I think H has flipped his lid

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KFld, Oct 2, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    My bff Jill just called me. My h called her on his way to counseling. He told her he thinks I'm doing this because I have never really had another relationship besides ours and I feel I need to experiment elsewhere?????? He then told her that he needs to know what I'm going to do soon because he can't keep waiting around and he doesn't want to be alone for the holidays, so if I'm not interested in working this out, he needs to start looking.

    First of all, the farthest thing from my mind is finding someone else at this point, 2nd of all I have been in other relationships before him, though ours was the healthiest if you can believe that, and 3rd of all, if he needs to find someone before the holidays then he can go ahead and start looking.

    Jill told him to make sure he discusses all of these things with the counselor. Boy would I love to be a fly on the wall today!!!!!!

    Oh and he also told her that he's been attempting to get me to go places with him, but I haven't been interested. Well gee let's see, you have been to one counseling session, we haven't even resolved anything as far as our marriage, never mind getting to the point of being friends yet, but I should be willing to go places with him and do things.

    There are moments I miss him and moments that I think, run run as fast as you can while you have the chance :hammer: :faint:
     
  2. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    He is dillusional! Why does he keep calling your friend? Doesn't he have any friends of his own? Or do they all think he's nuts?
     
  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    All of his friends think what he is doing is absolutley crazy, and they have told him that.

    He has always been close to my boyfriend jill and has confided in her things over the years. Nothing to do with me before that she ever hid from me, but for some reason he feels he can talk to her now and though she is very honest with him about how she feels about what he is doing and gives him her honest opinion of everything, he has no clue she tells me these things. Sometimes I wonder if she should tell me because I can't repeat them, but I just want to scream.

    He is absolutley dillusional. I think these are the things he wants but once again can't take the responsibility of admitting it and ending the marriage. That would make it his fault in his eyes and he wants to be able to tell people I left him.

    I hope he tells the counselor all of this because I can already hear her reactions now!! She doesn't pull any punches. What will happen though is he won't like her responses and he will stop going.

    Oh well, his choice.

    My girlfriend asked him how he would feel if I went out and experimented with different relationships like he wants to do, and thinks I want to do, and then came back and said, oh I made a mistake honey, all I want is you. He told her he doesn't know what he would do. I'll tell you what he would do, it would kill him and he'd never speak to me again, but by admitting this to himself he's admitting that it would be wrong for him to do that and he's hoping he can do that and then I will take him back if he decides he doesn't want to be with someone else. It's like he's projecting everything he wants onto me. It's really bizarre. He told her how one of our friends was joking around and asked him if he could hit on me now and he flipped out about it. Let's see.... you had an affair, but your flipping out because someone is teasing about hitting on me.
     
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think I would feel a little uncomfortable about this talking relationship with Jill. I mean, he can talk to whoever he wants, I suppose, but if it were my friend, I would be happier if she told him "I don't know who you think you are or what you think you are doing but I am not here for you. I'm Karen's friend, so step off!"

    To me it seems as though your friend continuing to befriend him in any way makes his position seem tenable, and he just plain should be shunned.
     
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> My bff Jill just called me. My h called her on his way to counseling. He told her he thinks I'm doing this because I have never really had another relationship besides ours and I feel I need to experiment elsewhere?????? He then told her that he needs to know what I'm going to do soon because he can't keep waiting around and he doesn't want to be alone for the holidays, so if I'm not interested in working this out, he needs to start looking.</div></div>

    My opinion, for what it's worth...... He's grasping at straws hoping you're still gonna change your mind, while continuing to NOT see how his own actions have cause all of this. He's stll trying to lay the blame at your feet.

    Hugs
     
  6. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    I agree with witzend. I would be uncomfortable knowing my best friend was still talking to my soon to be ex. Plus telling you this stuff only gets more things stirred up. Just MHO.

    I think you are right about him projecting on you. He is dilusional.

    Steph
     
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    The reason I like her talking to him is because she tells me what he says. I don't want to be fooled into thinking he's taking the right steps, only to find out he's lieing to me. I guess she's pretty much betraying him because she's my bestfriend and wouldn't dream of not telling me these things, but I would never know them if he wasn't telling her and her in turn telling me. The only problem is I can't react to the things she tells me because I don't want him to know she's telling me.

    She is honest with her feelings and opinions when he tells her these things though, so I don't feel in anyway betrayed by her in the least. She's honest with him that what he's doing and feeling is wrong, and he keeps coming back for more from her, so maybe he wants me to know these things. Who knows????
     
  8. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    in my humble opinion, your H is a very unstable person. He is trying his best to "get to you" and is probably acting out even more because he sees it isn't upsetting you.

    It sounds like he can't stand being alone. He sounds very unhappy and totally unsure of himself. I hope he decides to continue with counseling. in my humble opinion, he really needs help!!!

    I also agree with Lisa. It sounds like he wants you back. I also agree with Witzend. I think he should find someone other than your best friend to talk to.

