I think I have made a big mistake - long

[Steely]

Matt moved up to AZ in July, the same month my Dad's cancer came back. I got fired 2 months later. I was so mentally drained from everything that had happened in the last year with Matt getting kicked out of 2 programs, then moving to Dallas with his Dad - grand idea - than me finally convincing a raging mentally ill child to get on a plane to Vegas to come stay with me in AZ. He had no Dr, no medications, it was a disaster. I had to find him a place to stay because for safety he could not stay with me, and get him a bed, you know, basic cr@p, and a Dr and convince him to go back on his medications. Yadada!

The entire time ALL of this is happening I was doing 2 people's jobs at work, and then the new boss swooped in to make my entire life a living hades. She verbally abused me every day by threatening to fire me, calling me stupid, screaming, etc. So when I got fired, I immediately filed a lawsuit, which is still in litigation - and began looking for another job. Meanwhile my best friend moved away, and my other one and I had a huge falling out. Here I am, unemployed, with no friends, and my Mom is totally consumed with my Dad by this point. Both are basically absent of any type of emotional support to me, and in the past they have been a huge one.

My town has 5K people in it, most of which are unemployed, no lie. It is a very depressed town. So I have to move to get a new job, which I land as a manager at a big box store in Bullhead City, which is near Vegas. Unfortunately for this store they took me through 6 interviews, which lasted a total of 2 months. Unfortunately for me, I had just spent 3 weeks of those 8 watching my Dad near death multiple times. Since I was not able to say goodbye to my sister, I felt a pressing need to be able to be present and available to my Dad. So, when Mr Big Box Store called to finally offer me the job, I felt my Dad had weeks to live, and I asked if I could put that offer on hold. They said absolutely.

So I was encouraged to write, and try to finish this memoir that I have been doodling away at for the last 4 years. It has been 6 weeks, now, and I realize I can barely function. This is not working for me - I am the loneliest I have ever been in my life. So I am thinking, my Dad is doing better, well I will just call back Mr Big Box Store and accept the offer - BUT - you guys - I am so beat, drained, and deflated, I cannot imagine Matt and I moving to a new city without support. I have no one that could box things up, help me find a new place to live, organize the move, be my partner in helping to facilitate the move. You know - we have all moved - it is a ton of work, especially to a new city. Then you have to make new friends, learn the land, etc. Matt is just learning how to take care of his basic needs, like cooking, cleaning and paying bills for crying out loud (thanks useless programs - grrrr) It is all me. And you know what? I don't think I can do it.

I have been praying all day - please, just something break for me in a good way. I feel right now like I have no family, which I really don't - no friends except in Dallas - and I cannot fathom how I am going to get out of this city and start this high power job. I really, really cannot imagine climbing that wall of granite without more safety ropes - I am already so tired and bleak anyway.

And that leaves me stuck - really, really, really stuck. It is like I need someone to give me new wings, new power to feel as if I can tackle all of this. Not to mention if I do decide to move, my Dad will most certainly die in the middle of all of this. I am in such a dilemma. A really huge pickle, you mights say.

Thanks for listening. I have been crying all day, and I have to stop and drag myself to the grocery store - which is a whole other state of ickiness because everyone knows everyone here - and "I am the one that got fired" so they turn their heads the other way if they see me. Losers.

 

[DaisyFace]

Steely--

I don't know you very well and I don't mean to sound as though I am trying to "kick you while you're down"...BUT

I think you have gotten yourself into a very bad spot mentally...you are being plagued by the 'what ifs' and the "coulda, shoulda, wouldas"...and you are stuck doing a bit of wallowing when you really don't have any time for wallowing.

You need to take the job - ASAP.

Call a realtor in the new town - tell them your situation. They will likely fall all over themselves helping you to find a rental.

If you can afford it - hire a moving company. Pack your and your precious sentimental personal items...and leave the rest for the movers to worry about.



I am sorry to hear about your Dad. That must be heartbreaking....and you have my sympathies.

 

[Nomad]

If you can swing it at all, I too lean toward taking the job...but you know the details of what is going on in your life and the decision is ultimately your own.

