I really lost it

[Wiped Out]

this morning with easy child.

She has been so rude, so disrespectful, and just plain nasty. This morning I told her I turned on the computer so she could print out whatever she was working on last night. Long story, short, she was just facebooking. She knows she is way behind on homework and needs to get caught up. She is so doggone passive aggressive. It drives me crazy. When I said something to her she blew up and said some really nasty mean stuff and I lost it.

I asked husband if he could drive her to school which meant he had to take both difficult child and her-not a fun ride. I screamed (which is something I don't do often but I had had it), told her I didn't want her in the car with me, that if she was going to be so rude all the time (and it is most of the time) she could just ride with dad (unfortunately I was also crying-I hate that when I'm mad that happens). I told her if she keeps this up I was done driving her. Of course, she wouldn't mind that but it means riding with difficult child and getting there late.

She had an old fashioned meltdown. Crying and screaming over and over that she wanted me to drive her. She just wanted to go to school. She blocked me from leaving for awhile. I went in the house and sat down.

Then she started getting even more mean, calling me names and saying all sorts of horrible things.

I told her I would still pick her up for her dr. appointment this morning. She said she wasn't going if I wasn't driving her to school. I said fine but I would come to her classroom and that would end up embarrassing her. She ended up coming out.

I feel bad but I'm just done with being treated like dirt. I know I probably way overreacted but it was like the straw that broke the camel's back. I also felt bad for husband because it's extra stress for him to drive both.


Arghh!

 

[nvts]

Uh-oh, you're human!

Listen, you can only put up with so much for so long. Mine haven't even hit hormone level (9,8 & 6) yet and the other day I had to stop myself from screaming at the top of my lungs "shut the eff up"!!!!

I would have had to write it 100 times.

Try standing there when she's going off and when she's saying things that are offensive to you, just look her square in the eye, thank her for her opinion, and walk away. Five bucks says she follows you from room to room, saying worse stuff, so then look her square in the eye, thank her for her opinion and don't give her a reaction, and walk away repeating to yourself "this will make her crazier than she is driving me". After a few trips to a few rooms, look her square in the eye, and say "I've listened to your opinion, I disagree, however you have broken the rule of this house which is to follow the commandment "honor thy father and mother". Once you calm down, we will discuss this in a civilized manner."

Let her know once you do discuss it that there are penalties associated with what she did. No facebook until she's up to date AND she's responsible for laundry or dishes or something that 's mostly YOUR chores since she insulted you.

No emotion, no upset, no angry reaction. Matter-of-fact.

You'll win. You'll win.

Don't worry, you showed her that you've had enough of her guff. Teenagers look for you to set limits. You pretty much let her know yours in no uncertain terms!

Bravo for being a very human warrior mom!

Feel better and many hugs!

Beth

 

[Hound dog]

Sharon

I don't see why you think you went overboard. Cuz I'd have really gone overboard. Not even my difficult child's dare say mean and nasty things to me. Maybe it's not popular these days but I'd knock em in the middle of next week, and they know it. Honestly, I think you reacted the way any person would. And easy child needs to learn you can't treat people that way and expect them to want to do for you. Even when it's "just Mom". Real life doesn't work that way and it's best she learn now.

Thankfully, since she is a easy child........This too shall pass. But I'm still wondering why on earth people warn you about the so called Terrible Two's when the Terrible Teen's are a houndred times worse!

I hope easy child snaps out of the attitude soon.

(((hugs)))

 

[KTMom91]

Sending hugs and a giant helping of peace and quiet. I know what it's like...and it is not fun at all.

 

[hearts and roses]

Ugh, 14 year old girls are the absolute worst.

Sending lots of support and hugs. Hang in there.

 

[amazeofgrace]

do you ever find yourself asking "what about me", lately that's all I hear in my head

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry the morning was so rough. I wouldn't be driving her either. Is there a bus she can take?? It would be one of my child's choices.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[Star*]

OKAY GOOD _ YOU ARE DONE BEING TREATED LIKE DIRT.

NOW WHAT IS YOUR PLAN TO MOVE ON??????

Can we help? I'm so good with planning.

Hugs - I told someone today that I would rather raise 5 boys at the same time than one pretty princess. Apparently I have no patience for girls bs.

So ........what is the next step ?

 

[flutterbee]

Teenagers. Ugh. 'Nuff said.

 

[KateM]

Sharon, I don't think you over-reacted. Teen girls can be so tough to deal with.

My easy child is an absolute joy most times, but she's had her moments --esp between the ages of 13-15.

You are a very patient mom but everyone has their limits! Here's to a better day today!

 

[Fran]

I don't think you over reacted. Maybe a tad overly emotional. I understand the tears when I'm so darn frustrated.
No one should be treated like dirt and called horrid names. Especially by children. Did she learn this tactic from difficult child? Once it starts it's hard to stop them as something that is unacceptable. If difficult child gets to do it, then it's acceptable I guess.

Back to what to do? Have a plan. It will happen again. Know what you will do when it happens and it will be much less emotional for you and probably much more productive in curbing her behavior.

I'd think if you taped her behavior and showed it to her in a calmer moment she would see how ugly she really was acting.

Just because she is your easy child doesn't really mean perfect. My easy child puts me through my paces also.

