i said NO!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by emotionally_drained, Sep 21, 2014.

  1. emotionally_drained

    emotionally_drained New Member

    Well after my oldest child called Wednesday and asked to come "stay" with me for a few weeks, my middle daughter just called today said she wanted to move back to my town from her dad's and asked if she could stay with me for about a month. I told her no!!!
    Let's go back...
    After my middle child graduated I told her she could live with me for 1 year, rent free as long as she kept a job, saved her money and followed the rules of not staying out late and no friends spending the night, she decided to go live with her GM and 2 days later begged to come back and promised to follow the rules, well 4 months went by and she maybe stayed overnight 4 times, i finally had to put my foot down about her being gone all the time, i found out she was going to raves and using and the last straw was when she and a friend come by the house for clothes i could smell marijuana so strong. Basically i told her she couldn't stay if she was using and she got so angry she trashed my living room after a heated argument and i left.

    I told her today on the phone, i was no longer going to let her take advantage of me, i wanted to have a relationship with my children without them holding their hand out, and my decision was NO i would not even ask my husband and a few other things also, then she said yes ma'am and i told her i loved her and ended the conversation. I feel good about what i did, but in the same i feel guilty, i am hoping the guilt passes soon, it was really hard to do!!
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You did the right thing for you and for her. In no way should she stay with you if she is using drugs and capable of trashing your house. She needs to learn how to be an adult and going to raves and trashing things is very childish and scary too, I'm sure!

    If you think about it logically, I think you'll see that you have nothing to feel guilty about. If you think about it emotionally, you are thinking that she is your child and you shouldn't say no to her. But she's not a little girl anymore. We tend to remember our adult children as being much younger when we deny them something. Try to remember, she is a young adult now and not making good choices. In my opinion, it is never a good idea to make it easy for a drug user to use those drugs. Make it hard and horrible...and maybe the person will quit??? I don't know. My daughter did quit.

    We are here for you. We are holding your hand. You can do this.
  3. emotionally_drained

    emotionally_drained New Member

    yeah she said she quit and even said I could drug test her if I wanted to, but I don't feel like I should even have to go to that extent, it would be me buying the test, me taking her to find a job, around my job and a month will end up leading to more months and before I know it back to the same routine no...thank...you!!!
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Don't waste your time. Plenty of drugs don't show up on drug tests. Best to let her grow up and go it alone. She'd be working if she had changed that much. She would have new friends who didn't use drugs and a new attitude.
  5. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Great stuff Emotionally-Drained!

    Keep up the good work. Warrior Mom!
  6. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Hmmm.............. putting it in context may help with the guilt: Daughter is happy living her life on her terms. You feel guilty for wanting daughter to submit to your terms in your own house. She is only wanting to live in a way that makes her happy; don't you have the same right?
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  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good job. Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving...........it seems to come with this territory and all of the parental "shoulds" we face. It doesn't serve any useful purpose, it's like worry..........do your level best to let it go, you did the right thing. Your kids are adults, they have to be on their own to learn their own life lessons, helping them often robs them of those lessons. Celebrate your new stand. Boundaries work for you and for the kids.