I think I'm done.... I can't live a lie

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by ColleenB, Jul 29, 2016.

  1. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    So this morning I was trying to print out something for a DIY craft ( trying so hard to find some peace) and son had left his banking up... I clicked on it of course .... Maybe I shouldn't have but I've seen some red flags lately.... And sure enough it looks like he is dealing again.

    I lost it. I'm so so angry. We paid off almost 3000 to a dealer to get him out last winter. He promised us he wouldn't deal again. He has limited use of a car he shares with his brother ( who works an honest job 40 hours /week) and I'm taking him off the insurance as of today.

    I tried to go by his appartment but he didn't come home last night... Big surprise there. I can't stop crying. My husband went to work, and we are supposed to see friends from away tonight... Husbands are golfing , ladies at another friends house. I can't go. I can't face anyone, and I certainly can't face the small talk about kids... Said friend from aways son is a childhood friend of my son and has a huge prestigious scholarship that only 80 kids across Canada get every year. I just can't do it.

    I will say I'm sick.... Again....

    His choices not only ruin his life they have harmed my friendships and family relationships. I cant be honest with anyone for fear of judgement or it getting him arrested. He has no idea the hell this is. I think I'm finally really really angry .

    I work weekends at a shelter for homeless youth and the money I made last year went to drug dealers... How ironic???

    I can't live like this anymore.

    I'm going to tell him I'm not supporting him in any way anymore, no food, nothing. He can come and see me when he decides to grow up and become a real adult.

    I can't face this... I know I have to say those words but I'm so scared too, with his history of depression .

    Omg... What do I do?
  2. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

    I am sorry to hear this. I can feel the anguish in your writing and I feel upset for you. I also hear the anger and I know when I get angry, that is when I am most strong. Hang in there, I know others will have advice but I wanted to offer my support.
  3. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    Thanks... I am feeling so so alone right now. I can't reach out to friends or my sister....
  4. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

    I understand not being able to share with friends. One of the biggest things I have lost through the challenges with my son, is trust. I don't trust anyone. Not even my friends. I can't say its directly his fault but because of his actions, I have been able to see how incredibly shallow and mean some "friends" really are. When my son first had to leave school to go to treatment, one of my closest friends was the first one to gossip and spread things that were not true. She even intimated that we were to blame. Logically I know that not everyone is like that but I feel the stakes are too high to risk sharing with friends. My son threatened to kill himself about 6 months ago and completely lost it. I had to call 911. 6 police cars, a firetruck and ambulance came to the house. Everyone was asking what happened and I lied. I lied to protect him. I didn't even tell my mom who lives 20 min away. But this shame and alienation is taking a huge toll on me. I need to be able to trust again. This is such a lonely road. This site helps. Have you tried talking to a therapist? I think I might. I know my way is not the right way. But I am scared.
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  5. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    Oh Colleen, bless your heart. I don't think you should let this keep you from going with your friends. It's not going to do you or your son any good for you to miss out, being around friends may help you get your mind of your sons terrible choices. You don't have to tell them if your not ready , just say your sons doing fine and don't elaborate.

    I know it's so hard when our friends children are doing so well and ours are not. You shouldn't have to live like this, none of us should. Your son has to face consequences for his actions, I understand you paying off drug dealers because your son could be harmed but not supporting him anymore I think is a wise decision. I wouldn't pay them off again and you should let your son know that.

    Sending you hugs, I understand your anger and hurt.
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  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Oh, Colleen....

    I am so sorry.

    They have no idea how their choices affect us.

    I hope you can enjoy your friends tonight and put this situation in the back of your mind for today .

    You need to live your life, even in the face of your son's dysfunction.

    We are here for you, so get it off your chest and go have a good time with the rest of the world.
  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    He is an adult. He does not live at home. You cannot control what he does. You can control your money and access to your home. I would not let his poor choices influence your life. Do not give him power over your life.
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  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Colleen, it is never smart to pay off dealers. Or anyone. I learned that your money to them will go for their drugs. Also my daughter told me, "If you use, you sell. They go together." It's a way to make money and get some free drugs. They aren't hungry or sick or desperate..
    They want us to feel bad to give them drug money. That is why we cut off Daughter completely. We figured as much and her promises meant nothing.
    You are making the right choice. Your money will no longer fund his lifestyle and he will either really need to change or drug it up without your help.
    I am sorry for your sadness and disappointment
    Unfortunately drug abusers are great, convincing liars
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2016
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    So sorry you are sad. I am sad too.

