I quit

[Kjs]

I am just at a loss. Is it the "teen years" kicking in or is it just him.

Yesterday I was visiting a neighbor at 1:30pm. difficult child gets up, walks over in his pajamas and asks to sleep at a friends. I told him we'll talk about it. He started yelling.

The previous night he was at this kids house and one of their friends picked them up and they were riding all over town. I wanted to talk to him about that, but he started yelling.

He also texted all his friends on Tuesday and told them how much he hates me and he can't stand living here. Some replied and said he can live there.

difficult child goes off saying neighbor boy had 6 sleep overs so far and he only had one and it's not fair. It is HIS spring break and he should be able to do what he wants. Cause it is HIS break.

I asked difficult child to talk to me. I asked about riding in a car. That I want to know and he didn't tell me. I told him I don't like that. Against the law for 5 kids in the car with a new driver. And inexperienced. I told him if he sleeps at friends I may have to check on him to be sure he isn't riding around. Now I am a Stalker. He hates me. Nobody will come to our house because of me. on and on and on.

He went on and on and had me crying again. I went out and did yard work and cried. husband got home and asked what was going on. I told him I want nothing to do with difficult child anymore. HE will make all the decisions. If difficult child wants to go somewhere he can text him. I don't want anything to do with him. I quit. difficult child can hate him. I am tired of always being the bad guy. (difficult child heard this...he is now happy as can be) Dad lets him do anything. Dad believes everything he says. I told dad that difficult child lies, and now he can lie to him. I can't take the mean things he says to me. The tone he uses, the disrespect. I quit.

So as I am taking down the curtains, they leave. difficult child is sleeping at a friends. I don't know who he is or where he lives. I only asked how he was getting home. (New windows today) husband said he is calling him later and will tell me. Well, husband didn't mention a word and I didn't ask. So for all I know difficult child won't be coming home today at all.

I am worried sick that difficult child will be riding in a car with kids that are high. difficult child is scared of pills and afraid people will die when they take them, or drink. But he says you can't get addicted to Pot. Or Die.

My heart is broken and I am so sad. What has happened? I can't even be in the same room with difficult child and he says mean things to me. I try to be cheery and fake that I am happy, until he starts in on me. Then I cry.
Guess he wins then cause he keeps it up and could care less that I am hurting.

I told husband, he is selfish and all he cares about is himself. I could fall over on the floor and die, and he wouldn't care. As long as Alex gets to do what Alex wants.

I told husband that not only is he making the decisions, he is now going to also give him chores to do. And when he lies and doesn't do them...he better deal with it.


The way it is, I asked husband where he took difficult child last night. He took him to the Lake. A group of kids were there and cooking out. I was worried they would go on the peir and jump. That is what they do in the summer. They don't realize it is 30 degrees out and Lake Michigan is SO cold and rough waters. The kids had a fire on the beach (illegal), and god knows what else. husband just sees him as this 2 year old boy. He believes everything he says, never questions anything. And never said a word to difficult child yesterday. When he came home from work he saw me crying. I told him what happened and he never said a single word to difficult child.

difficult child never said good bye. And the last thing he heard me say was I don't want anything to do with him. husband and I were outside, but he could hear.
I laid awake last night worrying that is something were to happen...that is the last thing he heard.

I tell him I love him, and I am trying to be a responsible parent. Checking up on him is not stalking him. I would not have to check on him if he didn't lie to me. About everything.

I quit. I quit everything. Being a mother, wife...I just quit.

 

[robinm1922]

I am so sorry you are going through this, maybe we can quit together and find a nice deserted island. We can sip some bahama mamma's, soak up the sun, listen to the waves roll in and dig our toes into the warm white sand! All of us that want to quit lets band together and take off!

Well it was a nice mental image anyway! I am sorry you are in quite mode, I am there too most of the time.
difficult child takes everything out on me, I don't know if it is because I am safe and she knows I will love her no matter what or why but she does. It is wearing especially when they have no compassion, when I say I can't do it anymore she simply say then don't!
If it were just that easy.
Maybe if you dig your heels in and hold your ground everyone (husband mainly) will get a taste of how life really is, that and maybe your difficult child will see his actions don't effect you.
Do your best to not show emotion around him ignore and if need be walk away but try not to let him see you cry. I heard once crying is a sign (for some people) of defeat, for me it is a sign of frustration. If he thinks he has beat you then it is more fuel for him. Just maybe he will stop and wonder why you aren't reacting.
Make your husband shoulder everything you have been shouldering that will an eye opening experience for him in the end.
Hold strong and if need be take a mental vacation to our new Island (we need a name) where no one exists but ourselves.
That and a glass of wine, beer or cocktail might help too!
Cyber hugs to you,
Robin

