I think H has flipped his lid

[Star*]

K,

When you cease to care what he says, you'll be in a better place mentally.

Tell your BFF Jill to please not repeat what he says to you because you don't care. If you do care what he still says, thinks, has to say, is planning on, then get back with him.

Unless it would be something like "THE house is on fire". and in that case tell BFF Jill to tell him to call 911 - not you.

You're bigger than this. Stop playing the game (She said He said) and get on with your life. I've told you before he's not ready to see anything that he's done, he's lost his level of comfort and will lie, lie to BFF Jill, lie to himself to get back to it. The proof is that "Well if she isn't going to do X (what I thought she would do if I groveled as much as he thinks will do the trick to get back in your good graces) then I'm going to do ANYONE." Which actually is what he did in the first place isn't it? OR did I miss something?

He's telling you and controlling you once again, except now it's through BFF Jill. (And you're falling for it by entertaining the idea of asking her Jack squat about what he said) Tell her the next time he confides in her about (your marriage) to ask her to say "Huh, that's funny K doesn't even ask anymore about what you say she said if it was THAT important you'd be telling HER and NOT me."

To Quote Stevie Nicks - Players only love you when they're playin'.

Hugs
Star

 

[donna723]

Yep! I agree! He has lost it! My best advice to you is to ...

<span style="color: #FF0000"><span style='font-size: 14pt'>RUN!!!</span></span> :dance:

Just keep reminding yourself that he CHOSE this! When we CHOOSE the behaviors, we also CHOOSE the consequences. Men who cheat on their wives at the worst possible time, move out and form a whole new circle of "friends" run the risk of being alone on the holidays! Too bad, so sad! HIS choice!

His "new life" isn't what he thought it would be, he's regreting giving up what he had, and now he's desperately trying to get back into his old familiar life, just like nothing ever happened! He still doesn't sound like he's willing to accept responsibility for all this! Instead he's rationalizing, twisting things around, and trying to put it all off on you! He probaby has himself almost convinced! It just gets worse and worse!

I really think men have a much harder time being on their own than women do, at least at first. They suddenly realize that laundry doesn't do itself and dinner doesn't magically appear on the table at night and houses are not self-cleaning. That's why so many of them rush right into another relationship (or get back into the old one!) He keeps trying to draw you back in to all the craziness and keep you involved in his life, no matter what. You're going to have to learn to "detach" from him and his problems the same way we sometimes have to "detach" from our childrens' chaotic lives. You are not responsible for his choices or his behavior - he is. He's a grown man and he needs to take responsibility and solve his problems on his own.

 

[trinityroyal]

Count me in on the side of not listening to what he's saying, to your bff Jill, or to anyone else.

But...you need to focus on you right now. What you want, what you need, what you plan for your future. Paying too much attention to what your H is up to right now will not help you figure these things out.

You already know that he's lied to you, and chances are good that he'll do so again. So hearing the play-by-play all the time just keeps you chained together.

I also think that if your H quits therapy, then it says a lot about his commitment (or lack thereof) to heal the rift between you. If you are still open to reconciling with him, then he has to do the work to right the wrongs he's done. If you're not, then the sooner you cut him loose completely, the better off you are.

My ex-H did this when we were in therapy. He didn't like what the therapist said, so he quit after 2 or 3 sessions. After that, I kept going to marriage counselling (or rather, divorce preparation) on my own, which gave me the strength to get it done.

You've spent a long long time taking care of other people's needs. It's time to take care of you.

 

[Marguerite]

I know it is good advice to not listen to what Jill tells you, but the reality is often different.

been there done that. Not with a broken marriage, but with other issues, including my stalker (who was behaving like this bloke). My stalker would confide in a close (male) friend of mine, who would then tell me everything, highly amused. Since my close friend was telling me so much, I began to think - how much is he telling my stalker? And then I found my stalker coming out with information (vie my male close friend) that neither of them should have known - it was coming from another good friend. None of this information was exactly top secret, but it told me that friends who tell you things are also friends who tell other people things. They can be good friends, caring friends, but they love to talk and to listen.

