I really need strength

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Feb 4, 2009.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Two weeks no fighting. i was really trying. I did lay down the rules two weeks ago, and sternly reminded him.

    I HAVE many times very strongly stated, "You will NOT speak to me that way". sometimes repeated that over and over. Like that really helps.

    I don't even remember if I posted this or not, I printed it out and showed husband what I had to deal with last semester.
    There is a new online parent connect for school which I logged onto for the first time Sunday night. Had everything imaginable on it.
    Behavior/diciplinary action. GPA, Transcript - including middle school.
    Grades, assignments, current grades. AND
    Per PERIOD (4 periods per day)
    Excused Absenses - 53 (periods)
    Field trip - 6
    OSS - 6
    ISS - 6
    Excused Tardy - 4
    Tardy - 19

    Mid-term progress report second quarter = F, D-, F, F
    Final semester grade = C, C, C+, C+

    He shouldn't have to cram an entire quarter into the last two weeks and pray he passes.

    And husband thinks I am lying when I tell him School keeps contacting me. He never talks to teachers or goes to school to meet with them when they REQUEST it. Then husband yells at me for GOING to school.

    Please send me strength, please. Just when I thought it was getting better - it got worse than before.

    Ok. I edited a lot out. Too wordy, too much information. Just bad physical/verbal fight with difficult child.
    Lasted edited by : Feb 4, 2009
  2. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    I am sending many thoughts & prayers your way. I hope you find & keep the strength to hold it together. I also hope husband finds a way to walk this WITH you instead of in a different direction. You both have to be on the same page to get some positive results. Many {{hugs}}
  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Sending lots of STRONG STRENGTH. It is so hard - seems so futile - like the other side is not doing their part. But you can continue to do what you know is right. I am sure something is getting through. difficult child (and maybe even husband?) just does not want to admit that you are reaching him and he has to change.

    You should ask the school to call husband instead of you. That MIGHT open his eyes a little?

    I have "in your face" kids so know real well how hard it is not to loose it. One time someone stated how their daughter would get angry and stomp off to her room. She wouldn't talk about it. I told that person he had no idea how lucky he was because when they refuse to talk and refuse to walk (stomp) away, than life in the home gets very ugly indeed.

    Warrior Strength heading your way! (and p.s., don't join Terry's school district or your difficult child will be home even more often).
  4. Janna

    Janna New Member

    I'm so sorry, K. It has to be 100 times harder on you going at it alone with no support from husband. *sigh* What do you do?

    I hope things get better.
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{kjs}} I'm sorry you're dealing with this all on your own. I think it's really good that you printed all out for H to see. Even if he still is in denial, it's all there in black and white. Is H of the mind that difficult child should be allowed to fail?

    You simply cannot do it all and you cannot make difficult child pass for the year. What will you do if he truly fails and has to repeat this grade?

    I remember this battle all through Jr High and then HS with my difficult child. I even placed my difficult child in a different school with hopes that it would make a difference - it didn't. At the midnight hour, she pulled through. Seriously, the school called me and had me register her for Summer School classes so she could graduate the following August, after everyone else. She would have been excluded from the ceremony too. No cap and gown. Despite my trepidations, I had to accept that she may not pass and when I did, she was only accountable to her teachers, who really rallied around her and pulled her through. I won't suggest that this is the right path for you and I know you don't want to take that chance. Whatever happens, I know you will give it your all, you always do.

    The rules? Well, all I can say there is to just keep sticking to them. It bites, I know it does, when no one is listening, but you can't give up the rules. You can tweak them but yours sound like they've been tweaked enough already. Someone has to hold difficult child accountable on some level.

    Sending hugs and positive vibes for a better than expected outcome.
  6. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Sending lots of support and many (((HUGS)))!!!

    I think being a single parent is extremely difficult, I have been one! But I think it is worse to feel like a single parent when you are not one!!! It really stinks that he isn't stepping up to help you deal with all of this. It is even worse that he is minimizing the problems. I am so sorry that you are feeling so alone in this struggle. We are here for you!!!

