I think I have hit the bottom...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by aeditha17, Jan 16, 2008.

  1. aeditha17

    aeditha17 New Member

    Hello all.
    :bloodshot:
    For the first time, I can honestly say I am numb. I have been shell-shocked with this past week of every child of mine crying about school, screaming when left at school, beligerant, uncooperative, loving then hateful, resistant to any suggestion and school staff that is judgemental, condescending and unresponsive. I have gotten to the point that I can't hardly bring myself to talk.

    I have never wished I could go away (like drive to another state - not go away in the total sense), but right now it is all I can think about. Doesn't help that my husband is about as bad as the kids and actually sometimes worse. He's only on Xanax and alcohol - and believe me - he could use so much more! He is no help at all and the biggest narcissit(sp?) you have ever met. I live with THE professional victim. (Funny to say when I sound like that myself right now!!)

    I know that so many of you have handled and are handling so much worse and i really need to understand that it really isn't as bad as I think it is but somehow that thought isn't registering. I guess when you are eyeball deep in the chaos, you only see what you can see.

    For the past two years, friends have said to me "You are so strong - you're the strongest person I know". i am not that person today. All I want is a warm place to curl up in and sleep and have nothing to worry about.

    Just tell me I will make it and that everyone is going to come out on the other side. This is an official whine and moan post so just bear with me.
    Thanks to all of you for being the group of people who care and understand!
    :crying:
    B
     
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is definitely o.k. to whine and moan! It sounds like you are dealing with a lot and all by yourself. I know that feeling when people say you are so strong and you don't feel it.

    It sounds like you could definitely use a break even if it is a short one. Is there someone who could watch the kids for a night or a weekend?

    Also it is important to take good care of you at times like this. I know that is easier said than done. Even reading a good book or soaking in a hot tub can help.

    I'm sorry things are so hard right now. Sending gentle hugs and prayers your way tonight.
     
  3. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Hello Aeditha,

    Sorry you're having such a rough time. It sounds like you're under a lot of stress. Just because someone out there has more difficult problems than the ones you're dealing with right this minute doesn't make your troubles any less hard or hurtful or stressful. Don't make the mistake of minimizing your own pain, or feeling guilty because someone else has their own share of pain to deal with.

    We are all here to support each other, to offer advice, sometimes to lend an ear to listen to you and a shoulder to cry on.

    Take care of yourself. If at all possible, try to arrange for a break for just you. Most of all, don't beat yourself up. You're carrying a great weight, and bearing up the best way you know how under it. Feel free to whine and vent any time.

    Sending positive thoughts and prayers for peace and quiet,
    Trinity
     
  4. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    You will come out the only the other side... but only if you get a plan and implement it. Goal #1: start taking better care of you. husband simply must step up for a few hours a week so you can join a book club, take a class or even kick boxing. But you must get away regularly for a break. Even if you grab the paper and a cup of coffee at a local diner once a week! I'm on altar guild and my child is absolutely, positively not allowed to be with me during that time. It is my time and it is sacred to me (no pun intended). Then, it will probably time for husband to have his issues addressed to more acceptable level. This is so important because it sets an example to the children that you and husband both care enough to take care of your own mental and emotional health.
     
  5. aeditha17

    aeditha17 New Member

    Sadly, I really don't think he will seek any more help than he has. He is ill, no doubt, but it almost seems like he wants it that way. I have gone back and forth between what would be worse - handling this with him or without him and I am torn. Our daughter really loves her daddy, and he loves them all as best his unwell self can. But living with him is not healthy either. I come from the "Beaver Cleaver family" so I have no experience to draw from. Things always worked at my house.
    I would LOVE to have ME time, but he throws a guilt trip on me when I want to do something as simple as go to the bookstore alone, so unless I go toward drastic measures, that isn't going to happen.
    <sigh>
    I have a lot of things to ponder and decisions to make. This really stinks...

    B
     
  6. aeditha17

    aeditha17 New Member

    Can I just say that you all are the most wonderful supportive people in the WORLD! Your words mean so much.

    Thank you for being there!

    b
     
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    I wish I could help. I've been pretty overwhelmed and less than impressed lately as well, so at least I can sympathize!

    You've definately got your hands full and deserve so much better.

    I'll keep you in my thoughts and if I think of anything funny/inspiring, I'll kick in!

    Hugs!

    Beth
     
  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    One thing I discovered about guilt trips is that you can't be put on one unless you buy the ticket. My daughter was a pro at putting me on one. It was one of her great ways to manipulate me. She'd remind me of every bad thing, every mistake I had ever made in her life, my friends' lives, my mother's life, at work. She'd let me know how hurt she was by something I had said or done, no matter how innocent I was in thought and deed. This worked so well on me. It stopped me from having any life outside of her for a long, long time.

    When she started listing all the bad, I mentally started listing all the good. A response wasn't worth the effort, but it helped to remind myself that the comments weren't all that accurate in the scheme of her life with me.

    So, figure out the truth of your husband's words and remember that you are the one dealing with your kids most of the time, including coping with the pain, frustration and anger. Tell him he has a choice -- watch the kids for 4 hours every week or watch you grow totally insane and ultimately be put in the hospital (turn the guilt trip on him lol). Then, take an hour or so as needed and recharge.

    You might also suggest to him that if he doesn't get more help and not from a bottle, he can love his kids out of the house. Being separated doesn't mean he has to give up his kids. It just means he sees them less and lavishes all of his bound up love in short spurts. Stinks but may give him a wake up call. Who knows?

