I REALLY wish some (even one of you) could be here

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TeDo, Apr 19, 2012.

  1. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I have absolutely HAD it!!! I cannot handle difficult child 1 for another minute but I have no choice because there's no where I can go and no one I can talk to. I am soooo alone and I HATE it. He has been an absolute PITA all day today. He complained because HE "didn't get to pick" what subject they were going to work on first (I plan that so there's no fighting over it). He complained that difficult child 2 did a lesson without him (because he'd been sent to his room for arguing, yelling, etc). All difficult child 2 had left was the 2 subjects they normally do together. He got MAD because difficult child 2 "didn't wait" for him. I refuse to make difficult child 2 wait for difficult child 1. On Tuesdays, difficult child 2 volunteers from 10-12. During that time, difficult child 1 does the other subjects so when difficult child 2 gets home, ALL he has left is the 2 lessons they do together. difficult child 1 insists that difficult child 2 "was supposed to wait for me because I always have to wait for him on Tuesdays". His logic makes absolutely NO sense. He doesn't have to watch TV or read a book or play a game or actually sit and wait on Tuesdays like difficult child 2 would have had to do today. It's been one thing right after another. No sooner is he calm and back downstairs than he starts with the comments and complaints that escalate to him going right back up to his room again.

    After 6 hours of dealing with this BS, I lost it. I paddled his backside and yelled and completely came unglued. I hate myself for giving in to the emotions and stress. He has pushed me too far too many times. He was definitely MUCH more stuck than ever and NOTHING was getting through to him today. He just could NOT get it under control....but then again, I guess neither did I.

    Days like this REALLY hoover and it's the kind of day when I REALLY wish any and all of you lived anywhere near me.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Call me.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I assume by now that Buddy has calmed you down a bit.
    I'm so sorry you had to paddle him, and then feel guilty about it. Don't worry! been there done that.

    I know exactly how you feel. This board is a lifesaver, day or night. I don't know a single person here who doesn't know how you feel.
    Deep breath.

    I have to give my difficult child consequences. The hard part is thinking clearly when you're stressed, and not screaming, "You're grounded!" which means YOU are stuck being grounded, too.
    I usually tell him that if he doesn't leave me alone for 20 min. (if I say a half hr, he doesn't get it, so I have to say, 35 min. or something specific) that he will have his XBox taken away, or will not get McDonald's for 2 wks, etc. Something do-able.

    That usually works, because I do follow through on my threats. I wasn't always that good about it. ;)

    Other than that, I'd get a friend to come over and help. I can't recall how old difficult child 1 is and don't see it on your page.

    Many, many hugs!!! Can you soak in the bath tonight?
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Oh, sweetie. Lots of hugs. And don't feel guilty at all. We ALL do stuff like that!

    As for coming unglued - only so much you can handle, hon. You're one person, and when it gets to be too much... We all react.

    More gentle hugs, and a hope that things are better...
  5. keista

    keista New Member

    ((((HUGS)))) How is he now after you blew up at him? I find our difficult children can handle this better than we give them credit for. I think it's OK for us to give them primal responses from time to time. After all, that's how someone in the "real world" might end up responding to them. We might be Warrior Moms, but we are still human and can break just like our difficult children can.

    Since misery loves company, I'll post my "primal confession" here. Lately I've been hollering at son a lot. He's just not getting his work done or handed in and I'm loosing it. Not only am I hollering, I'm cussing too, and not under my breath but out loud in front of all three kids. Honestly, I think he recovers from it faster than I do. Really. He goes and does what he's supposed to do and then moves on. I spend days analyzing it with BFF.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh my TeDo, keep venting away, we are here for you. We are all right there with you. I know just how frustrating, anger provoking, maddening and absurd it all is, it's so hard not to lose it. And,then on top of losing it, then you beat yourself up! Good Lord, we're only human beings here, not saints. The pressure cooker blew, so what? No one died. You can correct whatever you need to when you feel calmer, but for now, vent, allow yourself that time, don't beat yourself up, and KNOW that you are not alone, I have lost it like that, I would guess many if not most of us have, look who we are dealing with!

    And, you poor kid, you're doing it all by yourself, that makes it all so much more difficult. I raised my kid and my sister alone too, I know how you feel. My mom's heart feels for your Mom's heart, really, just take a deep breath, then another, then go take a bath or do something for you. Tell them both to give you some space for a little while.

    I can't be there with you, but I can put my cyber Mother's arms around you and say, this too shall pass. And, then we could eat some chocolate, drink a glass of champagne, (bubbly is always good for the soul) and talk about ex-boyfriends/husbands and have a good laugh.......:consoling:
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    OK, I know we just talked but wanted a permanent record of agreement here....as YOU have told ME, you are doing a job that is too hard not to make mistakes, we all do it. Not even sure you did make a mistake, he was being a real pain in the patootie. You know I am always here, call if this keeps going on tonight ok? My phone is always on me and if Q is being pain number two, I will call you back asap! Wish we could meet half way and leave them all at a park and go somewhere ourselves....LOL!