Are there other reasons to not take it? What is your primary focus? What do you want and need most right now? These are questions that you might want to consider.

Do you have anyone who you are close to that you can talk to on the phone a few minutes most days to give you a little emotional support? Anyone who can look in on your Dad once in a while and/or your son? Our burdens are great and it is NOT appropriate to stick our friends with them, but I have found that my good friends don't mind helping now and again on a limited basis. I do NOT overburden or overwhelm them, etc. The company will understand it if you have to take a few days off later with reference to your father.

Do what you can to get your spirits back up. All the things that have been mentioned here..reading positive literature, taking good vitamins, a little exercise, a walk in the morning and consider talking to your doctor in case you need a script for any anti-depressant. The stuff with your Dad, combined with other life difficulties is a lot. If you need assistance, there is nothing wrong with this.

I do hope you are able to take the job. It is your choice though. Again, you might want to focus on what you REALLY want and need at this moment. Once you find the answer...it might become more clear. SEnding good thoughts.

 

[Hound dog]

Steely, I'm also for you taking the job.

I know it seems monumental at the moment.........but I think it would be a wise move. Dealing and letting go of the past is a good idea.........but you can't let it consume the present and the future. The past is done, you can revisit and deal with it anytime. The present is here now and needs to be delt with here now. As for the future........if you don't deal with here now the future is going to appear even bleaker than it looks at this moment.

And to be honest, you need somewhere you refocus your energy so that you're not dealing with past garbage 24/7. You need to place positives in your life as your dealing with past negatives to keep it in balance, and those positive things will help you let go of the negative ones.

A new job would give you financial security and stability, an opportunity for new friendships.

And yeah, I believe you about the town being mostly unemployed. We've been hit hard around here too. There are jobs, if one isn't too picky.....but yeah. You can't keep your life sitting on hold forever.

Hugs

 

[busywend]

Steely, overwhelming is the only word that can describe what ANYONE in your situation would feel. That is completely expected. But, you have to pick yourself up and start this new chapter. Take the job say 'so long xyz town' and move on. You can make it all happen again - because you have proof that you can - you just did! You can do whatever you need to do. You just have to get out of the funk.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!! I know it.

You know it.

So, do it.

I know, it will NOT be easy. But, it will be rewarding.

 

[HaoZi]

Sounds like you need a new town as it is all things considered. I also think that until you call and confirm the job is still available and you've been presented with paperwork for it, I wouldn't trust anyone to just hold a position open. You may well get told something like "We had to have someone in it ASAP, but we can offer you this (lower paying) job instead, why don't you come in and interview for that?"
Does Matt have any services in place to help him keep up with things and his dogs? Could you easily connect to him by phone/skype/IM whatever to provide guidance from a distance since he's doing well where he is?

 

[Steely]

Well, the thing I failed to mention is that I strongly felt, up in until a few weeks ago, that I needed to write through my life to get rid of the demons. I have made one mistake after another in my life, and somehow that self sabotage has to stop.
Processing it through writing seemed like my solution - except it is so gut wrenchingly hard. I thought I would take this time to process the demons, and be there if my dad needed me, and after that, my life would start again - but I am not sure.
And yet to not write it, and be rid of the self sabotage, I feel like I am running once again.

 

[Hound dog]

Steely

There is no law that says it has to be written all at once. I mean, seriously hon, you didn't live it all at once. You can take much needed breaks from it........long breaks if need be. I'd work on mine for long stretches, put it away when it got to be too much, then would drag it out again when I was ready and work on it again......and kept repeating until it was done. It's not something that has a deadline. It's not a race. It's a process that takes a very long time.

Taking a break is not running from it. Even if you somewhere down the line chose a different way to learn to deal with it, it's not running from it. What works for one person, may not work for another.

I can sooooooooo relate to the one mistake after another deal. But you know what? That happens even when you don't have a **** load of garbage to deal with. That's how we learn and grow as human beings.

You've been through hades and come out the other side. And you've grown tremendously as a person due to it. We all make mistakes. All we can do is admit them, do our best to learn from them and try hard not to repeat them as we continue to move forward in our lives.

