I think I know why...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, Apr 18, 2011.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'll shut up about this sometime, I promise. I can't talk to husband about it, so I guess you guys get blessed with it.

    My friend and Occupational Therapist (OT) says it's normal to process it all. I feel pretty freakish about it sometimes.

    Anyway, at PT today, my therapist was asking questions about the ER on the day of the accident. He was surprised it took 2+ hours to get me into surgery. I don't know why it took so long other than I was told pretty much upon arrival that I would lose my foot, so I assumed there wasn't a rush to do that without making sure there weren't other more serious injuries. It wasn't until right before surgery that there was discussion on attempting to save the foot.

    ExBIL (me DEXs brother) is a professional fire fighter in the city. He's also a volunteer in the area where I live and crashed. He's chief on the volunteer dept, and captain on the paid dept. He's also an emt. He's well known at the hospital I was in, so pretty much had a free pass to come and go in the ER. I was beyond thankful when he showed up on the scene, and stayed until I was out of surgery.

    Because I was very coherent, I signed all of my releases, and they didn't go thru husband for much, if any, info. ExBIL largely acted as the go-between between me and the rest of the family. The docs gave occassional updates, but exBiL was there with me for the tough discussions and took them back to the waiting area.

    I remember the whole accident plain as day. I remember thoughts before it. I remember hitting the ground. I remember hitting my head, my wrist breaking. I remember thinking I HAD to stay awake for the kids. I remember accounting for the kids, and thanking God they were ok. I remember seeing myself, and realizing I wasn't ok, asking the oldest to tourniquet my ankle - the whole conversation. I dialed 911 and clearly described both my location and injuries in medication terms. I had the kids get blankets out of the buggy in anticipation of shock (tho on the scene, I never did get 'shocky'). I remember wondering just how bad it was, and wanting to ask, but also knowing no one would tell me the truth, so why bother. I remember exBIL getting downright mad because no one had base vitals when he got there.

    When the first volunteer first responder got there, I asked him to call easy child 1, who recently had graduated and is also a 'rookie' on the volunteer fire dept, and tell him not to respond to the patient in this call, but we could use his help getting the kids and horses home.

    When husband got there, I showed him how to use my phone. My supervisor's number wasn't in it, and he's awful with information, so I told him who to call that WAS in my phone that could get me 'called in sick' to work, and get fmla and disability started. I told him where my ins card was, and what numbers to call to get the approvals. I told him where the parents were for the kids we had with us, and their numbers in my phone. I even told him to be sure to tell his mom I wouldn't be cooking thanksgiving dinner.

    I never lost it on the scene. But at the hospital, every time exBIL came in...I would just lose it and bawl like a baby. Of course, exBIl would, too, which only made me worse.

    But with all the people...why exBIL?

    Talking to PT/Occupational Therapist (OT) today, I think I know why. ExBil is a take charge guy. If he doesn't know an answer, he'll find one. 'I don't know' isn't his style. He literally can make or do anything. I think i felt 'safe' with exBIL.' Safe enough to let go. When he showed up,'I didn't have to be the strong one anymore. I knew husband would have no clue...I couldn't leave him to handle things, and I even knew it subconsciously. But exBil? Heck yeah, he could handle it...

    We've laughed since the accident about our bawl-Fest. But tonight it's more sad than funny....

    Kinda stings. My exBIL filled the void that one would think should have been my spouse. But my spouse, for whatever reason, can't or won't step up to that plate. I knew it then, just not in so many words.

    I don't know what is going to happen going forward...there's a lot to be fixed.

    If you read all this, thanks or sorry...whichever is more fitting.
  2. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    You're husband reminds me of mine. You're a very strong person but even strong people need someone to take care of them sometimes. Go ahead and vent away. You really need it. I vent to an on-line facebook group I started myself because I couldn't find anyone else with a husband like mine. You're doing an amazing job and have done an amazing job. Keeping yourself together during the accident and its aftermath was something not everyone could've done.
  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Sometimes now, the tears just come. Especially on weekends when I want to do way more than I can. Or at night, when I hurt. I don't think husband has ever seen it. Not even sure now can let go in his presence. For whatever reason.
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2011
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Shari...it's so difficult always being the strong one. I understand. I drove myself to the hospital in the middle of the night, twenty miles away, when I was nine months pregnant and had a raging bladder infection because Miss KT's father wouldn't get up. You knew who you could rely on during the immediate crisis, and it wasn't your husband. I'm glad you had someone there for you, even if it was your exBIL...you're an awesomely strong woman who deserves the absolute best of everything.