    I'm sorry you're going through this. Marriage should be a partnership. Sometimes it isn't for a short period. When it becomes a long period, it is time to try to make some changes. Good luck.

    HUGS
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sweetie, have you thought about going to Al-Anon for advice from others going through what you are? You didn't say your hub is an alcoholic, but it sure sounds like he is--Xanax and alcohol mixed can be dangerous too.
    I'd take a deep breath. Nothing is your fault. Evaluate your children one by one. I prefer NeuroPsychs. Get them help, and learn how to deal with hub. If you can't, do you have a place to go with your children? I know I didn't, but maybe you can get away. You have difficult kids to care for--you don't need to take care of a grown man too. (((Hugs)))
     
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Having a father figure around like this - is not good. It doesn't matter how much they love him or even how much YOU love him, if he is being ineffectual and refusing to take any personal responsibility, he needs to be shown the door. Keeping him there is sending a message to your kids, that it is OK to behave like he is, and to treat you that way. he is modelling bad behaviour and they will copy it.

    He also will not "get well" if he refuses to take any personal responsibility. He is blaming you.

    I became physically disabled after a bloke at work did something he shouldn't have, and I was injured. For a long time, I blamed him. I didn't want to cross paths with him because I was afraid of what I would say or do to him. And while he WAS responsible, there was nothing I could have done to him that would make my disability go away.

    I was not to blame for my disability, but while I continued to blame him, I was not getting any better, and was in fact dragging myself down into pits of depression and futility. And while I am still no better physically, I am a much better person in other ways because I have got up and kept going. I have got on with my life. I could have sat there and stagnated, continued my personal pity party, but instead I found something to do while waiting to get better.

    He needs to step up to the plate, or get out. Blaming you is getting you down, is damaging you when you need to be raised up, not dragged down. How is his dumping on you and making you feel bad, doing him or he kids any good?

    Al-anon may help, although ironically, you need the energy and the babysitter to let you get there. He doesn't have to be a certified alcoholic for them to be able to help you.

    He doesn't want to get better because he doesn't need to get better. You're taking care of him; you're taking care of his kids. And whenever you start asking him to do more, all he has to do is dump a bit of guilt trip in y our direction, and the nasty nagging goes away again for a while longer. It all works beautifully - for him. he's got you right where it works for him. He also is not wanting to see any problems with the kids, unless he can convince you it's all your fault for not coping with them. He can't cope after all; he is not well, the kids are YOUR job. So if the kids are not happy or not doing well, then clearly (in his mind) it's your fault, you have let the family down by allowing this to happen.

    It's part of the whole mind-set of this sort of person.

    I'm not saying it's exactly like everyone else, but this has very strong echoes of another board member, KFLD (Karen). Your comments about your husband sound so much like the way she used to talk about her husband. She loved him, she had a lot of time, energy and love invested in him, no way would she ask him to leave (or leave, herself) because too much time had gone by, they had been together too long and bad as things were, it would be worse apart. She leant on us all a lot in Watercooler, but is already a much stronger woman than I think she ever thought would be possible, going in to the situation.

    Karen's situation is different, but in a lot of ways there are similarities. Her self-esteem had been pounded into the ground as part of HIS coping strategy to be able to continue doing things just the way HE wanted them. This is NOT HEALTHY for a family.

    Karen's outcome need not be the same as your outcome. But this isn't necessarily a matter of your choice. Mostly, it is his.

    I do think, for many reasons, you need to ask him to help. And I think you also need to make it clear that NOT helping is not an option, because the last thing you need is a husband adding to your load instead of lightening it. The kids you have are trouble enough; you do not need to parent yet another. It sets a bad example to the kids, and it uses up far too much of your own very limited energy.

    He may wake up to himself and step up to the plate. Or he may not. But it needs to be HIS decision.

    So no more guilt, please. You are already doing a superhuman task, carrying his burden too. If he leaves, that is one burden less.

    Addictions can be managed. But the addict has to choose to do so. And any attempts to pass blame to anybody else - not acceptable. So don't take delivery - send his package of guilt addresses 'return to sender".

    Marg
     
  11. PersonalEnigma

    PersonalEnigma New Member

    (((HUGS)))

    I can't do/say much to help, but I think we've all been there sometimes. I find that it can help to let myself take a day or two to just curl up in a ball and do nothing. I don't let myself feel guilty about it and trust everyone else to take care of themselves (as much as reasonably possible) during that time. At the end of it I generally can climb back up and cope a little better until the next big blow-out.

    Take care of yourself and find some way to treat yourself without worrying about everyone else.
     
  12. Lostparent

    Lostparent New Member

    Go in your room and lock the door.Soak in the tub,wax your eyebrows,paint your nails and just disappear.It is amazing how much better you will feel when you spend some time on just you!
     
  13. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Amen.

    Another thing I've learned about guilt trips is that it's manipulation to get you to do (or not do) whatever it is they want.

    Read TM's thread on the Watercooler about children that grew up with alcoholism.

    In the meantime, take care of you.

    (((hugs)))
     
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Aeditha,
    been there done that. So sorry.
    And especially that you have to deal with-a husband that is making things worse.
    I know exactly how you feel about wanting to get away. And you know what? It's not a bad idea. You need to refuel your batteries. You've been doing so much for everyone else and nothing for yourself. It wears you down, emotionally and physically.
    {hugs}
     
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