I really set myself up this time

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by tinamarie1, Feb 29, 2008.

  1. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    My best friend since childhood that is bipolar hasn't spoken to me for months. I have tried everything. I just can't let it go for some reason. I love her dearly and want to be part of her life. We have visted each other and gone on trips twice a year for the past 5 years. She doesn't want to let me in now and I don't have any idea why. So yesterday, I sent her flowers for her birthday. A huge arrangement. I spent $100+ on her favorite flowers. I guess I had selfish intentions because I knew in my heart that she would call or email or IM....or something. I saw she was online yesterday but she never made an attempt to make contact. I verified with- the florist they were delivered to her. I never predicted how hurt and depressed I would feel now.
  2. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! You've made all of the overtures, that's about all you can do. Human nature is a strange thing. There's obviously something that has happened that she "perceives" to be an affront to her. If you're not aware of what you've done, there's no way to fix it until she's ready to "get over it".

    Give her some room. It doesn't necessarily have to have anything to do with her being bipolar either. Dear Abby and Anne Landers are FULL of these rifts between family and friends whether there's illness involved or not.

    You've done your best and that's something you can live with. As things happen in your life, you can always send her a quick note or email keeping her up to date, but I sure wouldn't keep going nuts about it.

    To a degree, I believe people who work with this tactic are on some sort of power trip. Dangling people around to see how much they will make them dance isn't really fair. Ask yourself this: would you tolerate this from anyone else (parent, sister, brother, husband, child?). Let her know you care and then sit back and wait.

    I really feel bad for you. My best friend and I met in 1st grade and we've had these "blanks" several months at a time due to crazy schedules and different life situations, but eventually we catch up and it's like time stood still.

    She might be going through something that she wants to tackle on her own as well.

    I say: give her some room and we'll be your "bff's" for a while!

    Hoping your weekend is great...
  3. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    thanks beth. i am in tears after reading your post...guess today is going to be emotional for me.
  4. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Chocolate! Lots of chocolate! If it's going to be an emotional day make it count for something!!! lol

    Seriously though, do something nice for yourself. That $100. for the flowers will next time go for a full, total massage and manicure, a night out on the town or even some time with a hobby that you might have.

    Don't focus on the issue with your friend. It'll come around one way or another.

    Cry your tears (we're here) but then do something for you. Spring is coming - go look at all the ugly clothes that they're coming out with!!!

    Gotta do more laundry, will stop in again later!

  5. tammyjh

    tammyjh New Member

    My best friend and I have gone our separate ways for the most part. Nothing happened between us...just that life got in the way. I moved, and we kept up through email and phone quite well for a long time. Did long distance visits to get the kids together and it gradually fizzled out. Getting a personal email from her is rare...she usually just sends me forwards or email updates that are to everyone in her address book...rarely anything personal.

    I think its nice that you sent her flowers. I hope she will at least respond with a thank you. (((((hugs)))))
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    What you did was take a chance. It only cost you $100.00 to find out that your former friend doesn't desire contact. I know your heart hurts and you feel you set yourself up - but personally I think it was WORTH $100.00 to find out where you stood with her - and be done. Now you can start healing.

    You have a lovely heart - your friend doesn't deserve you. - or the flowers.


    ps how's your hubby doing?
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have gone through this several times myself and it does hurt. I dont have many friends in real life so my online friends are near and dear to my heart. Two of them have left me hanging here in the last couple of months. Maybe they are very busy...dont know. It just makes me pull inward more though.

    I do have a BFF from Junior High and we went for years without seeing or talking to each other. We found each other again several years ago and while we have only seen each other once in all that time, we call sporadically. Its not perfect but its nice to stay in touch. We live about 6 or so hours apart so getting together isnt easy. When we did finally meet up it was in our home town on a short visit for both of us. Both our parents...my dad, her mom...still live in our home town.

    If I were you I would just give it time. She may reach out again when she works through whatever it is she is going through.
  8. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Hugs. It's a crappy thing.

    I'm going through the same thing right now. My best friend won't return calls, emails, etc. I have NO idea why. Saw her mom in the grocery store the other day...gave me a huge hug and said that she is not good at returning calls. Ummm....never been a problem before. We would weekly go out for dinner. I guess I screw up and don't even know it.

  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This is so painful. Mycyber-shoulder is here for you all day long. And into the night ifyou need it.

    When I first went to college my 2 best friends ended up dating guys from the same fraternity here at home. Then there was a LOT of manufactured drama. I lived out of state most of the year and just HATED it.

    We had a reunion this year. We have all been married 16-17 years, had our kids mostly within a month of each other, and settled within a few hours of home. I still see their parent frequently (one can't hide when she comes to town because I drive past her parent's house taking thank you to school, LOL!) and one's dad is a close friend of my dad. Our moms are friends also.

    It was good to reconnect, but I know you are in a lot of pain at this point. Take time, heal, maybe at a future date things will be different.
  10. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    well i couldn't stand it. i emailed her today to just say "i just wanted to make sure you recieved your delivery and all is well". She emailed me back just minutes later to say thank you and they are beautiful and it was very unexpected. We made very very small talk and she said that she was sorry she had not been wanting to talk, but she has been very depressed, sleeping 12-14 hours a day. I feel a little better now that she has talked to me (we had not talked for months). I am trying to keep my expectations low so I don't get disappointed when I don't hear from her again for a while.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wow. I'm glad I read all the notes and saw that she responded in email. That's a plus. I would stay out of it now ... let her digest and process the communication and overture in her own way. My Bi polar friend often watches TV and writes computer gobbledegook or plays video games or sleeps when he's depressed, and it fills the void with-o having to make contact with-actual human beings. It is very, very hard not to take it personally but at least he always comes around after a while and makes up for it. (He mailed letters for me today, added a larger power source to my computer, and finished a TV stand in the LR that we started last summer. But it really has to be done on HIS schedule, because I never know when he'll be "up.")
    It is NOT YOU. That is your new mantra. It's not about you ... it's about her. Please find a way to distract yourself and go on with-your life. This is all the further she's going to let you in at this point.
    If she's depressed she needs therapy, medications and exercise. Love alone cannot cure her depression. (Believe me, all of us on this BB have kids or spouses we'd love to cure that way!)
    It's so hard. Please accept our cyberhugs and know that you are a good person.
    I agree with-Beth that the next time you save up an extra $100, spend it on yourself. You deserve it!
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I was wondering as I read your post if your friend was going thru a bout of depression. I'm glad the two of you were able to talk.

    My best friend is also bipolar. While not long ago you'd always see us together, or else we'd be yakking on the phone........... Well, I rarely speak to her these days.

    She's gone down a path where I won't follow, not even for someone I love like a sister. She's into major drugs. She knows why I'm keeping my distance, although she also knows when she wants help I'll be there waiting with open arms. We've discussed the drugs to death. She knows she's an addict. It's just right now the drug are more important to her than anything esle. Until she gets help there isn't anymore I can do.

    I hope you touch base with your friend even if she doesn't reach out first, if for nothing more than a "How ya doin'". Chances are if she's in a depression she's not gonna want a lot of people contact, but it is nice to know you're cared about.

  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Lisa.