    Many, many hugs. I wish I lived closer.
  5. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Vent away, Shari! You're entitled!

    Some people just have that "take charge" personality and some don't. Had my ex been in the same situation your husband was in, he would have been completely worthless too! He would have staggered around the waiting room clutching his chest and rolling his eyes and moaning that he was "having the big one", just like Fred Sanford! Anything to get the attention turned toward HIM!

    My son-in-law though is very much like your ExBIL. He's always the calm, cool voice of reason when everybody else is losing it. Very understanding, clear thinking even in a crisis, never raises his voice, very eloquent and well spoken, always seems to know just the right thing to say. When my son had his bad episode (six years ago already!) it was my sister in law who took charge, kept us sane, and really got us through it. He is now a police officer and I think he will be absolutely wonderful in that job!
  6. rlsnights

    rlsnights New Member

    Shari honey. I know where you are coming from. Got some similar stuff happening here.

    My advice FWIW - find yourself a therapist. You have post-trauma things to work out for yourself. And get into couples therapy.

    Hiding your real feelings and needs from him - not good in my experience. been there done that and it will work for a while. But you are probably already really angry at him if you pay attention to your feelings. You and he must decide - are you both going to accept his "limitations" or are you going to demand more from him? Is he really as incompetent as you think he is (he can't figure out how to contact the insurance? You can't trust him to be at your side when you're facing amputation? He let you face that without him???) or are you unable/unwilling to trust and rely on him?

    It's complicated and you need help sorting it out. And the accident has left you little or no room to avoid or deny the elephant in the room any longer.

    There are probably things that both of you need to work on - do it together and you will build a strong, lasting partnership.

    Best wishes,

  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I don't have any other wisdom to offer. I do, however, have LOTS of hugs for you. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    according to exBIL, husband was the calmest person on the scene and in the hospital. He got to me before anyone else... He asked if I was ok for him to check the horses. I was. He got back and I gave him my phone. He stood, he wasn't beside me. When others on the ride started to arrive and 2 nurses came to sit with me and stabilize my wrist and neck, i didnt see him again til they put me in the ambulance and he climbed in front. He talked to the driver but not to me. The medics chatted with me. They did their best to keep it light.

    I was scared to death, and felt alone. I never even got the token 'it's gonna be ok'. And he wasn't the one who ended up calling work or my ins or anyone...thank God for good friends who took care of that. One of them just kinda stepped in and started doing with the info he had given her, from what I understand. Yeah, I'm mad. I was there when he shattered his ankle and for 2 other serious surgeries. I was THERE. I handled all of his chores, talked to his docs about HIM... When I had mono, or sinus surgery, or this, my MOM took care of me and wee and the house...where's my spouse.

    I don't intentionally hide from him...just like it's an auto shut-off.

  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I'm so sorry...

    And you are right - this is a big issue....and believe it or not - more common than you might think. We (and by "we" I mean "People", but especially women) look for someone to come to the rescue when a trauma happens. We don't do this consciously - but deep down in our psyche, that need for a hero is there.

    And when one spouse has a trauma and the other spouse does not come to the rescue as the hero - it is very common for the victim spouse to be angry as Heck at the other. The anger may or may not be justified when analyzed rationally - but nevertheless, it is there.

    This DOES sound like something a therapist needs to help you process. It CAN destroy your marriage all by itself. And you two had issues before the accident...

    Your feelings are perfectly normal.

    Whether husband should have been a certain kind of "hero" ? It is hard for any of us to judge...we were not there that day....we don't know how he felt / reacted / performed...

    but this IS something you both need to address in therapy.
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I agree df. I am seeing someone, this was just a realization yesterday. My pt asked 'why exBIL?' and i suddenly had the words to answer him, tho i didnt say it.

    Sorry you guys get stuck with my 'dumps'.

    I'm not so much angry about what he did or didn't do that day. Except it worries me what would have happened if I hadn't been able to tell him all that stuff. He doesn't even call himself in sick to work anymore cause he has decided it's a dumb policy... Would I have a job or ins now? I don't know. If he doesn't know how to do something,'or doesn't like to, he doesn't do it...

