I think he's going down...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemyson1, Feb 24, 2016.

  1. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Hi all,

    It's been a while since I last wrote. He's been in the men's home for 182 days as of today. I really thought he was on track this time and even had a great plan to go in the Military in the next couple of months. Well, yesterday the man who runs the home, called my husband and said that my son was missing. Later that night around 7 he did come home and lied that he was just asleep in the back yard. He later confessed that he took some medications (5) from the dentist office. Well, we called him today and he is of course, down playing it all. Saying, he slipped up but he's on track. Sorry, but I've been here before and if he is trying to get his life back, he should never, ever use anything other than tylenol or ibuprofin. He said he just wanted to chill. That tells me a lot! He still wants to get high!!! When is he ever gonna realize that he can't go back to this lifestyle? I thought they were gonna kick him out but as usual, my son used his charm and he's still there. I'm thankful he's there because I feel that relief of him having a home but I am also thinking it won't be long before they've had enough. I'm so sad. My husband is stressed out and so greatly disappointed. I just don't know what to do. We told him he's never to come home again, he needs to figure it out. He said he will. I just wanted to share and ask for wisdom from my CD family. Love you all!
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2016
  2. JMom

    JMom Member

    Hi love,

    If you go to the parent emeritus forum and read "I bought my kid a tent" thread, it's a snapshot of having been where you are in this journey.

    I'm glad you're here. We all hurt here and have stories of fear, hurt, healing and recovery. Don't lose faith in your son. It may be a temporary set back or may lead him on another path. Either way, be kind to yourself. It sounds like you've put a lot of time in.

    I'm praying for God to put people in your son's path to remind him of all the reasons to stay sober. Prayers for you kiddo!
     
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  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Relapse is part of recovery.

    As someone else said, don't write the ending to the story - that is his to write. It could go in any of a number of different directions, including some that you don't know exist.
     
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Lovemyson, So sorry for your need to be here, I quickly reviewed your list of threads, it's been an up and down road for you with your son. I am sorry for the heartache of it all.
    One thing I know I have read here is that recovery is not a perfect process. There will be steps forward and back, just like us with detachment. There is a thread too, which talks about not being so vested in outcomes. I think the stress and anxiety would be similar to when our d cs are using.

    I believe the best thing we can do as parents is to switch our focus and work on building ourselves up, and living well. Posting here helps, reading, naranon meetings, anything you can do to build your toolbox.

    My two have been out of the house for going on 6 months, I gave them over to God. This is their path and journey, and I pray for them, while trying to build myself up for whatever comes along the way. I love my daughters too, and I tried my best as a parent, to give them my all. Made mistakes along the way, but I have got to believe that they do remember the good things that I have taught them, despite the path they are on now. Waiting for the day they will break free of using and step towards recovery.

    LMS, your son is trying, this is good. He is learning. I pray that he gets back on track with sobriety, and finds his purpose and meaning.

    In the mean time, take care of your needs and be gentle with yourself. We are all warriors working hard to live as best we can. Soldiers need r&r too, make sure you are able to do something that gives you peace and allows you to breathe.

    (((Hugs)))
    leafy
     
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  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry LMS. You have been through this many times. 182 days, wow that's quite a while for him to mess up again, but we know it happens. Hope he gets back on track.
     
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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    A relapse is actually normal. Please dont get too upset. He has been doing amazing. There is so much reason to hope. Let go and see where this goes... hugs.
     
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  7. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thank you all so much! Your words are always so comforting and encouraging. I haven't heard from him since our last convo a few days ago. But no news is good news because I know I'll get a call if he leaves or messes up. So for that I am grateful for now. I do feel concerned because his father told him he's not in our will until he proves himself and is clean, sober, etc. This really upset our son and he got really angry. I always try to be positive with him but his father is more strict and tries to say or do anything to get him on track. I told my husband to let it go, have faith and stop trying to control the situation. I think he's learning. Thank you all again, especially for the prayers! I remain hopeful and extremely guarded. It's out of my control this I know.
     
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Last night I spoke the truth to my son of how I feel, how my son's presence made me feel, and how I will do whatever I need to do to keep myself safe, my home safe and my relationship safe with M. I could see my son affected. All he could say is that he was afraid. I saw him wipe away tears. It was not an act.

    Of course this would traumatize them. Inside they are our children, even if they act in a million ways like intruders, betrayers, lost boys.