    You have so much inner strength. I truly believe that you will come out of this mess a much happier person with an even stronger sense of self. WFEN
     
  9. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    It sounds like he has some serious fears about being alone.

    I'm with witzend on the friend thing. If you and H work things out and stay together, it will make things hard on your marriage and your friendship with Jill.
     
  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    He has huge fears about being alone. This is something he has to deal with. He needs to learn how to be happy with himself before anyone else is going to make him happy.

    He doesn't want to even give me the time to deal with what happened. He just wants to know if he can move on or not???

    If he needs an answer right now, then he can just move on, because I don't have an answer yet about anything.
     
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wow.
    I agree. Run as fast as you can.
    I can't add much, except that at some point, Jill is going to grow tired of this soap opera and feel that she has to choose between you (which sounds like a good idea, assuming she chooses you!). It will wear her down eventually.
     
  12. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: KFld</div><div class="ubbcode-body">He has huge fears about being alone. This is something he has to deal with. He needs to learn how to be happy with himself before anyone else is going to make him happy.

    He doesn't want to even give me the time to deal with what happened. He just wants to know if he can move on or not???

    If he needs an answer right now, then he can just move on, because I don't have an answer yet about anything. </div></div>

    Oh, Karen, I wholeheartedly agree. You should not feel pressured or rushed just because he doesn't want to spend the holiday's alone. I was just making an observation.

    You know, in my experience, it's really not uncommon...the fear of being alone. I see people all around me all the time going from one relationship to another without giving themselves time in between. Those are the people that tend to repeat their mistakes, too.

    I have a friend like this. Within 6 months of ending an 18 year marriage, he was engaged to someone else (after a whole 2 months of dating). I asked him what they had in common. He couldn't answer. The thing they have in common? Neither one of them wants to be alone.

    I'm not justifying or excusing H's behavior in any way. in my opinion, his behavior is inexcusable.
     
  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: KFld</div><div class="ubbcode-body">The reason I like her talking to him is because she tells me what he says. I don't want to be fooled into thinking he's taking the right steps, only to find out he's lieing to me. </div></div>

    I think you can pretty much assume that he's lying to you. LOL!

    :rolleyes:

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> Jill is going to grow tired of this soap opera </div></div>

    She may end up choosing to just walk away from both of you. That would be a shame. We can only expect so much of our friends. It'll be easier if she's just supportive of you, rather than all involved in his insanity. When you're ready to know that there's just nothing more he can say or do that can be trusted, it might be easier on her if you let her step out of that role.
     
  14. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    he sounds like my ex........

    As someone who remarried very quickly after a divorce, I can honestly see finding that "someone" unexpectedly. I did. Even my kids saw it right away, how alike the two of us are.
    But I wasn't looking for someone, and I wasn't afraid of being alone. It just happened, and I wasn't about to "wait" some prescribe period of time to suit everyone else.

    Anyway, I totally agree with the statement that he needs to know himself. That is my ex's biggest problem. He doesn't like himself, doesn't trust himself, and therefore has real problems in relationships - even with the kids.
     
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I can't remember. Is Jill happily married? My Ex was "on the
    prowl" as soon as I suggested we "separate" "get counseling" and
    "see if we could become a healthy family unit". It was TOO long
    for him to wait. He needed "attention" and "admiration" pronto!
    Is Jill single? DDD
     
  16. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    D3 and I are on the same wavelength. I was also wondering if Jill was single.

    Remember...men replace, women grieve.

    Hmmm...................

    Suz
     
  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He is worried about you going out to find someone else? Didn't he already do that? He has flipped his lid!

    :slap:
     
  18. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I'm laughing at the question of if Jill is single. I will have to tell her you all asked me that. Jill was divorced years ago and I introduced her to her husband of 6 years and the absolute love of her life. She truly is my bff and if you knew her and our relationship and friendship, you would be laughing at the question also.

    Jill is a true friend and everyone loves her and finds her so easy to talk too. Even if she was single, she thinks my h is totally off the walls, so he would be the last person on earth she would be looking for, but they have become good friends over the years. She is my bff and there is no doubt in my mind who she would choose in the end.

    When she called me today she was beside herself at what he was saying. She was actually teasing me and saying she thought she knew everything about me, but according to h, she didn't know me at all. I think it's h who doesn't know me at all, or himself at this point.

    And yes busywend, he did already do that and I believe he has really flipped his lid.
     
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Suz and DDD...that is exactly what happened in my parents marriage!

    My mom wanted a separation and divorce from my dad, she started confiding in her best friend Pat all about it, my moms best friend started commiserating with my father about how nutty my mom was...which is a true thing...and eventually...my moms best friend Pat started dating my DAD!!!

    Now my moms former best friend is my step mom....lmao.
     
  20. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Suz is 100% right. Men replace. They can't grieve because then they would have to FEEL.

    That's a 4 letter word, y'all.

    He just wants to know if he's gonna have to poop or get off the pot. What he did in the past should not matter. That's feeling. He does not want you to feel, he wants you to think. And do it now.

    Venus and Mars.
     
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