It's not easy.
Heather, I also agree, I think you;ve been doing too much. But also, you're doing it with a sense of, "This is my job. I HAVE to do this. I HAVE to work hard to be a good mother."
I think you're driving yourself into the ground, especially given your health problems. But more than that - you're doing it with an attitude of combined resentment, and desperation. You feel you have to do this or be seen as an unfit mother (possibly you are concerned because your health problems make it difficult and you feel guilty - don't) and then it doesn't get valued or appreciated. So your eventual aim, to have her independent and contributing, looks like zero progress infinitely into the future.
Very disheartening.
We trained our kids to pitch in and to a certain extent we had success. husband is unhappy at the moment because he feels difficult child 3 is not pulling his weight and I think he is right - but I also think we have to move him along slowly, at his pace, or he won't "get it".
Each of our kids has been different, in how they took this independence stuff on board and in how they pitched in. We did have a bonus on the "child as carer for disabled parent" stuff - there is a mob in Sydney called Carers NSW. They have a branch called Young Carers. In fact, easy child was involved from the very beginning. They sent the kids on camps where they got the chance to do fun stuff they would normally have missed out on; they met other kids who were also carers for different reasons, they had counselling at these cams as well. They talked to one another, they compared notes. It was marvellous. Of course this didn't mean that all these kids were model citizens working selflessly, constantly, to support a disabled family member. A lot of them were also difficult children and a few went off the rails, ran away from home and became street kids on drugs. I met some of the families and while most of them were genuinely needy, there were some who I felt were just not trying (and interestingly, it was mostly these who later had problems with their kids). [An aside - our two girls have now married guys they met at Young Carers camps]
The networking helped. That's why this site is so good - we support one another, we kick ideas around.
Now, you haven't got that. A pity. But I'm telling you - these kids DO feel resentment for the slightest thing, which they will blame on you and your health, when in any other household they would be expected to do as much just to learn independence, and NOT feel resentful for helping.
What I'm saying - DON'T FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING UNWELL and needing help.
Help is what we all do in a family. husband needs someone to hold the end of a board he's sawing - he calls for someone to help. I need help raking leaves and carrying what I rake to the compost - I call for help. We need help running fallen timber through the woodchipper - difficult child 3 is there like a shot, to help (his favourite job).difficult child 3 needs help with something - we have to be there for him too, just as we expect him to be there for us. But we make it clear - in this family, we help one another. We work as a team. Ask them - what position do you play on the family team?
Now, each member of the team is different. In the same way, our kids are all different.
I did my utmost to teach ALL my kids to cook, to sew, to do laundry. OK, easy child can do laundry. That's about it. She's been fairly useless at everything else. She's hamfisted, she would force something (and break it) rather than find a better, safer way. She's changed more now since she left home, but I despaired of her. She got around the cooking problems by marrying a guy who is a great cook. After all, SIL1 was sole carer for his partial quadriplegic mother from the age of 5, he's had to cope. But he also has taught easy child a lot about cooking and NOW she will ask me for recipes occasionally.
difficult child 1 - a boy. But he learned to use the sewing machine too. He still does occasionally bring stuff to mend and will go repair it on my machine. Or sew up some leather for his current favourite hobby, medieval warfare. He unpicked the stitching on an old pair of my sheepskin boots I gave him, to make a lining for his helmet.
Now, to how we cope at home - what has worked best (and appears to be what you are doing to a certain extent when asking for help with your bed) is, I would get them to work alongside me. This works best especially for difficult child 3. He needs to see how it is helping NOW, directly, when he gets actively involved. For example he hates doing the washing up but the other night he desperately needed husband's help with something on the computer. I said to difficult child 3, "Dad is really tired and has a very limited amount of time and energy tonight. He has to make a choice - do the washing up, or help you. he can't do both, and the wash-up has to be done."
difficult child 3 then VOLUNTEERED to do the washing up, in order to give his dad a chance to help him with the computer. So while husband worked on the computer, difficult child 3 got the washing up dealt with.
This also requires baby steps. If a kid has been really stubborn and 'helpless' about doing anything, it's easy for us to either throw in the towel completely and let the kid know what it's REALLY like to have to look after yourself completely; or otherwise, we tend to step in and take over with an impatient, "For pete's sake, I'll do it!" I know husband especially has to fight this, because he knows he can do the job perfectly and exactly how he wants it; after the kid has done it, husband will probably have to do it over, PLUS clean up the mistakes. And when your energy is limited, you don't want to waste it on fighting the kids.
So what we've found in our household - we have certain patterns of family behaviour. I cook the dinner, husband washes up. Or gets someone else to take a turn. Once a week (Sunday night at the moment) I get some washing on. I get home help on a Monday morning and she hangs out the washing for me. So Sunday night, I get all my ducks in a row and get the washing started. First to go in - all the washing that has made it to the laundry. I then go check the usual deposition places - usually outside bedroom doors. I then announce, "I am now doing the washing. Anything not in the laundry will miss out."
This gives people the chance to do a mad scramble and get their laundry together.
Often the first load is on and running and people come to me and whine, "You started before i was ready!"
The moral is - BE ready. The laundry tub is there all week, a waiting receptacle.
A big problem with laundry and Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids - they don't like changing clothes. So I often have had to chase the boys for underwear. difficult child 1 would often quote a favourite book character (a very old barbarian hero who only wore a leather loincloth in all weathers) "Why change? Good leather don't rot for years!"
Often by the time difficult child 1's underwear made it to the laundry it was only fit for the compost heap. Same with socks.