 

[jbrain]

Hi KJS,
I am so sorry you feel so beaten down. I do think it is good you told husband he can deal with difficult child now and I think you ought to stick to that. You really need to step way back and rejuvenate--you truly do need some perspective and I think going to Chicago for a day is a great idea. You have lost yourself--your identity is totally tied up with husband and difficult child. They will walk all over you and have no respect for you til you stand up for yourself--and you have to believe that you deserve to regain your identity. Who were you before you had difficult child? You need that person!

I remember one of my lowest points with my difficult child 1. I think she was about 13 or 14 and she was doing whatever she wanted, had no respect for me, seemed to not care a bit about my feelings. I was in tears and in deep pain because I thought I had "lost" her. Her therapist, who was a twit, actually did give me a piece of good advice though. She told me I had to step up to the plate--I was crying and wanted her sympathy and she really did not give me any. Told me I was the parent and I had to step up to the plate now. After that I never sunk that low again. I made plenty of mistakes but I took my power back.

Take care of yourself, KJS--you will not be able to help anyone if you don't put yourself first now.

Hugs,
Jane

 

[DaisyFace]

KJS--

I am so sorry to hear that you have having such a terrible time right now....

Maybe it would be good for you to "quit"?

Quit taking all the carp!
Quit letting others dictate your emotional well-being!

You are a WONDERFUL PERSON! And now that you have quit being just "wife/mother"....you have a chance to be something else for a change...

A Sister
A Cousin
A Daughter
An Aunt
A Friend
A Neighbor
A Student
A Teacher
A Leader
An Assistant
A Volunteer
A Confidant

Go do something that you (as a wife/mother) wouldn't normally do--but might do if you were trying on a different role...

It will be OK!

Hang in there! We love you!

--DaisyF

 

[susiestar]

I am so very sorry you feel so horrible. Your difficult child is TOTALLY out of line. But he sure does know how to push the buttons to make you feel like doodoo.

I think turning over ALL responsibility for difficult child to your husband is an excellent idea. husband may think difficult child is so wonderful now, but after several weeks or even months he may see the light.

As long as YOU take care of all the problems with difficult child then husband can downplay them and make it seem you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. Once HE has to step up to the plate, well, things will be different.

Go to the school on Monday and make sure they have husband's cell phone to call for any problems. Take YOUR cell and even the home phone off the list.

If people call with reminders for appointments - refer them to husband. Same for any requests difficult child makes, anyone else that calls with ANYTHING to do with difficult child.

husband is going to get very angry. But stick to your guns and don't give in and take care of things for him (husband or difficult child). The more emotion you show, the more difficult child and husband and easy child think they have won. So cry in private, post here as often as needed, and know we are with you.

Be ready for difficult child to have a couple of really good weeks with husband in charge. It is honeymooning. The problems will resurface in a few weeks. Then husband will be in for a shock.

Think of this as going on strike. It will be a way to try to wake up husband.

I am so very sorry you are in such pain. I know how devastated you feel. Talk to a counsellor, check into NAMI support groups in your area, and also look into NarcAnon or Al Anon. If your son is saying pot is not a problem, then he is probably using.

I think the odds are very high that difficult child is using pot and or alcohol. The way he insists that pot can't be addictive is a big red flag that he may be using pot. Or at least thinking about using pot. You simply MUST back off from this also. Let husband be the one to worry about it. Let HIM try to get difficult child to do a drug test. All that will happen if you bring this up is that difficult child and husband will dig their heels in more.

Deep down difficult child knows you love him. He will pull out all the stops to get a reaction from you, but you must must must not give him one. Go cry in private. Even if you have to drive to the gas station parking lot and cry in your car. The more difficult child sees that you are upset the more he will feel he "won". It is sick, but it is how difficult child sees things. Wiz felt like this for many years.

Sending a couple extra rhino skin armor suits, a whole bunch of hugs, and lots of love and prayers.

 

[trinityroyal]

Kjs,

You've already taken the first big step toward detachment, and the others have given you great advice about what to do next.