    I think part of me wants to affect this place in my son that is a true thing. My son. Even if it causes him pain. I want him to feel pain, not that he might suffer, but so that I know he is there. Somebody that depends upon my love and needs me, the real me. Not just me of whom he can take advantage. I want to know he feels so that I can have hope, he might return. My son.
    Yes. This is true. And good counsel.

    We set up a special needs trust. Which we could do because my son has mental illness/capacity issues. This way my son can never control any monies and can still receive public help like Medical and SSI. This pains me because I always thought my son would receive what I have. But I see no other choice right now.

    If your husband is trying by punishing your son to control an outcome by dis-inheriting him, I fear it will cause more pain to your husband, than it will control or motivate any changing by your son.

    We struggle with accepting the reality of our sons' limitations and their impaired choices. It is that which you rightly point out to your husband (and to me, too). I think that is the crux of it for me, my resistance to today, accepting things as they are. Forget the future. Now. I think if I accepted now, the future would just be a series of nows.

    Are your husband and I afraid to die, of letting go, our responsibility for our sons? I mean, it seems to me to be that. I am afraid that if I face today as it is, that he is impaired...I lose hope. Which is what you are saying. Is it a question of faith?

    This is an interesting question to me. On a number of FOO threads we have been writing about Joseph in the bible and wondering how he was able to hold onto his faith in himself, his belief in his intrinsic value, despite how he was treated. We came to the sense that it was because he felt he was unconditionally loved by his G-d. His image of himself was that. Unconditionally accepted.

    I am not a religious woman. I am wondering after reading your post if I have been limited in that in ways I have not yet faced.

    So if I look at my sense of reassurance when I saw my son tears, I can see that the tears I need to feel, the hardness I need to see is in me.

    What I am saying here (I am clarifying to myself) is that the relationship I seem to be seeking to restore is one between myself and hope. Not between my son and myself. If I believe what you are saying (and I do) my relationship with my son is always there. It is I who doubt.


    Thank you.

    COPA
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2016
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Yes.
    Yes.

    I think the peace we look for is in us. We are so destabilized by their instability. Our lives and theirs feel the same to us. I am sounding like I am preaching here. Forgive me. I speak only to myself. The relationship I need to work on is entirely within myself lest I not be dependent upon my son doing or being one single thing as a condition for my having faith in him, in myself or in the unfolding of our lives as they are and will be.

    Thank you for posting Lovemyson. I love mine too.

    COPA
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2016
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    For men, it is different. While this sounds harsh,and angered your son, I think your husband sharing his real feelings and concern is a good thing. It is honest. Who knows what might be a catalyst for our kids to wake up and smell the proverbial coffee. Perhaps your positivity, coupled with your husbands straight forwardness, might just be what will help trigger your son to long to find his purpose? I do think that our kids need to understand how all of this effects us. It does hurt us to see them struggle so. I think that is real and true, and it is okay for them to know this.
    This whole business with my two is one of the most painful things I have ever dealt with. I have had to try and put it out of my mind altogether, yet I am here posting, every day. It is a constant reminder to me, and I feel a need to keep writing it out, that's it write it out, or it all piles up inside. As I write this, LMS, it may be of little consolation to you, and I am sorry, but from where I stand with my two, it feels hopeful to me that your son is trying again. I know not of my eldest whereabouts, if she is still using, or what is going on with her.
    Still, Lovemyson, it must be so difficult to have your heartstrings pulled again, the ups and downs and sideways of it.
    I couldn't have written this any better. Forgive me please for sounding preachy, it is the same for me, I am writing to you, and myself as well.
    I am thinking of Viktor Frankl and his explanation of the spark humans have for finding purpose and meaning in our lives. It exists in all of us. I pray that your son find his way out of the grip of addiction. I pray all of our children find their way.

    Thank you for posting Lovemyson. I do find hope in your sons efforts and pray for the day when my two recognize the need for help and change. Yes, indeed, it truly is out of our control......
    Keep the faith...

    (((HUGS)))
    leafy
     
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    There's two sides to your hubby's feelings, LMS.
    Sounds kind of harsh to "cut him out of the will if he is still an addict". But... on the other hand, you don't really want to hand an addict any kind of sum of money - either while you are alive, or after you are gone. They can't handle it.