    I just try to think, if I had TWO of Q....no way... how do you do it with two teenagers??? Really, you are amazing.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm past those high tension times but I do remember them...vividly. My expectations for myself have always been over the top. On the rare occasions when I lost it I felt excessivly guilty. My goal of perfection never has been achieved, darn it.

    In my case I dropped homework from our at home agenda. Amazing how much difference that made in our family unit. Hold you head up high and seek preplanned alternative choices for when you have been pushed beyond the capabilities of a normal human. Hugs. DDD
  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Yeah, great point, I think a lot of us here kind of do that....expect so much of ourselves when we can see when we talk to each other that it is perfectly normal to have moments. Thanks for that perspective DDD, it's TeDo's thread but I had to tell you I liked the way you put it. I dont do the homework thing either, unfortunately for TeDo, they do computer based school at home, so these are his normal school lessons....sigh....

    Hope he comes around and can get this work and tomorrows done so he can go on his boy scout adventure...will be a rough weekend if he has to miss that....HUGS to you....
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Oh honey -

    I'm so sorry you are having a bad time. Being alone is the WORST. My husband used to be OTR - so I feel ya!

    Try and find some quiet time this evening - even if it means you have to put on the headphones!

  11. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    TeDo, I'm not very presnt these days, but I can't ignore your post! I so wish I were closer as well.
    We all have lost it, and I am NO exception. Even though I tell myself, I'm just human, deal with a lot, blah blah blah. The guilt is just around the corner.
    Breath, stretch, walk around (even if it's just in the house), and forgive yourself.
    I really hope you catch a break tomorrow.
    Do you have access to respite services? If not, it would be good to look into it.
  12. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    He finally calmed down and was back to "normal" at 5:30. I still have NO idea what got him so stuck but he was stuck in quicksand instead of just mud this time. Usually, the REAL reason he's having a tough time will just blurt out in the middle of what he's ranting about. Not today. I am at a total loss. I told him he could recover his Boy Scout trip if he got down to work, got it all done, AND didn't say a word that wasn't lesson-related. He did AWESOME. Definitely "back".

    Thanks for all the words of wisdom and support. If it weren't for you guys, I'd be in a LONG-term Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or something worse. I still feel horrible. I know I'm only human and I know I can only handle so much and I know it's "normal". I just keep thinking about his PTSD and the deep depression he went into when the school did their shenanigans. That is what drives my guilt. I don't want to be the cause of either. THAT is what scares me.

    He was fine when he went to bed and was hugging me like nothing happened....as he makes quiet comments about how this one spot on his leg hurts where my forearm connected with his thigh when he twisted at the last second so I couldn't get his backside. I quietly told him my forearm doesn't feel much better and his response was a quiet "but my leg didn't try to hurt you". Sometimes I wonder if he will EVER realize that his actions cause reactions. Know what I mean?? It makes me scared for him.

    Thanks again ladies. I love you all.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Many many many hugs!!! THis truly is a normal thing and we ALL lose it from time to time. I spent YEARS where there was NO calming Wiz until one of us lost it. He would just keep escalating until either husband or I lost it and yelled/screamed/totally lost it. NO matter what, if we stayed calm and did not give that big reaction he just kept escalating. There were times when we called 911 for help rather than losing it and even a cop didn't put a stop to it. We still managed to stop reacting that way after a few years, but it took him 2 months of nonstop solid escalations where we only got very small breaks in the escalation by having the cops came. This is why I could not work even part time - it took 2 of us to handle things by evening and NO therapy worked. The year we stopped givng him big reactions that he wanted was absolute hades - husband even talked seriously about having an exorcism done on him. He eventually ended up in the psychiatric hospital for the 4 mo stay and they finally got his level of escalation down.

    Please stop beating yourself up for this. You won't cause the deep depression - some of this is natural consequences and what our kids learn from. Doesn't make it easier on you, but it is what it is.

    I hope someday he 'gets' that his actions cause the reactions, but it may take a while, depending on how old he is.
  14. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I'm glad that he was able to pull it together at the end of the day and get everything done that you wanted him to get done. That's a positive. Hold on to that part.

    Don't beat yourself up over losing your temper with him. We have ALL been there, done that, have the tee shirt to prove it. You are a single person, trying to take care of and raise two boys who have their own individual issues. It's a tough thing to do, but you ARE doing it.

    Hopefully, today will be a better day.
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im so sorry but dont feel guilty for smacking him on the butt. He is trying to guilt you by saying his butt hurts. You are allowed to smack him on the butt. You cant beat him bloody but spanking is allowed. In fact, someone on here called the cops the other day and that was what the cop told the kid. Dont buy into the guilt. I wouldnt spank him routinely or it loses its effectiveness but it obviously got his attention today.