I suck at this

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by dstc_99, Dec 9, 2012.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I am a complete failure. I can not do this any longer. I dont want my life to be like this. I am sick and tired of feeling like a visitor in my own home and following the rules of a teenage daughter who hates me. I cant stand my youngest daughter being a whipping boy for my oldest. I want my husband home to help.

    I dont know what else to say. I have given and given and given yet it is never enough. She is never happy with me. She never appreciates anything I do. She makes me feel like a completely worthless piece of $hit on a regular basis. I have no support. I have to cancel my therapy because I have to spend so much time handling therapy for her and her sister. What little leave I have left after that is eaten up by the depression I battle because of all this anger. I am depressed and tired and done.

    Every time I think that I might be able to ask her for something I realize getting punched in the gut with how wrong I am.

    I am learning though. I am making a vow right now not to ask for anything, not to show emotion, not to expect love or gratitude or even kindness. I only hope that I can do this without damaging my youngest further.
  2. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    You are not a complete failure, nor are you alone. I have been having a really rough time myself dealing with teenage female difficult child BS. I too wonder how much this is affecting my other children. Lately I have been finding myself wishing that she didn't live with us because it's so damn hard. I find myself thinking awful thoughts, such as acknowledging that I don't even really LIKE her, and that makes me feel worse, and down the spiral goes...

    I don't have any magic wisdom, but I do have commiseration. You aren't alone, please vent when you need to because it helps others as well to know that someone else is having problems too, that it's not just us.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Big (((hugs))) !

    Yes - you need to protect your hurting heart a little bit. Absolutely STOP asking your difficult child for things. STOP expecting anything at all from her - just deal with her issues day-by-day...hour-by-hour. She is treating you like a worthless piece of **** because that is how she wants you to feel right now. It hurts - but that is exactly what she is doing. You need to STOP letting her control your emotions.

    STOP giving and giving and giving. STOP IT. You are not going to suddenly "win her over". If anything - you need to start being mean. Throw her a loop.

    This does not have to change the way you treat the younger child. In fact, if possible - why not take the younger child away for a weekend? Just the two of you? It might be nice to get away from all of the difficult child nonsense fo a little while....
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I also wanted to add that your younger children are learning from you. They are learning how to react to a bully.

    Give yourself and your younger children the gift of standing up for yourself. Set healthy boundaries. Stop allowing yourself to be abused by your daughter.

    Do not do or give anything to your difficult child when she is behaving badly. difficult child needs to learn "do-to-get". And a big part of "do-to-get" is treating others with respect.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sending you a HUGE gentle hug and alot of support. What you are feeling is OK....do not feel guilty....it IS ok to feel like you feel. Actually it is better than OK...it is GOOD that you feel this way because that means she has not won the blankin' war, even if she "got you" today or yesterday. YOU are the Mom and she can not change that role. In 12 months or less she will be a legal adult. Honestly, lol, I can't even tell you how many CD Mom's are working on a backward calendar to the eighteenth birthday. You are not alone.

    I have to admit I have not walked in your shoes. on the other hand I am so darn old and I've raised eight teens and I can for sure guarantee you that your difficult child will "age out" of your life if she continues with her poor behaviors. Look at the light at the end of the tunnel. It is there and slowly but surely her train will pass and you and your husband and your easy child will have a life that is relatively stress free.

    Focus on survival AND your easy child. Is easy child getting good therapy? Are you and easy child able to share feelings with-o fear? Of course as the Mom you can not tell easy child I can hardly wait until your xxxing sister is out of here. But you can share that you want easy child to have the happiest life possible and let her tell you how she feels, what (if anything) she would like changed etc. So long as difficult child is not physically abusive you have limited options. on the other hand I'd suggest that you be very very thankful that you can see an end in sight. Many hugs, DDD
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Just sending many peaceful thoughts your way. I do not live this situation but did recently tell my teen son that I will not live like this anymore. I said I know it's hard for you but if I can't help you I will find a place that will. He has not touched me since. Not sure how long it will last but that feeling of so totally wanting to give up hit many of us. Yet we march on. I love the idea of setting up rewards for your easy child to have great times with you! That doez not mean being mean to difficult child but shows easy child and difficult child that respect and cooperation equals fun times. Yup I like that ...do good, get good.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, I'm so sorry for you. She is seventeen and will be eighteen in a year and I think it may be good idea to sort of just let her do her own clothes, make her own money with a part-time job, buy her own car if she wants to drive, etc. You certainly don't want to act the way she does, but she is almost a legal adult and you don't owe her anything. You'd be amazed how much nicer she will probably behave if she knows that being disrespectful makes her life very boring. Oh, yeah. Her cell phone bill can be on her head too now :)