 

[Star*]

This.....is a most curious thing. Your last most not even a day ago (and only my observation) is asking for help about fighting the demons of your past. Okay very good. So before we (you and I or anyone else) can even absorb that? YOU are up and running on working on creating NEW problems that don't even EXIST.

S.T.O.P. ! STOP! STOP!!!! WOAH!!!! HOLD YOUR HORSES. HALT! WOW!

Okay let's break this down a little more because there are some very real problems here, that ARE problems but if you would ALLOW yourself time - and you do not, and you would ALLOW yourself a moment to grieve, which for some reason you don't (you STUFF and STORE in my humble opinion) and IF you would ALLOW yourself to deal with ONE thing at a time - EVEN IF it seems like everything is attacking at ONCE? (and you do that by SERENITY) -accepting the things you can change, and courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference and STOP - thinking that you aren't smart enough to know the difference - BECAUSE YOU ARE! I know you are.

Steely - a LOT of bad things have happened to you. A LOT. A LOT. A LOT. Now there might be some people in this world that would look at your life, and your history, and sit back and say "You poor, poor, woman, I have never in my life met a person with such a tragic story ever, and I have no idea how you have survived to tell about it. I've never met someone who was so self-defeating." Not to be cliche - but how does that make you feel if someone were to say that to you? Be honest? Would it make you feel slightly weak; like you would want to sit down and have someone hold you so you could cry for about a week? Take you into their arms, into their house and just take care of you until you felt well rested, recharged and able to face the world again? Would the thought of someone asking you how you managed to surive such horrors and live to tell the story all these years of such a tragic life offend you and make you angry and make you want to hide away from the world and become a hermit, an introvert and just continue to be withdrawn from life? Or would it make you sit there and think - MY LIFE? The worst you've ever heard about? You've got to be kidding? Me? Why there is a world of people out there who are so far worse than me - with unspeakable horrors and yet when you felt pity for someone you thought of me and my life as the worst? Oh my word! My God I need help, and I need it now. If I am indeed the worst or even one of the worst you have ever heard of? I need help. I don't want to be anyone's 'worst' - WHO would EVER want to be that?"

Which one do you think you would be? I know which ones I didn't want to be...the first two. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I didn't want anyone to take pity on me, or necessarily make things all better for me. I also know that in this world there are things that I simply can't control. You have to be able to be brave enough despite whatever chaos is going on in your life, whatever the whole mean world is going to throw at you and as it comes at you day by day - deal with your past, and deal with what is coming too. You can't shelf it for a rainy day, you can't NOT deal with it all the time until you're ready or save all the bad things in a way so that you can throw them out there and hope that the world will say "Oh look she's got all these things she's dealing with - we'll have to leave her alone right now." It would be nice - but the hard fact of it is - no one cares. Not really. And why you ask? Because while you're running around (or I'm running around) dealing with my problems - so is the rest of the world dealing with theirs - and your problems come first to you, my problems come first to me, your Moms problems come first to her, and so on.

It's a hard lesson to learn and it just smacks of reality and it's not to say that no one cares, but while you're sitting there asking - WHY doesn't anyone care about ME? The rest of the world is sighing and asking WHY don't you care about YOU? And really? When was the last time that you did? And you say "Oh but Star I do....." and I say - "Well then Steely - if you do, then why did you just right from a post about trying to deal with past memories and forgiveness and problems, to creating new ones for yourself?" See? I'm not being mean, I'm not being snippy or snarky - But I see you - creating problems where there are none - and I'm saying STOP. This is a thing you do, and perhaps you don't realize that this is infact a way that you (shrugs) deflect.....if talking about the past got uncomfortable and I'm sure it did or maybe could have (I dunno..shrugs again) you stopped and created a new thing? Or maybe you thought okay that was done and moving on? Honey - you can't fix stuff that quick - we're not qualified like that to help - we're just friends who support based on our own life experiences.