If what I was presented with in the laundry was too objectionable, it wouldn't get washed with everything else and I would call the owner to the laundry for a lesson in decontamination. All the raw materials are in the laundry, labelled. The same technique is always the starting point - vinegar. Spray smelly clothing liberally with white vinegar. It doesn't matter if it dries again.
If the clothing is really bad, then they had to get a bucket and half-fill it with warm water. Then toss in, and stir, some enzyme soaker or pre-wash soaker. Add the vinegared clothing and agitate with a plunger thingie we have (turns the bucket into a giant coffee plunger). Leave to soak. Rinse the next day. Remark on the ghastly colour of the water (that really is something the grotty boys love to do - I've had them take photos of it).
Never hot wash. It only cooks in the stains and smells. Warm wash only if you must, to shift bad oil stains.
I would involve the kids in this. If it was their precious clothing, they had their own investment to make in it.
With the clothing allowance - we did this also. For us the limit was $200 a kid, but that was in Aussie dollars. And we never gave them the money and let them go spend - easy child did this once when she had her suitcase stolen with her sleeping bag, best clothing etc from a Young Carers camp; her stuff was in a parked car when the group stopped off at a cafe in the city. She had been collected late to camp, everyone else's stuff was already at the camp site. Their insurance paid up but sent the cheque to easy child in her name. She chased it then went on a shopping spree at an expensive boutique. She overspent and did not reimburse us for the lost sleeping bag or the lost camera or the lost suitcase. So we went back to the store, explained the situation, they took back most of the clothing (still in the bags with tags) and we took easy child shopping more carefully.
We found we had to take the kids shopping and supervise or they would want unsuitable clothing, or not buy carefully. We took the approach you do when dishing out food on plates for a large group - you allocate a sponful at a time all round, rather than dishing up "Here's your serve" and finding you've run out and have to call someone back to scoop some off their plate. You can't generally do that with clothes shopping.
So we would allow ONE pair of jeans IF they could show they had NO jeans that fit. Underwear - 10 pairs. They had to have at least 7 days' supply, since we only wash once a week. And only one G-string, for the girls to wear with their dance costumes only. One shirt/blouse/ One sweater. Then we see what they still want and how much money is left. And as you said, Step - op-shops and hand-me-downs suddenly became very popular because the kids realised they could pad their wardrobe enormously for the same dollars. Plus you can acquire some gems that way, as well as adapt something and personalise it.
easy child 2/difficult child 2 bought a coat on sale. It was on sale because it had a sort of bubble hem which nobody liked. It really looked awful. But easy child 2/difficult child 2 painstakingly unpicked the hem and flattened it out. She then stitched it back together and now it flared beautifully; but the lining didn't fit. So she carefully cut a small swatch and took it shopping, found a remnant of lining taffeta the right colour and brought it home. She made gussets from the remnant and fitted it into the lining so it now sat neatly against the new, flared, coat. And all her friends asked where she got that cool coat from!
Something else I have done - whenever jeans get too ripped or the girls turn them into sawn-offs, I keep the scraps and use them to patch other jeans. Again, I would involve the kids in this so they learn how to patch clothing. We use a three-step zig-zag stitch to hold a patch in place. if the kid wants the tear to be a fashion addition to the clothing, we patch from inside. In which case, if the patch is to be fashionable, we sometimes use a contrasting fabric. When difficult child 1 was younger and wearing through the knees in his grey school uniform trousers WITHIN A DAY I patched them with leather. I taught the kids to do this for themselves but would generally supervise - there are tricks they need to know. And easy child was always useless at this, worse by far than either of her brothers.
We have taught our kids various skills not just in chores, but in hobbies. husband & easy child 2/difficult child 2 would often sit side by side in the evening knitting - CHAIN MAIL! This required winding fencing wire around a long nail, using either a hacksaw or tin snips to cut the loops free then using forceps to clamp the rings closed in a pattern.
I've been doing more conventional knitting and offered to teach the kids, the boys especially. easy child 2/difficult child 2 knitted a scarf, she began knitting it when we were on holiday in Tasmania, five years ago. A couple of weeks ago I dropped in and was sitting there casting off my own knitting, and easy child 2/difficult child 2 said to me, "Mum, will you teach me again to cast off? I think my scarf is long enough now!"
She'd kept on knitting because she didn't know how to cast off!
But we have to remember - baby steps. And working together.
Ignore the whining, the whinging and "My mother is abusive" crud.
A story that holds me together at times is one form my childhood, one told at Sunday School.
A boy was asked by his mother to rake the leaves and mow the lawn. He did the job but felt a bit resentful; his friend would do this chore for the neighbour and the neighbour would pay him. He felt his mother should pay him to do this too. So when he had finished and put the tools away, he sat down and wrote out an invoice.
"RAKING - $2
MOWING - $5
CLEANING TOOLS - $5
TOTAL - $12"
He folded the note and put it by his mother's plate on the dinner table.
His mother found the note, opened it, read it and put it in her pocket. She didn't say a word.
Next morning at breakfast the boy found a note by his plate.
"WASHING YOUR CLOTHES - $5 a week
MENDING YOUR CLOTHES - $5 a week
COOKING YOUR MEALS - $15 a day
WASHING UP - $5 a day
NURSING YOU WHEN YOU ARE SICK - $10 each time
TAXI SERVICE - $1 a mile
GROCERY SHOPPING - $10 a week
TOTAL - more than you can ever repay
Son - I do this because I am your mother and I love you."
And there is another moral to this story - never try to bluff your mother with a low pair, when she has a full house.
Marg