    If she still heaps a ton of abuse on you, then at least you aren't rewarding her for doing it. Are you positive she is not using drugs or abusing alcohol? That's probably the biggest reason teens go overboard in being obnoxious. Almost all teens are difficult, but if they cross a certain line, then it's a good idea to check their rooms or Facebook accounts or cell phone accounts to make sure drugs aren't in the picture.

    I'm really sorry you have to go through this.
  8. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I know how you feel. The anger. The resentment. I have felt that same way towards my difficult child because of the things that he says and does, not just to me, but to my easy child as well. You need to stop doing for her. Focus your positive attention on your younger daughter. n If the older one is going to treat you like $hit, then you need to stop giving her access to you. If she wants favors, tell her no. She needs you to drive her somewhere? You're going out and then take easy child and GO!
  9. IT1967

    IT1967 Member

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and I've had similar thoughts myself about my daughter. I do worry about how her actions affect my son. My kids are much younger, but I don't want my son to learn these bad behaviors. She's not abusive, but nothing seems to make her very happy for too long. I hope you're able to find some relief.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    You are not alone, Dst_99.

    You don't have to stop showing emotion. But you do have to stop feeling like you owe your teenager daughter anything. Long ago, I made the decision to do the right thing for my difficult child son, no matter how much he said he hated me, no matter how much he yelled. Because if he was going to be obnoxious anyway, why not do the right thing?
    It has worked much better than I anticipated. Which sometimes isn't a whole lot. But reading the notes on this board has given me hope.
    And every now and then, there is a ray of hope from my son, too.
    Do NOT let her make you feel this way. Maybe being a robot around HER and not around everyone else will work. I have often pretended that my son was just the TV on a horrid, loud station so that I could detach.
    And detachment is just what you need right now. And rhino skin.
    Please, do not give up on your own therapy. You have earned it, you deserve to take care of yourself.

    And make a point to take your youngest out once a wk, just the two of you, alone, for lunch or a movie or a walk. Talk about her classes, her friends, fun books, something that shows her you care about her.

    I totally agree with-DF that you have to draw boundaries.
  11. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    You have every right to feel this way. There have been many days that I have felt the exact same way. If you scroll through my previous posts at one point I was actively searching for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for my difficult child. I am going to agree with what everyone else is saying. First, do not pass on your therapy. It is hard to hear and harder to do, but you need to put yourself first. Then do for your easy child. Let your difficult child deal with her own issues. She will be out of the house at 18. All you have to so is give her a roof food and basic clothing. Nothing more. I have taken a giant step away from difficult child, and it has helped us both.
  12. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member


    I have decided that on the 18th when we see the therapist I am going to make it very clear what her behavior is going to cost her.

    She lives such an entitled life and does very little for anyone around her. Even when I dog sit she gets mad because she doesn't see why we should help someone else out. I'm not allowed (her words) to volunteer to help with parent groups or organizations she is involved in and when I chose to I have to do it on her terms or she threatens to quit. At this point it is just easier to walk away from doing the things that might allow me to have a life.

    Maybe if she realizes that I don't have to provide a car, cell phone, and college funds she will see what she is up against.
  13. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Oh no - you have it backwards! YOU join whatever you want...if SHE quits, she quits. Organizations are always happy for volunteers. If she doesn't like you being there - HER loss...not yours.

    This is not a "battle" - this is YOU standing up for YOU. You do what feels right - what feels good - what makes you happy. If difficult child doesn't like it - SHE leaves.

    If you know you are going to dog sit for a weekend, you tell difficult child that you are dog-sitting. She is welcome to stick around if she can be pleasant - otherwise, SHE will need to find somewhere else to stay for the weekend. No yelling...no arguing...just matter-of-fact.

    You can do it! You are stronger than you think!

    Good luck!!!
  14. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    You are right. I have been volunteering with her cheer team I just make sure that everything I work on doesn't put me in contact with her. Plus I don't ask for her help with any of it. I load the car myself or run the errands myself because GOD FORBID she have to do anything.