We come forward and tell you things from our hearts, and maybe there is something we say that clicks - or encourages you, nudges you in the right direction for more assistance. I don't know if we're right or wrong. There's no blaming or finger pointing here for whatever heartfelt advice we offer, because we're just doing what we do out of love or concern. Not out of factual, professional knowledge. I can't fix your heart or your mind. I wish so badly I could, but I can't. I know you are troubled, I've known that for a long time. I know you hurt, I know you hurt deeply over your sister, your Father, but love - those aren't things you can fix - those are things you can learn how to live without in this life. I know you hurt over Matt and your past and you would give anything to fix that...these are things that will never change, but are going to affect your life and his life forever. Forever is a long time - is this something that you really want to just let hang or continue working on with a qualified therapist and resolve the best way you can? It won't ever be perfect, it won't ever be fixed, Matt won't ever be perfect or fixed - but what you can do is learn to live with the best you can do, give him skills to continue to do his best and the best possible way that will be accomplished is allowing him to continue to grow up and become his own man. With regards to your job and moving? How on EARTH do you know that wherever you move there isn't going to be 10 friends of the best sort to replace the last ones you moved away from, better opportunities for advancement - better home, better opportunites, better everything? You got a crystal ball we don't know about? And as far as your friends? Honey - let me tell you one thing I know about people/friends/BEST friends - I am 46 years old. I have waited an ENTIRE lifetime to have these so-called best friends. Yup - I'm the one that always stuck it out there -did all the favors, never asked for anything in return and it's a good thing too cause I never got anything - UNTIL this board. And the best friends I have ever had in my ENTIRE LIFE - I've met here. Most I've never met. ALMOST ALL? I've never even talked to. I have - no one. I rely on ---MYSELF. I'm reliable. I don't look forward to moving - but it's a fact that it's going to happen.

So I ask you again - Steely of the CD board - Which woman are you? No need to answer back - you just ask yourself and answer yourself because really that answer is only for you - and if you answer the way I think you will, you'll get out of this rutt you are in, of 'let me save up all my bad days and throw them out there so "I" will notice my piteous self' and get on with life. I do NOT believe you do it for anyone ELSE to notice, no maam - I think you self-sabotage, and up till now? I don't think even you knew you did it to yourself. But now you know and now you can stop.

I've never met anyone who could benefit from the serenity prayer MORE than you dear - so here it is....

God Grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Amen

Each time a problem feels like it's going to 'store' itself - ask yourself - which category above it fits in - and work it out best you can.

You're not going down in flames here Steely - Be a Phoenix!

Hugs & Love
Star

 

[Steely]

Star, there is a whole lot of stuff in that post, most of which I find a bit confusing as to what you are really trying to say or tell me.

So all I can say is - there is no one in this world that I want to feel sorry for me, or take pity on me. That is an attitude I run from, and god forbid, if my post sounded like I wanted that pity. I DO NOT.

What I am truly trying to come to terms with, is whether or not I finish the book and walk through the fire of catharsis - or run away again, and "just work". I know how to "work", I have done that my whole life - and yet I ruined every relationship I have been in because I don't know how to do anything but work - "do", "fix", "restore". I have never worked on the inner pain that keeps me from being whole.

I do not want that for me anymore. I want to be whole, and real, and present, and strong in the face of all adversity, without having triggers or ptsd moments. I want to be normal. And I need the road to which that leads.

 

[Jena]

ok tha'Tourette's Syndrome enough now seriously you take the phrase i'm my own worst enemy way way too far.

it's time to MOVE ON from your mistakes, your past and all of it. i mean it. you are beating yourself up, it isnt' going to change anything at all and at the end of the day it's only making you more upset and unable to function. the past is the past for a strong reason. leave it there, release it noce and for all. take that thing you wrote, go drive to a lake a mountain or whatever you have out there and shred it and throw it into the sky on yes a very very windy day. i mean this in all seriousness.

its survival time right now. you know it is. crying wont make it better, saying i can't do it wont' help you, making up every excuse in the book not to get up wipe off and begin again isnt' going to fix it.

listen you are a strong, resilient beautiful woman who deserves a new beginning and a new life IMMEDIATELY. release the old, you lived that life already how many times you plan on living it?? serioulsy. we all screw up i could list it and list it and rock back and forth in my bathroom. yet why? i did what i did back than for who i was back than. it's that simple.

so it isn't running away actually it's RELEASING LETTING GO OF THE PAST to make room for your bright exciting and unknown (anything can happen) future!

get on the phone take that job, go clean that face get a great nights sleep, and tmrw go look for some boxes. keeping busy always helps me thru a depressive state or mood.

