I sometimes miss my difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Jun 22, 2011.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    As some of you know, my difficult child, G, lives with her boyfriend, E, now at his parent's house since the apt building they were living in is now under construction.

    She's doing okay, struggling with learning how to budget her money better, but she's working, paying her car payment bi-weekly and her car insurance monthly - they are automatically withdrawn from her account and only once in 3 months has she had an issue. She's very careful to make sure the money is in the account when it is supposed to be. I'm actually proud of her growth and maturity in that area.

    While I'm glad she's not living at home, I do miss her, some days a lot more than others.

    G and E come by almost every Sunday for dinner and it's a nice visit. Also, every other week E comes over after work to do our lawn work (which we pay him for) and she will come by after her work to hang with him. They are a cute couple, truth be told, even if he comes with two boys and his ex is a psycho. I have to remind myself that I had two tiny girls when H and I fell in love...ahem.

    Anyway, missing difficult child today.:aww:
  2. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I'm glad to hear she is making progress and managing money better etc. I miss my Matt incredibly even though he's doing whats right for him and of course we all want our grown kids to fly the coop and become independent. But it is hard to not miss them (minus former difficult child drama of course!).

    I'm very happy that she makes regular stops to see you and share a meal etc. This is a healthy transition from adult-child relationships to adult-adult relationship. I think when we see them doing better and moving forward it is natural we miss them even more. I know for me I can't help but think all of my difficult child's progress was occurring IN the home for me to witness, the normal proud parent moments etc.

    Let's hope it gets easier ! Enjoy those Sunday dinners !
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Glad the maturity bug bit her. Sounds like she's doing well and heading in the right direction.

    People used to think I'd lost my mind when they saw me and husband together. (16 yrs my senior) But his age had nothing to do with it. We had so much in common, we were friends as well as a couple. He came along with a 3 yr old. By 21 I was pregnant with Travis. It's sort of funny to look back on that now. Everyone was sooooo concerned for ME. But I was soooooooo much more mature than husband even way back then. He did all his growing up in his late 40's early 50's when I forced it on him.
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Ironically, one of her auto withdrawals caused her account to go overdrawn this morning, ugh. She said she set up a new payment schedule with the car company, but they got it backwards - it was supposed to be withdrawn next tuesday! Oh well. One small glitch.

    Lisa, E is 9 years older than G but they really are a great match! She's a bit of an old soul and he's a bit immature but growing more each day. He's a really good dad, I just wish he'd fight for an established visitation schedule and support amounts with the ex. She's running the show and uses every manipulation tool there is to control his every moment with his boys and demanding money. I advised G not to make any marital committments until he has that aspect of his life straightened out at least!

    Baby steps. But yes, I do miss her some days more than others. This morning I was missing her - until I checked our bank accounts, lol.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I'm just sending you a hug - becuse I know exactly how you feel about missing them and not missing the BS.....Having them gone almost gives you that sense of "OH....LOOKIE!!!!! My life is ALMOST 'normal"...my kids are grown, and if I close my eyes real tight? I can nearly pretend that nothing is wrong for (...) long, and our history was a figment of my imagination, and we could have lunch, and Sunday suppers, and then you get a call or open the mail and (((((WHAM))))) it's like a fishing hook to a fishes mouth and you're jerked back into the reality of GFGdom. And THEN you realize WHY you are sorta glad you learned the art of detachment but are sad they aren't there, and it's bittersweet chocolate all over again - but a little less bitter each time you take a bite. Not much, just a bit.

    Hugs for both sides of your heart ----The side that is Mom and detaching and the side that is roses .....
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    That's exactly how I feel - thanks for the hug!
  7. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Well, my difficult child has been gone for four months now, on the other side of the world. I think I could very tentatively say that I am just about beginning to very very slightly miss him occasionally. And yes, that is not an exaggeration. I can't believe that I don't miss my baby boy, but -- well, I just don't. Life is so peaceful without him. He phones us occasionally, or Skypes, and we have to deal with some stuff for him when the mail comes, but I try and let my husband deal with that.

    Sometimes I feel that I'm not a normal mother to not miss him. But then I think that his behaviour was not exactly "normal" for all those years, so then I think I don't have to feel guilty.

    Actually, I am so tired these days and my children seem to be having slightly less contact with me, and quite honestly that's fine with me, I don't miss them either. Maybe this is a natural part of growing a bit older? I don't know.

    And then again, maybe being able to relax after all these years is allowing a little bit of depression to come out as well. I don't know. I think I'm a bit mixed up at the moment.

    It certainly is a peculiar feeling when a source of tension and anxiety that you have been living with for so long is no longer there. Maybe I'm just reacting, and sometime I will finally balance out. I don't know.

    Please forgive this peculiar reply.

