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I Think I'm Spinning My Wheels Here
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 382416" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>difficult child is on the cusp of puberty, and this is a dangerous time to push the boundaries. </p><p></p><p>Yes, you ARE spinning your wheels. And behaviour modification is needed, but clearly it is not going to work for difficult child.</p><p></p><p>You have undoubtedly been doing all the right things, but to no avail. Your discipline methods are probably the way you were raised, and probably would produce a perfect child under any other conditions, but those methods are clearly failing now. It is the definition of insanity to keep doing the same things and expect a different result.</p><p></p><p>There is a brilliant book a lot of us here recommend, "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It at first seems a chaotic way to handle a problem kid. We have a kid we struggle with, and the instinctive reaction is to clamp down even tighter on the discipline. But often this is what makes things worse, so we need to relax those methods and find a different way. It requires a change in mind-set.</p><p>Again I say - this does not mean that your methods up til now are bad. They are not. The trouble is, the discipline is a bad fit for this child, that is all. </p><p></p><p>Red the book. It basically makes your job easier, once you can take it on board. You can use the same techniques for PCs too. It actually uses the stubbornness of the ODD behaviours to drive the child towards self-discipline, often faster than we as parents thought would be possible.</p><p></p><p>But for now, you are the irresistible force meeting the immovable object of your son. When he says he reserves the right to disagree with you if he thinks you are wrong, then nothing in the world os going to put that genie back in the bottle of belief in parental infallibility. Once a child reaches the point of knowing that adult get it wrong sometimes, you can no longer insist on always being right. Instead, you have to find a better way. Such as, "These are my reasons."</p><p></p><p>You clearly have a very bright child who has no problems at school. Why is that? Why is he doing well at school but not at home? What is the difference? And why is he able to do so well at school? He must already have a lot of self-discipline, perhaps more than you realise. Maybe you need to shift your relationship with him into a different gear. Give him responsibility, supervise but don't hover. Support, don't drive. Ease back a little and guide. Reduce the number of issues you want to work on, to about three or four. back off from forcing the issue if he's about to melt down, then pick it up again when he is calmer. Use logic, reason.</p><p></p><p>This is not about right and wrong. This is about your ultimate aim - to guide him to be a successful, law-abiding, considerate, independent and productive member of society. </p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 382416, member: 1991"] difficult child is on the cusp of puberty, and this is a dangerous time to push the boundaries. Yes, you ARE spinning your wheels. And behaviour modification is needed, but clearly it is not going to work for difficult child. You have undoubtedly been doing all the right things, but to no avail. Your discipline methods are probably the way you were raised, and probably would produce a perfect child under any other conditions, but those methods are clearly failing now. It is the definition of insanity to keep doing the same things and expect a different result. There is a brilliant book a lot of us here recommend, "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It at first seems a chaotic way to handle a problem kid. We have a kid we struggle with, and the instinctive reaction is to clamp down even tighter on the discipline. But often this is what makes things worse, so we need to relax those methods and find a different way. It requires a change in mind-set. Again I say - this does not mean that your methods up til now are bad. They are not. The trouble is, the discipline is a bad fit for this child, that is all. Red the book. It basically makes your job easier, once you can take it on board. You can use the same techniques for PCs too. It actually uses the stubbornness of the ODD behaviours to drive the child towards self-discipline, often faster than we as parents thought would be possible. But for now, you are the irresistible force meeting the immovable object of your son. When he says he reserves the right to disagree with you if he thinks you are wrong, then nothing in the world os going to put that genie back in the bottle of belief in parental infallibility. Once a child reaches the point of knowing that adult get it wrong sometimes, you can no longer insist on always being right. Instead, you have to find a better way. Such as, "These are my reasons." You clearly have a very bright child who has no problems at school. Why is that? Why is he doing well at school but not at home? What is the difference? And why is he able to do so well at school? He must already have a lot of self-discipline, perhaps more than you realise. Maybe you need to shift your relationship with him into a different gear. Give him responsibility, supervise but don't hover. Support, don't drive. Ease back a little and guide. Reduce the number of issues you want to work on, to about three or four. back off from forcing the issue if he's about to melt down, then pick it up again when he is calmer. Use logic, reason. This is not about right and wrong. This is about your ultimate aim - to guide him to be a successful, law-abiding, considerate, independent and productive member of society. Marg [/QUOTE]
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