    I hope things get better for you soon. You are in my thoughts. :)
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, I'm so sorry. I know the feeling. We're just coming out from under that. Sigh.
    I'm sending extra-strength Strength.
  8. compassion

    compassion Member

    Sending strenth but I also second ask for help form husband. I am so much less resentful since I am doing that more. I was the heavy for years and years and he was cool becasue I enforced all limits. Sunday he told difficult child she could not currently live here becasue of the violent behaiovr/threats. For the frist time he is the meanie and she will nto talk to him but wants to talk to me. I had him call the cops to taransport her to treatment yeaterday. He reused to turn the car aorund on the wy to the hospital. Plus , getting support from this group, therapist, psychiatrist, and Al-Anon is helping so much. I took so much blame and guilt and felt so alone and isolated for so long. I often have to say t o husband (he loves to wothdraw and let me handle it all), hey, I need (and be speicific.
    I am going down to the firswt teratment team meeting alone today but I am OK with that as he needs to get back to his job, he took like 3 days off the last week to help . I no longetr though wil carry it all. I remeber too many times when she was thratning me with a knife aone in our ulitiy room at our country house and I was too ashamed to tell anyone, kept thinking it was a phase. Now I realize she was biplor from the begging, she had violent rages startign at 3. I ddeserve to be protected today and not do it all alone.
    The facility she is in is behavioral and she will have consequences if she enages in those behaviors. I am really trying to detach. Yesttersy when she was reusing to sign in, refusing to cooperate, refusing to take her piercing out, I clamly said, if I were in your positon, I would respect the rules. Comapssion
  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Since everyone is sending strength (and Extra-Strength Strength, at that!) I will send you CALM and PEACE....

    May you have a much more calm and peaceful day today...

  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending lots of extra strength...and some peaceful quiet.
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    ((HUGS)) I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't so I'll send my support and hope that you get some relief soon.
  12. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  13. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Thank you. I knew you were there with me last night at counseling.

    As far as school / grades....I can print them out and put them on the table.
    husband doesn't look at them and leaves it where I put it until I throw it out.
    He denies what the papers say. Says "I dispute that".

    I tried having school contact him in prior years. Problem is that husband cannot use the phone at work except for his lunch time. (he works in a shop). If school calls and something needs to be dealt with ASAP he is no help. (such as suspension or sick)

    We have tried having school leave messages and husband return them at lunch. (MY idea) that didn't work because when husband is at lunch so are all the teachers.

    husband is completely computer illiterate. Has absolutely NO IDEA how to use the computer. Then Bashes ME for logging on and thinks I logon hundreds of time a night to difficult child's school. He even said like 3 am. Sure, the teachers are up putting grades in at 3am. (husband has no problem navigating his phone to the internet now does he)

    Anyway, the principal AT school asked him last fall if he would read email if the teachers sent one to him. He says, Oh, yes. difficult child and I just looked at each other.

    TWICE husband asked difficult child to log him on to the email. Never did it again.

    therapist asked husband last night if HE would logon and check difficult child's grades on the new parent connect thing. He would not commit to it for a while. Then said yes. therapist asked him when he would be willing to sit down and learn how to do it. husband says, difficult child can show me...I interrupted and said NO, I do not want difficult child knowing the password. therapist asked if I could show him. He says yes. And says as soon as we get home.

    Well, We got home and I turned on the computer. He never said a word. Not one single word. Am I suppose to ASK him? I did not. I was waiting for him. That did not happen.

    I do have one fear. husband has no idea how to use a computer at this time. So if I teach him how, will he be doing what he does on his cell phone???

    We practiced fair fighting last night. That's a joke. We don't even speak, how would we make an appointment to fight.

    therapist just called as I was writing this. Wants me to come in asap to follow up. Wants us both in seperately. I cannot make the time today, but will go tomorrow. husband cannot take off of work. therapist said he would be willing to speak to him on the phone.

    You guys really help. I hope you know that.

    Thank you
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Sigh. Sounds like it's getting complicated.
    I wish you luck. I will be thinking of you tomorrow, while you're at the mtng.
  15. C.J.

    C.J. New Member


    I raised N* as a single parent, and it was HARD. I've told friends and family that I would never take on another child, whether easy child or difficult child alone. I cannot imagine having a spouse who would not help carry the load. I can only imagine the hurt, disappointment, and the loneliness inside you. I admire your strength and tenacity.

    By the way, N*'s school had a parent connect program. I'd see unexcused absenses, missed homework, failing grades - and would share the results with N*. She'd tell me the teachers were behind in posting her grades, students took attendance for teachers, and "this one girl" really hated her, so she would always mark her absent.....blah blah blah.
    Sounds like she and your husband are reading from the same tired old worn out handbook of excuses.