I slapped him silly.

[wakeupcall]

I've HAD it!!!! The disrespect and rudeness is getting totally out of control. It doesn't matter what consequence I can think of....twelve years of them and they still don't work. I had his mouth one too many times this evening and little gestures like me telling him to stop something (anything)(he was kicking the kitchen cabinets) and he HAS to do it one more time while looking me straight in the eye. I let him have it~~~~~~!!!!! It's getting to the point that I just do NOT care any longer. I'm going to be carried out of this house in a straight jacket if things don't change. I wish I could say it was puberty stuff, but lordy, has he been in puberty for TWELVE years? I only want a little peace and there is never, ever any peace in this house.

 

[smallworld]

Can you get your difficult child into a day treatment program so his medications can be overhauled and he can undergo intensive therapy? We recently placed my son in such a program at a local psychiatric hospital, and it made a huge difference in his overall functioning.

If your difficult child is not stable, neither consequences nor physical punishment will change his behavior.

 

[wakeupcall]

You know, he's had therapy every single week for almost two years...not to mention the therapy that just wasn't every week. We did a medication wash two summers ago, we have a terrific medication doctor who listens and adjusts accordingly. That's what I mean....it's like there is absolutely nothing that works.

It's so discouraging to try, try, try, try, try, try, try.....and there's never any change. It's just been a baaaaaaaad day....

 

[Andy]

Pamela, I am sorry you are facing such frustrations. I don't have any answers - I remember times when I would tell myself that if my husband treated me even one tenth the degree of disrespect my kids did, he would be out the door in a heart beat. I know where you are at, wish I knew how to get out of that spot.

I am a newbie so as I wait for others to offer their helpful insights for me also to learn, I wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you tonight. Let's hope that help is just around the corner.

 

[smallworld]

Pam, many kids with mood disorders need two mood stabilizers plus an atypical antipsychotic with NO stimulants or antidepressants (my son was taking Focalin XR until the day treatment program discontinued it). Until we got my son on his current medication combo, he was unbelievably defiant and very hard to live with. We like living with him now.

 

[Andy]

Pamela and Smallworld, As I was taking my nice long time on my post, you had a good conversation going on.

I now remember when I took my difficult child to his first psychiatrist appointment, we were told, "I can only see you once per week. If you feel you need more help than that, I would recommend the child Residential Treatment Center (RTC) down the road." I am also expecting medication changes as my 11 yr old is growing physically and emotionally. Smallworld mentioned a day program. I think I would take your son for an evaluation to see what level of care he needs at this time. Hospitalization may be necessary for staff to watch reactions of medication changes 24 hours a day? Or day treatment may be o.k. based on the changes they want to do - then if they state is does well during the day but still falls apart when at home, you can ask about the next level which is hospitalizaiton for a few days?

Remember, as he is maturing, his body is changing so it seems that medications need to keep up with these changes.

 

[fuddleduddledee]

While I fully understand the frustration of having a child that does not listen, I've been there and done that more times than I can count. Taking out your frustration on him doesn't really solve the problem. It's probably time to call the doctor and do some kind of a medication tweak. He's reached the age of puberty maybe what worked for him two years ago isn't working anymore. I know with my own son it took about 5 years of playing with medications before we got any kind of stability and even now two years later we are still tweaking and altering from time to time. Go easy on yourself I think we have all lost it at one time or another, we're all human.

 

[wakeupcall]

In the last month we've stopped the Geodon altogether which didn't seem to do a thing and started Abilify. He's been on Lithium for about a year, I guess, and it has done the most good from day one. The best part of the Abilify is that now he doesn't cry all the time, which is a big plus. He's been on a stimulant since age four and is totally WILD without it....in school and at home.....jumping on the furniture, fighting with the dogs, can't sit to eat, etc. husband just came home from a business meeting and he has a little more control than I do. Is it bedtime yet?

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Aw sweetie. Been there. Done that. Have the team jacket.

So sorry it came to that today. I know the out of control feeling that comes with it. I know the what am I gonna do with this kid feeling that comes with it too.

Big hugs. Wish I had some advice, but my kids has only just begun...

 

[witzend]

Step away from the child, Pamela. It's time to call out your resources. It's better to get your "I can't stand it anymore!" story out there before his "My mom beats me!" story gets out there.

Although I never slapped my difficult child around, it wasn't because I wouldn't have liked to. He was just bigger and stronger than me.

I swear to God I don't know how you people deal with these adopted children and their biological problems. Somebody owes you big time. Call on them and make them step up.

 

[tiredmommy]

It must be something in the air, Duckie came home from school looking for trouble. {{{Hugs}}}

 

[dreamer]