    Love, Esther
  8. KFld

    KFld New Member

    My difficult child hasn't lived home for 6 years now and I still miss him. Not in any way the same as I did when he first left home, but I don't really see him much and would like to see him more often. I miss him the most when I look at photos or videos or think of times when he was younger, because he was so much different then, and I think more then missing him and who he is now, I miss who he used to be and that makes me very sad sometimes. So I guess what I'm saying is it is normal as far as I'm concerned.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Esther, I don't think your reply was peculiar at all. When difficult child first moved out, I was a mix of elation and of feeling befuddled. Although I had been practicing my detachment in regards to difficult child, I still often felt like there was an energy missing to our home. I finally started filling up the space in my day to day life, predominantly with homework.

    Overall, I do not miss difficult child - in the day to day sense and often when she calls or stops by I have to hold down that wiry last nerve in me that she keeps hitting and keep my mouth shut and facial expressions at bay. It really can be a challenge. But then, a day will hit me, or a moment, or I will come across a photo - and BAM, I will miss her.

    I'll tell you, I can't wait for easy child to move out now! She's really no bother, but it would be nice not having to share my kitchen or bathroom with her anymore. Perhaps if my H would hurry up and finish the upstairs and we were comfortably settled into our master bedroom and bath, I wouldn't even notice her, but for now, she sometimes gets on my nerves. Love her and she's a dear, but I feel too old to give a **** about the daily minutae of their lives and having to share my household, Know what I mean?? If that makes me a bad mother, well then move over and make room, Esther! LOL.

    I am in no rush to push easy child out and difficult child would be welcome if she and boyfriend had a falling out, but I really REALLY can't wait to move upstairs!!!!
  10. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Well, thanks Jo for what you wrote. I really think that all those years with a difficult child left me "not quite right" emotionally. I put up a good front to everybody -- my parents (when they were still alive), and my sisters to this day. Although one of them is easier to talk to than the other, and I have shared quite a lot with her, no one can really know what we go through, and how day in and day out it just wears us down. And then to multiply those days by years and years -- well, it's no wonder that here on Conductdisorders is really the only place I can say what I feel and just KNOW that there are those who understand. Nowhere else. And somehow, without that tension now, part of me doesn't know what to do with itself. It's not like a switch that goes off and on. I feel that something deep inside me has been damaged and is not yet whole again. Does that sound normal? I seem to have lost my ability to really enjoy myself. For example, I really love classical music and grew up in a house full of the sound of it from radio and records, and I sang in a choir for years, but today I cannot for the life of me get out to a concert, and I can't even face listening to it on the radio, although I get the profoundest joy if ever by mistake I do find myself listening.

    Lately I have had it suggested to me from two separate directions that maybe I should take myself to a psychiatrist. I have the sneaky suspicion that depression from living with a difficult child has just simply taken a hold on me and won't let go. I don't know if I can face going to a shrink again. They are all so young -- what can they understand? It's not so simple being older now.

    Sorry for this vent -- it just sort of came out.

    Love, Esther
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I think it's symptomatic of post traumatic stress disorder - it really is true that as parents we're never prepared to deal with the multitude of issues that comes with having (and loving) a difficult child(s). Of course it's difficult to find your footing after so long of knowing exactly how your life surrounds a difficult child and his/her issues...once that is missing, what are we to do? As for not enjoying the music, I do know what you mean. I used to enjoy painting and working with inks - I like to think I was once talented, lol. However, now when I try to pick it up again, my work looks like a kindergarteners! I enjoy it, but I can't seem to really put my all into it or focus. For so long, I felt like I was rushing through things that I enjoyed and instead of feeling the complete abandoned joy of 'it', I was just getting it done - to finish it. I feel like this now sometimes with my crocheting. I am trying to - NO - forcing myself to go back and choose those things that brought me joy just to see if they still do and, if they do, then I must re-acquaint myself with those things. It's tough to be sure. Keep trying. And also, I do see a counselor and I do also take an antidepressant, though I don't know how much the AD helps me. Big hugs~
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2011
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Reading this post made me realize something. Jamie has been gone now for almost 9 years!!!!! Where on earth did that time go? He is turning 27 this year and he left for boot at 18. Sheesh. He has never lived at home since then. I guess I successfully got one out...lol. I missed him awfully in the beginning. Now? Ehhh....I know where he lives...lol.

    I think I have a much harder time with Cory. I dont miss him on a minute by minute basis but he cant go for too long before he has to either call or come over here to make sure we are alive and kicking.
  13. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Thank you Jo -- that is really food for thought. Plan of action? Maybe. Very interesting what you wrote.

    Love, Esther
  14. AHF

    AHF Member

    What I miss is the easy child locked up inside my difficult child. On a very rare occasion--like for 4 days when he'd just come home from residential treatment, 6 months ago--I get a glimpse of that person in Peter Pan. And then he's gone back inside his hostile shell, and I miss him terribly. But I miss him even as I'm getting vitriol from Peter Pan over the phone, because I simply cannot accept that this twisted, tortured and torturing person is the adult version of the 14-year-old I knew and understood. I would rather be simply missing him, as in wishing I could see him or talk to him but circumstances intrude. This kind of "missing" makes me both sad and a little crazy. Does anyone else have this experience?