    As I told my husband, I am 100% better than I was but not yet at 100% of where I need to be.

    I have been working REAL HARD on myself. I have given my son all of me for almost six years. Guess what? It did no good for him. It didn't do any good for me either.

    I have had to detach from my son. I have had to push him out of the nest. I actually have very little contact with him right now. I never call or text him since the overdose on Father's Day. If he reaches out I respond. I have changed a lot. I am sure he can see it. This is not the way I've ever been. He is my baby. We were always so close. This in no way means that I do not love him with all my heart.

    I will continue to detach and continue to push him to take care of his own problems and make his own decisions. I will keep redirecting him that HE can figure this out. HE is an adult. I cried at my therapist last night. It's like having to learn how to be a mom in a different way. It's having to learn how to be a human being in a different way. It is huge and it is hard.

    I am fortunate that I have a small group of wonderful girlfriends that I can talk to about this. They are like sisters and they are my childhood friends. We don't judge one another. I am on the "outs" with my older sister and brother right now due to things my son has done that are drug related. I have been there for them but they don't understand what I'm dealing with even though my brother's son died of a heroin overdose a few years ago at 30. They were estranged at the time and all my brother says is that my J will end up like him. I don't have the energy to fix those relationships. Someday I hope to.

    Now you have to face reality Colleen. Get angry if that's what you need to do. I do think you should seek therapy for yourself if you can. NA or AA or whatever it is that gives YOU some peace. You can't fix him. He has to want it.

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  10. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I honestly know I can't go out tonight with our friends.... I can't even stop crying....

    My husband is home for lunch and getting ready to go golfing. I wish I could be more detached. I am not there yet.

    I know I need to talk to someone. We have gone in the past to counselling. It helps some.

    I have a few people I can talk to, they know, but I just feel like such a downer.... I'm exhausted by my own sadness, I can't imagine unloading it on someone else right now.

    I was always the fun and happy friend, the one who hosted parties and planned trips and outings... Now I just want to hide. I had started to go out more when he moved out a few months ago, but now I'm back at the beginning again. I'm in the hole. Maybe he hasn't hit his bottom but maybe I have.... I can no longer even pretend to not be completely disappointed in him. I've been telling him I love him and don't hold the past against him. But this is the present and he is dealing drugs. It looks like from the bank statements it's only been a few weeks... I knew he was off! He has been grumpy and not nice again.

    I think being honest is the best route here. Pretending to not know is toxic to me... I am a very open person. I don't hide my emotions or feelings well with those I love.

    My husband wants me to wait until he is back from golf to confront him. I told him I can't promise that. If Son calls I will talk to him.
  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    As Darkwing said in another post, you need to hold him accountable for the past. I never did that either but should! If you think about it, I know he is right. Why let them "off the hook" when they've done nothing to deserve it? I'm talking about myself here too!!! He is not that sweet little boy anymore. Hard to take. I know. I get it.

    I am the social one in my group too. I have done that some on and off over the past few difficult years but I truly lost my joy. I am trying to find it again.

    I had to find a therapist to talk to this about. At first I didn't think she had much experience with addiction but now found out she actually holds groups. We are working on MY goals right now so I can have a good life. It's just that simple. So I can enjoy my relationship with my husband again. I have been cheated out of the past few years and devoted all to son.

    It is very very hard to change and detach. I think by reading and rereading the posts of the strong women on this site it is making me change. We didn't even get there in my therapy yet so it has to be this forum. I couldn't take the pain any longer.
  12. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

  13. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Oh Colleen, the pain shame and sadness is felt by all of us. Does not matter what you did in past, you were trying to make it better. Why do the Difficult Child never want it better?

    I struggle with joy too...but we have not been put on this earth to pine away cause our child is broken...he's not ready to change, addiction has gripped him. I have been at the point that we told ours, u get in trouble , don't call....at some point the get out of jail cards end.

    My prayers and heart is with you.......hugs
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  14. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Oh, Colleen. I am so sorry.

    I agree with your decision to take him off the insurance, and I am glad he is not in your home. Beyond that he is an adult. You cannot control his actions or his poor decisions, only limit your involvement in them or their consequences.

    I do hope you are able to get out with your old friends tonight. Have a little wine, be among friends, take your mind off of this. Because you can't control it. Not one bit. And it is not your fault. Not one bit. Should the conversation turn to brag-a-thons, just keep it light ("Difficult Child has his own place now, he is finding his way in the world," etc.), then pivot back to them.