PamelaJ,
This is crisis stage plus. I am sure you already know that, and I know you know it has been bad for a long long time.....but now something needs to change, something has to happen. You are going to find yourself in legal trouble with this kind of things going on.....even if difficult child is pushing your buttons.
If the psychiatrist is not listening, not hearing, you need to find another or make this one hear and listen and do something. These medications are just not working. And if you are that stressed out dealing with it, I am gonna guess difficult child himself must also be stressed out living it every minute of every day.
You need to find someone you can call when you cannot handle it, or you need to create some kind of plan to remove yourself from this stress load. Really, if your son had grand mal seizures and broke things when a siezure occured, would you still view the broken items as willful destruction and chosen poor behavior?
This crisis has exploded on you, and someone is going to get seriously injured, or there might be a time when things escalate even more out of control. You slapped him silly, you were overwhelmed at you became out of control. I do not know how he responded to that THIS time, but- he is a growing boy, and it would not be a surprise of such a thing pushed him further out of control, too. You know how YOU felt when you slapped him.it is possible he may feel similar when he does the things he does...out of control....unable to stop himself.
You need to give a hard look at him and these types situations, and step back and not take them personal. His behaviors are a symptom....something is not right. Can you try to tune out what you call "disrespect"? walk away? go to a different room, ignore him?
Seriously you do need to get his doctor to understand what is going on, the degree to which it is happening, how it makes you feel.and you might need to also force your husband to understand, as well. Sometimes in a marriage or family there are some things one of the persons, one of the adults, one of the family members- does better. Your husband might have to do some serious soul searching and reassess his priorities and maybe it might have to be him who deals with your son. Your son has a very real and very serious biological brain disorder. Serious illness can and often does cause families to have to reassess many parts of their life and sometimes rearrange things in their life.
I am not saying these things becuz I am trying to be mean......I am worried for you, your son and your family.
Your sons medications need to be reviewed....and some plans need to be put into place so that you do not feel so overwhelmed that you lose control of you and do this again. My heart breaks for you.
And no, it is NOT "easy for me to say"- I have had a seriously mentally ill husband for the better part of 15 years.....and I have a seriously mentally ill daughter. I have been in your shoes.
I am not just throwing out unfounded ideas. I am not just pointing my finger and casually saying anything just to be mean. And I KNOW first hand just how upside down Life and home and finances and everything can become when there is an ill person in the home.
Many hugs for you......I cannot imagine it felt good at all to feel how you must have felt. Many many hugs for your whole family. You are in crisis. ANd it is going to take hard work and creative thinking

 

[susiestar]

First of all,

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

Now, it is time for a doctor who will listen and REACT. Perhaps even an inpatient psychiatric hospitalization to give you a break from each other.

Or a weekend at the Motel 6 to give MOM a break. Life like this can easily lead to all kinds of abuse, of legal problems, and a really wretched quality of life.

Remember we are here, but you also need some effective real life therapy.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[gottaloveem]

Pamela,
I am so sorry you had a bad night with-difficult child. I have been reading about your story and I have seen all that you have tried to stabilize your son. You have tried so much and he still doesn't seem to be much more stable.

Eventhough it isn't my expertise, I'm thinking maybe he should be hospitalized so he can be observed and perhaps new medications can be tried.

Sending many sympathetic hugs.
(((((((HUGS)))))))

Lia

 

[timer lady]

I'm thinking another direction. It sounds like you are the target of all of your difficult children anger. And he knows how to push your buttons - he's a pro at it.

Has your difficult child dealt with any adoption/attachment issues that he may be experiencing.? Is he aware of bio mom & the issues that brought him into your home? It's not uncommon for our children to have anger toward you because bio mom "abandoned" them. Add into the mix any mental illnesses that are in the bio family & it is hell on wheels. Adolescence is prime time for questioning & seeking out bio family.

I say this from a great deal of experience. And I have hesitated to say anything to you; however, your difficult child, in many ways, sounds like wm albeit to a much lesser extent. But he does say & do hurtful things that are reminscent of wm.

Something to consider.

 

[TerryJ2]

I agree you need to step away. I take trips to visit family in other states, and sometimes just stay overnight at a hotel. It makes a HUGE difference. Plus, my husband bears the brunt of it while I'm gone and maybe because he's got that male voice and size thing going, my son listens better to him. I used to feel guilty when I started spending whole days away from my son, but our relationship actually improved.
been there done that, Pamela. So sorry.

 

[pepperidge]

Pamela,

I'll throw out something else. I am wondering if your child might have fetal alcohol syndrome. Much of what you describe is consistent with that. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) children are very hard to medicate, have a huge difficulty understanding consequences and a whole host of other fun characteristics. While psychiatrists can treat the mood disorders etc that are co morbid or sometimes secondary they typically don't consider Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS). It might be worth considering, because I think that many of the standard therapeutic interventions don't work as well.

If you want any more info, I'd be happy to help.

Pepperidge

 

[Star*]

Pamela,

I know how hard you've tried. You are right, it IS frustrating to do what everyone asks you to do for years and years and see VERY little change if any. It made me crazy for sure.

I wish I had an answer for you for "What do I do now that I've done everything?" I just have nothing to offer that I'm sure you haven't tried. And I know how frustrating that is.

I think Smallworld had some very good advice. If you feel you've done all the medications you can - then it's time for plan B. Our plan B included Dude living elsewhere so I could get some of my mentality back. When I tell people - You have NO idea - I often wonder if they do.

You need respite, NOW. Witz is right too, you want to get this taken care of before the word gets out that you disciplined your child and while aiming for his butt hit something else. When it gets to this point - it's time for one of you to get away.

Sending hugs, understanding and more hugs
Star

 

[KTMom91]

Adding my hugs and kind thoughts...

 

[Steely]

Just wanted to echo what Star said. I think it is time for a change for the little guy, and a break for you. Do you have any relative that would be willing to mentor/coach/help him for an extended stay? When was the last time he was in phosph? What does psychiatrist say?

Hugs & strength your way.