    As for the dog I don't give her a choice I just say "I hope you never need any help." She certainly doesn't help out anyone so it is highly doubtful anyone would step up to help her out.

    In some ways it is a battle---in that I am battling that loving mother part of me who wants my child to love me, be respectful, and have a heart. I think it is the hardest thing I have ever done.
  15. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    It IS hard. I have been there. I can't tell you how many times I have had my heart broken. And then one day - that was it. It had been stomped one too many times...and I stopped giving a rat's patootie about how difficult child felt about things. I started doing things for ME - just ME and nobody else but ME. And it was mean, and selfish, and I didn't care...

    Surprisingly - that was the beginning of the turnaround. And now that difficult child has learned that Mom is not impressed with her rages, and tantrums, and threats - I get treated with (mostly) respect.

    It's weird, isn't it? One would think that I would have been appreciated for everything that I had done....everything that I had given...all the sacrifices I made...but no. I didn't get appreciated until difficult child saw me as a PERSON - an INDIVIDUAL.

    And when she saw that she could no longer take me for granted, her attitude toward me began to change.

    I think maybe us Moms are sacrificing too much for our kids - and so they don't even really "see" us. We are just the servants keeping everything running in the background while they are the star of the show. That needs to change...
  16. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    As far as "difficult child management" goes....I think this is not the best approach. difficult child already views you as "weak". The fact that you demand her help with pet-sitting tasks only reinforces the idea that you cannot function without difficult child's assistance...not only in difficult child's mind, but maybe in easy child's mind, too. At this point, a strong, self-entitled difficult child certainly does not envision ever asking for help - and certainly not from you.

    Instead, it might be more empowering to say "easy child and I have got this. Since you are so annoyed with pet-sitting...why don't you get out of our hair for a while?"

    Is Cheerleading the activity that she threatened to quit if you participate? Really? She's really gonna quit because Mom supports the team? I cannot believe that you have not been tempted to call her bluff on that one! I mean, what's she gonna say? Sorry, everyone. Since I can't stand the idea of my Mom helping, I have to quit. Gimme a break.

    Take a stand! Next event - show up in the biggest, brightest, most outrageous holiday sweater you can find. Put antlers on your head. Wear jingle bells. Be obnoxiously festive! And hand everyone there a goodie-bag labelled "Happy Holiday's from difficult child's Mom!"

    You will be a star! And difficult child will hear tons of comments about how she has the NICEST Mom!

    Wow! difficult child, your Mom is so sweet!
    Is that your Mom? She's so fun!
    Your Mom is the best!

    And if difficult child feels she must quit after that? Oh well, too bad, so sad...

    You keep going!
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I hear you.
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Go DF! LOL.
  19. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    You can sure tell which parents have experience with what kinds of kids...
    I'm sure DF has at least a couple dozen more tricks up her sleeve.
  20. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Oh i dont ask for help! I feed the dog and we have a doggie door with a fenced in yard. All she might have to do it open the doggie door which she would be doing for all the dogs not just the one we are sitting.

    LOL I stood up to her this year and took the vice president of the Booster club after being president last year. I had agreed with her to take a step back since it is ALOT of work and her father is deployed right now. The VP position does nothing but in her mind being VP was a big deal. She wanted me to be a secretary or treasurer at most because she thinks that is less work. Funny part is Secretary and Treasurer positions are more work most of the time.

    Last year I was "THAT" mother. The one that brings them meals and buys their bows and makes their goodie bags. She hated it. LOL because she sees my giving to others as taking from her. She gets furious if I spend $20 on a kid even if she knows that kid has parents on welfare. I think that links into the dog too. I am expending energy on something she feels takes away from her. Either way it didn't matter how much the other girls appreciated it she hated me being involved.

    We shall see if she follows through with the threat after tonight. Our Booster Club President quit and I am the replacement unless someone else steps in, which of course wont happen. Thankfully the year is almost over and all the fundraising is done so I wont have anything to do other than direct payments to people.

    To be honest if it didnt affect the other kids on the team so drastically I would have pulled her out months ago but competition cheer isn't like baseball. The entire team would pay and that wouldnt be fair to them. Top that off with cheerleading giving me several hours of sanity a week and I tend to look favorably on her participation.