    I am just so sorry, Colleen. My heart dropped when I read your post. How frightening and disappointing for you.
  15. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    He finally texted me asking what was wrong... I don't want to have the conversation over text. I told him that. Of course that freaked him out... All kinds of apologizing, saying he knows he has put us through hell... Etc...

    I do believe he feels badly, just not badly enough I guess....

    I also know that playing the sympathy card works on me... Usually. Not this time. I feel terrible for him of course, but I also know that I cannot continue to pretend he isn't an addict. He must be. Why else would he continue ? He has had so many opportunities to help himself, to go to school, to have a home and food.

    We have given and given... And we have nothing left to give. I feel like that tree in the Shel Silverstein book "The Giving Tree" .. Just an old stump... I've ALWAYS hated that book!!!

    I want him to know I can't give anymore. I love him, and if he wants to help himself I will be supportive. But I can't give money, food, car.... I think I've made it worse. He has been too comfortable.

    It breaks my heart in two to think I've been so so stupid. He is a good person, but his whole thing has changed him into a very selfish person. I know he feels it, I believe that. I just don't think I'm helping him. I know I'm not.

    He said we could meet up later. He said he was still drunk from the night... It's 2pm!! Typical behaviour for him .....

    Please give me good thoughts do I can have the strength to do this
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  16. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    You DO have the strength, Colleen. Look how much you have dealt with already! You definitely have the strength to make a positive change!
  17. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Keep reading the advice here. It's all been said so many times and in so many different ways. Read it until it becomes ingrained in your mind. Really.

    Accepting they are truly an "addict" is a good first step but a very very hard and traumatic one.
  18. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    So that didn't up so smooth. We went to his appartment, he was sleeping. He came out dirty and drowsy... We didn't talk to whole way home.

    Once we got home he immediately went downstairs to sleep. We went down and told him we needed to talk. We told him he has lost car and that we had found the bank statement that shows e transfers from people ... Which indicates drug dealing. He was very defensive .... Denying it basically. We held our ground.

    He then got angry when we pushed it, and when I said what is going on then? He replied "I'm an alcoholic with substance abusers issues!"

    At least he admits it.

    However he then didn't want to be at our house, even though he said he has been so hot without AC he couldn't sleep and we told him he could sleep we would leave him alone.

    He went out and called a friend to pick him up. He doesn't want to be around us.

    I'm sad it got angry but I guess it was bound to. I now have no idea when or if we will hear from him. Now that we won't give money or car, I don't know if he will call.

    Speak of the devil... I just got a text " sorry I upset you"

    I don't plan on backing down on the car and money, but maybe just maybe he will ask for help in terms of treatment or support that way.

    I want to still have hope.
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  19. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I think u should have hope...He admits a problem..better than not.

    He seems to respect you both...something in him hopefully will snap into place...

    Praying for his epiphany....and your peace. I think of all of us Mom's everyday. Hugs
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He doesnt want to be around you because of what he is doing. None of them want us to see it. I'm not saying this is happening, but he could be a meth cook. You really dont know. And it won't happen around you. They hide the bad. They are good at deception.

    His sleepy behavior does remind me of how my daughter sometimes was on meth. Don't feel too bad about him selling. Drug users dont have morals. I've said it before. I'll say it again. If they use, they deal. They just tend to leave that part out.

    It IS a positive that your son knows he is an addict. And you need to accept it too. Since he is, you are doing the best thing...stopping the enabling. I know it feels bad to us, but it helps them when they struggle...if they dont struggle, why quit?

    You are brave to face this down. Let him do this his way. There is nothing any of us can do to control our kids who are legal adults. But we can control us...how much we will fund their bad behavior. How much we want to live joyous lives of our own.

    Keep standing strong. Live your own life. Dont focus that much on your son. He is 100 percent out of your control, but YOUR life is 100 percent IN your control. Make it at good one. You are not your son. You are seperate people. They dont do well if we stay "mommy." There are too old. They need to see us as Mother... strong, brave and functioning well...not falling apart over their problems. Not seeing them as that cute little baby we held once. They are tall with deep voices and facial hair...our babys no more. Nothing like the little boys they once were either. We must look at them abd see them as they are TODAY, not as children.

    With luck he will find his way while you start to enjoy your own life, regardless of how he is doing. It doesn't help him if you won't enjoy yourself.

    Good luck!
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2016