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I started reclaiming my authority already
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 173919" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>We go through this with difficult child 3, too. Less so with easy child 2/difficult child 2 since she began earning her own money.</p><p></p><p>It also comes from anxiety - with difficult child 3, it's often something he wants NOW. We deal with it by buying ONE thing at most, but we keep it until he buys it from us. And we only ever have one item in storage at a time, so if he wants something else (such as an unbeatable game on sale) and he hasn't paid us back for whatever we currently have - too bad. We do bend the rules sometimes, but in general he knows we mean it, and if he argues too much then he also knows the policy of us even doing as much as we do, will stop.</p><p></p><p>For difficult child 3, often just knowing that the item has been purchased and is safe from being either sold out or going up in price, reduces his anxiety to the point where he (and we) can cope.</p><p></p><p>But we do like you did this time - we totally refuse to own the conflict, if it's something HE wants and should be buying. It becomes a choice HE has to make.</p><p></p><p>Example: difficult child 3 was asked by the neighbour to mind their dog while they were away this last week. The neighbour got back and paid him $5 a day (for just playing with the dog each day!) which netted difficult child 3 a total of $25. I had just bought a memory card for difficult child 3 for $20, which he could earn on our points system. So I told difficult child 3 that if he wanted, he could buy the card instead so he could have it now instead of waiting until he earned the points. But for difficult child 3, cash is like a souvenir, he often doesn't want to spend it.</p><p></p><p>His choice. He is prepared to wait until he's earned the card. And I'm happy, because it means I can use the card as leverage to get him to do more work (which earns him the points).</p><p></p><p>Win-win.</p><p></p><p>Looking again at your first post, Heather - your daughter came to you and said she needed new earrings. She didn't come to you and say, "Will you buy me new earrings?" although clearly it was what she wanted. She already was aware of the need to go in softly and try the manipulation thing, to hopefully con you into buying them for her.</p><p>And you didn't engage!</p><p></p><p>Well done!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 173919, member: 1991"] We go through this with difficult child 3, too. Less so with easy child 2/difficult child 2 since she began earning her own money. It also comes from anxiety - with difficult child 3, it's often something he wants NOW. We deal with it by buying ONE thing at most, but we keep it until he buys it from us. And we only ever have one item in storage at a time, so if he wants something else (such as an unbeatable game on sale) and he hasn't paid us back for whatever we currently have - too bad. We do bend the rules sometimes, but in general he knows we mean it, and if he argues too much then he also knows the policy of us even doing as much as we do, will stop. For difficult child 3, often just knowing that the item has been purchased and is safe from being either sold out or going up in price, reduces his anxiety to the point where he (and we) can cope. But we do like you did this time - we totally refuse to own the conflict, if it's something HE wants and should be buying. It becomes a choice HE has to make. Example: difficult child 3 was asked by the neighbour to mind their dog while they were away this last week. The neighbour got back and paid him $5 a day (for just playing with the dog each day!) which netted difficult child 3 a total of $25. I had just bought a memory card for difficult child 3 for $20, which he could earn on our points system. So I told difficult child 3 that if he wanted, he could buy the card instead so he could have it now instead of waiting until he earned the points. But for difficult child 3, cash is like a souvenir, he often doesn't want to spend it. His choice. He is prepared to wait until he's earned the card. And I'm happy, because it means I can use the card as leverage to get him to do more work (which earns him the points). Win-win. Looking again at your first post, Heather - your daughter came to you and said she needed new earrings. She didn't come to you and say, "Will you buy me new earrings?" although clearly it was what she wanted. She already was aware of the need to go in softly and try the manipulation thing, to hopefully con you into buying them for her. And you didn't engage! Well done! Marg [/QUOTE]
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