I just want to offer a few more layers of rhino skin for your warrior mom armour, and many gentle hugs.

Susie is right. Come and vent and cry here as often as you need to, but don't let husband or difficult child (or easy child, for that matter) see that they're getting to you or get a rise out of you. The sooner and more thoroughly you back right off, the more they will pick up the slack. Right now there's no slack for them to pick up.

Trinity

 

[gcvmom]

I'm so sorry you are hurt. Can't really add to what's been said. You've been doing the right thing all along, and it's a hard, thankless job especially when you've got no one backing you up at home.

Hang in there. We're here to listen.

(((((HUGS)))))

 

[AnnieO]

I am seconding all of this. When I finally "quit" a while back... I actually sat everyone down and told them, I am not waking anyone up in the morning anymore, you can get up on your own. I am not taking anyone anywhere. I am not buying you anything. If I go to the grocery, I will buy what is needed to keep us all healthy. If I buy extras they will be for me. If you ask me something be prepared to hear "no" or "go ask your father".

And then for three days I went on strike. I didn't even do dishes. No laundry. I read, cooked myself dinner, cried myself to sleep where no one could see me, and spent a LOT of time with my Mom.

The fourth day I was awakened by husband bearing breakfast in bed (kids were at biomom's). No dishes to do. laundry was in process. House was clean. How I slept that late (11 AM) I will never know (and through the noise of the vacuum too).

Kids got back and started in on me. I did passive-agressive stuff like turning off the lights and television when I left the room (I was the only one there, RIGHT?)

I haven't had to wake up difficult child 1 since (with two exceptions, and she had good reason both times - SICK!) husband wakes up difficult child 2.

Then I find out that that is called detaching. Your difficult child and husband don't get that you are their glue. Besides, difficult child needs to learn how to deal with life. You can't always do it for him.

Whatever you do, don't put up with being treated that way. By any of them. Go do something for you.

 

[Shari]

KJS, I am so sorry.

I think you've gotten some great advice, and I hope you do go on strike. And let husband and difficult child see you having fun for you! Leave the house if you have to, hang out at a friends, go sit on the flor at barnes and noble and read for days. Anything that A) makes you happy and B) makes them see you happy.

Hugs.

My armor is a little beat up this week, but I'll lend it to you, anyway.

 

[totoro]

Sending you my armor as well. Keep it up, keep quitting.
Great advice from the others

 

[Star*]

I think quitting our childrens bad behaviors is a lot like trying to quit any bad habit. In part I think we try/fail, try/fail, try/fail and then either detach from their behaviors because we have gone though counseling and have learned how to make ourselves happy OR out of desperation we turn our backs on our kids because they are literally killing us and some magical autopilot parent kicks in. The latter isn't a healthy alternative for anyone but you don't have to look far to find a parent that has literally given up on their child, shut down and refuses to speak and work out their differences. A lot of families have this method because they aren't able to learn how to agree to disagree or give 50% or come to some agreement that won't let them ruin being around each other for fear of loosing an argument or point that has become a literal snowball. Mountains/molehills that sort of thing.

In your home? There is no negotiator. There is no one that I can see that is saying = Okay - YOU to a neutral corner and YOU to a neutral corner, take a breath, or an hour, or a day - and we'll come back and revisit this particular issue. Mostly that doesn't happen because difficult child's are all RIGHT NOW kinds of people. In their minds they feel their needs must be met NOW NOW NOW - so there is no time for negotiations or bending. My way or the highway. And as a parent you're standing there thinking - Look jerk...no means NO. And it should just be like the King and I? Let it be written let it be done. And it can be better - but you really haven't gotten to that part of the fun stuff in therapy yet to learn how to avert his moods, or stand firm in your NO's, and you're not far along enough yet to have a really thick hide, but you will. IT takes PRACTICE.

And the lovely thing about continuing therapy is that everyone goes and things - OKAY it's going bad, now good, now bad, now good - and what you dont' realize is that before you went - you only knew it could be bad, bad good. SO you're changing the rythm of your family dynamics.....IF everyone participates. If they do NOT - and YOU kjs keep going? Then what you are going to get out of all of this is the ability to draw a line in the sand and say what you mean and mean what you say. Currently you're sending mixed signals.