    I am angry at him for what he did/didn't do when I got home.
    G**d***it, I needed him then, and he wasn't there.
  11. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Shari, for a very long, long time, I was a rock. If a crisis happened in the family, I took care of everyone and everything. I was tough as nails. I thought it was because I wanted to be that way---but I now realize, after years of being the rock, that I don't have to fix everything for everyone. My ex was helpless. He couldn't pick out his clothes or order dinner without my input, so I certainly couldn't expect him to handle a crisis. I went back to work 3 weeks after having a C-section, 1 month after a total hysterectomy (during which I bled out and almost died), 1 week after all my knee surgeries, and 1 week after spending a week in hospital for bacterial pneumonia. Why? Because I couldn't count on husband to make things work financially---and well, it was my job to keep everything going.

    This last year, I have changed. I know longer feel the need to take care of everyone else and put myself last. It has taken time. And it is weird to count on someone to take care of me...to share the load. I'm softening. I feel better, calmer. I'm nicer. I'm happy. I'm no where near where I should be, but I am beginning to trust that I can count on others to pick up the slack...This neck thing showed me that my "friend" is trustworthy. He was my rock. And I knew I could count on him to help me during and my recovery. And the most important part..I let him.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hi Shari,

    Why Xbil? Well this may sound weird, and I don't know your family history but I'll tell you a smidge of mine. My ex was NEVER there for me. Even the day I brought Dude home from the hospital? He wasn't there - he was out using drugs. Heck - the "showboat" part was over, now it was work-so why would he be there. I'll never forget coming down in that elevator in a wheelchair all alone, stupid balloons tied to that chair and feeling like a pregnant teen wheeled out to my car. Driven by my Mom. Not what I had pictured at all. Then the power steering belt broke, ac stopped working and in FL heat wasn't that fun? Yeah - You can bet when we got back to the house I was in less than a good mood, but who would walk down to see the baby? My Xbil.

    He wasn't a prince by any means, he still isn't. He's a functional-non-functional drunk at best. He wasn't what you would call a stand up guy either, he just told it like it was. Never mind that, he was there to see his nephew, and he had made it up to the hospital. Over the years no matter how bad it was, or got? He was in the background, and again never felt sorry for me, but something he said without him even knowing I had heard it or rather over heard it - that had made me cry actually really got me thinking about why I was even with his brother. It wasn't that he was in love with me, it was that he had said I was a good woman, a beautiful woman, and for the life of him he couldn't figure out why I was so stupid to stay with his brother. So in other words, what he really thought-was said, and I heard it. His brother was so lucky, and I was an idiot.

    Today? He's the ONLY member of that "clan'' that helps my son. I'm actually touched that he has a heart, and if there is such a thing as caring in their family? I believe he got the only dose. It's nothing monitarily, it's more of a mentor-teacher-helper thing. Just to let my kid know that he sees him, and explain that his Father has hurt a lot of people; even him and how it was when we were married from that side of the family's p.o.v. It's helped my son's anger towards me. I guess I wasn't supposed to know, but I know, and he knows how hard I tried, and how truly bad it was. He couldn't pick sides - it was his brother, but I think he did feel a certain amount of guilt over it all. I'll never know, but I am glad to see he has taken an interest in his nephew.

    So maybe it's not so much that there is a dislike with your husband in this instance, but just a validation of your former lifes struggles that someone finally came forward and recognized pain, hurt, struggle, strength, tenacity in YOU....maybe the whole thing had nothing to do with your husband, but maybe it had everything to do with finally being recognized for the woman that you've been all these years and the crying and release on both your parts was his guilt for never being able to say anything against his brother, and you finally being recognized? Throw in the tremendous stress of thinking you were going to loose your foot, and what that would mean in your life now? I think it's probably likely that you weren't considering your current husband at all - I don't think you consider him now when thinking about how to do things around the farm anyway. You take on an awful lot yourself - so loosing a foot - I'm not sure your first thought would have been - WOW how am I going to delegate all these chores of mine to husband with one foot. I rather think your thoughts would have been - HOW am I going to do all these chores with one foot in a few months? Or how bad is husband going to mess things up between now and then until I can straighten them OUT with one foot?

    Sometimes I am gently reminded by DF - who is disabled that if I don't at least allow him the courtesty of trying - He may as well not even try because I just go ahead and do it anyway, because I'm faster, and think I'm stronger, and can do it my way. Occasionally you know - there may be another way of doing things....Not necessarilly MY way - but if I wasn't there to do it - It may get done.....but if I keep jumping up and doing it - why should he bother?