    Can you explicitly leave his share in there, but if he is still not meeting certain conditions (like being clean and having his life together) that his share goes to his children?
     
  12. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    It certainly is one of the hardest things in the world to watch our children cry. I'm sorry Copa. My heart constantly aches for each of us. But as long as they're living there is hope! Thank you for your words they were heartfelt and moved me.
     
  13. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Yes I understand why he did it and I even agree that we should never give an addict money. His reasons were only to motivate him. I just don't know if it did more harm than good!
     
  14. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    That will be the plan, to write in our will the condition of his sobriety and next time we talk to him we will explain. My husband apologized to me after I explained my concerns. He has so much love and hopes for our one and only amazing son! God how I want to see him be successful! And you all are right, my son is trying and I need to celebrate that! Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!
     
  15. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LMS I understand your concern. To be honest with you up until recently our wills were written so that her portion would be in a trust with our other daughter as trustee, to be used for her education or training or living accommodations. And then my father died. While his will was moot because he had nothing to probate, he did have several life insurance policies. I was always on them until I guess a few years ago when he took my name off and left everything to my sister. Long story, not worth sharing, but it hurt me very very much. Not because of the money but because of the symbolism behind that.

    Right after dad's funeral I asked my husband to have our wills changed to split everything down the middle, no restrictions. I never wanted my children to feel like I felt. I decided since I would be dead I wouldn't know what she did with the money and it was more important that she understood that we loved her and her sister the same.

    I understand why your husband said what he did because I said many things over the years in an attempt to break through to her and make her stop her destructive ways. It never worked, it always backfired.

    I hope you don't take what I said as criticism because like I said we did the exact same thing, just wanted to share my hurt over the will thing to give you another perspective. I will always wonder what I did to have my dad reject me like he did, and it will never make sense to me.
     
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  16. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thank you for that insight. I don't take it as criticism at all. Your words have me thinking. I would hate to think that I hurt my son when I die and could never make things right. You're right, we need to split it down the middle. We need to show equal love and unconditional love. I just fear if he's still using when we pass, he will waste his share and hurt himself. Maybe before we die we will have the joy of seeing him fix his life once and for all! I want that for each of us!
     
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  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Me too.

    That is the position M (my Significant Other) takes, that I should leave everything to my son, happen what happens.

    When my mother died my son lost his share of his inheritance in 2 weeks.

    I made a special needs trust where he cannot control the assets, and they will not affect his ability to get public benefits. (My son is on SSI and Medicaid.)

    It pains me so, that all I and my family have worked for, my son will never get. If he does not have children, it will pass to a charity. Oh how that upsets me, the thought of that.

    M believes that there is the possibility that my son, our sons, will step up. And that not trusting them to do so is not the right thing.

    I am still not convinced. I am grateful to this discussion, to know I am not alone.

    COPA
     
  18. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    I also want to say that I'm sorry your dad left you out of his inheritance. That would surely hurt. I hope you're able to let go and forgive because holding on to that is like a poison. You deserve so much more. From your words I believe you certainly didn't need it and were able to be quite successful without it. Good for you! I hope and pray our sons get well very soon!
     
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I want to just say my mother left me out of her will. It felt to me as if she never loved me and to this day it hurts. It hurts so much that when I pass I refuse to list her in my obit. My family knows to simply say "daughter of Fsther" and nobody else. I feel she punished me from the grave for one disagreement that actually harmed nobody. Ill take the hurt to my grave although I h a ve learned to radically accept it. Her action also caused me to detach from my siblings. It is a huge deal. I dont forgive as she did not want that. She wanted to show me how she felt and I got the message.
    If you love your kids, split everything unless he is on benefits, like copas son. Never consider conpletely.leaving him out unless you dont care if it damages his mind.. Dont use that as a threat. Just.........dint. unless you dont care about the pain you will leave brhind. And my mother didnt have much either. Trust me its not about the money.
     
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    Last edited: Mar 1, 2016
  20. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    I am sorry for your pain Somewhere. I am thankful for your insight and I see very clear now. My husband and I already talked and he always lets me have my way so he agreed we won't leave him out. However, my husband said none of them will receive anything until they are 59 1/2. Guess that's the magic number and hopefully our grandchildren will benefit as well. May I say that when one forgives it isn't for the person that hurt them, it's for the forgiver. I truly hope you can forgive your mom for your own benefit. Take good care sweetheart.
     
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