 

[donna723]

Ummm, Sharon? Is there one of those large, yellow, cracker-box shaped publicly owned vehicles that comes anywhere near your house in the mornings? Not every kid has the privilege of riding to school in the comfort of their parents personal vehicle! That's a "luxury" you are providing and you don't really owe her a ride to school every day! A few days of riding the school bus with the "riff raff" can be a very humbling experience! Remember "Ferris Bueller"?

A lot of what you said sounded very much like my own daughter when she was that age. Of course I was known as the absolute meanest of the mean mommas, but if she had talked to me like that (and she did!) that's exactly where she would have found herself!

 

[slsh]

Oh Sharon - sending you many gentle hugs!!!

I hate that crying thing. It seems to me that people ignore any other valid thing I might be saying if I'm crying (yeah, I used to be *real* effective in IEP meetings - me and my weeping eyes, LOL).

You know what? easy child is old enough to get this. If she treated peers like she treats you, she'd have zero friends. If husband treated you like she does, you'd be gone in a heartbeat. This is basic human decency. You are not worthy of less decent treatment because you're her mom (OK, that's probably a stretch getting a teen to acknowledge it but ... it bears repeating to her, often).

There is *absolutely* no reason for you to feel bad. Sounds like she crossed the line with wild abandon. Honestly, you are such a dear lady - it hurts my heart to think she would speak to you like this.

A gentle hug to you again.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

So sorry Sharon.

Teenaged girls should be sent away until age 19. The snippy mouths make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. Argh.

 

[timer lady]

Sharon,

I don't believe you lost. I think you have finally expressed your utter frustration at the lack of respect you are receiving from easy child. Whether she's learned this from difficult child isn't the point...... she doesn't have the same diagnosis's or issues as difficult child. She knows better.

Really don't care that she's a 14 y/o girl....again she knows better. We're pushing kt for the utmost respect ..... puberty doesn't get to play into this. Nor does PMS. We will work with kt through those things. We will not accept a lack of respect.

I'm glad you stood your ground..

I like the idea of the bus! It worked for me & I turned into a fine human being. :irock:

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Sharon,

I think I understand how you feel - My easy child will be 14 in less than a month. I feel like a monster has taken the place of my kind, caring daughter. I think your easy child got what she deserved. I agree with the others that no child should talk to their parents using nasty language. I wouldn't put up with it from my easy child either!!!

I've been trying to stay totally neutral when dealing with my easy child. I'm actually adopting the methods I have to use with my difficult children. I find that staying calm, showing no emotion, and ignoring what I can (for example her eye rolling), helps a bit. However, I can't say that I am able to follow my own advice perfectly!!! easy child has a way of just getting under my skin that even my difficult children can't do. I've lost it too.

However, I think it is ok if we lose it every now and then. We are human beings too. We deserve to be treated with at least the amount of respect our teen daughters would show a stranger on the street. In fact, I've told easy child this more than once. Too bad it goes in one ear and out the other!!!

I think we'll need to have a HUGE cyber party when our PCs are out of their teen years!!! Until then, vent anytime you need to. We're always here for you.

I hope today is a better day. WFEN

 

[Abbey]

Hon, you acted like any HUMAN would act. Don't sweat it. What I would suggest is in a calm time (haha...like there are those) sit and discuss what happened and why she reacted the way she did, and you reacted the way you did. Then, find a plan that will prevent this from happening in the future. I know this is easier to say than do.

Abbey

 

[TerryJ2]

I know the feeling. So sorry.
Any plans for the future?

 

[Wiped Out]

Thank you everyone! You are all such a great support!


For all of you who suggested the bus I'm trying to work on that. Since she doesn't go to her local school it is a long drive. The bus would be well over an hour with lots of transfers and it would be a regular city bus which at times in our city have not been the safest.

I have thought about driving her to my school and having her take a bus from there-no transfers. husband and I have also told her if the homework doesn't start getting done we will consider having her go to her home high school and then there would be a bus for her to take.

husband said he talked to her but gets frustrated because she never takes any ownership over anything she does. She is the most stubborn person I have ever met. From the time she was little til now. When she was younger and taking karate lessons she wanted to drop out. We told her no because we had signed a contract because she wanted us to. We stuck to our guns and for two years she complained every time she had to go. You would think by now she would get the idea that she needs to honor commitments but nope not stubborn girl.

She knows we follow through on things and it doesn't seem to matter to her.

difficult child gets a consequence when he speaks to us like that so while she may have heard things from him, she also sees him getting consequences.

I really appreciate each and everyone of your responses and am totally open to any and all suggestions (Star-you said you are good at the planning thing )

So far the plan is:

1. Any more talking or tantrums like that she will have to ride with husband and difficult child which will make her late. or

2. Because it is such a pain for husband to have to deal with both kids and really inconveniencing him and not her as much I will drive her to my school, let her walk to the bus stop, and then take the bus.

I'm a bit uncertain of number two because she could cause a big scene at my school.

I've also told her as far as the whole sneaking the facebook thing that summer is coming up she is going to have to lose it for a few weeks when I know she won't need it for homework.

I don't know if I should be worried about pushing things too hard because of her depression but I do feel she still needs parameters.

Again, thank you all, you have no idea how much better I feel reading your responses. You are the best!

And yes, WFEN-we will need a cyber party when our easy child are out of their teenage years!