YOu don't want to talk to him, parent him and now he's grinning - but you asked when he's coming home. BALONEY! Stop asking. You've stated that you are worried about him riding in a car. Did you bring this up with your therapist in family session? DId you move to add it to your list of house rules? NO RIDING IN A CAR WITH ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 21 - period. Breaking this rule? 1 month delay on him getting HIS temp/license at the age of 15. He keeps whining and manipulating you with his BUT EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT - and you're caving in. My answer would be "Uh huh -OH...okay I see - no." and then NO arguments. Being 14 and riding in a car with the boys who are prone to drinking and smoking - is a HUGE NONO. PERIOD.

So he wants to sleep over at a freinds because it's HIS Spring Break. Well what did he get done on his chore list to BE REWARDED to have a sleepover? Nothing? Did you check the chore list for Thursday? What was he supposed to do? Did he do it? What were the consequences? How is he supposed to know what's expected out of him if it's not in black and white. Had I been talking to a neighbor - and my son came to me, interrupted me, and then made demands - and backsassed me? Sister - the tears would have flowed a lot more - OMG how embarassing. At 14 he knows better - THE RULE SHOULD BE - WHen I am talking to another adult YOU are to be....WHERE? NOT STANDING HERE INTERRUPTING ME - now if you want me to talk to you later I'd suggest you get in the house and go do your CHORES.....

And you're upset he hates you. OMG - BY A SHOW OF HANDS - (me putting up a pair or 3 extra from other people) how many of us had lived with a difficult child that said I HATE YOUR GUTS....and told all their friends I HATE MY MOM - ?????? Yeah - I would say - THEN I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT.

You need to find your Groove Stella - I'm serious - YOu need to rise to that place where when this kid says something to you thats hurtful or ugly and makes you want to cry - YOU =instead grow a hide and say something like "Uh huh....wow - well you won't be doing THAT now." and walk off - like it doesn't bother you. AT ALL.

If these kids think that they are getting to us one little bit they OWN us. Like = your saying "I QUIT" and then askign "When is he going to be home." START ACTING LIKE YOU DO NOT CARE. Doesn't mean you don't love him - just means that you have a nare do well complex......

He comes to you next week and says "I need money for lunch" you say "Gosh me too - but I don't hand over my hard earned money to someone who hates me - you're on your own. OH and the little debbies are locked up -" He comes to you at night and says "I need a ride to the library." YOu say "And I need to go check the drain in the shower for hairballs." and get up and leave the room. He stands in the middle of somewhere and throws a tantrum.....YOU? WALK AWAY and say "Wonder who's kid THAT is how immature."

THEN - talk about it with your therapist - if you're going to quit - QUIT = scare the hades out of them both. If you and hubby are getting along -= at this point? Do for him. IF son comes to you and says "I needa" Say nothing.....walk away. Or say "I don't speak to people who treat me like carp." and do NOT engage him further in an argument. JUST WALK AWAY.

Right now - I hate to be the one to tell you this - but your son is doing a very lame job of divide and conquer. He's got DADDY riding the rail for him and since YOU have been the one to dish out the discipline? He's figured out a way to push you out of the picture and be a wild child. If you don't address this in therapy now and nip it in the bud - you'll be sorry. I say it's a lame job because he's SO obvious with his intentions.....amateur at best.....so this tells ME that there is hope - you just have to KNOW how to level this kids playing field - and bring the game........

SO GET BUSY GIRL AND BRING IT

any therapist worth their MOrton salt can tell you how to achieve success with this. ANd if your husband is NOT going to get on board......then maybe you need to reevaluate YOUR Life and how miserable YOU are going to allow YOURSELF to get and what your plans will be a year from now.

Hugs
STar

 

[KTMom91]

Hugs, Kjs.

You can have my rhino skin...I'm not using it right now. Stay strong.

 

[gcvmom]

Star, very eloquently said.

 

[Wiped Out]

Kjs,
I'm sorry for your pain. I definitely am a member of the "I hate you Club" from my children and that is some of the nicer things they have said. I know it hurts but I've built up my rhino skin so your welcome to share. There have been times when I've cried but I try to just say calm and often use one of Linda's favorite replies, "thanks for sharing". Then I try to move on to another conversation or if I am feeling close to tears, which isn't often anymore, then I try to keep up a good front until I can get somewhere private where they won't know I'm crying.