((hugs and by the way said all this with love) you can do it! so get to it!

 

[Jena]

ok just read your other post must of come up while i was typing. first of all i have no clue what normal means?? LOL when you find out send me a line. second it isnt' about running away its' about releasing it really is. listen i spent years torturing myself over my past what went on. particulars aren't important. took alot of therapy and work my dad did a number on me would make your hair stand seriously yet i thought the same thing when will i be whole etc. it's enough i want to be normal.

when i finally released it i began to be whole again, and yea i gotta keep my cup filled up because lately i'm faltering yet not on that front on the i want more of "me" front. there was a day not so long ago i couldn't be alone. even in a room. because my past haunted me so badly. i fought long and hard just as you did to get to the place where being alone was amazing.

it's time to release it and put you first. work isn't just physical it's a choice a decision to better yourself and life. so just go do it. you aren't running again trust me. there just comes a time you gotta release it. do the meditation also its a huge letting go process there

 

[HaoZi]

Steely, how well can you compartmentalize? As in, if you took the job and made the move, could you focus on work during the hours requiring it, and focus on catharsis (by whatever method) for an hour an evening or X hours on days off or whatever works for you, and n'er the twain shall meet (or not much)?

 

[Steely]

I compartmentalize perfectly - no deficit there. It is just that I overreact to situations that others wouldn't. I take things personally and enlarge them bigger than they are every time I feel as if I am about to be victimized. I throw down the gauntlet when others wouldn't.
And then when it comes to relationships, well there is not one thing that does not trigger me. It is pretty much hopeless, unless I find a guy that is the most understanding, perfect man on earth.

 

[HaoZi]

Forget the guys for now, work on you. Yes, I know you already that. But I mean put the idea of a relationship out of your mind until you're in a place to have a healthy relationship. Which I'm sure you also already know.
For some reason I flounder in finding the words to express exactly what I mean in the right way on your threads. The concept is there in my brain, I can see it, but turning it into language like I do so many other things is difficult.

 

[Mamaof5]

Steely:

When there is no one to give you wings - build them yourself. I learned that in the last two months with my own experience of being cheated on by a man I never ever expected to do that to me. I was so shocked it felt like someone had simultaneously sucker punched me in the gut while kicking me in the back. Right now, I don't trust him enough to help me build MY wings, so I continue to build them slowly on my own.

Books aren't written in a day. Just like lives aren't lived in a day. Build YOUR wings for YOU. That job - take it. That town you live in tell "them" to suck a duck. They don't know the full details, they have no right to judge you - don't let them. Turn your cheek to them. Best revenge is living life well - go do that now, show the lot of them you are stronger than what they think you are.

Build your wings Steely, only you can.

 

[Mamaof5]

I compartmentalize perfectly - no deficit there. It is just that I overreact to situations that others wouldn't. I take things personally and enlarge them bigger than they are every time I feel as if I am about to be victimized. I throw down the gauntlet when others wouldn't.
And then when it comes to relationships, well there is not one thing that does not trigger me. It is pretty much hopeless, unless I find a guy that is the most understanding, perfect man on earth.

Can't love someone if you can't love yourself. Another thing I learned in the last two months. I need to love myself before I can even fathom loving someone else. Same thing with forgiving and letting go - you need to forgive yourself before you can forgive others. You need to reconnect with the inner self, the inner you - the real you under all the choppy waters of emotions before you connect with others.

From all the posts on your threads in the recent set of threads I see a lot of love from the other board members for you. You are very cared for, loved and everyone here shows such a deep concern and connection with you. Your life has touched more people than you think or realize. Your trials and tribulations have contributed to the health and well being of others - you are a plethora of information and experiences that others can connect to and care about. You are more than you know Steely.

 

[Star*]

Steely,

All I can say is re-read it. I was as simple as I could be for me caring about you.