So I began to censor what I told these two friends. I did it calmly, dispassionately, as if I were titrating a chemical solution. A little bit of this, carefully noted; a little bit of that. Then wait and observe.

My male friend was telling me what the stalker said (which was generally twisted from obscure gossip he'd gleaned about me around the village) and I was concerned my best friend (female) was sharing too much about me with others, who were then sharing it with stalker. This later turned out to be true, and best friend was horrified when she found herself betrayed by the person responsible for passing on my gossip.

But in the meantime - I feigned lack of interest, never asked "what has he been saying?" but I made darn sure I listened when I heard what he was saying. I needed to know, because it helped me define the boundaries of communication - who I could talk to, who I could not (no matter how much I otherwise valued the friendship) and what I had to absolutely never tell anyone, not even my best friend.

For a long time I said nothing other than commenting on the weather. I've found that if you ask someone about their own children, their health or their family, you don't have to say much about yourself.

Karen, Jill is currently in the middle. H is confiding in her, he surely MUST suspect she is saying SOMETHING to you, or if not saying something, sounding you out so he can later go back to her and say, "So what did you find out?"
I finally told my close friend (male) that I could not confide in him any more, because it would not be fair to him. Stalker is a skilled interrogator, and the less close friend knew, the less stalker could find out. As it happened, close friend (male) had his own problems he wanted to discuss, so he stopped asking me anything personal, for which I was grateful. And when stalker finally realised (several years later) that friend knew nothing, he stopped hassling him.

Best friend - I now know I can trust her completely. She had a close friend who turned out to be a malicious individual, who was herself another stalker (of a number of people). Once she was gone, t he extra source of information mysteriously dried up.

So the summary of all this - you need to take a load off Jill. Stop confiding in her so much. She is debriefing on you because H alone is a strain. Don't double her load. Listen if she tells you, but don't seek information. If you must confide, find someone else. No matter how much you care about her, no matter how much you trust her - what she doesn't know, she can't accidentally reveal. When all this is over, THEN you can open up to her a bit more. When he stops confiding in her so much.

Interestingly, this is what easy child 2/difficult child 2's exBF did, when he broke up with her. He immediately went to HER friends and tried to convince them that she was being hard on HIM! Even to the point where she had to refuse an invitation to a party and sleepover, because HE was going to be there, because they felt sorry for HIM because he had just broken up with his girlfriend - and they were HER friends, not his! Their loyalties got confused and it really hurt her to see the problems he was causing, in his desperation to lean emotionally on everyone else instead of facing up to his own responsibility in the whole mess.

Your H is projecting. He is making assumptions about you which are really a reflection of his own understanding about his own motives, desires and behaviours. He really sounds a great deal like easy child 2/difficult child 2's ex-boyfriend. She loved him a great deal, but since he has gone she has blossomed as she has realised that she was not as happy as she had thought she was. A weight has gone from her and she is now a lot lighter and happier.

I hope you can be happier too.

Marg

 

[KFld]

I have to tell you all that I told bff Jill that a few of you were wondering if she was single and she was hysterical. Believe me, she is one of the people telling me that I would be nuts to even consider reconciling with him if he doesn't get serious help and face his issues.

I know what you are all saying, but there is not a worry in my mind of her ever betraying me. I will however though take her off the spot of feeling she is betraying him, because they are friends. I am going to suggest that if she hears things from him that she suggest to him that he tell me these things himself, or talks to his counselor about them.

I don't go to counseling until Friday this week, but I am looking forward to it as usual.

 

[Kjs]

I think he is not well. Some major brain confusion going on here.

 

[1905]

Hi,
It seems like he is getting farther and farther out there. For yourself, think about what of future you want to have-and then think about what you need to do to get there. Maybe you don't know what you want, but you do know what you don't want. You deserve the best!! To thyne own self be true. He is telling your girlfriend this because he knows she'll tell you. Let him look elswhere, you don't need to settle for anything.-Alyssa