I know my difficult child feels I've ruined his life. Last week he said, "Dad, why did you ever marry mom?" He doesn't like me to give him hugs yet husband is allowed to hug him all the time. He even called husband back one day as husband was leaving school after walking in his medications. He called him back to ask for a goodbye kiss. Does this hurt? Sure to an extent. However, I know I am not ruining his life, I know I am doing the best I can, I know I am the one who does most of the disciplining (although husband supports me on it). I refuse to take on the guilt and ownership of this. It isn't always easy either as I was raised on Catholic guilt

I never yell back although at times I've been known to say, "Well I love you, but right now I don't like your actions very much at all."

I really love my therapist because she is so good at helping me with all of the things with difficult child (and easy child for that matter). Mostly I get support from the wise people here on the board.

The others are right about having them see you be happy. Do some nice things for you kjs, you so deserve them. Sending some flowers to brighten your day

 

[timer lady]

Star hit it right on......

Now you need to "stop caring" to his antics & "terms of endearments" as you will. My favorite with kt & wm spewing anger or whatever at me is "thank you for sharing" or "I appreciate knowing that" & I leave the room.

When asked later for something or another I let the tweedles know that while I love them I didn't appreciate their "antics" & needed the the time to recharge my batteries......or like Star reply that if I ruined their lives or am so hated why would they come to me for something?

Kjs, you're the parent ~ not this difficult children friend. The last place you want to be is trying to please or appease your difficult child. Then all control as a parent has been lost.

Hope you have a better day. by the way, outdoors at the time of day in pjs without some major illness would have me treating my children the age their acting - 5. Five y/o's don't get sleepovers, don't have access to a cell phone, etc. Manners must be learned about interrupting adults, etc.

Teen years be darned - this is about respect & responsibility. There are many teens who don't turn into monsters because they are teens. I think it's a myth that's been multiplied by the "powers that be".

 

[ML]

I haven't read responses so I apologize if I repeat what has already been said which is likely because it's so crystal clear. The decision to "give up" is a victory, not a defeat. This is the first step in detachment. You are on your way! Now try not to take the control back. Let husband handle it. Let him fail, or heck it's not totally impossible that he may even have some success. It's time to let husband take this, at least for a period of time that you agree upon, say 3 months. During this time you completely detach. Try not to ask husband too many questions because that is a form of control and your well being just can't go there. Accept your powerlessness over this, at least for now and just concentrate on KJS! Emmerse yourself in literature like CoD No More and take long walks and bubble baths. Try to give over your worries to your higher power and just "be" for a while. My friend KJS is a wonderful person and I'm glad you will be spending some time with her.

Love, ML

 

[lizzie09]

Coninue to look after yourself...like Wipeout.. and as I have said before,,,
I am a member of the I hate mum club and it kills me at times!

The time has come to detach...there was a link here to detachment I copied not oo long ago,but its hard to impliment. Look it up if you havent
seen it.

Sending you lots of good wishes like everyone else here....know you have
the support of people who fully understand

 

[Kjs]

deep breath. It is really hard to let go of my son. I don't remember it being this difficult with easy child. But then again I didn't have any of these issues. And easy child was 12 when difficult child was born.

To see him and know I can't walk up and hug him. Or know he won't go anywhere with me. It kills me. I always look forward to school ending. I am - but I am really afraid of what this summer will bring.

 

[jbrain]

Hi KJS,
one thing to keep in mind--most teenage boys would die of embarrassment if their mom came up and hugged them. My easy child son told me a bunch of rules one time when I was going to watch him in an intramural basketball game: "Do not yell if I make a shot, do not wave to me, do not talk to me." In other words, act as if I did not know him. I didn't take it personally, I actually thought it was funny, and I "obeyed" his rules.

He is 24 now, tells me he loves me, will hug me (well, he lives 3000 miles away but when I do see him he does) etc. He is very respectful and affectionate, has been since he was about 21.

Neither of your sons is going to want to spend time with you if you are too needy and clingy. They really need to see that you are not depending on them for your happiness and well being. I imagine difficult child feels suffocated by your love and he is at an age when he needs to be asserting independence. Don't worry, he will come back to you and he will come back quicker if you let him go.

So, congrats on "quitting"! Hope you really do follow through.

Jane

 

[C.J.]

I am a charter member of the "I hate my caring, involved, competent, wears-her-heart-on-her-sleeve Mother's Club".

Detaching takes time and practice.

I cry now when difficult child does something that makes me proud of her.

Ditto all the others who have advised some time for yourself. Take it.