts. Most 17 year old girls are scared to death to be alone and will stay with the so-and-so until the cows come home, just to have somebody.

    I love that she had the guts and the courage to do this, MWM.

    Take your cues from her. Even if she gets homesick for him, that's normal. Let her cry. We know that crying won't kill you. We do it enough around here.

    It's actually healing.

    I think this is some kid you have raised. Rejoice! She is going to be just fine.
     
  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    And hey, MWM, there are all kinds of mixed relationships these days---it's becoming a norm. I see them everywhere, even in the backward South.

    Lol.

    Again, she is going to be fine. It's a great big world out there, so let her at it.
     
  13. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    It's great that she's had the courage to break up with him. Whatever was wrong, she knew it was wrong, and to speak bluntly (sorry) that's not your business. There's a lot more to life than having a boyfriend and it's clear that she recognises this. She's only 18. She is going off to college. She is just starting out and she needs to find herself and discover what she wants to do with her life. Being single isn't the end of the world. Often it's the opposite. Go Jumper!
     
  14. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I love Jumper. She sounds strong and sweet. I love that she is handling this in her own way. I love that you are fluttering around her, worrying for her. It is as families (moms and daughters) should be.

    My easy child daughter, twin to difficult child, decided to stay in her college town after her fresan year, when she was 18. The deal was she was on her own financially for that choice. She had a great summer planned, living with cute boyfriend and best friend, working as a bar back in a bar where he was head bartender..then she got pregnant and flipped out, he broke up with her, she lost her housing and her job, and her best friend list her housing too, for which easy child felt reaponsible.

    I was flipping out from a distance, sure my fragile volatile depression prone oldest child would implode.

    But she didn't.

    She ended up moving three or four times that summer, once to a one bedroom house where 3 or 4 girls slept in the one queen sized bed. She got a new job, which she then kept into the school year. She eventually got over the boy, although it took about 6 months and some treatment for PTSD.

    She says it was very very hard, and when she talks about it now it is with pride..'remember when i was single, unemployed, homeless, pregnant, and a teenager?' I managed it!

    Good for her.

    I was terrified.

    She says now she didn't realize how hard it is to be a grown up.

    That was a long story, but I kind of see her in Jumper.

    Blessings on your house, mwm, and on your loving mommy heart.

    Echo
     
  15. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Of course it hurts to see her hurting and it's easy to be upset as well. When my easy child and his girlfriend break up, they do this sometimes, then they get back together. I make sure not to say one bad thing, or even ask the reason why, because it will come back to bite me. Jumper is figuring things out on her own terms, let it roll over your back, you're doing fine. As I am typing this, they may be back together.
     
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Today she came home all breathless and said, "Mom, can I drive J. to W. for a baseball game?"

    Guess the breakup is over.

    I have to laugh at myself more than anything.
     
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  17. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    :O)

    Cedar
     
  18. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I think we sometimes project our feelings or experiences with life events onto our kiddos. We think they will respond in a certain way and they don't.
     
  19. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    MWM, just weighing in on the race issue. Jumper is a beautiful girl with a vibrant, lovely personality. Her inner light will attract people regardless of race. I grew up in a white neighborhood, went to all white schools, live in a white neighborhood now and work mostly with white people. My husband is white. I have never felt out of place or been made to feel badly because of my skin color, ever. Jumper will be fine.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Trinity and everyone, I thank you all so much for bolstering me once again during a silly mom moment, which I still get from time to time. Trinity you were too kind and you also RE and Cedar just seeing your name in a post makes me feel better.

    The breakup is over, but you all made me see that I have to let go of Jumper's affairs as well as my difficult children and let her live life. She is a very unique young woman who is sure of herself most of the time, but sensitive at other times...in other words, pretty much like most eighteen year olds. She is striking out to be her own person and if she has a breakup or even racial problems in college THAT IS HER WALK TO TAKE. I have to believe that she will find ways to deal with bad situations as she is so level-headed and mature.

    I can't remember every person who posted everything, but whoever told me to let her know that I have raised her already and that I hope she remembers her upbringing, but that I now trust her to make her own decisions...I loved it and am going to write her a letter about that when I give her her graduation party gift. Unlike my difficult child, she will appreciate it. She keeps my letters to her. Of course, I will let her know that if SHE wants to talk about something or needs us, she can always come to us and that her bedroom is going to still be there, but that we are entering a new phase where she is allowed to make decisions and I am not going to tell her my opinion of them unless she asks.

    Thanks again for waking me up. Jumper may be the hardest of all for me to let go of. We have always been extremely close, and I so appreciate her kind yet very individual personality and of all of my kids, while I don't love her the most, I do enjoy her the most, if that makes sense. Of course, the only adult child I am currently not always enjoying is 36 and, honestly, even he has calmed down since he got the boundary ultimatum.

    Today I am counting my blessings and wish all of you the same blessings and to appreciate them, even when you have maybe one loved one who is not going in the right direction. We all have blessings. I feel all of YOU are blessings. Hugs to all.
     
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