I think I have opened Pandora's box...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, Apr 21, 2016.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Today, I finally decided I had to go the probation office for the 18yo guy who was not suppose to be contacting my 15yo DGD. I have tried not to do it, because it seemed like they had stopped contact for a while. But, she kept getting drawn back in. It was not a healthy relationship.

    I mentioned earlier that I gained access to her texting app on the phone. I woke up around 4:30 for a potty break and decided to check it. Logged on and saw all theses texts about sneaking out, who was picking her up, then getting another girl, then going to bail out XBF. He got picked up for driving on suspended license. I rush upstairs and find her lying in the bathtub, pretending to be asleep. She said she sleeps there when doesn't feel good. I left, then took screen shots of all those messages. On one message to XBF's best friend, she had typed XBF's email address, and below that, his middle name and 3 numbers. It dawned on me that it might be his facebook information. It was!

    She kept denying she ever left the roof, but the messages contradict it. So Tuesday night, I slept in her room, and the next morning deactivated her phone. It would only work with wifi, and the school blocks social media sites. That night I told her she had her choice, get phone turned on, but plug it in downstairs from 10pm to 6am or keep it on wifi, and I would unplug wifi at bedtime. So after 1 day, she decided on phone, and promptly handed it over.

    But, this morning she was FB messaging him. And at school, he sent messages to pick her up at 10am. She missed the rest of the day. I didn't find out til after 12 noon. Finally had enough and went to probation officer. Not sure if they have talked to him yet.

    I admit I am worried about what will happen once he finds out. I am afraid DGD will get blamed for any jail time he might get. And that will make her more likely to self harm... Damned if you do, Damned if you don't...

    KSM
     
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Yes, KSM. The tough choices we make. But sometimes, one path has an obvious seriously bad end. The other path might not be good, but at least it stops THIS part of the equation. You really didn't have much choice left.
     
  3. Praecepta

    Praecepta Member

    Probation violations are HIS fault and no one else's!
    "Blaming" [other people] is common behavior of criminal types. It is called a "Thinking Error". He needs to look in the mirror to find the person responsible for his actions.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 2
    • List
  4. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    Some decisions are so hard to make. I think you made the right decision though. (((HUGS!!)))
     
  5. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

    Trust your gut, ksm.
     
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Sorry that I haven't updated about the situation...I took a 3 day internet break. So stressed out it made my physically sick. DSBF (dumb sh/t boy friend) has been in jail since Friday. I think bond is $150. Second time in jail in one week. I don't think family is able to bail him out. I did see in newspaper several weeks ago that his mom was fined $500 and court costs for providing alcohol to minors.

    Difficult Child has just barely started speaking to me again...

    I will post more later...KSM
     
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi KSM,

    Sorry that you have been sick, but I am glad that guy is in jail!

    Apple
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  8. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

    Why is this not surprising? Well, the up side is that he is off the street for a few days.

    KSM, don't forget to do things just for yourself. :painter: Whatever that might be.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  9. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Small update..youngest Difficult Child has basically been grounded, but I did give her a couple hours yesterday with a guy friend since preschool. I also know his mom some. They went to his job to get his paycheck, and Difficult Child was offered a job! So now both my Difficult Child's will be working as a hostess at a nice restaurants. After that, they went to get a car part for his car, and back to his moms house to tinker with the car. Finally, an age appropriate friend, still in school, and works part time... So much better Han DSXB. I know that this kid isn't a druggie, as his older brother uses, and he is against it as he has seen what has happened to brother.

    I am hoping for small changes... KSM
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 2
    • List
  10. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

    Small positive changes are a good thing. :)
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  11. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Doing normal, healthy, age-appropriate activities is always a positive step!

    How are DBT classes going for oldest?

    Apple
     
  12. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    DBT classes... Oldest Difficult Child missed too many of the second set of classes (4 sets with 5 classes each) that we were asked to wait til the third set start. I don't know if she will go back... And she is having some tough emotional days...I posted about her weight gain, so that is upsetting to her, and the fact that she has like one friend, and that friend does not go to school, so she doesn't have any one at school to socialize with... But today, she went to school with out even brushing her hair...still up in a bun from the night before. She doesn't look like she wants people to even approach her... But she goes back to work tonight...so maybe being around people at work might help her mood.

    Youngest Difficult Child had a tough evening. I think intellectually she gets that XBF was not a good person, but she talked to me that she still had feelings for him. She is upset that he doesn't understand all she gave up for him... Really, she is not the same person she was before this creep. She has lost all her friends, the trust of her family, her grades at school, her reputation...but she wonders why he doesn't realize that!

    I wish I could help both girls realize their potential...KSM
     
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    He probably does. The reality is, he doesn't care.

    She's young enough that she can recover. Trust can be rebuilt, friends can be won back, reputations can be repaired. Hard lesson, but not the worst possible outcome.
     
  14. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

    I think you will get them to see their potential, ksm. It's going to take more time for them. They have a lot of pain to overcome. Has biomom moved back to town, or have you guys dodged that particular bullet?
     
  15. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Piglets, biomom has not moved back. Yea! But she has continued to FB message and text younger Difficult Child". Even after I reached out to her on FB messenger to please, not contact Difficult Child during school hours, or after 10pm' as she needed her rest.

    What mom calls a child at 1am??? A Difficult Child herself, that's who! She doesn't realize that the calls upsets her, even though they may not argue, it is still an emotional interruption to what she is suppose to be focusing on. Difficult Child mom is 48 and doesn't seem to remember the two hour time difference! Even though she has lived on the west coast for 5 years!

    Older Difficult Child sis hasn't heard from mom for a while, she didn't even call on her 18th birthday... Probably won't remember to congratulate for HS graduation later this month. KSM
     
  16. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

    Wow. She is a piece of work. Consider yourself fortunate that she has not landed in your town. Perhaps the girls need to give you the phones at bedtime in order to avoid future interruptions. I'm so sorry that she didn't even remember her birth child's birthday.
     
  17. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Cough, cough, she can't even remember bio dads name... Well, she came up with a "Brian" in a specific town in our state. Difficult Child would like to find out who. I know even with a name, it just narrows the possibility. She had three names for their older brother, and she won the bio dad lottery...a really nice young man, who finished college, and asked his fiancée about taking on the mom role to a then 9 yo boy! He has done so well with them! Starts university this fall!!

    Oh, except for the youngest' the two oldest sons want nothing to do with biomom. Oldest daughter would like her to call, so she can ignore her, so she knows what it feels like. Youngest daughter feels guilty and doesn't want to be the last child to give up on her... KSM
     
  18. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Oh my, another dilemma... I have gotten used to looking at our police daily bulletin, and today I saw that another underage teenage girl, listed as a runaway, found at DSXBF's address!!

    Wondering if I should notify DSXBFs probation officer?? This is about the 5th girl found At his address!!! I am not sure if the police will connect the dots. He isn't listed in the charges... Just that the dad listed her as a runaway, and that she was taken to juvenile intake and assessment.

    KSM
     
  19. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    This is entirely up to you but personally, I would. And its not just because I'm a mandated reporter either. This guy is obviously preying on young girls and the authorities need to be notified. Tell his PO, they will verify and then contact the PD. Might even revoke him for it.
     
  20. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I did call the probation officer and left a fairly generic message...that as far as i knew, he was not contacting my daughter...but i noticed on the police bulletin site, that another 15yp girl, listed as a runaway, was picked up at his home.

    I didn't hear back, so I don't know if there will be any follow up to it.

    KSM
     
Loading...