    A lot of times I know I can do things faster and my way may be better - I'm trying to learn to allow him the courtesty of doing things his way and not being such a ram-rod.

    I dunno - but I guess now you are blessed with a little bit of my sad history too. lol
  13. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Ew you are so positive...you make memsmioe every day.

    I am blessed with some amazing folks in my life that I can truly rely on...exBIL, my horse friend who took over doctoring my horse, my mom, exMiL, and several others. I guess I just think my husband and his family should be on that list, too.

    To her credit, two brooms tried... She made me soup and jello. But they also called in husband's sister and her son to go to the hospital because I was dying, while she let easy child take the kids to their homes, get the horses home alone, etc. She was planning thanksgiving dinner for two days later before I went to surgery, before anyone really knew what was going on... Yeah, don't think I can rely on them...
  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Star, you slipped in on me. I agree with your exBIL, your ex was a <insert choice words> for losing you.

    I am very close to my ex inlaws. ExBIL just calls me his sister and has since the divorce. Their take on dex and his actions are shared openly...often.mid dex shows up at exmil's when wee is there, exBIL
    Is there in a snap to supervise...done by his choice, not my request, to keep dex and his girlfriend from spreading more 'dex is daddy of the year' venom.

    Anyway point of all that is I don't think there's any pent up guilt or emotion. We're pretty open. He's family. Period.
  15. Jena

    Jena New Member


    your dumps, your healthy for sharing it all, taking the time to process it. you'll help others by doing the work, truly.

    yea its pretty black and white i think, you have it seems always functioned a certain way with husband, your the one who takes charge, controls everything and gets things done. you are smart, and resourceful and a great parent and a really hard worker. He relies on you being that way and knows no other way to be for whatever his issues are or personality traits.

    you saw your ex brother in law who you seem to have a strong tie to in some ways, and his personality is different and also he isnt' your daily live in partner. he took charge, diff personality yet again and allowed you to just become unraveled and be there for you. totally normal.

    you need to be upset when bad **** happens we all do. you are lacking something in your marriage, that i get it sooo get it. that take charge just relax it'll be ok type of personality i got this part of your husband. totally can address it in therapy and totally going to have to start changing some ways you react too i think. your so used to being this strong, independent woman. he's so used to taking your lead. i think it can change in time, anything can change. yet it'll probably take work on both parts. just all my opinion sorry if i seem like i'm preaching :)

    anyway i'm glad you had that chance to unravel and to just be even if it was with ex brother in law. we all need that in times of trouble. you have to begin to have trust in husband that he can be the for you. maybe he can be shari. i don't know him, you know you best, him the marriage. yet at one point you two were in love, and took on all that you did. yea the waters always get muddied, stress puts us down and under, his lack of effort your sheer exhaustion.

    yet each time i read your posts i see you getting better at really processing it all, and really getting what it is you want and need now. which is huge i'm in the same boat with my own working in my marriage.

    our marriage counselor said to us marriage isnt a sprint its' a marathon and life long teaching lesson, friendship that will wax and wane and well yea it's alot of work!! LOL. i keep saying but why oh why?? :)

    hang in there!!! good job with the processing it all!~
  16. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I haven't always been the one 'in charge'. We are both very different than when this all started...but the gist of it is, we used to work together. Things really started to go downhill when the gas prices skyrocketed. Prior to that, husband paid for anything "extra" for the family as a whole. I paid the set bills. If we ate out, he bought. Camping trips, he paid. Etc. When gas prices went up, he stopped paying those things...he spends a one to two hundred a week on gas, lunch, and lottery tickets, and while I think that's too much, I never said anything. So as more fell to me financially, instead of seeing it and calling it out then, I just did what I do...I fixed it. In hanging out with husband at his parents' place, I had watched his sister's now ex work on a LOT of vehicles, and realized that I could do a lot of what he was doing. I saw an opporunity to save myself some serious money. So, I started working on my own vehicles, and husband stayed home and watched Wee. Except, that's all he did...watch Wee. If Wee pulled out every pot and pan in the kitchen, he watched Wee do it. I started to grump then, but not loud enough. And eventually, husband has come to think its perfectly ok to continue this pattern. Heck, who wouldn't? But he hasn't always been this way. Was it ever 50/50? No. But I never expected it to be, and never do expect it to be.

