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General Parenting
I think I may have lost my son today
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 734529" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I agree with bbu. But am somewhat frightenned by the option to report his assault. Would a police report necessitate he be charged?</p><p></p><p>My instinct would be to proceed strategically. Principles of martial arts. Let your opponent's force and momentum carry him to the place where you have strategic control according to your goals.</p><p></p><p>To me you have consistently sought to protect him from great harm. That has been a central goal.</p><p></p><p>But at the same time, he wants to dominate the situation. And now he wants to dominate the situation in a way that is very abusive.</p><p></p><p>That is why I take seriously what bbu writes.</p><p></p><p>What I would not do is what you have proposed: that is, defend yourselves against son's lies. That would only empower him. And disempower you. You would be fighting having tied both hands behind your back, having gagged and blindfolded yourself. And you would be fighting lies which you yourself have fueled by your desire to shield him from himself. Defending yourself against lies, because you are afraid to tell the truth. How much longer can you disempower yourself while he hurts you,?</p><p></p><p>In my view, the true and correct option, should you choose to respond proactively, would be to report him as the perpetrator. Because he is continuing down this path. But I would be afraid, as I said.</p><p></p><p>So I see you with two options the above. And the one I would likely take, ignore him. And keep him away from you and your house. He is dangerous. You matter as much or more than him right now. He has help and support. All of which you arranged and provided for him.</p><p></p><p>My concern would be this. Where will this stop? He knows you are afraid to tell the truth to the police. How much more will he try to extort? That is why I think bbu's idea about giving physical custody to your mother for a limited time, legally, makes sense.</p><p></p><p>It makes sense because it may diffuse the power he feels over you. You would not be caving, you would be yielding to get out of the way, to diffuse his power and consolidate and harness your own.</p><p></p><p>This protects you. You matter. And your husband matters.</p><p></p><p>And as importantly, you do not fight on his terrain but on your own.</p><p></p><p>I am so so sorry he is hurting you like this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 734529, member: 18958"] I agree with bbu. But am somewhat frightenned by the option to report his assault. Would a police report necessitate he be charged? My instinct would be to proceed strategically. Principles of martial arts. Let your opponent's force and momentum carry him to the place where you have strategic control according to your goals. To me you have consistently sought to protect him from great harm. That has been a central goal. But at the same time, he wants to dominate the situation. And now he wants to dominate the situation in a way that is very abusive. That is why I take seriously what bbu writes. What I would not do is what you have proposed: that is, defend yourselves against son's lies. That would only empower him. And disempower you. You would be fighting having tied both hands behind your back, having gagged and blindfolded yourself. And you would be fighting lies which you yourself have fueled by your desire to shield him from himself. Defending yourself against lies, because you are afraid to tell the truth. How much longer can you disempower yourself while he hurts you,? In my view, the true and correct option, should you choose to respond proactively, would be to report him as the perpetrator. Because he is continuing down this path. But I would be afraid, as I said. So I see you with two options the above. And the one I would likely take, ignore him. And keep him away from you and your house. He is dangerous. You matter as much or more than him right now. He has help and support. All of which you arranged and provided for him. My concern would be this. Where will this stop? He knows you are afraid to tell the truth to the police. How much more will he try to extort? That is why I think bbu's idea about giving physical custody to your mother for a limited time, legally, makes sense. It makes sense because it may diffuse the power he feels over you. You would not be caving, you would be yielding to get out of the way, to diffuse his power and consolidate and harness your own. This protects you. You matter. And your husband matters. And as importantly, you do not fight on his terrain but on your own. I am so so sorry he is hurting you like this. [/QUOTE]
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