I think I just need a little reminder.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hope_Floats, Sep 23, 2014.

  1. Hope_Floats

    Hope_Floats Member

    I'm pretty sure I know what to do (which is nothing), but when I doubt myself and waver, it helps to have a little reinforcement.

    My difficult child responded to a "how are you doing?" text with "overwhelmed....finances....can't get the medicine i need..." and I felt the urge to offer to help with the medications. His girlfriend had told me that he couldn't get ADD medications because he owes $90 to his doctor and they won't see him again till he pays. She said he still has his depression medications. So I'm not sure if at this time he was referring to ADD medications or his current depression medication prescription. It only matters because I would be more tempted to help with the more-crucial depression medications.

    My heart tells me that I should help in at least keeping his depression at bay so that he can function and reason as normally as possible. My head tells me that he will then drop his medical bill payments from his priority list and take the "mom will take care of it" attitude then spend his money on something "unhealthy", like pot or worse. That usually frustrates me and doesn't help him.

    He is 22 and is currently delivering pizzas and living with his girlfriend who also delivers pizzas (not my choice of a career for him, obviously, but thankful that he has a job at least). Those of you who have experience in the "helping with medical costs" issues, can you talk me down off the ledge? I'm feeling weak and I'm pretty sure he thinks I don't care since I'm not offering help.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    Does he usually take his medication all the time? Is he better when he takes it?

    Does he take other drugs or drink because that will effectively wipe out the benefits of the prescription drugs. May even give him a higher high if he's taking an antidepressant and then takes other drugs.

    ADHD medication are very abused on the streets. My daughter and her friends used to fake ADHD or steal them from anyone in their house who took them, crush them in a pillcrusher and snort them both alone and with cocaine and other drugs. I am not sure I'd feel comfortable giving any adult child who abuses drugs any access to medication that is so abused on the streets. He's not little anymore and you can't control if he sells it or takes it like my daughter did.

    Do you really trust his girlfriend? I always think the women who choose my son (he's my loan remaining difficult child) have to be messed up themselves. i know that's horrible...I realize that...but it is also true. His wife was actually worse than him and the girlfriends he has had since his divorce were not the cream of the crop, so to speak.

    Before I'd give him anything, I'd call the doctor's office. First you'll need your son to sign a waiver saying you can have billing information. Make sure he does that.Then I'd discuss this bill with the office directly to see if your son even has a bill or if he even showed up for an appointment. difficult children are Manipulations R Us. it's always best to check things out before doing any favors. He may want those ADHD medications for more than his ADHD.

    I know it's really hard and it takes time to learn, but you asked for advice. Mine is to do nothing, but, if you are moved to help, make darn sure he is telling you the truth. FYI, the most abused ADHD drug is Adderrall (my daughter, when she used, used to get $10/pill for it). All drug users sell drugs, according to my daughter who is now clean and has nothing to gain or lose by telling me the truth. She has been clean for ten years or more now. She also did say, however, that all the ADHD drugs are abused on the street. They are speed, after all.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
     
  3. Hope_Floats

    Hope_Floats Member

    Hmmmm.....that's good food for thought, thanks. I had totally forgotten about the street value of ADD/ADHD medications. I'm quite sure he does need them, if he would take them, but I'm also pretty sure that when money is tight (and it usually is for him) that he would sell them rather than take them. Sigh. That was the reminder that I needed, Midwest, thanks again.
     
  4. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    If he makes enough money to pay for his medicine then I would agree with helping him with medical costs only if you are allowed to work directly with the Dr and pharmacy. I would also tell him you have X amount of money you are willing to give and that once that is done you are done. That it wont happen again unless there is an extreme emergency. I would define the terms for extreme emergency so that they meet a criteria you are happy with.

    If the case is that he simply can't afford to pay for his medicine I would give him a set amount of time that I would help and then he would need to have a job or some way to pay his own bills. Is his medication something that works for him and he has issues that prevent him from paying for them? I have recently started drawing the line with the mother in law about anything except her medication and medical needs. in my humble opinion I would help a stranger who needed medicine or a meal so why wouldn't I help a loved one. On the other hand I also manage the mother in law's money so I know she doesn't have the money to pay for her expenses and that there is nothing she can do about it.
     
Loading...