    And really, trusting husband? I don't at all, and I don't know how to get that back. This isn't the first time he's left me hanging in a similar situation...its just by far the most serious, and the first time I've really said enough is enough. I had surgery a couple years ago, and it was, again, my mom and exMIL who held things together til I was on my feet again. And when I had mono....same thing. He was not there. This was just an incident that I would think even the biggest slacker would suck it up and be there. And...he wasn't. My kid went to school and out smelling like **** cause husband wouldn't wash the clothes. Food rotted in the fridge. I had one arm and one leg and was not allowed to even rest my foot on the floor when I walked, and he sat in that chair and watched me balance on my crutches with one arm and use my good leg to both walk and kick a laundry baskets of clothes to the laundry to wash. I DID leave it to him to do. I left it for days. And he never did it. When easy child 1 and I came up with the rolly stool so I could get around and do some things, husband was totally against it. He hated the idea. Yet he wasn't doing any of the things that had to be done. And I'm not even close to dusting and sweeping...I'm talking basic neccessities of living.

    When I got back on my feet, it took me 3 nights to clean off the kitchen table because he had it piled so deep (just like the Brooms). There's still things in the kitchen that belong to his folks that are just piled in corners, similar to his mom's house.

    I entirely stepped out of the roof situation. Well, 99.9%. He wanted to call the same exBIL and just have him come fix it (and exBIL would, in a heartbeat, for me) because "exBIL used to live in this house, and he'd know how to fix it". I said no. He was not dumping that on exBIL's plate, husband is 46 years old, its time to grow up and handle something. Other than that, I stayed out of it and allowed him to own it. I allowed it to fester for 6 months until the ceiling was just about to fall in before I even said any more about it. It is still not finished, tho the leak is stopped.

    When I ask him what I need to do differently, he says nothing, I'm fine. When I ask him if he thinks my complaints are valid, he agrees they are. He agrees I shouldn't have to do what I'm doing. But until we saw the counselor, he did nothing to do any different. And now? He thinks putting dishes in the dishwasher is enough to call carrying his share of the load. News flash. Its not.

    I am not physically capable of doing what I did before. Whether I want to or not, things must change. Either he steps up, and I'm willing to give that time...or my workload will be reduced.
  17. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    The friend from work that husband contacted stopped by this afternoon and asked how things are going. She's one of a very few that I give all the gory details to and one of about 2 that know we are going to counseling (other than you guys).

    I told her of my little revelation yesterday.

    She said the same thing exBIL had said a few days ago...that husband was just like nothing was going on. She said "you know, it was so odd when he called, he just made it sound like it just wasn't a big deal at all. He told me you had a couple broken bones but he didnt know anything more. I had no idea how serious it was."

    He called her before there was talk of saving the foot. She is my friend. The brooms got the message I was dying, and my friend doesn't get told squat.

    I would chalk it up to shock or denial, but if that's the case, he's still in it.

    I said a couple months ago its probably best I don't know a lot of these details. Perhaps that's still the case. Cause the more I find out (and its all happeneing without me digging...) the more it just keeps reinforcing what's going round in the back of my mind already.
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member

    oh man that's alot of stuff, i'm sorry. i didnt' mean anything by in charge also you know that. i just meant your the one to keep it together because it seems like you are.

    i don't know i guess it's going to come down to like you said you gotta think on all of this stuff, keep processing it, it's really stressing you now it seems and you can't let it do that. easier said than done. decide how you are going to move forward with it. it doesn't make any sense like you were saying he admits he's wrong, he admits your fine, etc.

    all i gotta say is do something nice for you today.... could be the tiniest thing
  19. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I didn't take offense...just saying it wasn't always this way. Yes, I can make it without him, because I did. I lived where I do now as a single mom. We had horses and cows and me and the kids managed. The house and property were much cleaner then, I might add. Lol

    Thing with the accident is it is, in my mind, the ultimate example of needing my spouse and he wasn't there...so now I'm looking at how to make things better, and the incidents of that very day seem to just reinforce that he can't or won't. It's disturbing.
  20. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I think you nailed it there. ExBil showed everyone how your husband should have handled things, how you needed husband to handle things, and that contrast, really seeing a man that does what's needed without being asked, is eating at you, because even now husband isn't really stepping up to plate, and hasn't in a long time.