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I really don't want to do this anymore !!!!!!
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 677009" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Good morning soooo tired. I'm so sorry. This stuff is the hardest stuff in the world and it seems to go on forever.</p><p></p><p>You are getting good thinking from the others who have posted. </p><p></p><p>Isn't it ironic and kind of strange that the hardest thing in the world to actually do....is Stop. To do nothing. You would think that would be the easiest thing...doing nothing...but when it comes to people we love so very much, it's the hardest thing.</p><p></p><p>How do you do it? It sounds like that's your question. How in the world does someone detach from someone we love so very much and who is basically going down the tubes, from our perspective?</p><p></p><p>I can only tell you that for me, it took actual work. I mean like studying for a college course. I had to allocate time every single day over a period of months and years to change the way I think. I had to study. I had to go to meetings (Al-Anon). I had to spend money to go to therapy. I had to write in a journal. I had to read and read and read. I had to post here. </p><p></p><p>(Aside: Actually you ARE helping all of us when you post your thoughts and feelings, no matter what they are, because it helps us by responding to you. So you ARE helping other people, right now).</p><p></p><p>So...if you are willing to start studying and spending at least 1 hour every single day working on this, as a primary commitment in your life, you will start to change.</p><p></p><p>The change will likely be slow, and it won't feel very good. Because your feelings---fear, frustration, disappointment, etc.---all of those feelings will continue.</p><p></p><p>You will have to "act as if." In other words, you will have to separate your feelings from your actions. That is more hard work. Lie down and cry and rant and rave if you need to...and then get up and go to work doing the things I have described.</p><p></p><p>That is how I did it. My son was a train wreck, homeless, in jail, doing drugs...it was awful. He was out on the street within two miles of my house, and I wouldn't let him come here. It was awful. It was the most painful and wrenching thing I have ever been through and it went on for literally years. So I get it. I know the feelings and they are powerful.</p><p></p><p>But at some point, I was completely sick and tired. I was sick of him, sick of myself, and sick of my life which centered around obsessing about him. I was done. I knew I couldn't keep on living like that, and nothing was changing anyway. I had no positive reinforcement to keep going down that road. I was convinced, by the passing of time, that My Best Efforts Were in Vain.</p><p></p><p>That helped me decided to do something different. </p><p></p><p>Soooo tired...if you are really really ready and are completely sick and tired...start today. Start by devoting time to your own life and your own recovery. Sit down with an Al-Anon book and read it for one hour. Find the meeting times in your town and plan to go to one tomorrow or the next day. Order a book from Amazon like CoDependent No More or Boundaries or another good one. Write in a journal (online or paper or whatever). Keep it clear and keep it simple.</p><p></p><p>You will start to find that the mere act of spending time on YOU instead of HER will start to move the needle of your life. </p><p></p><p>When we are not focused on ourselves, but are obsessed with other people, that is not healthy for us or for them. As mothers, we are likely to think more of them than we do of ourselves. Again, out of balance and not healthy.</p><p></p><p>Today, I call this the 51%/49% rule. I am 51% and he is 49%. That means I put myself a nudge ahead of him. I decide what I need first, today, but believe me, it took me a long time to get to this point and a lot of hard work and lonely, fearful times. </p><p></p><p>I am eternally grateful to be in this place today. I do believe that my getting out of the way of my son helped him find the space and wherewithal to start changing his life. If I had kept being overly involved with him, I don't think he would have had that chance.</p><p></p><p>There is no guarantee that she will ever change. There is no guarantee that your grandchild will be okay, but there is no guarantee that your grandchild will not be okay. You will have to do whatever you decide to do about the grandchild, but that is really a separate thing (in my mind). </p><p></p><p>You have to learn how to let go of your 39-year-old daughter. It's time. She is a grown woman with the right to make her own choices, whatever they are. Let her go. </p><p></p><p>We're here for you, throughout this. We so understand the depth of this. Please keep sharing and let us know how we can keep on helping you. Warm hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 677009, member: 17542"] Good morning soooo tired. I'm so sorry. This stuff is the hardest stuff in the world and it seems to go on forever. You are getting good thinking from the others who have posted. Isn't it ironic and kind of strange that the hardest thing in the world to actually do....is Stop. To do nothing. You would think that would be the easiest thing...doing nothing...but when it comes to people we love so very much, it's the hardest thing. How do you do it? It sounds like that's your question. How in the world does someone detach from someone we love so very much and who is basically going down the tubes, from our perspective? I can only tell you that for me, it took actual work. I mean like studying for a college course. I had to allocate time every single day over a period of months and years to change the way I think. I had to study. I had to go to meetings (Al-Anon). I had to spend money to go to therapy. I had to write in a journal. I had to read and read and read. I had to post here. (Aside: Actually you ARE helping all of us when you post your thoughts and feelings, no matter what they are, because it helps us by responding to you. So you ARE helping other people, right now). So...if you are willing to start studying and spending at least 1 hour every single day working on this, as a primary commitment in your life, you will start to change. The change will likely be slow, and it won't feel very good. Because your feelings---fear, frustration, disappointment, etc.---all of those feelings will continue. You will have to "act as if." In other words, you will have to separate your feelings from your actions. That is more hard work. Lie down and cry and rant and rave if you need to...and then get up and go to work doing the things I have described. That is how I did it. My son was a train wreck, homeless, in jail, doing drugs...it was awful. He was out on the street within two miles of my house, and I wouldn't let him come here. It was awful. It was the most painful and wrenching thing I have ever been through and it went on for literally years. So I get it. I know the feelings and they are powerful. But at some point, I was completely sick and tired. I was sick of him, sick of myself, and sick of my life which centered around obsessing about him. I was done. I knew I couldn't keep on living like that, and nothing was changing anyway. I had no positive reinforcement to keep going down that road. I was convinced, by the passing of time, that My Best Efforts Were in Vain. That helped me decided to do something different. Soooo tired...if you are really really ready and are completely sick and tired...start today. Start by devoting time to your own life and your own recovery. Sit down with an Al-Anon book and read it for one hour. Find the meeting times in your town and plan to go to one tomorrow or the next day. Order a book from Amazon like CoDependent No More or Boundaries or another good one. Write in a journal (online or paper or whatever). Keep it clear and keep it simple. You will start to find that the mere act of spending time on YOU instead of HER will start to move the needle of your life. When we are not focused on ourselves, but are obsessed with other people, that is not healthy for us or for them. As mothers, we are likely to think more of them than we do of ourselves. Again, out of balance and not healthy. Today, I call this the 51%/49% rule. I am 51% and he is 49%. That means I put myself a nudge ahead of him. I decide what I need first, today, but believe me, it took me a long time to get to this point and a lot of hard work and lonely, fearful times. I am eternally grateful to be in this place today. I do believe that my getting out of the way of my son helped him find the space and wherewithal to start changing his life. If I had kept being overly involved with him, I don't think he would have had that chance. There is no guarantee that she will ever change. There is no guarantee that your grandchild will be okay, but there is no guarantee that your grandchild will not be okay. You will have to do whatever you decide to do about the grandchild, but that is really a separate thing (in my mind). You have to learn how to let go of your 39-year-old daughter. It's time. She is a grown woman with the right to make her own choices, whatever they are. Let her go. We're here for you, throughout this. We so understand the depth of this. Please keep sharing and let us know how we can keep on helping you. Warm hugs. [/QUOTE]
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